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I can't say we did, but I can offer you hive hugs!
Does he truly understand what it means to you? Maybe you could write down all the reasons why, and go over them with him.
luckily it is totally up to me. good luck figuring it out. maybe you could both compromise on WA. good luck!
Can you do a small ceremony and reception/dinner for your lake wedding and then have a larger reception/celebration where he wants to have it?
Sorry. Why is it so important to him to get married in Bozeman? Do you really pull for the lake house because you have a lot of memories there? Or you just like the idea of a lake? If it's the second, could you find a lake near Bozeman?
Is he concerned about having it in Bozeman because he fear some friends won't make it if it's OOT? Perhaps getting a feel from those folks will diminish those fears.
Good Luck.
His reason for getting married in Bozeman is somewhat psychological. When he moved there for college 12 years ago he had all of these high school friends say "we're going to come see you!" and none of them ever have. He sees a wedding in Bozeman as the ultimate reason for them to come visit him. I keep pointing out that these 10 people still might not come, but we will have majorly inconvienienced the 70 or so family members who will come no matter what. Not to mention how expensive it will be for them to come.
In my mind, a wedding at the lake is in the middle for everyone, a fun little resort town to visit, and a place that has significant emotional attachment.
He just doesn't see it that way though, and I don't know how to get through to him on it.
CHK, I can somewhat relate, although in a slightly different way. The H.S. friends coming to visit reason is not a good base for a wedding. My fiance left his hometown over four years ago when we moved to NYC. He contacted his friends from "home" constantly to either come visit the city, or meet up with him when he was "up home." He hasn't seen most of these "friends" in years. I feel so sad for him sometimes because I have friends scattered all over the tri-state area and we always find time to see each other. My feeling is, if the friends wanted to see him, they would. A wedding isn't going to suddenly change their attitudes unfortunately. I hope I am not being too harsh, but I have had to explain this situation to my own FI for years...
Hotchild I TOTALLY agree! I'm like, but honey, you skipped their weddings because it was too far to travel; why do you think they'll travel 800 miles to come to yours?!
Especially when if we have it at the lake its only 300 miles!
OMG I used to live in Eastern WA (Pullman) and I TOTALLY have to side with you on this; CDA are is soo beautiful and definitely a great midway point. So yeah. =)
We didn't exactly come across this issue but maybe at this point you both should pick a completely different place that encompasses the things you love about the venues you're adamant about. That way one person won't be resentful that the other got their way?
@krissy: ha, my family is in one of the farm towns outside of pullman! And my sister is a sophomore at WSU! Go cougs!
Has he been to this lake? Maybe if you bring him there, he'll appreciate it.
I agree, having his friends come visit, isn't a good reason. Yeah, what if they still don't come? They haven't made time to visit all these years. And he skipped their weddings too? I feel for you.
@ tippy: I'd thought about that but haven't had a chance to talk to him about it (I'm at the lake for a week while he's in Bozeman). Its a good thought!
If it's about his friends, why don't you suggest he have a bachelor's party weekend in Bozeman? If his friends can't make the trip for that, they probably wouldn't have made it for the wedding either.
*HUGS* I'm sorry that it's becoming such are hard point to discuss.
I like the idea of the lake wedding. I think it would be beautiful, the distance is less, etc. etc. etc. But maybe like knapper08 said, you can have a smaller ceremony at the lake with your family and close friends, and then a huge backyard party in Bozeman? It's still a good reason for his friends to come up!
Have you taken him up to the lake with you? Maybe once he goes, he'll fall in love with it too?
The only thing I can really think of is you both make up extensive pro/con lists of where you want to get hitched (so he'll make up a list for Bozeman, and you for the lake) and then compare them. And BE HONEST in these lists. That means trying to list as many cons that you can think of for the locale, but also all the pros.
He's definately been out at the lake a few times, although he doesn't live for it like I do. And that's ok, as long as he continues to be ok with me coming out here without him!
I feel like my ace in the hole, however manipulative it is, is that we still aren't engaged, and we want to get married in the summer of 2010, but haven't looked at or booked a venue in Montana yet. Maybe by the time we get engaged all of the venues we like in Bozeman will be booked on the dates we want?
I feel like such a schemer typing that! Blah!
@jenniphyr: I like the pro/con list idea!
I'm really concerned too about how much it will cost people to come to our wedding. I think I might make a mock budget for both a wedding, and the cost of attending for a guest, for both Bozeman and the lake, and see how it compares (I know the lake will be significantly cheaper). Then I can show him the numbers. He's and engineer; he understands numbers!
