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I think you'll find there is no "norm" or at least that's what I've figured out, the more I'm on this site.
I would absolutely give a cash gift if there was no registry, and as a BM, I have always given a gift as well. I do think there are some though where the norm is not to give an additional gift - that being in the wedding is a gift alone.
As far as the regular guests who didn't give a gift, you said they did give a card? Maybe they assumed you didn't need anything since you didn't register, or perhaps with the economy, they couldn't afford a gift. I do know of a lot of brides who complain of guests not giving a gift OR a card, so at least they recognized you with a card. Still stinks though!
That is really strange. I have always given money as a wedding gift, regardless if there is a registry. Even if I gave a shower gift, I still give cash or a check at the wedding.
Its really weird that so few guests gave you a gift. Are you sure you got all the cards? I know you mentioned that some wine bottles were stolen. That is really horrible :(
Personally, I would never attend a wedding without a gift (money or from the registry). That being said, I think the standard is to say that "Your presence alone is our gift!" which in some ways is true, but if I were in your shoes I'd be a bit disappointed too. I can send you some of the 8000 picture frames or the crystal candle stick holders we received if you'd like ;) As a guest I would never assume that if the couple wasn't registered they didn't want anything, I'd assume they wanted cash!
As for the wedding party, I think you can give them some leeway. Weddings are expensive to be a part of, so I'd write them a kind thank you for their love and support and participation in the wedding. The majority of our wedding party gave us a gift, but a couple of them didn't and I know those people couldn't have afforded to so it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't expecting anything from them to tell you the truth!
Geeze this scares me because my FI seems to think we'll recieve enough "cash" back to pay for our wedding and honeymoon. I told him that we shouldn't assume anything cause people can be stingy. So we better come up with all the money up front since we're paying for everything ourselves. I saw on www.stylemepretty.com a website call www.depositagift.com (something like that) anyways I thought it was pretty cool, cause we live together and we don't really need gifts but if people wanted to give us anything they could go on that site its pretty much a bank account but they can see where their monetary gift "may" go too. I've never heard of it before till stylemepretty and till a coworker at work told me about it cause she'll be doing that for her wedding.
PS. I cannot believe your guest stole wine bottles from a country club...
As a fellow non-registering bride, I can tell you that it was my intention to let people off the hook for gifts by not registering. We received some bottles of wine, a lot of lovely handwritten cards, and a few assorted gifts of kitchenware. My husband's coworkers and my church choir each took up a collection for a cash gift. But that was it, and you know, it's OK. I realize that expectations are different based on region or cultural tradition, but gifts are *always* optional.
yeah I made it clear to my guests I didnt want any gifts, there was no registry, I knew I'd be moving transcontinentally so it was simply not practical, my immediate family still gave gifts which was nice because I'm still sentimental and it wasnt too much to lug; I just posted a card box on my wedding site for any wedding cards I didnt want anything bulky; I told my friends I preferred no gifts because it was hard to lug across the ocean;almost everyone was nice enough to give cash gifts; just one friend gave me gifts which was nice because she is a dear friend, I'm still sentimental and nice to have a few keepsakes from the wedding I just didnt want a lot of stuff; we also had a money dance which is common in my Filipino culture; we made about over $3000 we only had 54 guests 9 were kids so they were very generous; our reception was a little posh, so I guess this also contributed to it it would have been weird to show up without a gift of some kind
you cant really ask specifically for money or gifts, it's their prerogative; they still have up to one year to give a gift
Its very rude of your guests to have stolen bottles of wine.. but I dont expect gifts from my bridal party and it seems to me that people who didnt bring any gifts/cash/giftcards wouldnt have given you a gift even if you had registered.
I can not even fathom attending a wedding and not giving a gift. Honestly, I've never heard of such a thing. I've been to weddings where the couple have written "your presence is the only gift we need" and I've still given cash or a gift card. It's not like I think "oh the bride and groom expect my gift" but it's the right thing to do as an attendee. Where has etiquette gone???
