(Closed) We didn’t wait for sex, and now I’m sad (maybe TMI?)

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I give you props for even having the intention of waiting for marriage.  That’s fantastic!  Don’t be too hard on yourself: having sex with your future husband is an expression of your love for each other.  It’s not a bad thing, you didn’t do anything wrong!  And honestly, I think this will take a TON of pressure off of you two for the wedding night. 

I understand you are disappointed in yourself but I don’t think you should be.  Sounds like you and your FI really have your heads on straight.  God intended for you two to be together and maybe He even intended for you two to have sex before the wedding.  We can’t know His plans.  Just trust Him and move forward!

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry.  People do have different views on sex, but with the way that you and your fiance view it, I think the most important thing you can do is repent and seek forgiveness from God first.  That’s assuing you are being convicted. Then assuming you want to refrain again until you are married, I think you need to come up with a plan to safeguard against putting yourselves in a position to let it happen.  If you don’t have a lot of self control right now (which is understandable), then you might find it helpful to set up rules for yourselves.  It might be as drastic as no kissing or being alone, or it might be something simple. 

For me, I have always found it most helpful to confide in another person with whom I trust and ask them to help keep me accountable. 

 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m sorry that you feel like you let your relationship down and went back on your commitment. That can be a hard thing to deal with. I am a Christian, but I did not choose to wait until marriage for sex. In fact, throughout college I had many sexual partners, and while it was exciting, etc., there are times when I am so envious of my friends who were virgins on their wedding day. That being said, it’s natural that you love your FI and want to express that love in a physical way. I do not believe that all sex is lustful, sinful sex. I think some sex is– haha! But if it is born out of love and a genuine adult commitment to one another, then it is not the same as the lustful sex that comes from a one night stand.

Try to forgive yourself as Jesus would/will/and HAS forgiven you. You are a young woman in love, and in the prime of the happiest time of your life. Your loving marriage will be a testament to your faith in God. Many good Christians were not virgins on their wedding day. And many virgins might not be the best Christians in other areas.

Post # 6
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

It’s hard when you go back on what you believe.  My hub is my one and only but it was before marriage.  I was almost mean to him a bit because I was torn on the issue and he didn’t understand completely what was going on, that I was confused about what I wanted/thought was right  and whether my actions corresponded to that.  Looking back though I don’t have regrets and don’t know that I would even if we hadn’t gotten married.  For us it was right.  My hub and I are very Christian but a loving relationship I guess neither one of us could fully feel like there was anything wrong with it (nor can I think of any direct bible verses to support it, tangential ones that can be used depending on interpretation).  We were ready to become one and support children if that was the result so I donno….for us while I was a bit torn at first I don’t really have regrets about it or think it would have been better if we waited.    

Post # 7
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

For basically all of organized religion, the moment that two people chose to commit themselves together, they were married. There were no government documents to prove it. People just knew that they were comitted to each other, and exchanged devotions of their comittment, and went about their business.

So basically, you guys got engaged, you knew you were comitting to each other, and you started having sex. Just like people have been for most of human history.

 

Post # 8
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

reading your post was almost like if i wrote it myself –

i totally understand the not dating around thing (i didn’t either), and i totally get the whole waiting thing (that’s our intention as well).

i also get the thing where you enjoy it in the moment, but then the realization sets in and you realize that what you did was not what God would’ve wanted for you. granted i haven’t had sex, but we’ve done a lot of other things we’ve said we wouldn’t, and it wasn’t even just once – the familiarity sets in and you find yourself doing it over and over again, and telling yourself you won’t every time.

from a Christian stand point i can say something that you’ve said yourself: God is a merciful God, and i know i usually don’t feel right again about anything until i’ve truely repented. i usually have to talk to my FI about what we did (although he feels worse than i do), and we make even stricter lines for ourselves then when we started.

that being said, things still happen.

 

i think the only thing you really can do is try, try, and try again. don’t think about the long run for now, just focus on small goals. if you really want to refrain from this point, maybe try a month (or an appropriate goal depending on how often you currently go), and then once you get there, set another goal, etc.

 

best of luck, and if you ever need to vent i will be an open ear, because i understand it’s hard to talk to your church or friends about stuff like this.

Post # 9
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

big hugs!

I’m with troubled; you have made that commitment to each other.

I am a Christian, too, and I made the same choice, but…

k, well, I’m a chicken and won’t write it here, but private message me if you’d like.  I have a few words of encouragement from a friend that helped me out.

Post # 10
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

So sorry you are dealing with this sadness! I know how you feel… I honestly go back and forth between thinking, “you know what? I am marrying this man… what’s the difference?” And, “Dang, I wish I could be like those Christians who are waiting,” or feeling convicted when I go to church. This is such a tough issue!! I do think that Christians unfairly put way too much emphasis on the sexual stuff. It leads to couples like you and your FI feeling guilty about sex even AFTER the wedding!

