Post # 1
So the Boy and I have been together for 5 years. We recently moved in together. I’ve always known that I was going to be the bread winner in our relationship, but never really cared. I love the Boy and the money he makes or doesn’t make doesn’t make a bit of difference to me.
Over the weekend he mentioned that we should go look at some jewelery stores to get an idea of what I like. HOORAY!
The Boy recently worked at a company as a temporary hire, and yesterday he received his full time offer. So he received his salary information and all the benefits stuff. This lead to us trying to figure out the best way to use it (i.e, pay off his college loans). After that discussion the Boy then says something along the lines of now that you know what I’ll be making, you realize I don’t have a lot of money to spend on a ring. Now this was always something I knew. We don’t make a fortune and I wasn’t expecting some huge rock or anything like that. I explained that to him, which then led to him explaining a new idea.
His mom offered him her past engagement ring from his dad (they are currently divorced). Right off the bat I am flattered (although slightly put off that I would be getting her divorce ring). I feel very special for her to offer it to me…mind you I have never seen said ring since they have been divorced since the Boy was 3. Anywho, he mentions that we could use the diamond and have it re-set. Sounds like a good plan so far. Well then I just HAD to ask what shape it is so that I know what kind of settings to look at. To which he provides the most un-flattering descriptions of a diamond I have ever heard; “It’s this tiny little pear shaped thingy”.
OK, OK, I’m not going to let myself get too upset by this. So I go to the computer and start looking for setting to fit a pear shape. He looks over and see the ones I’m looking at and his response to that is: “Oh its way smaller than those, it wouldnt even fit in those settings its so small”.
AAHHHHHHH! Now I know that the important thing is the marriage, not the ring. But still. I have always had at least some idea of what I’d want my engagement ring to look like and the words tiny and pear were not some of the words I would have used to describe it.
I don’t know if this is something I should speak to the Boy about or how to handle this. The Boy did mention that eventually we could ‘upgrade’ it to something nicer, but in my mind I want to wear the ring I’m proposed to with forever. It is the ring I will have memories of. I want it to be the ring that my children and grandchildren see and know that I received the day I was asked.
What should I do? I need help!
Post # 3
I think you should make due with what you’re financially able to afford right now. I know it’s the “boring” answer, but it’s the logical one. When you can “upgrade”, save the ring and maybe use the pear stone to put in a necklace for your first daughter (like her 16th bday or something). Or you can keep it and pass it down to your son when he wants to get married. =)
It’s a blessing =)
Post # 4
It def is the logial boring answer but if this is what you can afford right now, then you will have to accept it and maybe upgrade later.
Post # 5
Maybe it would help if you actually saw the diamond in person. It’s hard to compare the real diamond with pictures on the computer just from memory.
Post # 6
I agree… it’s more about the commitment, and if that’s what he is able to afford right now, it’s not at all about the ring, it’s about what it means. Realy,, it will mean the same thing if it is small and pear shaped or huge and princesss cut. I also think it is great the he is acknowledging that he would like you to have more, and would like to upgrade later… means he really is thinking about the future and about what you would like. I say go for it… and look forward to the day you can upgrade the ring, even though the original will still always have a special place!
Post # 7
How do you feel about stones other than diamonds? There are some really affordable and beautiful options if you want to go that route. You might look into that as a possibility. That could also be your excuse for not taking the mom’s ring. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that particular diamond,” you can say, “I actually wanted something other than a diamond.” I don’t know, just a thought.
Post # 8
there are options to get what you want. most jewerly stores will allow you to do payments – thats what we did. maybe you can even take old jewerly you dont wear anymore and cash in towards the ring you want – maybe even his mom’s diamond (if she will let you) – i cashed in jewerly from my ex’ bf’s & bracelets and earrings i dont wear anymore and got more for the gold since i was putting it towards a ring with the jewerly store.
i agree that you should get what you want because you will be wearing it for *hopefully* the rest of your life.
Post # 9
Definately stick with something you can afford but…..that doesnt’ mean you have to take his mom’s ring
You could go for something other than diamond, including a clear stone or colored stone.
Do you think he’d be offended that you don’t take his mom’s stone?
Post # 10
I’d suggest trying to get something new that you like better that you can afford… might not be a diamond.
It sounds like the main reason his mom’s diamond was suggested was because it is free – not because of its long sentimental history in the family, or because he thinks it’s a great diamond. Can you get another gemstone in a shape and size you like better? Or maybe a plain band? Or an “eternity” type band with gemstones?
Post # 11
I’m so amazed by all the people willing to give me advice on this. I’m still relatively new to this web-site but I’m so greatful for everyone taking their time to help me see this in new ways.
So the mom’s ring was apparently offered to the Boy’s older brother when he got married. He and his now wife, did not accept the ring. She wanted a non-diamond for her stone. So the ring is now available for us. I don’t think his mom was offended when his brother got a different ring, so I’m thinking it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if we decided to pass on it too. I think I’m just too much of a wuss to say something.
We had in briefly discussed the possibility of paying off the ring together. As in, once we are married your debt is my debt anyway right? So then it would just be one more thing for us to do together 🙂 A sort of bonding experience. He never really right out said no to that option, but the Boy is pretty old fashioned. I think he wants it to be a surprise of what I’m getting and when he does it. He’s made comments about me knowing too much already about the possible ‘ring’, etc.
Post # 12
I’m going to disagree with most of the other opinions, and ask this question:
Would you be opposed to helping pay for the ring?
I knew that my “dream” ring was out of the range of what FI wanted to spend. So, I offered to help him with the monthly payments and used the rationale of “I want to wear this ring for the rest of my life and I’d like it to be what I wanted.” Even though he’s the “breadwinner” I knew that for us it made sense for me to help with the payments, since our funds would be merging anyway.
Post # 13
It sounds like you definitely have an idea of what you want. If you do plan on “upgrading” later, I encourage you to check out diamond alternatives. I have seen quite a few by Tacori that look amazing and elegant, but without the heavy price tag (check out QVC). Only you would know the real secret!…and then you can afford that upgrade later!
Post # 14
technically ‘we’ paid for the ring since we have been living together and share a bank account and all the bills. I would let him know how much he could take towards the ring from his paycheck to ensure we had enough to cover bills and living expenses till we got paid again. I got an unexpected bonus from my work that covered a LARGE chunk of the ring that allowed him to pick it up sooner then we were expecting. I think in this day and age it makes sense to pay for the ring together – it’s an investment you both are making.
Post # 15
@Petunia123: Well if you do go with his mom’s diamond, you will know what he is getting you because he already told you!!
If you’re not loving the idea of using the diamond (for whatever reason – they are all valid!) don’t feel bad about politely saying no. I personally do not think it is a bad idea to help contribute to an e-ring you will actually love and be happy with. And as PP have mentioned, non-diamond e-rings are always an unique and beautiful option also!
Post # 16
I told my FI that I would love a family stone as long as it came from a long, happy marriage. I am kinda supersticious, so I didn’t want a ring from a failed marriage–maybe it’s just my crazy coming out again :o) Anyway, we were really financially strapped over the last year (got engaged 2/26, married 6/5, then bought a house 7/24 AHHHH), so I finally told him that I didn’t care for a ring at all and that I’d be happy with just a beautiful wedding ring of my choice……he didn’t believe me, so he surprised me with a small-ish beautiful round solitaire in white gold and he’s making payments on it (one year of 0% interest financing). He didn’t spend a lot on it and we just started working, so it will be paid off within the next few months. Because he got me the diamond, I decided on a plain white gold wedding band….so we still got what we wanted but didn’t go to far beyond our financial means. I think we came to a good compromise.