- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I'm concerned, bees. I am not a virgin and neither is my husband (ahh! husband!). Even at the beginning of our relationship, it took him 4 dates to kiss me. We had sex for the first time after many months of knowing each other. Since then, we've only had sex maybe once a month, and I am the one to initiate it. I've brought it up a couple times - I've talked about how I don't feel as though he wants to have sex with me b/c he does not initiate it. He just shrugs his shoulders and has no reason as to why he doesn't initiate. I've asked if he's attracted to me, if there's any issues physically with anything, etc etc. He always says there's no issues and that yes, we should be doing it more often. But then nothing happens.
I don't know what to do. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Could he really just be an 'unsexual' person? Do they make 20something men that way? LOL. It's not like he's been sexual in the past and then suddenly isn't - he just never is. What should I do? Or do I need to do anything? Should I just let it be, and if he wants to he will?
Have you tried lingerie? Toys? Videos? From what I've read in the past when men/women are not very sexual it may have something to do with how they were raised and how they were taught to view sex. Do you think that may have anything to do with your husband? Maybe he's never been taught by a woman how to be very sexual and initiate sex. If all else fails there's always counseling. It could be a good tool for the both of you.
I'm not trying to be crass or negative, but the top 4 reasons for divorce are sex, money, in-laws, and children. Intimacy is definitely a big deal in a relationship/marriage. I really think that perhaps further discussing the issue with your hubby would help, and if he is still uncommunicative perhaps seek therapy.
It's possible that his reasons are embarassing for him personally and he doesn't want to tell you for that reason. While I understand that thought process, it's definitely important to discuss these types of issues with your SO.
-Good Luck
I don't think you are crazy at all and I think you need to have a serious talk with him to let him know that this upsets you. I would even consider going to couple's counseling to discuss this issue. If you keep letting it go and it upsets you, it will turn into a bigger and bigger problem over time.
His sex drive may just be a bit lower than yours, but for someone his age this does not sound completely normal.
I do believe that some people have different drives than other people, so it could be that he just has and has always had a low drive. What would happen if you didn't initiate for a while? Would he step up? It seems good that you're talking about it at least. Maybe you could come up with a good "goal" for the the month and it could be a fun "project" for you to work on together? It sounds kind of unromantic but it could be fun if you treated it like a fun thing?
I would suggest a sex therapist. He may have issues with himself, not you. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
Two questions. 1. When you do initiate.. does he resist? 2. When you do have sex.. is it enjoyable for both of you?
It's a lot harder for private people, but I think you should seriously consider going to see a sex therapist. The therapist will be able to help you both put into words how you are feeling about your sex life and help you to initiate positive communication about each other's wants and needs. Intimacy is a big deal in a marriage, so you should tackle it just like you would tackle any other big obstacle in a marriage; with professional help.
I agree with the counseling. Mental blocks can hinder a physical relationship, so perhaps there's more going on there with him but a counselor would know the right questions to ask.
I'd advise against "just letting it go". You both need to get on the same page about it otherwise you could end up getting frustrated and looking for attention elsewhere (I'm not saying you'd do it intentionally).
Also is there anything else that could be an issue? Like work schedules that don't sync or one of you being a night owl while the other is a early riser? Do you spend enough time together?
I don't want to alarm you or act like your marriage is doomed, but this definitely an issue you want to figure out sooner than later. A lack of intimacy in a marriage can lead to the partners feeling like roommates- sex is a vital part of keeping any relationship healthy and intact. You have to have that closeness and without it, the relationship can definitely suffer. A previous poster nailed it when she said it's one of the main causes of divorce- not to mention infidelity. People need that closeness and if they aren't getting it at home, they tend to find it elsewhere. In my opinion, seeing a counselor or sex therapist to work this out now would nip a lot of problems in the bud that might pop up further down the road.
Do you think he might be gay? It seems like there's a missing piece of info in your story.
@olive25: The man just got married, he probably just has a low sex drive...
I think a sex therapist would be a very fitting solution. Like bees above mentioned it sounds like it is a problem with him, not how he feels about you. Sex is a complicated and complex part of life... but a very important part of marriage! I would bet that a therapist would be able to work wonders... might not be an easy road to travel but it'd be better than ignoring it and being unhappy down the road. Good luck!!
could he be on prozac, lexapro, or any other similar meds? those are things that also kill a sex drive besides those mentioned above.
Is he on any sort of medication? Is he overweight? Does he exercise ever? All of those can affect sex drive.
Corgitails - I'm scared that would make it even more pressure for him.
Here's the thing. Yes, I initiate it. But that's b/c that's what I feel is the 'right' thing to do. I honestly wouldn't really mind if we had sex or not. We're very affectionate all the time. And I love that.
But I feel like it's not normal to be how we are. I keep worrying about it.
ribbons - no meds, not overweight, exercises regularly (he loves to)
If you're happy, and he's happy, then don't worry about it. There is no "normal;" only what's right for you. Don't compare yourself to some standard that you think you have to live up to. In other words, don't invent a problem where there isn't one!