I've also been in a wedding party and also given a gift. And as for the stolen wine? That's despicable.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd feel bad about it too.
We didn't register, and we wrote on our wedsite "Your love, good wishes, and company are the best gifts we could hope for! No others are necessary."
So I don't really expect to get a lot of gifts. Maybe some cash from the older generation, and something personal from my crafty friends, but that's about it.
Edit: that said, I think I personally would feel uncomfortable going to a wedding and not bringing something. I know that isn't really consistent, given that we genuinely do not expect them (esp. from our less-well-off friends) but there it is.
Yea, that really sucks. But I think you set it up for people to not give anything. Most people these days are used to registries, so if there is nothing to pick from, they just think you don't want anything. And people sometimes think it's rude to give money or gift cards. Also, the bridal party shouldn't have to give anything. They're there for you on your day, and have given much support and money already. I would be upset too, but there's nothing you can do now :(
I'm sorry your guests weren't more generous! I'd be really upset too. I think no registry implies cash (we took a similar approach for our wedding and got cash from nearly everyone). So I agree, bad etiquette on their part. But honestly, what kind of etiquette expectations can you have for people that would STEAL WINE BOTTLES from the venue?
Gifts should never be expected (even if you had registered). A wedding is an event you or your family is hosting so guests shouldn't be expected to bring anything.
Most people would agree, bringing a gift or a card with even a small amount of money is customary (and would feel bad attending without doing so), but unfortunately it also means you could end up with nothing. It's worse when your guests take advantage. It sucks that your guests took advantage of the bar and even stole from the venue - that's horrible (and rude)!
I can understand being disappointed and irritated - because it would be nice for people to acknowledge the time and money that was spent on planning. So your frustration is totally warranted.
As for the bridal party - I don't know if I would expect gifts from them as they probably already spent money on attire and possibly bachelor/bachelorette parties. But I would think they'd give a card.
The kind of person who would steal a bottle of wine at a wedding, is the same kind of person who would show up without a gift. You did nothing wrong in not registering... those people are classless.
Thanks for all the responses. To clarify I did not even recieve a nice card from any of the people who did not bring a gift. And many of you are right, the type of people who got trashed and drank the majority of the alcohol (and stole the wine) are also in the group who did not even give us a card.
We didn't register at Target, BB&B or anywhere like that because we were hoping for money to buy a new lawnmower, get the house painted and buy a new sofa. Not the most exciting things but that is what we really need.
For the person who wrote that their fiance thinks the money from the wedding will pay for it and the honeymoon, you should have a back-up plan. The money we did recieve as gifts doesn't even cover the alcohol bill.
I'm hoping we get money from our guests as we did not register for anything because we have been living together 3 years and have everything in a house you could want. However i do not expect money from many of our guests because allot of them are from out of town and will be paying for flights, gas and hotel rooms to come to the wedding.
This is why I will not be having an open bar. : / People are so inconsiderate when they don't have to pay....
That aside, I'm sorry that you didn't get anything! Is there any possibility that gifts could still be on their way? Perhaps in your thank-you cards you could also be a little passive-aggressive and bemoan the fact that their gift was "lost in the mail", or state that you "hope they enjoyed the wine they stole", LOL. (Yeah...I know...high road and all, but STEALING WINE?! Geez, that's low.)
We aren't registering, and we don't expect to get cash in lieu of gifts either. We sincerely don't want anything other than to celebrate with our family and close friends.
I probably would have been one of the guests who just gave you a card b/c not having a registry doesn't scream "give me cash" to me. To me it says that you only want to share your day with your guests. That's probably what some of your guests were thinking as well. As far as the wine thieves...totally ridiculous. If you can find out who they were, you would definitely be within your rights to call then out on that.
I think it's generally a bad idea to expect to recoup wedding expenses from cash received at the wedding. It allmost never happens.
