We could do better in the bedroom

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If my gf of 3.5 years suddenly decided she wanted to explore and “live a little” outside of our agreed upon monogamos relationship I’d be pretty defensive too. If you’re in an agreed open or poly relationship then that’s a different story.

If you want to spice up the bedroom, look into something you’d like to do (maybe try some bdsm or role play), tell him exactly what you want to do then initiate those things. Have longer sessions if you’re both up to it.

Post # 3
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

Im all up for spicen up the relationship but not the cheating part! Buy some lingerie and get sexy try some new positions, be extra sexy do something you normally dont do in the bedroom good luck! A relationship needs work in all the departments so dont give up if hes an amazing guy! Good luck

Post # 4
Member
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

LatinBride:  Maybe he has low testosterone, poor diet & exercise, or is a bit depressed? All these things can also affect his sex life. I’m sorry he gets defensive. You need to find a way to tell him that this is a very big deal to you and that you’d like to work through it with him.

Do not cheat on him. If you’re to the point that you feel your relationship is stale and you want to explore that badly, then please have the decency to at least take a break from the relationship or walk away before sleeping with others. I can’t imagine the regret and guilt you would have to live with if you cheated on him and then went through with the wedding. And don’t forget to think about the health of yourself and your FI. 

I also think you need to postpone having a wedding if you are seriously considering cheating on him. 

Post # 8
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

LatinBride:  that’s good. Definitely don’t cheat. Work stress, diet, weight gain and pretty much everything can definitely affect sex drive. He could just be in a temporary funk and not feeling sexy/desirable. I can certainly relate to his situation and believe it’s just a phase. 

Post # 9
Member
1801 posts
Buzzing bee

PLEASE no cheating or threesomes or anything.

Try watching porn together? Going to a sex shop and deciding on what items to try/buy together?

Post # 10
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

“I’ve told him I believe we need to spice it up, he agrees but then nothing happens.”

You are unsatisfied and he is clearly ignoring the problem- DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL YOUR SEX LIFE IMPROVES 100%! your sex life will not magically improve after marriage, so if you two don’t figure out how to fix it now then YOU will be even more miserable later.

Post # 11
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

LatinBride:  You say that you tell him that you need to spice things up and then nothing happens. Why don’t YOU do something to spice it up, seems like you are waiting for him to do everything? I also don’t think cheating is the answer. If you want to sow your wild oats because you never experienced those types of things, then break up with him and do those things.

Don’t try to keep the great guy around AND have sex outside your relationship because that would be selfish. I get why he would be upset about it. 

I had similar feelings when I was much younger and had been with my boyfriend for 3 years at the time, we were about 23. I asked to have an open relationship, obviously he took it badly. We never ended up doing that and stayed together another 3 years. But once we broke up I sowed my wild oats and then met the man I am now going to marry. 

Do what’s right for you, but also treat your FI who by all accounts is a great guy, with respect. 

Post # 12
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Country Cottage and Gardens

My FI and I had a time very similar to this. I think a lot of the problem with us was that he was in the military for the first 3 years so there was the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” type of situation going on. So when we were actually able to see each other we practically jumped on each other. But then when he got out and we were together all the time it dramatically declined. And it was similar to you that he just seemed lazy about it. Like he wasn’t even into it. It was really hurtful for me because it made me not want to initate things since he didn’t even seem to like it. So I really do understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think I ever considered actually cheating on him but I really questioned the relationship and whether I wanted to do that forever. When I would talk to him about it he would just practially shut down and say he didn’t know why he didn’t want to do stuff. In the end, he started taking supplements from GNC and so far that has really made a huge difference. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was actively the pills or if it was more just “I’m taking fancy pills for it, now I’m a sex machine” thing in his head. But whatever works. I can get you the specific product names if that’s something you’re interested in. I think what’s missing here as far as giving you direction is what turns him on. Lingerie does work for my FI but if it doesn’t for yours then I would straight up ask him. Something has to. If it’s porn then watch porn. Maybe it’s a specific position that he hasn’t told you he likes. Just tell him you want to explore more and if there’s something he wants to try then you really want to do it. If everything else in the relationship is fine then you may want to consider professional help of some sort. I know it’s an important part of a relationship but I also think it’s an easier one to fix and work on. 

Post # 13
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

Check out the fantasy box. We were in a similar situation and this guarantees once a month of out-of-the-box, sheet-tearing sex. Plus they give you toys and stuff that you can use again and again. I can’t say enough good things.

No affiliation, just think the product is awesome.

Post # 14
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

why would you cheat? that’s an awful idea before starting a marriage. just schedule more time to have sex. and plan romantic dinners and dates beforehand. it doesn’t need to expensive or grand. tell him how much he means to you and how much you want to have sex with him. you need to take initiative on this one, otherwise you two might never have sex again. 

Post # 15
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you need to be a little more proactive yourself, as art deco suggested.

saying “we need to spice it up” is like saying “I want to be a better person” or “I need to be healthier” – empty phrases that don’t tell you at all how to get from current point A to hopeful point B. If my partner kept making complaints about something without offering any kind of tangible advice or solutions, I’d get irritated too.

so, here is what you need to do to truly give your partner a chance before cheating or breaking up. Spend some time REALLY THINKING about what you want to happen in bed. Be explicit. “I want my partner to be dominant, to push my on the bed, hold my hair, and do me from behind”. “I want to pretend like I’m a secretary and partner is pervy boss”. Etc. Then, share this idea with your partner before sex starts – for example, in the afternoon, you could say, “partner, I was thinking about some things I’d like to try in bed… Want to hear what they are?” share a few or maybe just one idea. Then, next time you are having sex, if it seems like things are going to the same boring place, you can remind him: “hey, why don’t we try that thing I mentioned, you know, XYZ?”

Basically, you need to give your partner a really clear roadmap to better satisfying you, since it seems you have different desires right now and he’s not a mindreader.

if your partner refuses to try new things with you sexually, or if you are still not enjoying sex with him after spicing it up, then maybe reconsider the relationship. Or, at least, reconsider the terms of the relationship.

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