Post # 1
Hey guys, I’m new to the forums!
My fiance and I have been dating for 6 and a half years. We just got engaged a few weeks ago. I was very happy and when he asked it was very heartfelt and I immediately said yes. We set a date for next year and our families were happy but were like “FINALLY!”
What they don’t know is why it took so long to get to this point. I admit to abusing the relationship for awhile just out of frustration of my own life, not appreciating him a lot of the time, and just out of sheer immaturity. The year that got worse was 2008 when he finally had it and out of hurt and anger he began to say “eff” it and abuse it in his own way (not abusing ME, just not caring about the relationship).
Basically we had a rough year when things came to a head, and our actions became a wake up call. We have been through a lot of BS. Last year we decided to stop and take a look at our relationship and GROW UP and we’ve been loving each other and getting along great and we actually SEE one another for what we mean to each other. The person I was two years ago is not who I am today and vice-versa. We went to couples counseling (and plan to continue to do pre-marital) to try to make sure any issues are smoothed out. He has forgiven me for things and likewise I have and I am continuing to keep things positive.
My issue is after the thrill of the proposal came about I suddenly became TERRIFIED. Like I HOPE TO GOD this is it, and we can focus on maintaining what we have now and not look back. Every time I read or hear about an engaged couple, it seems they’re relationship was super picture perfect with no problems. Are we good enough to even marry one another? My gut says he is the one, but do engaged couples realistically have all these issues in dating life? Did anyone else have resolved problems before walking down the aisle? Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
Welcome to the bee 🙂
I think that all couples go through their own struggles and hardships, but just don’t talk about them. I know we have had some issues to overcome in our relationship, but now, after 9 1/2 years are still madle in love and know we want to grow older together. If couples tell you they haven’t had problems at some point in their relationship, they are probably not telling the truth or they are in denial.
Post # 4
No relationship is “perfect”. I have been with FH for almost 6 years and we’ve had rough times. BUT we worked through it and I have to say, I think our relationship is stronger because of it. The fact that you two went through counseling is proof that you are commited to eachother IMO. Just a thought; maybe some couples marry after a year and haven’t run into the “roadblocks” yet. I think you have great practice for marriage!
Post # 5
I agree with noritake. If you haven’t gone through some troubles and ups and downs in your relationship, it probably means you haven’t opened up to one another enough. Real relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows.
No couple is perfect. They are lying if they are. A couple that is going to make it is one who has gone through their share of problems but come out the other side for the better. It sounds like you and your Fiance have done just that! You have gone through some tough things, but you acknowledged where the problem was, worked on it, and now you are moving forward with a better attitude.
Good luck with everything 😀
Post # 6
Seriously, if anyone ever says they have the “perfect” relationship, they’re lying. My Fiance and I get into fights occasionally and sometimes do things that upset the other person. That’s just the nature of the beast. I read a study the other day that actually said that if couples don’t fight they are more likely to get a divorce because they’re holding back and it will eventually build up until they explode. So, what I’m trying to say is that everyone goes through different phases in their relationships and if you feel you are ready, then go for it and get married.
Post # 7
Oh and, welcome to weddingbee!
Post # 8
Congratulations! No such thing as the perfect relationship, or perfect engagement or marriage for that matter! My Darling Husband and I went through a very rough period about 2 years in – in short, we got engaged, I freaked out and called it off. For a few weeks we weren’t clear on whether we were going to stay together or not. We had a lot of rebuilding to do after that. It’s now 5 years later, we are married and very happy. It is certainly possible to move past those rough times and come out the other end stronger and better for it! I read The Conscious Bride which helped me alot. Good luck with this next phase of your life together!
Post # 9
Nobody has the perfect relationship. I was an awful girlfriend in the past, out of immaturity, and he had his own issues as well. What makes us feel good about our relationship is that we’ve already been at our lowest, and we know that we’re willing to work on it. Marriage isn’t easy, but when you know your Fiance is the person you want to be with, you’re willing to take the bad days, as well as celebrate the good.
Post # 10
Welcome to Weddingbee!
I agree with the others that no one has a perfect relationship. You need to work on a marriage, it doesn’t just come easily. If you two love eachother and don’t have doubts about getting married, then go for it!
Post # 11
Welcome to weddingbee! I have been dating my FH for over 6.5 years. We have had our ups and downs and have grown up together. There were was a time where we had to take a look at our relationship. We knew that we were meant to be, we knew that we wanted to be with each other, and we knew that we were in love. So we decided that although we will disagree and we will never be perfect, it is more important to deal with issues in a constructive way. When we decided this, that is when we knew that it was time to get married.
Post # 12
Thank god I’m not the only one feeling like this. Ive been engaged for 2 weeks now, and over the weekend i started freaking out about how we aren’t the perfect couple. I started picking stupid fights with Fiance and just panicking. But hearing from others that their relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I think we’ll be fine.
Post # 13
My sister just got married last August and she said her and her husband have never ever got into one single fight, they put on this big show like they are madly in love and are best friends but she hides things from him and cheated on him right before they got engaged. She cant even be happy for me now that im getting married in 2 wks,she has decided not to go to my wedding so i do believe that the people that say they have a PERFECT relationship are just BS’ing. Me and the Fiance use to fight all the time but it only made us learn each other’s differences and accept one another for who we are. We are a stronger couple now from our past. Our past and present is building our future.
Post # 14
The perfect relationship does not exist, and you know why? Because both people in a couple are HUMAN 😉
So what you need to understand in order to grow out of your fear is whether you both are putting your relationship first. From what you’ve said, you both are doing it. Just be sure you love to be with him even when he is at his worst… and then work hard for the worst not to happen. Always remember that it’s not just a contract… you can’t say “I need this out of you” and then expect him to give it to you (and vice versa). It has to come from your heart, not as an obligation.
Post # 15
Welcome! We are happy to have you as a part of the hive!
I agree that no relationship is perfect…Noritake hit the nail on the head. IT’s all about communication and knowing that you can work it out. = )
Post # 16
I agree with everyone that seeking out perfection is an exercise in futility. It sounds like you two are in a very good place, if nothing else because you’ve acknowledged the challenges and have sought to work through them with therapy. I think, if nothing else, the fastest thing that’ll destroy any type of relationship, romantic or not, is a refusal to acknowledge or communicate about challenges that arise, whether it’s amongst the two of you only, or with someone else there to faciliate.
In my experience, open and honest communication with anyone has ensured that the relationship stay strong and in tact. I’ve been engaged for a few weeks now, though together with my fiance (weird not to say boyfriend anymore!) for 6 or 7 years. We had some really straining times and many points where I felt extremely stressed and emotionally worn down. What got us through though was acknowledging the challenges and stressors, and talking about them rather than ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist.
So, that’s all to say, I think you guys are in a good place. I think it’s great that you’ve used couples counseling and will continue to use therapy as an option to communicate. And as a final thought, change is one of the scariest things in the world. Even in wonderful situations of change (engagements, births, new jobs, new bigger homes, whatever), there’s an element of loss and grief that comes with the shifting of your life situation. And not to say that you can’t have both happy and not so happy feelings. You can be excited about having your relationship move to a new level and be sad about losing your identity as a potentially single woman. Or be sad about not being able to say you’re a girlfriend, rather than a fiance, or whatever. I think with all the congratulations we get in happy times, we forget that it’s okay to feel sad as well. (And okay to feel both!) So let yourself feel whatever you feel, and most importantely, don’t keep it in.
Oh, and of course, congratulations! 🙂