If, however, it starts to bother you, or you feel yourself growing apart, then I agree with the others that counseling would be a good idea.
My FI has a stressful job, and honestly, when he's busy at work I HAVE to start things or they won't happen ;). When he's stressed, tired, or just preoccupied he just doesn't seem to have a strong sex drive.
I was also really concerned about this and we've talked about it a lot... sounds like the same conversation you and your husband have had. I don't think it's normal either. It kind of came down to him wating for me to start things and me waiting for him to do it. He had an ex who would always turn him down, so he doesn't want to intitate now (BOO to her!).
I can't say that we have sex all the time now, or even as often as I'd like, but he does make an effort now. We've changed things (like no laptops in the bedroom!) that have helped.
Hopefully you guys can turn it around... it's not like you need to have sex every day, but I'd make it a priority for at least 1x/week
What's "normal" in your sex life should be completely decided between the two of you. If you want more and you aren't getting it then thats a problem. If you're both ok with the amount you're having, and you only want to have more because societies view of normal is X amount, then I wouldn't put more stress on either of you just to keep up with the jones.
take some of the stress off of it and focus on those moments of intimacy that don't have to be sex (showers together, massages, long car rides alone, etc.)
Some people just don't have high sex drives. And thats ok! If you are both on the same page then count your blessings.
Would the lack of frequency bother you if you didn't perceive it as "abnormal" in relation to other couples?
I mean, if you had no idea how often other folks were doing it, do you think you'd have problems with how often you and your husband are intimate?
It's one thing if you feel otherwise happy and are worrying because external messages tell you there's some way a good sex life should look. It's something else again if you think this would be an issue no matter what everyone else was doing.
Okay, so let's take a giant step back here. In reading your followup post, it sounds like you two actually don't have a problem at all. Am I correct in reading that you are only initiating once a month because you feel like you should? And that you don't really have a high drive either?
If I'm reading right, then you have no need to ask for advice. You don't have a problem at all. In fact, you should consider yourself lucky to have found someone you love who has a similar sex drive to your own. "Normal" is a non-issue. You two need to be comfortable. As long as you are, then who cares what other people think? They won't even know unless you tell them.
Just to reiterate, if I understand your last post correctly then you don't have a problem and you don't need advice. In fact, it sounds perfect to me.
I couldn't agree with PaperCrane more. What's normal for my husband and I would probably be considered unheard of by other couples. I read how often some people have sex and I just laugh. I can't even imagine with our schedules having sex that often. We're both quite happy and love our time together, but we aren't stressing ourselves out if we can't do it multiple times/week. It's just not us and has never been us. As long as you are both happy with everything, then I think it's fine!
I agree with a few of the others in that if only having sex once a month is cool with you, then don't worry about it. Actually, if you're cool with it then that's awesome because it means you two are in sync. It's when folks have differing ideas on how often they'd LIKE to do it that problems start. When you take away perceived societal "norms", are you happy with your sex life?
I see what yall are saying but it DOES seem to be a problem because she's repeatedly says she worries about it and wonders if there's something wrong with her to make her husband not want to have sex. It doesn't seem to be a "We have sex once a month and we're cool with it, is that weird?" situation, it's more like a, "We have sex once a month and it stresses me out and makes me think there's something wrong with me" situation.
Talk to a therapist. Nothing we can tell you will help your specific situation! Good luck!
@ohheavenlyday: You're right, but it might be just something that she has to get over based on what she thinks is normal too. Normal to me might be far different than what is normal for the majority of the bees on here. I had some issues with this too at first b/c my husband wasn't initiating as much. I had to talk to him about it several times before he finally started to get it...it was making me feel unattractive too, and he finally started initiating more.
Talking to him and letting him know you NEED him to initiate every once in a while to make you feel wanted is very imporant to you. You might need to have several conversations about this, but don't feel like you need to have sex more than once a month to be "normal".
Hi there,
I did think twice about posting and I apologize, but I didn't mean it to be rude, I meant it to be an honest question. Also, I'm not sure why asking whether someone might be gay would be rude--that seems to be a rather unusual response. I didn't mean it in a malicious way, like "Oh that's gay" (which is way I would never use the word) I meant it as an alternate possibility way.
To me, someone in his twenties having a low sex drive that is not matched by his partner, without obvious clear reasons, such as medication or illness, does seem to raise a question about why. I don't think everyone NEEDS to have an intense sex drive, I am simply pointing out that the original poster felt that her husband's sex drive was unusually low. I would ask myself why--whether it was a medical or psychological reason.
I have dated a man who was bi- and I have friends whose fathers were gay and I think that it's something I would wonder. This is the all-time generic statement--"I have friends who are gay," but it's true, and every time a friend who is a gay man talked about his experience dating women before they came out, they talked about how they tried to be as unphysical as possible.