I like the idea of him having his bachelor party there, if its all about the friends...
CHK I went through something similiar, however it was with my parents (who are paying for the wedding).
Honestly, my best advice is to do the pro/con list. Look into as much as possible-cost of venues, cost of hotels, cost of travel for guests, planning process, vendor options, logistics. And just make sure you talk it out. It may be a difficult conversation, but hopefully this will be your biggest problem.
In my mind, the venue determined so much of the wedding so you have to be happy with the decision. Good luck!!
I've been thinking about this tread and came into the office today to "work on a staff report" which really means I'm working on the wedding spreadsheet (nope, still not engaged yet, thus the secretiveness).
I've just finished spreadsheeting guest costs for a lake vs. Bozeman wedding, plus running a complicated analysis on what percentage of our guests are coming from where, the likely hood of people attending at different locations, etc. I'm either going to impress him and make my case when we start to have this discussion or totally freak him out. PS: The lake is more convienient for most of our guests who will come no matter where it is at.
Hey, there's no such thing as too much information to make a decision with, right?
.... Right?
Oh, gosh, this must be so frustrating. Frankly, if I were you, I think I'd have a hard time not getting super irritated. He's still hung up on an offer to visit that never came to pass from twelve years ago? I don't know how your discussions have gone so far, but at this point, I know I would be done being sympathetic and supportive and just say, "babe, it's time to give that idea up. No, really, give it up."
Carrie I love your reply! I really want to be supportive and empathetic of his disappointment with his friends, but I really want to tell him to stop scting like a 17 year old girl!
Obviously I can't go there though... ;-)
I don't know if this is something you want to chance, but what worked out for us was commiting to having two separate weddings! This actually scared my fiance into THINKING about the wedding as a family affair and a one time opportunity, rather than a big party. Only difference was that I didn't care all that much either way.
Let me give you some back story: I am from Central NY and FI is from Quebec. There is about 6 hours' driving distance (not 800 miles but still quite a haul!!) and a border to cross between the two. He is Catholic, I am non-religious (as are most of my family). So originally we were giong to do a Catholic wedding up in Montreal then a lake front reception in my hometown. I was pretty content with our decision, when he called me up at work one day saying, "Hey honey. I booked a date for the Catholic Church in your town."
Thoughts ...First, ok I guess we have a date! Second, "Why in my town, not yours??" He had thought about the fact that I was compromising by having the religious wedding, so he would compromise on the location. Plus, the more he thought about it the more he feared people from his side not coming to the reception, and people from my side not coming to the ceremony, thus having it not seem like the union of two families.
Is there anything the two of you can compromise on? Good luck!!
PS: I don't think I would suggest two separate locations. Its just a good exercise to think about what you really want the wedding to be about.
CHK this is so funny, this is totally my neck of the woods. I grew up in Moscow, Idaho and my FI went to college in Pullman and is from the Tri Cities. We live in Seattle now but still have family in Eastern Washington, North Idaho, Boise, and the Bay Area. We decided on a wedding on the Oregon Coast so it was kind of a middle place for everyone, and also because we both love the ocean and he's a surfer.
IMHO, it can be hard to hear the same thing from the same person. Especially if you're stubborn, and it sounds like maybe your FI is! I am stubborn too, as is my FI and I often talk to his sister about things so we can chat with him together. We also use this method with his other siblings too, so it is more of a "message from the community" than one person asking for something. So I say you start to gently ask people you know about the idea of coming to a wedding in Bozeman v. a wedding in CDA just to feel out what people say. It also seems that CDA would be more accomodating as far as places to stay, is close to the Spokane airport, so you can use that to push it along too. Have someone else put a bug in his ear a little bit and he may start to listen to your reasoning a bit more. Becuase you DON'T want this to end up with him feeling forced to go along with the CDA idea and then when teh wedding stress piles up he's like "I didn't even want this!" because that would suck.
I agree with the others about the pros and cons list. Sit down and make it together and listen respectfully to all of the reasons he has for his perspective so that he can do the same for you. If it is still feeling like there is no compromise, I say find a different place altogether so it doesn't turn into a big conflict.
@ mambinki! WOAH! My family is from Colton, between Pullman and Lewiston on US 195!!! My dad played football for the University of Idaho in the 70's and loves nothing more than to sing the fight song at the top of his lungs... I went to school in Cheney from 1st grade through halfway of Junior year, and we were in the Border League. When did you graduate from high school? I wonder if we played basketball against each other or something like that???
