Post # 1
And I can’t fix it.
We were long distance right until the wedding. I was thrilled about moving in with him because we’d finally get to spend time together. Right? Wrong.
Six months after we married, he got new orders and we moved. This new job has been a hellish time sucker from day one. He is up at 4 am, leaves at 5, comes home at 7 pm. When it gets home it’s time to hit the books because his career is shot unless he finishes his MS very quickly. Basically – I never see him.
I feel like I’m not married. Not in the sense that I’m out looking for something to cheat on him with, but I feel like I just have a roommate who just spends the night. We don’t have time for sex, or dinners out, or running errands together. Nothing. He’s deploying again late this year and with this disconnect that we have now, I am afraid a deployment could totally ruin our marriage.
Anyone ever been through this? How do you reconnect?
Post # 3
Oh my goodness…I’m so sorry to read you are going through this. How awful. I am not in a similiar situation, but I do want to offer some support. How long will his deployment be? Can you go with him? Would you want to? Is there a way to “schedule” a date night each week so you have a few set hours to be together and work on your relationship?
Post # 4
I am so sorry this is happening. You two need to seek marital counselling before everything fails. He is taking you for granted and that isn’t fair to leave you so neglected. You need to communicate to him that you feel neglected. You relationship NEEDS dates, sex, flirting and fun. I am sure he can find a few hours out of his week to do these things. I am so sorry and I hope you two get through this.
Post # 5
There is no way he will go to counseling. He doesn’t believe in it and he certainly doesn’t have time for it.
His deployment to Afghanistan – six months. Neither of us really believe in divorce, so I’m not really worried about that…just that we will end up two strangers sharing a house.
Post # 6
What about weekends? Maybe schedule a casual date to go out to breakfast and grocery shopping. Basically do something that you need to do anyway but do it together. Ask him to give you 2 hours. I think you just need to bring up the topic BUT be sure he knows you support his career and schooling but that you just want to be sure you have time together before he deploys. Would you be happy if oyu had a bit of a timeline for when he will have more time? For example if you could anticipate him having a break from classes at Christmas is that going to make it more bearable now? Think about what you need and discuss it with him so you can find a reasonable compromise. Also, if you are not working, I would suggest trying to find a job or take up a serious hobby to keep yourself busy.
Post # 7
Talk to him – he’s probably just being practical and thinking about what needs to be done to make money and go to school and all that – and not realizing what its doing to you or your relationship. I’m sure you can figure out little ways you guys can spend more time together – he must be able to make SOME free time for you each night or even just a few nights a week.
Post # 8
I probably should have said that we’ve had fights over this. He knows I’m being neglected but he is terrible at time management.
Like, if we have sex, it can’t be a quickie. He ALWAYS falls asleep afterwards for like three hours. So he always turns me down.
If we go out for dinner, he comes home and gets sidetracked, so it’s not a two hour thing, it ruins the entire evening.
Weekends, same thing. We’ll schedule lunch and all of a sudden it’s 5 pm and he’s not done a bit of work.
He graduates in December, but after he gets back from Afghanistan he’ll start some military schooling that is supposed to be pretty time consuming as well, so, ugh.
And of course I feel guilty asking for more time, and I’m really pulling away from him. He knows it’s affecting us but can’t seem to make any changes. I mean, I’ve seen him for maybe three hours the entire week…
PS – I do work full time and have hobbies. But I need him.
Post # 9
This actually sounds like my life and my schedule. We both get home at 7pm and my husband is working full time on his masters. He frequently spends weeks away from home as well.
All this would sound bad, except we love it? We’re so frazzled, but I think we try REALLY hard to be there for each other. Like making time for a picnic on my birthday even though I know he has a big exam the next day. And I really pick up the slack for DH by 100% cleaning the house and laundry so he never has to waste time with that stuff and has more time for me.
Your DH sounds a little burnt out like he needs a vacation or a little more fun in his life.
DH and I decided to built a pillow fortress in the living room tonight and have a movie marathon. Lame, kinda, but we thought it was off the wall and we were feeling a bit too mature lately. Hang in there!