We only got gifts from around 60% of ur guests - and we DID register. Just not everyone does. Also, i'm sure other will say this - you shouldn't expect people's gifts to cover the expense of the wedding for you. If you couldn't afford an open bar bill, you shouldn't have had an open bar. That was horrible of people to take wine bottles - they may not have realized that you paid on consumption. We paid a flat per head fee, so if that had happened at my wedding, we would not have been charged further.
We didn't register and specifically asked for NO GIFTS as we already have what we need. About 40% gave us cash or gift cards anyway. Still some people gave us no cards and I think that was a little upsetting to me as I kept all the greeting cards we received.
I always ignore registeries when I am the guest - cash always fits!
This post scares me! Whenever I can't find a registry for someone, I always assume they want cash!! I know a few of my friends here in ohio made a nice profit at their 200-250 guest weddings- The one made around 17,000 and the other around 12,000.
I'm not trying to make a profit, having friends and family there to celebrate the wedding is extrememly important and is a gift in itself. But hey, lets be honest, it would be nice to receive enough $$ to close in the gap of the costs.
Wow, I didn't realise people don't bring gifts - even if it's not expected to. I would never attend a wedding and not bring anything with me: more so now that I've planned one from the other side and I KNOW the costs involved.
Reading these posts makes be feel better. We also said "your presence is the only gift we need" but for those "so inclined," we put on our website some suggestions for "fun things we can do (dinners, massage, theatre tickets, etc.)." But I really wasn't expecting that half of the 100 guests would show up with absolutely nothing, not even a greeting card. These were employed mid-career professional people. I sent them handwritten thank you notes for sharing the day with us and largely decided to leave it for them to contact me next time. What makes it feel worse is that many of them haven't, even thought some I've know for quite awhile. I have always given a gift even when the couple says "no gifts" and would feel awful attending a wedding without a gift, so it's hard to swallow. Helps to read others feel the same way.
@chirod: Yes it does. I always go by the register-I would not feel comfortable giving cash.
I think that if an established couple who has lived together for a significant amount of time doesn't register. That they really don't need the gifts that a traditional newlywed couple does. I would probably be apt to give a charitable gift or a smaller gift to such a couple.
I was taught to guestimate the price per person of the wedding and give that plus an extra 50$. MY fiance and I went to my friends wedding, i knew it was about 100$ a head. I gave her 200$ to cover our plates and 50$ on top! so 250$. Now i know everyone does not do this . i am just telling how we do in my family :)
And to be honest. I dont know too many people that would show up to a wedding without a gift or a card. I would say that 90% of the people I know give cash at weddings! Its just easier! I think a nice picture frame or crockpot is for the shower!
I think people just assume if you don't register people get the "hint" you want cash, but honestly, I am to scared to make that assumption! I can't imagine going to a wedding and not getting a gift- if I didn't want to give cash, I would still buy a generic enough gift (with receipt!)- never just nothing.
That sucks OP! Since I do want gifts that is why we went with a "wish" registry as one of ours- (www.uponourstar.com) at least people have an idea of what we are wanting the money for- our house! crosses fingers it works out!
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I don't know where else to ask this or vent I guess...
My now husband and I already have a house and most of the stuff we needed inside of it so we decided not to register at a store for the wedding. We were hoping for money instead. Anyone who asked where we were registered we told them we didn't register and they would usually reply "Ok, so is cash good?"
Well after the honeymoon we get home and open the cards. Only about 40% of the guests who attended the wedding gave us anything. We got a few gift cards and the rest cash. Did not registering mean to the other 60% of the guests that we did not expect gifts??
I think the reason I am more upset is because we also got the reception bill when we got home and the wine consumption was through the roof!! Some of our guests got trashed and come to find out even stole bottles of wine from the country club where our reception was held. These are many of the same guests who did not give us any kind of gift. And in case you are wondering none of them were invited to an earlier shower and gave a gift then, since some people think a shower gift takes the place of a wedding gift.
We also didn't get gifts from the majority of the bridal party. I know they paid $$ to be in the wedding so I guess that takes the place of the wedding gift? Just wondering because everytime I have been in a wedding I still gave a wedding gift. What is the norm?