But I really think in this situation, it would be in your best interest, and would make you happiest (especially on your wedding day), to do whatever it takes to abstain for the next 6 weeks. You can do it, girl!! Like @chasegl said, you might even need to take some fairly drastic measures. But, make sure your FI is on board with how you’re feeling and what you want. Ask him to be the leader in this situation and direct you away from the temptation. Pray about it lots, of course. You will be able to enjoy that first night as a married couple much more (and save yourself a lot of heartache in the meantime) if you can make it through this tough time! *hugs!!*

Post # 11
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Do not let your future actions be defined by those of your past. Yes, you have had sex before marriage and now you feel sadness. That’s okay. God loves you and He doesn’t ask us to be perfect, or expect us to be perfect. But I do think He expects us to try our best to live in concert with our beliefs. I think that your conscience is telling you that you are not doing your best for how you want to live.

Which begs the question, how do you want to live? You can choose to keep having sex or not, but either way you have to embrace what you choose whole-heartedly. If you keep believing one thing but doing another, you are going to hurt yourself and your relationship, and I worry that getting married won’t fix it. It’s not a question of shoving the regret and sadness under the rug until you’re married in hopes it will disappear on the wedding day. I dealt with sex-before-marriage issues too, and I know from experience that they do not disappear just because you say “I do.” Because once you’re married, that rug will be in your house and the regret and sadness will still be under it, making your coffee table off-balance and tripping you up when you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I was surprised and frustrated that getting married didn’t make me a different person or fix my issues. Now the longer I am married the more I feel that marriage is a process, one you’ve already begun and that you’ll formalize on your wedding day.

You are strong enough to do what you need to do and to have faith that even if it is hard it serves a greater purpose. Another bee suggested that maybe it was God’s plan for you to have sex before marriage. Certainly that’s possible, but I think it’s self-indulgent to consider that a blanket endorsement to keep doing it. Because it is also possible that it was His plan for you to be able to choose to have sex and then to be strong enough to choose to stick to your beliefs even though you failed, more than once. Or it is possible that your beliefs are not what you thought they were and that the sadness you feel is not about your actions but about the loss of what you thought you believed in.

Going forward, I think it is important to do several things. First, ask for forgiveness from God and from yourself and start with a clean slate. Second, get your fiance on board. You two have to agree on what you are going to do. Pray about it and ask for help. Third, devise strategies to change your behavior get the result you want. If you decide to try to wait, you may have to avoid being alone together. I know that sounds like an impossible, ridiculous request. After all, how long did you make it being alone together without having sex versus having it? Probably a long time. But the game has changed now. Just remember above all that you are strong, that you must do your best to stay true to yourself and to God, and that He loves you no matter how many times you mess up. 

Post # 12
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Can I just say, I understand completely where you’re coming from? And you know what kind of helps? Remembering that we are human and that being Christians doesn’t mean we don’t sin anymore or let ourselves down anymore; it means that we understand that we really don’t deserve forgiveness from God, but he gives it to us anyway.

My FI and I haven’t had sex, but we understand temptation and I know plenty of other unmarried Christians who struggle as well. I know sometimes it looks like other couples don’t have that issue, but there’s a huge chance they really do, or they have some other issue rearing its ugly head in their relationship. No one has a perfect relationship.

Something that’s helped us is not hanging out late at night. When you get tired, you let your guard down.We try to say our goodbyes around 11/11.30 at the latest. Nothing good ever really comes from being alone together in a bedroom at 2AM.

Something that also helps is sharing with someone you know and trust; someone that will hold you accountable.

Conviction is from God, but guilt isn’t. Don’t let what you’ve done destroy you; instead, learn and grow from it and rest in God.

 

And listen to Chelseamorning. That was good stuff.

Post # 13
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Hon, waiting is hard. My husband and I did, and there were times when we had to get away from where we were to avoid the temptation.

Set some boundaries. Have a frank discussion (NOT IN THE BEDROOM) about what expectations you have. Your wedding is May of this year, right? You can make it a month! Find other things to do, maybe wedding projects or something. Try to not be too intimate together. 

God loves us but part of repenting over a past action is avoiding a repeat. 

You can do it. 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I personally believe that a god worth believing in would be happy that you are in love and physically intimate with the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  I believe this is true at any stage of your relationship.  Stop being so hard on yourself.

Post # 15
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

He expects us to try our best to live in concert with our beliefs.”

Wow, I REALLY like that.  And AnonymousOne?  Listen to chelseamorning.  She’s got it figured out. 

Post # 16
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with the ladies here. My fiance and I were going to wait, but once we got engaged, I decided against it. I’m happy we didn’t, because it ended up being fairly stressful at first. (ahh…the unromantic things people never tell you). I think the important thing is, don’t beat yourself up after you have sex. You don’t want to start associating an act of love with guilt. And it is an act of love, even if its not in marriage. 

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