we don't want gifts…..but…

posted 2 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 2
Member
3707 posts
Sugar bee

“I don’t want it to be tacky.”

General opinion on the bee is that asking for cash is just what you don’t want it to be.

Post # 3
Member
11712 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Asking for money is tacky.  There’s no way around it. 

Registry information is shared by the mothers of the bride/groom or bridesmaid prior to the shower.  If you are not registering, you would not have a shower.  If you do not register, it tells your guests you want money without having to rudely ask for it. 

Post # 4
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

jesso4545:  Don’t create a registry. People will take the hint and give you cash.

Post # 5
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

jesso4545:  It is not polite to ask for gifts, or even suggest gifts are wanted, for a wedding, much less specify what gifts you want.

A funny pic or poem does not turn something rude into something acceptable.

It is ok to list a registry on a shower invitation as, by definition, a shower is all about gifts. It is not accepted practice to list a registry on a wedding invitation. You can list your wedding website if you have one.

You can choose not to create a registry and chances are you will get more cash gifts. You can also have an answer prepared for your family and yourselves should you be asked.  If people ask what you want for a gift, or where you are registered,  it indicates they are planning to get you a gift and it is ok to steer them in a particular direction.”Jesoo and FutureMrJesso” have their home set up. They are currently saving for a house”.

ps not having a registry doesn’t necesarily mean you will not have a shower. You could create a registry of small shower -suitable gifts only, or the hostess could choose to have a themed shower, like a stock the bar, time of day, linen, lingerie, cookbook, or any other themed shower.

Post # 6
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

I definitely understand where you are coming from, OP. My FI has a house and everything that we could need already, and so we have discussed the fact that it feels greedy to register for gifts that we don’t mean. My FI would like to register for honeymoon expenses, but that still feels uncomfortable to me. I am leaning toward not registering at all, as I am 99% positive that we will not have a shower. If it is helpful, I found this link from a few years ago. Some past bees had posted some websites that they were thinking of using for a home registry. I hope it helps!

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/registry-for-a-house-down-payment/

Post # 7
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Where do you live?

In Australia, it’s generally becoming acceptable to either include a note about a registry or a wishing well in the wedding invitation. I swore that we wouldn’t, but we have the tiniest apartment and received four sets of towels for our engagement party (where we didn’t mention anything at all about gifts). We’re in the same boat in that we’d prefer money to put towards our house or honeymoon.

We just said that gifts weren’t necessary and that we just wanted people there. However, if people wanted to contribute to our honeymoon wishing well, or to surprise us in their own special way, that would be lovely too.

Yes, it’s tacky, and yes it’s awkward, but I’d rather that than have 100 people call my parents asking what to get us, and them having to say “they just want cash”.

Post # 8
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

The Bee hates money gifts, but in my culture it’s totally normal- in fact getting physical gifts is really odd. But I will say this:

1. We never outright say “Give us money”, because THAT is the tacky part.

 

2. Don’t tell people on invitations, websites, whatever that you don’t wants gifts, only cash. That would be like asking someone how much they’re going to give you, or what they bought you, or assigning what gifts to buy from a registry. 

If anyone added that to an invitation, STD, program, website- ANYTHING- heads would roll. And this is, again, for a culture where cash gifts are normal!

Assuming you’re entitled to gifts of any kind is just icky. Don’t write a cutsy poem, don’t send a picture- all of that seems like you’re saying they HAVE to give you cash. And I personally hate the poem idea- the poems are always pretty awful and really the reader isn’t going to be fooled. There’s no polite or dignified way of saying “We just want your cash”. Them showing up to your wedding is the gift- the rest is extra. Even if it is implied that a gift from the guest is a very nice and gracious thing to do at a wedding no one likes a couple that assumes they’re entitled to anything. 

Just don’t make a normal gift registry and then if anyone asks (which then implies talking about the gift is allowed and they were already open to the idea) find a way to tell them that them coming to your wedding is the key part and that you’re so thankful that they’d offer to get a gift! You’re all set with items but if they’d like to contribute a tiny bit to your nesting fund that would be so appreciated.

Anyone already thinking of getting you a gift will get the hint when there is no gift registry or will ask about it- but by clobbering your guests over the head with it is crass. 

Post # 9
Member
6592 posts
Bee Keeper

Some people will be offended with blatantly asking for money. I wouldn’t mention anything about it. There will likely be people who will give you money regardless to celebrate your marriage. 

Post # 10
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Just don’t have a registry. That’s the only non rude way to do this. 

Post # 11
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

j.gar89:   The Bee hates money gifts.

I have no idea where you got that from. First of all, there is no Bee. There are thousands of members with multiple opinions. Leaving that aside, it is very common for Bees to both suggest and give cash or check gifts.

The behavior that many Bees don’t like is asking for cash. Asking for any gift is rude, not just cash.

Post # 12
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You’ll risk serious side-eye if you ask for cash no matter how cute your request is.  Word of mouth and not registering for physical gifts is all you can do politely.  

Post # 13
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

Darling if you want cash, ask for cash. I don’t really see the tacky argument. People expect to bear some token when attending a wedding; this shouldn’t surprise anyone unless they have been living under a rock. It’s the people that don’t specify that get on my nerves, I don’t expect to wonder what form of gift is preffered and I honestly don’t see how a registry could be deemed any less tacky if that’s the accusation levelled… (“Buy us stuff”!!!) just because it’s deemed more traditional. People want to give you the most appropriate gift for you, be it new plates or money towards a home. As a side note we asked for no gifts or donations on our wedding day, if people so wished they were pointed towards a charitable donation, just so it’s clear that this is my genuine opinion and there is no bias.

Post # 14
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Cash is a gift. 

Most people know couples want cash. Why? Because it was/is on the top of their own wedding gift wishlist.

If a couple doesn’t have a registry then most guests will give cash or specifically ask the couple what gift they can buy them.

Those who flat out don’t do cash gifts will not change their minds because you added a nauseating poem to your invite.

Leave the begging for cash to the homeless.

Post # 15
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee

jesso4545:  Everyone understands how to give money as a gift, it just that not everyone likes to give money as a gift. My grandmother gave a couple’s devotion book to every bride and groom whose wedding she attended. Really, a gift is what the giver would like you to have, not what you would like to receive. 

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