Post # 1
This is a controversial topic on the bee but I am feeling great about my decision 🙂
After Fiance proposed, we were going to do a long engagement (until 2016) so we could pay for our own wedding. We weren’t even sure we wanted a “real” wedding, we seriously debated eloping. However, his Future Mother-In-Law pushed for us to move it up and offered to put 10k towards the wedding if we moved it up. Then my grandma jumped on the “hurry up and get married” bandwagon and also offered 10k. Of course, we accepted and we are so grateful for such amazing contributions.
Because they are both contributing, I am letting them have as much input as they like. And oh boy does my Future Mother-In-Law have input! While I have a few things I won’t budge on (smaller guest list, no official wedding party and my grandpa as the officiant), I have let my Future Mother-In-Law push me a lot and it is exhausting. She’s planning a beautiful wedding but it doesn’t reflect who my Fiance and I are. My Future Mother-In-Law has a vision of us that is pretty inaccurate and I feel as though I’ve lost the essence of us in this awesome party event.
So, we’ve decided to go elope the weekend before the wedding! We are going up to the field where we both first talked about marriage and always pictured ourselves getting married, talking a judge or officiant and getting the legal aspect taken care of. We are not a particularly partying social couple and going for a sinple hike into the forest, just the two of us, reflects who we are as people SO MUCH BETTER than a big wedding.
That being said – it means a lot to our families that we have a wedding. Obviously or they wouldn’t have offered huge amounts of money to get us to throw a big party. And I’m excited for the wedding, I just want the moment when my Fiance and I enter legal marriage to be all about us and not about some huge party. I will phrase the ceremony so I do not misrepresent that we already dealt with the legal aspect. My grandpa is not an ordained minister or judge and so I don’t feel as though I am misleading people with a 2nd ceremony. We won’t do vows in our legal ceremony, just I do, I do. The 2nd ceremony will be a “celebration and public declaration of our marriage” (not the traditional wording of “joining in marriage”) and we will make public declarations of our intentions to spend our lives together and publicly speak out vows. While we won’t advertise that we eloped before, if anyone asks we will absolutely tell them that we already dealt with the legal aspect. For Fiance and I – we are treating the legal aspect of marriage (a judge/priest signing your marriage certificate) and the spiritual & community (public declaration of love & vows with loved ones) as separate entities. And I am so happy I am doing so!
Any opinions? Ideas? Suggestions? Input?
Post # 3
I think as long as you are honest and people know you are already married, it’s less of a big deal. I think lying to your guests is what people do that is unacceptable.
Post # 4
@kateisstoned: I think that’s wonderful way to make everyone happy! Congrats
Post # 5
I think this might blow up in your face if those who put a lot of money towards your wedding aren’t told ahead of time. Honestly, it will still probably blow up in your face, but they deserve to know about it. If you were paying for the wedding yourselves, I’d think it was fine if you wanted to elope before the wedding, but that’s not the case here.
Post # 6
I didn’t even think about the fact that other people were paying for your wedding. I’d definitely tell them your plans first… and prepare for them to be super upset.
Post # 7
@Cory_loves_this_girl: I actually already told them that we would be dealing with the legal aspect ahead of time in order to have my grandpa take care of stuff at the social/spiritual ceremony and they were totally fine with that 🙂 Wasn’t about to go behind their backs. I figured if they were upset, they could not pay and then I woudn’t have to worry about it but they were okay with it.
As long as they know, how else could you anticipate this blowing up? I’m trying to cover my bases as much as possible 🙂
Post # 8
@kateisstoned: Lovely that they gifted you so much money!….I also love your idea of doing your own thing before the big celebration…..I think its a shame though that you cant use their money to good use like buying a home or putting money into your home etc…congrats though!
Post # 9
I love, love, lovedddd when The Office did this with Jim and Pam. I hope you have a great time at both!
Post # 10
I think its important you let your guests know you are already married when you have your “wedding.” By definition a wedding is when you get married, so really you’re having a vow renewal a week later. Please don’t mislead your guests.
Post # 11
@kateisstoned: I’m usually in the camp thats says when you’re legally married, that’s your wedding, it’s rude to lie and have a “staged wedding,” yadda, yadda, yadda. But, in your case, I don’t see any issues. Honestly, as long as everything takes place within a week, I don’t see why it would be a big deal. The events are close enough together that it’s clear you aren’t trying to take advantage of anyone. And it sounds like you’ve got all your bases covered. It is probably very important to word your invites such that it says you’re having a declaration of marriage (as you put it). I’m sure you’ll have some guests that will know or question if your grandpa is an ordained minister so it will be easier to field questions if you can respond with “Well, that’s why we said declaration. H and I took care of the legal aspect last weekend.”
The only other point of conflict would be your Future Mother-In-Law and grandma and as long as they’re on board, I say go for it!
Post # 12
I had friends that did this. They felt like they needed to take control of their OWN marriage, so they married at the courthouse in jeans, grabbed some sunflowers from the ditch to take to the courthouse. Then shit hit the fan when her family found out!
I don’t know – if you feel you are taking control enough by doing this, then go for it!
H and I went for a hike the morning of our wedding. Then we showerd and got dressed in the wedding attire for our ceremony overlooking a glacial lake.