Post # 1
My boyfriend (36) and I (30) have been together for almost two years. When we first talked about a loose timeline almost a year ago (when he decided to stay in his current apartment one more year), he said that he was planning on us moving in together when his current lease is up (at the end of September). I told him I wanted to be engaged before then, and he said he was comfortable with that.
We’ve talked off and on about the subject over the last year, but in the last month or so he’s completely stopped talking about it. He knows that I want to marry him. He wants to move in together. But I know for certain that he is not planning on proposing before his lease runs out. I feel like I can’t bring the subject up because he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to get married after all, but the uncertainty of it all is also really hard for me to handle.
I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much, and I know he loves me, but I feel like the only logical conclusion here is for us to go our separate ways. I feel so disappointed and heartbroken, and it’s my fault for insisting on being engaged before we move in together. He can tell I’m feeling sad, but he has also been giving me pretty clear signs that he doesn’t want to discuss getting engaged at all.
I just need a little perspective. I know others have been in similar situations. What do you do when you realize it’s not going to happen?
Post # 2
I said the same thing. I wouldn’t live with him if we weren’t engaged. He wanted to be with me forever so he proposed two months after that very first conversation. If he wants to get married, he would propose, it doesn’t seem like he wants to get married. I would just flat out ask him, if he says no then you have to choose between dropping it and never getting married on moving on. It’s a very tough thing to do, but I can’t imagine waiting around not knowing, that would be so much worse than knowing to me.
Post # 3
Okay, to add some perspective. My FI (when he was 18) “proposed” with a ring he made of twine. There was nothing he wanted more than to be my husband and have me as his wife. Three years later after much saving, he bought me a beautiful engagement ring because he wanted to (I was okay with no ring at all, or even not getting married). The bottom line is, a guy who wants to get married/commit will never drag his feet and will be happy to discuss your future together. You are not at fault for wanting to be engaged – the real problem is why a timeline needed to be set in the first place. If you were 100% comfortable and trusting in where your relationship was going, you wouldn’t have had to set those guidelines in the first place. Just something to think about! Good luck sweetheart, and stick to your guns. He is a (more than) fully grown man – he knows what he wants and doesn’t want, and he is showing you pretty clearly.
Post # 4
I feel like I can’t bring up the subject because he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to get married after all…
This line seems like the most important thing out of everything that you said. If a guy wants to marry you, there is no fear in talking about it. If he doesn’t want to marry you, he won’t talk about it and you have your answer. Even when my DH wasn’t ready to get married, we could still talk about marriage in the future. I would bring it up. The wrost thing that happens is that he shuts down or says no. Then you have an answer on marriage and can decide if the prospect of not marrying him but continuing the relationship is right for you.
Post # 5
Is getting married off the table for him? I think that’s what you need to find out. Find out why he’s not planning to propose. Is it because he’s not ready? Does he feel he needs more time? Two years, in my opinion, is not a long time.
If he can’t give you an answer, then you may need to re-evaluate things. If he tells you he needs more time, then you’ll have to decide if you can respect that or not.
If I weren’t ready for marriage, but loved the guy deeply, I would hope he’d be patient enough to wait for me and not break things off because I’m not quite where he is yet.
But if marriage is not in the cards for him, if he doesn’t want to be married ever, then that’s a different story.
Post # 6
2 years at your age is plenty of time for him to make up his mind. If he blows off your timeline… There’s your answer. Id definitely break up after he starts another lease. Do you want to making this thread next year?
Post # 7
First I want to say it is NOT your fault for wanting a proposal before moving in together. You can’t blame yourself. I would be very hurt if I were you and I would continue to have my own place. I would not move in with him. I wanted my brother string a girl along for 11 YEARS before she finally ended it. They even bought a house together. He already had a wife, why did he have to go through the trouble of commiting? I just don’t recommend moving in together, and if that means going your seperate ways, then I’m sorry hun but you don’t want this to drag on much longer. You know you deserve better!