Your suggestion about the "this is a message from your community" thing is a good idea. I want to get married at the lake, but also get a lot of pressure from my family to get married there. Even his mom assumed that's where it would be. I'll have to put the bug in my family's ear to mention it to him when we're there in a few weeks... Good idea!
**********UPDATE!!!!!***************
Through a long series of events (which I typed out only to have weddingbee eat the message), the lake is back in the running!
Basically, after picking out a ring in April, we haven't had a free weekend all summer for him to propose. The only free one was last weekend, and his mom came instead. AND, we've sold his condo and are going to build a house, whic means that we have to rent an apartment for 3 months until the house is built, move, build a house, etc.
So in talking through all of this last night, he acknowledged that the lake might be cheaper and more within the realm of reality. He's open to discussions about it!!! Ladies, what do you think about my wedding site (I'm so getting my way on this):
Let me try that photo again...
Aug12009_190_resize.jpg (68 KB, 47 downloads) 2 years old
Oh and CHK I just read your other response. I graduated from Moscow High in 1996. I didn't play b-ball in high school, I was in the Poli-Sci club and did some debates with that with other schools in the northwest (yeah, I was cool haha hah).
That is so funny that your dad belts out the Vandal fight song! Such a small world...
CHK,
Even though I love Bozeman and Montana, I am totally on your side with this! His insistence on a Bozeman wedding doesn't seem to make any sense when you weigh travel, costs, etc. and the high school friends visit is ridiculous! Is there some other reason he's hanging up on this?
@ Mandy- Thanks! It's nice to have someone on my side! Actually, everyone is on my side; my family, his family, his mom, his boss, my boss, the 4 year old son of one of his college friends who wants to swim in the lake.
Sidenote: if we do get married here, it looks like it'll be September 18 at the Livingston Depot. You'll be a year and a day before me!
He's mentioned a couple of reasons he's concerned about the lake wedding. Mostly, I think he feels like its very much on my and my family's turf. My mom has already done a lot of legwork doing research for us when she's been up there on weekends, and I think he's concerned about the wedding becoming more a reflection of my mom than of us. I can understand his concern, to be fair.
We've agreed to table a decision until after Labor Day. We've got to move this weekend, and then are going to the Oregon coast over Labor Day and the week after. We'll be seeing my family in E. Washington, and his family in W. Washington, so hopefully the lake wedding thing starts to become a message from everyone, instead of jus tme...
Can you think of any other reason he might be hung up on it?
Sometimes they just dig in, you know? At least sometimes my guy does that. He'll latch on to something that's actually not that important to him and just lose all sight of logic. (To be fair, I totally do this, too!) The "your turf" idea seems like a possibility. Maybe he's afraid that this is going to be all "your" wedding and not his? Is there any other halfway site that he would consider or are you completely set on the lake?
One good way that we avoided arguments was to make a list right at the beginning of planning listing each of our top three priorities. That way each person knew when to press his/her opinion and when to let the details go. Maybe you've already done this, but I know it helped us!
Mandy I think you're right on that he's afraid that a lake wedding will be all mine instead of "ours". He even expressed last night concern that since we'd be remote planning, a lot of it would get delegated to my mom, and he doesn't want it to become my mom's wedding instead of "ours". I think it was a vaild point, and one I've thought about too.
My top four priorities would be:
1. great photography
2. open bar
3. I'm not in charge (aka, hire a DOC).
4. at the lake.
... hmm.
********** UPDATE************
I finally convinced him that the lake is the right place to do this! He agreed that even if its pouring and a disaster by anyone else's standards, I'd be happy if it were at the lake!
Now I just have to figure out if it can work logistically!
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Sigh. I get so upset about this. Like really worked up to the point of tears.
Boyfriend and I live in Montana, but both grew up in Washington state. Both of our families are in WA, although on opposite sides of the state. Our friends are scattered through WA, I'd and MT.
The only place I've ever wanted to get married is in the town my parents have a lake place on in northern Idaho (small town on Lake Coeur d'Alene). Boyfriend is ADAMANT that we get married in Bozeman. I mean he's dug in on this. But I just can't let go of my lake wedding.
Literally it is the only thing we continually "discuss" (we don't really argue) in our relationship. We can usually work through other differences in opinion quickly.
Did anyone else struggle to find agreement on where to get married?