Post # 1
Hi bees, I need advice and I need it badly! Sorry if this is going to be TMI, but it’s hard to find real life people to discuss this with! DH and I have been married almost 9 months and are really happy together. We had been together for 5 years by the time we got married, but we waited to have sex…although we did fool around a lot. Before we were married, DH had quite a sex drive. He wanted to fool around all the time, and I genuinely worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up with him.
On our honeymoon, which was 10 days, we only had sex 3 times. Granted, we were both new to sex so it was awkward and there was some learning to do. I also started my period towards the end of our honeymoon, so I just didn’t think too much of it. Then when we got home, though, he didn’t really initiate it. Sometimes I would try and he would want to just go to bed. He does work very long hours, but I think he’s more tired than most adult men should be. He’s been to the doctor and been checked for health problems and low testosterone, but nothing unusual turned up.
Bees, we probably have sex once every two weeks or so, and we’re still relatively newlyweds! In a really good week we might have it twice, but never more often than that. I’ve brought it up with him time and time again, and he swears it’s not anything about me. Still, it makes me feel really insecure. And it seems strange to me that he was sexual before but not now. I would maybe think that I’m just not very good, but when we do have sex, that doesn’t seem to be the case! He always enjoys it. I do think he’s a little insecure because it hasn’t been that good for me so far, but part of the problem is that we don’t have much foreplay. It’s just sort of a rushed affair. And sometimes he loses his erection if we change positions or something, and I think that stresses him out. But it worries me, too! If there’s nothing physically wrong, it always feels like he doesn’t find me attractive or something.
I’ve tried everything. On his birthday, I bought new lingerie, and when he got home I was wearing it with heels, had candles lit and music playing…and he couldn’t get into it enough. He talks about finding me attractive and we were physical so much before marriage! It seems like such an abrupt change. Maybe he is just tired more (we moved further from his work after we got married so he gets up earlier/home later), but it just seems so weird. We both really want to have a baby and planned to start trying in the next few months, but I know our sex life will probably get worse. I don’t want to tell him we have to table it until we’re having more sex – that feels like an ultimatum, but I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else gone through anything like this?
Post # 2
jetsetbee: Well since you didn’t have sex before you were married, it’s hard to say whether or not this is normal for your relationship. Perhaps a sex therapist could help you both be more comfortable and suggest new/different things? Hopefully some other bees that have waited can give you some other tips. Best of luck.
Post # 3
I would echo what PP mentioned.. A sex therapist should be able to help. I can’t offer much advice because I’d never wait to have sex with someone until I legally promised them the rest of my life. A healthy sex life is very important to my happiness and I just don’t think the risk is worth it.
Post # 4
DH and I were virgins also, as were most of the people we hang out with. This does not stem from waiting for sex; I only know of one friend who is in a similar boat, and she and her husband have many other problems as well.
You definitely have something else going on…does he watch a lot of porn or masturbate a lot? Some guys get addicted to that and can’t do it with a “real” girl. This was DH’s thought when I described my friend’s husband.
I’ll second the therapy, and a good, heartfelt, non-judgemental discussion. I hope you two get it figured out; I’m sure that’s hard to go through for both of you.
Post # 5
jetsetbee: Once the novelty wears off, sex frequency can dwindle down for a lot of couples. Especially if one or both parties is very busy with work and such. So, you both have to make an effort at it.
DH and I would be intimate up to a two to three times on any given day when we were dating. I seriously don’t know where I found the energy. Fast forward to post-wedding and we were lucky to manage that many times in a week or two.
We both feel sex is an important aspect to a healthy marriage, simply discussed it and chose to both make a better effort. We also found out a lot about eachother’s preferences that way. I began eating healthier and working towards my dream body, so that I could feel better about myself and being more adventurous in the bedroom. And, DH began making a conscious effort to be more spontaneous (grabbing me up just as I get home from work, or during other totally random times). We began incorporating toys (best decision EVER!). I started sleeping/prancing around naked a whole lot more. If we both feel like we are really rundown, one of us will invite the other to take our evening shower together… Which always turns intimate. These things have all greatly impacted our sex life.
I would start by having a serious chat with him about the importance of your intimacy, and your concern with the lack thereof. Suggest some different ways that you both can make an effort, and actually follow through. Different foreplay options (maybe a random BJ would turn him on every once and a while, does he want you to initiate it more, how does he find you sexiest, is he opposed to sex games/toys to spice it up, etc.). I wouldn’t peg it all on him, though, as that will probably just make him feel inadequate and back off a whole lot more.
Post # 6
It sounds to me like insecurity on his part. He probably likes it a lot. That’s the issue. He’s probably trying so hard to last longer, or “stay hard,” or please you, or whatever, that the pressure is making him turn it down. I think this is pretty normal for more inexperienced guys sexually. They have a lot of pressure on the mind.