Obviously, your husband may have a low sex drive for totally different reasons, but I do want to point out that I wasn't trying to being rude, I was mentioning an alternate possibility, which granted, would make you question your marriage, but is not totally unheard of.
To the posters who have mentioned that this may just be a normal sex drive, I would possibly agree, but since the original poster's headline is "We didn't have sex on the honeymoon," which I think IS truly unusual for a newlywed couple.
Im really sorry you are going through this - sexual and intimate issues are probably the hardest to talk about in a relationship and you have to be very careful about doing so. Partners can become very defensive when their partner brings up an issue that they have in the bedroom.
However, it doesnt mean you are doomed. Like many bees said, there are MANY things that affect your sex drive. Certain medications (definitely Lexapro and other SSRIs), alcohol use, drug use, lack of exercise, depression, anxiety, stress at work, other medical issues, etc.
If you want to have sex more often then I would first suggest that you initiate more. Maybe he is just lazy and doesnt like the initiation part. Then once you have been initiating for a little while and having sex more regularly, you can bring it up in a non-bedroom conversation that you would like to try new things or that you are so attracted to him you want to have sex more often. If you dont want to have sex more often and just feel some sort of "pressure", then dont worry about it and just be happy together. What works for others is not necessarily what is going to work for you! Good luck :-D
@olive25: I actually agree with you on this one. My very first thought when I saw her post was "Maybe he is gay". It is a hard thing to think about, but it could be a possibility just as much as any of the other things could be. However, I think that would be a lot harder to determine and/or talk about with her husband so I dont know if thats the best starting point.
We didn't have sex much on our honeymoon either (because my period showed up a week early, lovely!). My husband has a low sex drive too, and we can easily go three weeks or so without having sex. We both have different times of the day that we feel "in the mood" and it honestly doesn't really bother us. We cuddle, hold hands, and feel otherwise intimite.
@olive25: Honestly I didn't think that your question was rude. Of course it might have been misinterpreted because you just asked a one liner. I am not going to lie, that was one of the things that came up in my mind when I first saw this. But then, if you guys didn't live together before you got married, then maybe once a month is not bad... I think? But for the honeymoon, that is very very unusual. Sometimes people do get into a rut especially after a long time, kids, work etc. But for newlyweds, I think he should go see a sex therapist. This is for him. If you do want to go see a therapist on your own to deal with how you feel about not having enough sex, then you can too. But it's something he has to do by himself. I agree with PP who say sometimes the way we were brought up shapes our attitude towards sex. Maybe that's what's happening here. No matter the outcome, I wish you good luck.
Here's a little article about low sex drive from the Kinsey Insitute. She recommends some books at the end.
http://kinseyconfidential.org/low-sexual-desire-get-interested-in-sex-again/
I am sorry but I am a bit confused. Are you feeling anxious because he doesn't have a lot of sex and you think that there is something wrong with that or because you both are ok by not having a lot of sex and you think something is wrong? If both of you are fine with not having a lot of sex then there is no problem. Some people have a bit of a lower sex drive then others.
is it possible that he does a lot of masturbating? my husband wants less sex with me when he's been having lots of sex with himself. ask him how much he's doing it and you may be surprised.
My husband has a low sex drive too. He is always stressed out with his responsibilities. I always initiate it. Although this is not my ideal sitution it is not a deal breaker. He shows me he loves me everyday and when we do have sex it is good. He said he use to have a high sex drive in high school/ college and he thought he might me a sex addict. lol He said he always wished for a gf that wanted it all the time. He got what he wished for. Well his sex drive has calmed down since. But I dont think you need to worry.
I can atest to the fact that they do make unsexual 20-somethings. My BF is 30 and has only had sex with 2 people (not me). I'm also in the unsexual catergory of 20-somethings. Sure, I've had the opportunity to, but for some reason books and video games and TV appeal to me more. Same goes for the BF.
Sometimes I do start to think that something is wrong with me when I fell like I am also initiating the kissing, but I have just come to the realization that he is not a sexual being. So we sit and watch TV and talk to each other.
You should definitely talk to him though, more and ask him different questions. Ask him what he thinks might turn him on. If he doesn't give you anything, try talking to a therapist. I know that is not the answr people want to hear, but they can do wonders. If it comes down to the fact where he just feels like doing it once a month, then you have to decide what is most important...your love for him or your desire for sex.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 94 |
| ndreighton | 77 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 56 |
| beargoose | 55 |
| Mrs.KMM | 46 |
| akp0702 | 42 |
| BetterSherm | 42 |
| MrsBlueSeptember | 41 |
| MrsPom | 37 |
| Beckster329 | 37 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| DevolSyawla | 3 |
| TheLionQueen | 2 |
| LibraryBlondie | 2 |
| PoeticDoveInLA | 2 |
| nycsa | 2 |
| Koi Fishie | 2 |
| strawbs | 2 |
| Gemstone | 1 |
| hotchildinthecity | 1 |
| Gabrielle123 | 1 |
