Weddingbee boards

Hey all Bee's, in particular NTTC or TTC bees...

I've been freaking out the past 2 days and wanting so much to write on here as you can be so honest without fear of judgement, but i've been terrified to do so. Please bear with me, this will probably be long...

On the 25th, the afternoon after I wrote a frustrated post on the TWW or TTC post (cant remember which) about doing 4 PTs and them all being negative, I decided I would just give up testing and see what happens as it was too much of a roller coaster plus i was testing waaaaaay too early as i didnt even understand my cycles (they got buggered up after the morning-after-pill a few months ago and havent recovered, yes i know its horrible to have taken it and then want a child a few months later, i know...) i went upstairs and was getting rid of all the testing bits and bobs and had one left so i thought i'd just use it for the sake of it, they were a pack of 3 tests for £1.40 lol so not much money down the drain.

And then i saw the faintest pink lin eyou have ever seen, literally, blink and you'd miss it, look at it in the wrong light and you'd miss it. I called Mr D at work, told him what i htought i could see and he said go out and get a proper test. So, freaking out, literally freaking, shaking, everything, i went and bought Clear blue digital. Came home, looked in the mirror, asked myself if i could cope with either result, and took it. I then tried to keep myself occupied for 3 minutes....what a hideous three minutes they were lol....and the result -

'Pregnant  2-3 weeks'.

I had a little happy shocked cry and kept putting it down, looking at it again, looking at the result under different light just incase the digital ink or whatever it is was faulty....but the result didnt change.

I immediately called the doctor's surgery and the nurse told me not to get my hopes up. Major downer. Also, they cant test me until tuesday morning. And that their tests are actually less accurate the earlier you are pregnant than the digital home tests. WTF? I thought it would be dfinitive, but aparently the doctor's tests are only accurate a minimum of 42 days after your last period (whic i'm pretty sure i'm under that threshold but i cant for the life of me remember my last period dates, they were screwed up and i didnt really think about it at the time) so she said i could take it but i would probably get a negative result even if i was pregnant. Well that's a bit too much emotional drama than i can cope with lol! Either way i booked and appointment just to talk to my doc on wednesday evening, and i will take a wee pot in on the tuesday to send off, pfft, what the hell i suppose.

Yesterday I walked around feeling so incredibly protective of my tummy. But by the afternoon I realised that I was petrified. I am so umbelievably petrified, and this is the reason for this post. I am terrified it isnt real. It just can't be. I don't deserve this to be real, i have done nothing good to my body ever, how can the one thing i want so much be true? How can the beautiful miracle, with everything different doctors have said, have happened to us? I am so petrified to believe that it is true. I know women get pregnant all the time (working in a pharmacy i regularly feel waves of envy for women and their belly's or their little ones) and i know that people who struggle with their body or fertility issues also fall pregnant, but not me. It feels like when i think of the lottery, a frigging amazing thing, but not something that would ever happen to me. Does this even make sense?

Mr D told me that it is ok to be happy and love something even if you are scared of it going (i frequently panic about D dying and therefore i worry about loving him so much and the utter loss i would feel if anything happened to him and i panic) he said that if i dont just be happy instead of worrying constantly that the happy things will be taken away, that i will never truly be happy or content. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...and i know this is true, deep down i know we are human beings who are lucky to have emotions and the attachments that we do, but i am just so terrified that i cannot be this lucky, and getting happy or believeing it to be true means jinxing it, or tempting fate, and it will be taken away.

Is my body really growing a little one? How am i worthy of this little possible life? I took two more tests, one last night and one this morning, the stupid pink line ones (much cheaper than the digital lol, hurrah, but crap) and the line was more defined this morning. So we are now on 4 BFPs, but still no confirmation fron the doctor so to me I'm still not utterly convinced. Am i allowed to believe it yet? Please tell me what i can feel, i am such a terrified mess. As ridiculous as it sounds i'm scared i will miscarry befor emy doctor's appointment or before the proper test results are back, and it will show a negative, and in the surgery's eyes i would have never been pregnant. wheras i would have seen the 4 BFPs and known i had been, but without it being official, will i be allowed to grieve? Sometimes when i read the TTC threads all i see is the word 'miscarriage' in the past and i have so much admiration for the Bees who continue trying. I am scared that maybe it is a righ tof passage for every person with a messed up body, to go through one, but i just dont think i could continue if i am and i lose this. I am too weak.

I'm so so sorry that this isnt the typical happy BFP post. I know  i should be delighted and ecstatic but i am just too scared to believe that it is true, i am too scared it will be taken away. Mr D is so happy, callin it the little bean, i want so much to join in but how do you be happy without tempting fate?

@KatyElle:

thank you...i know what you mean, i know it sounds morbid but today to try and just deal with the anxiety i started thinking about the things i could do if it wasnt true of if we lost it, like clearing out the stinking cat litter which has been bugging me all evening (waiting for Mr D to get home to do it is driving me nuts ha ha!), going out with some girly friends from work and getting tipsy-drunk, eating whatever the hell i want and not worrying about eating all the right stuff for the possible little growin glife inside, not frekaing out about how we'll pay for a little one! so i know there is a life afterwards if the worst happens. i just dont know if i am strong enough to pick myself back up and start to try again, i have the upmost admiration and awe for the Bees on here who keep going, it makes me weep reading their posts because i just think their strength and determination is amazing, and i can only dream of being like that.

as for the BFPs, well i had thrush for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago which i mentioned on the TWW thread (ha, charming reading) which i then found out can be an early smyptom as your insideyparts are all changing/hormone surges etc etc. then on saturday and sunday i had horrible flu-y feelings, exhausted, sniffely, achey, hot and ocld, but it never amounted to full blown cold or flu. then this monday i was an emotional wreck, crying at the drop of a hat, struggling at work. then thursday, the day of the first BFPs i had cramping, but not like PMS cramping ( i was convince dthat was actually abad sign, as in find out we are and the nlose it the same day) but no blood or anythign two days later, so maybe it was the good pregnant cramps ha ha. past three nights, utter exhaustion seriously early, like 8pm at night wheras me and D usually stay up till gone 2am. today at work, i was a slumpy mess, almost fell asleep at work, and could quite happily of not come back from my break and just snoozed! so after reading other peoples' posts these hopefully sound like positives.

hmm. happy thoughts? or apprehensive thoughts? tentative thoughts? pessimistic thoughts? how the hell are you meant to feel?? surely its too early to celebrate? gaaaah

xx

@KatyElle:

i cant believe you said i'm pregnant :-)  thank you. i havent said those words yet myself, so thank you!

we told my MIL and SIL yesterday but sworn them to secrecy, it was just such a huge thing that we needed to tell our absolute loved ones or we would have gone nuts lol. we've sworn them to secrecy though as we cant handle anyone else knowing in such early stages.

thank you for putting my fears into perspective. genius!

x

@mightywombat:

oh gosh i'm sorry, i forgot to write any back story, its all on the first post i wrote on the Bee, health bullcrap and stuff. I was told in 2008 it would be difficult to conceive, then by 2010 my doctor said that my body might actully never sort itself out and be healthy enough to conceive. i didnt have periods for years, and then randomly had ones that lasted up to 12 weeks etc...weird, yes.

i've also not exactly ever created the right phsyical envirnoment for a baby (body-wise) i am terrible with my diet and trying not to let eating issues take over etc, while i dont smoke or drink (i dont abstain from alcohol completely i just dont enjoy it regularly) and i've spent so long just simply hating and resenting my body, i just dont feel worthy enough to actually have the possibility of this little life. does any of that make any sense?