Post # 8
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know excatly how you feel as I am going through almost the same thing. Although its hard to leave someone it might have to happen. You need to see if he is anti-marriage or anti-comitment. There is a diffrence. I have an uncle who has been with his girlfriend for more than 20 years, that he is very comitted to. If he is anti-marriage then you need to decide if getting married is that important to you. Do you want kids? Does he want kids? Just follow your heart. Sometimes we already have the answers but just dont want to believe them.
Post # 9
I dont think its entirely fair for others top say “if he wanted to be married, he wouldnt shut down and not talk about it”. My DH is NOT a talker, he wanted to get married but wasnt ready for 4 years. he would shut down when I tried to talk to him about it becuase it stressed him out and made him feel pressured, even if I brought it up in a completely non-pressuring way. I think what you need to find out is if marriage is still in the cards. If you are comfortable waiting a while longer, knowing that you are in fact moving towards marriage, I say do it. But it’s your right to know if your relationship is headed in the direction you want. Maybe he finds the conversations you have about the subject uncomfortable, and feels pressured even if you’re doing you best to not pressure him, it still might come off that way to him.
You have to ask if this is going anywhere because its unfair to you if you dont. He wont offer it up because he obviously doesnt want to talk about it, but its not all about what he wants and whats comfortable to him. Just ask, then you know. No more going nuts trying to figure it out for yourself!
Post # 10
What if he stopped talking about it because he wants to throw you off and surprise you?
Post # 11
when a guy wants to marry you, he proposes. simple as that.
i wasted wayyyy too long with a guy that would do timelines and talk about getting married, but whenever it was time to make it happen he would push it back for this excuse or that excuse. He didn’t really want to marry me, or he would have. Not saying this is the same situation as what you are in, but if you agreed you wouldn’t move in together until you were engaged, then stick to that. Don’t give in.
But I agree with what a PP said, if you feel uncomfortable talking about it because you are afraid that he won’t want to marry you, thats not a good sign…
Post # 12
First of all, it is absolutely NOT your fault for insisting on being engaged before living together. Everyone has different ideas when it comes to this, but it is not an abnormal or unreasonable request. And really, if you hadn’t insisted upon it and you moved in and THEN found out he didn’t want to get married, you’d be in a much worse positon. So I actually think you were very wise in that respect.
Second, like misswhowedding said, you can’t be afraid of asking that question. If he says he doesn’t want to get married at all, yes, it will be heartbreaking to hear, but isn’t it better than not knowing and getting strung along?
Finally – while all of this may mean that he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s not necessarily the case. I had a friend whose then-boyfriend was moving for a job and wanted her to move with him. She could easily transfer her job, but she didn’t want to uproot without being engaged (they had also been together a couple years). He agreed to this, and then waited to propose. And waited. And waited, until like a month before they needed to move. And she was getting very frustrated, but I think in his mind, they were definitely getting engaged and he was just waiting for a good moment (a weekend trip). They’ve been very happily married for a couple years now, and I don’t doubt that he always wanted to marry her.
My point being – maybe he wants to marry you, and maybe he doesn’t. But you’ve already been together two years, and in 6 weeks he needs to make a decision one way or another – re-sign the lease, find another apartment alone, or move in with you. So I say wait this out for a few more weeks, and let his decision be your guide. If he moves in the direction of one of the first two, then you absolutely need to talk, and don’t be afraid of what the answer may be. But maybe he’s just waiting until the last minute, because sometimes guys are silly like that.
Post # 13
ilikeballet: I would LOVE for that to be the reason, but I know he hasn’t bought a ring, talked to my dad, or made any sort of plan. I don’t need a big over-the-top proposal, but I’m traditional enough to want some sort of proposal with a ring and for him to ask my dad first.
Post # 14
goblueca: Thanks for that. I know he’s a procrastinator, but I also know him well enough to know that when he shuts down on a topic, it’s usually because he feels like it will be too upsetting to talk about it.
Post # 15
I know you’re scared of him saying he doesn’t want the same things you do, but I think it’s even scarier not to know! If his intentions have changed, you should be aware of that so you can make an informed decision about how you want to proceed.