Post # 1
My SO just said this when we were having yet another conversation about the fact that we live together and live in a very conservative area, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable and worried about how other people perceive us.
I’ve been doing really well about not bringing up engagement and marriage, but it seems like my insecurities about living together come up a lot. I feel guilty when they do — I mean, I made this bed, I like this bed, and I’m going to lie in it, but it’s hard to not let on when I’m apprehensive about particular situations because of it.
It came up today because we plan on going back to church tomorrow for the first time since we moved in together. It’s the church his family has gone to for generations, and I worry that some of the members of the congregation will have heard that we’re living together and look down on us for it. Not that it would be very Christian of them to be buttholes about it, but I still worry that that could happen.
SO tries to make me remember that it doesn’t matter what they think, reminds me that he fully intends to marry me when we’re a little older (I’m 25, he’s 23) and more financially stable, and he told me that it makes him feel insecure and like I’m ashamed of him when I voice those feelings. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m not ashamed of him — more that people will think he should be ashamed of living with someone who’s being perceived as a big ho! But it made me feel a lot of things I hadn’t felt before when he threw out the idea of just going to the courthouse. I couldn’t quite tell if he meant it as a “please drop it or call my bluff on this” move or a serious offer.
Part of me doesn’t want to deal with waiting a day longer than I have to and wants to explore the idea with him since he brought it up, but part of me feels like this waiting time has a purpose, and that we’ll be better prepared for marriage whenever he feels as ready as he can feel. After all, we really are still young, and we haven’t been dating for aeons or anything… I can’t decide if I want to ask him about that seriously or not.
Have you ladies ever thought about something like this?
Post # 3
I thought about that before, and now. My FI is calling that the money saver plan in our early wedding planning.
A couple years ago we almost went and signed papers, I was going to lose my health insurance and could get it through him so he mentioned it. We didn’t really want to do that and more seriously considered a domestic partnership because in our state I could get his health insurance with a domestic partnership. I ended up working things out with my insurance so we didn’t do it.
Post # 4
I’d like it better than waiting another two years! I don’t feel comfortable going to church while I’m living with my boyfriend – not so much going to the service, but getting involved in one (which to me is a great deal of the point.) “Oh, I want you to accept me as part of your family, but I’m not willing to abide by the church’s beliefs.” Really? And I want to go back to church. I miss being part of a church family. But dang it! He’s not willing to get officially engaged yet. That tacks on a “and I’m not planning to.” I’m pretty sure he’d never go for the courthouse wedding – he’ll want the wedding in my hometown, where both of our families can take part… Grrr!
Post # 5
I would try not to worry too much about what people around you think. As long as you have plans in place for making it official. My boy feels very strongly about being able to provide financially and affording the wedding, hence the waiting!
In Australia, we are actually qualified as a domestic partnership (you have to be living together 2 years I think or own property together) so in the eyes of the law we are as good as married – so our legal rights are protected. So we often say we are just saving up for the party side of it!
Everyone’s journey to marriage is a bit different and you should do what feels right for you – not what other people say is right
Post # 6
Wow! I’m impressed that a 23 year old male would actually suggest going to the courthouse! You know he’s on board now, right?
I’d do it. I’d do it in a second. Especially if there were other factors (money, living together, etc) that made it difficult to have a wedding or important that we were married, I’d go to the courthouse. I’ve even thought about doing it before moving in, and having a big wedding later. Partially becuase I really want to live with my guy and I’m a little scared of wedding planning. My secret fear is that once I get engaged and move in, I’ll lose the motivation necessary to plan the actual wedding. “Why buy the cow” when I’ve already gotten what I want (living together/commitment/ring). And we’ll just be engaged for 100 years 🙂
My situation is a bit different becuase I’m a bit older than you and so is my guy….and it’s *easy for me to say* I’d do it becuase there’s NO WAY IN HELL my super traditional BF would do a courthouse wedding.
I think it’s great that this is bringing out new feelings for you. I have a GF who was so focused on whether or not her guy would commit, she always paying attention to her own feelings. So when he finally said “if it’s important for you to get married, I’ll do it. Let’s go to the courthouse! ” she started having doubts and feeling her feelings like fear of commitment, etc.
Just explore what you really want, with the freedom to know that you can be married to him tomorrow if you want!
Post # 7
@CupcakeLove: that is so awesome your legal rights are protected, by the way! Good for Australia!