- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
To start off, this is my second wedding. The first marriage was 10 years of emotional abuse, cheating, isolation.. you get the drift. I’m very proud of myself for escaping him and not letting that deter me from finding love again. But I also have a hard time believing that I’m something good and worthy after years of being told I’m not.
What’s hurting me, and triggering those feelings of not mattering, is that no one seems to care that we are getting married.
I’ve been asking my mom her opinion on some things, I’ve clearly been happy to be planning a wedding, but at dinner the other night she just said, “You know, if you two just want to get married at the courthouse, it won’t bother us.” Which feels like “don’t bother me with this.” She’s never been all that involved in my life, so I’m not that surprised, but it still hurts. My stepdad is the one who calls me or stops by just to talk.
I had asked my best friend of 15 years to be a bridesmaid. When I told her we were thinking of doing family only instead due to cost (most of my friends are all low income and live out of town, for them to attend FI and I have to foot the bill for them and that will get pricey… we can afford it, but it’s still an extra stressor), she said “Good, I don’t have to squeeze my fat a** into a dress.” I know her well enough to know that if she was upset that she wasn’t going to be in the wedding anymore, she’d have said so. That she didn’t say so means she didn’t want to in the first place. And when we had breakfast last weekend and I tried to talk about venues and stuff and she just really didn’t seem interested. My other BFF had the same reaction – joy at not having to be in the wedding.
Okay so maybe that’s just not their thing, but could they have not sucked it up for one freaking day for me?
Fiance’s family is very small, and no one will be attending. His mom doesn’t speak to him (and many other family members) and all of them treated my daughter and I horribly the last time we saw them. Their behavior was repulsive, and frankly I don’t want them there and neither does my family. My fiance is as okay with them not attending as he can be.
So now I’m wondering why we are having a wedding at all. Why spend the money to get a venue and buy the dress and decorations for no one to see it except the 5 people from my family that will be there (I also have a really small family)? It feels silly. Silly and like we’re clinging to this fantasy wedding that just simply is not going to happen (fiance has said the same thing, he’s sad because his friends are scattered across the world because like him, they are all Army, so he will have no friends there as they won’t be able to make it and I already explained his family’s non-presence).
I am really in love with Angelo Alfred dresses. I have to drive 3 hours to try dresses on as we have no bridal stores where I live. I don’t have anyone to go with me. My mom won’t go, my best friend lives 4 hours in the opposite direction of the AA store, and my other friends are too busy to be able to take a weekend away.
I even tried posting links to dresses on Facebook for my long-distance friends to give their opinions on, but it’s just not the same as actually trying one on. I need to know how it feels on me – is it scratchy, does it overpower me, or whatever, kwim?
I don’t really know what advice I’m looking for. It’s hard to explain what I’m feeling because I have so many conflicting emotions going on, and so does FI. We are just so torn. Do we have the wedding & spend more $ to have my friends there? Do we go forward with the small family-only wedding? Do we just go down to the courthouse then find a photographer to take some photos of us in nice clothes and call it a day?
We don’t want to elope. We want my parents, grandparents, my daughter and our dog there, and because we are in an LDR, there’s so few pictures of us as a couple that having photos to commemorate our wedding is very important, and we don’t want “blue jeans and nice shoes” to be “good enough.” We want wedding photos. Y’all get it, I’m sure. But I worry that’ll just feel like we’re kids playing dress up.