I’d try to talk to him about it. Communication is key. Ask him if everything is okay, and if there’s anything you or he could do to make sure he enjoys it as much as possible. I’d make it more about both of your enjoyment than about the frequency, because if he has pressure about the frequency that might become a mental barrier too! You should also let him know (kindly) that you would like to have more foreplay. He might not do it because he would get too excited! Or, maybe he just doesn’t know what you need. Discovering what each of you likes during sex is a process and it takes time.
Sex with my boyfriend was very frequent, but clumsy in the beginning (we were both experienced sexually when we met). Now it’s mindblowing but infrequent. We have sex about the same amount as you do and we aren’t even married (together 3 years).
It’s natural to have a high sex drive when you’re not regularly having sex. When I’m single I feel like I want it all the time, and now I could pretty much do without most of the time.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone! This is really very helpful. I think I may try to get him to see a sex therapist as it seems there are some insecurities here we need to deal with and just a way to make it more enjoyable for both of us. Thanks for the advice!
Post # 8
It could also be a psychological thing. Maybe he is one of those people who enjoyed the forbidden aspect of it. Now that you are legal, it could be a matter of the thrill being in the chase.
Or, if religion precluded premarital sex for all those years, he could be struggling with feelings that sex is somehow shameful and wrong.
I agree with PP. It’s definitely important to get to the root of all this.
Post # 9
jetsetbee: I agree it sounds like insecurity. Also, this might sound stupid, but that plus very little foreplay – it almost sounds like he doesn’t know what to do, or feels bad that he doesn’t know what to do. Have you and he read much on sex? There are many good books. I also like to recommend this site (aimed at Christians who wait, but useful for anyone): http://themarriagebed.com
I would certainly recommend that you guys spend lots of time on foreplay, so that you enjoy is as much as him. One possibility is to get you to orgasm before he enters you, to make sure it happens for you.
Post # 10
Jow often were you fooling around before? I would assume he wouldn’t drastically change from that. But if you were only fooling around once a week or so, he may just have a lower sex drive. Although if you were fooling around every day, then obviously his drive shouldn’t drop off THAT much.
He could just have an issue making the jump into sex. It’s a very different sensation, and he may not be used to it yet. Performance can definitely be an issue too. While I do enjoy porn, I know for some it can set up unrealistic expectations. He could be thinking it’s normal for men to last hours, when that is not the case.
I don’t have any advice, but I do want to encourage you that it’s normal for the beginning to be a little rocky, so don’t be discouraged.
Post # 11
I think there is a common myth that men LOVE having sex. I know for my DH & I, sex isn’t a big deal. We might have sex once a month, or it might be three times a week. If it doesn’t happen for awhile though, I never attribute it to my sexual ability or my appereance.. I attribute it to how busy life is, long hours, lack of sleep, other stressors etc.
Do you want more sex because you feel unsatisfied sexually or because you think you should?
Post # 12
jetsetbee: It sounds like you both need to spend more time on the run-up – that would solve much of this. Also, don’t make yourself too available to him as that is just extra pressure. He knows you want closeness. Yes you are seeking validation that he still finds you attractive but this approach won’t help him.
Here we have a combination of tiredness, adapting to new territory and a lack of self-control as he goes straight for the mustard. You would be best ‘banning’ it for a time. I’m sure he’ll respond to pushing the rules and when it does happen you could try teaching him a thing or two about patience. Convince him that he will find it more enjoyable with a build-up. If he is occasionally losing his iron he clearly needs more prep whether he thinks so or not.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
jetsetbee: Its in his head. Especially with the lost erection! my FI went through this when we first started having sex.. and once its happened once they think about it and make it worse.. It have to do with their stress and energy levels.
I had to distract FI when it happened and he learnt to improvise.. for example if he was going down he would concentrate on pleasuring me by going down their untill his MR was back and ready.. I dont sugest going to a sex therapist, just talk to each other..
FI and I work long hours etc as well and are more often too tired but we both agree that it happens.. on the weekend if im not working OT
Post # 14
It sounds like insecurity to me. He is probably ashamed of his erection problem, ashamed that he hasn’t made it good enough for you, and just embarrased that this is what all the hype was about. I don’t think a sex therapist would be the best course of action at first- but maybe down the road. I would just start an open, non judemental conversation about how he feels about sex. Boost his ego up and say that you love being with him, you’re insecure too, and you are excited to spend the rest of your lives learning how to be amazing sex partners. Ask him about his fantasys and tell him about any of yours. Ask him what he likes sexually. Convince him that you know that both of you are new at this, and it’s going to take some time to get it just right. I would even take sex “off the table” for a week to take the pressure off him, and concentrate soley on foreplay- playing games, taking showers together, cuddling, playing with new toys 😉 I know from some sex psychology classes I took in college that by telling eachother that sex is off the table for awhile and only foreplay is allowed, the psychologist is actually hoping you fail and end up with an amazing night 😉 Best of luck to both of you!