- 7 years ago
Hey all Bee’s, in particular NTTC or TTC bees…
I’ve been freaking out the past 2 days and wanting so much to write on here as you can be so honest without fear of judgement, but i’ve been terrified to do so. Please bear with me, this will probably be long…
On the 25th, the afternoon after I wrote a frustrated post on the TWW or TTC post (cant remember which) about doing 4 PTs and them all being negative, I decided I would just give up testing and see what happens as it was too much of a roller coaster plus i was testing waaaaaay too early as i didnt even understand my cycles (they got buggered up after the morning-after-pill a few months ago and havent recovered, yes i know its horrible to have taken it and then want a child a few months later, i know…) i went upstairs and was getting rid of all the testing bits and bobs and had one left so i thought i’d just use it for the sake of it, they were a pack of 3 tests for £1.40 lol so not much money down the drain.
And then i saw the faintest pink lin eyou have ever seen, literally, blink and you’d miss it, look at it in the wrong light and you’d miss it. I called Mr D at work, told him what i htought i could see and he said go out and get a proper test. So, freaking out, literally freaking, shaking, everything, i went and bought Clear blue digital. Came home, looked in the mirror, asked myself if i could cope with either result, and took it. I then tried to keep myself occupied for 3 minutes….what a hideous three minutes they were lol….and the result –
‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks’.
I had a little happy shocked cry and kept putting it down, looking at it again, looking at the result under different light just incase the digital ink or whatever it is was faulty….but the result didnt change.
I immediately called the doctor’s surgery and the nurse told me not to get my hopes up. Major downer. Also, they cant test me until tuesday morning. And that their tests are actually less accurate the earlier you are pregnant than the digital home tests. WTF? I thought it would be dfinitive, but aparently the doctor’s tests are only accurate a minimum of 42 days after your last period (whic i’m pretty sure i’m under that threshold but i cant for the life of me remember my last period dates, they were screwed up and i didnt really think about it at the time) so she said i could take it but i would probably get a negative result even if i was pregnant. Well that’s a bit too much emotional drama than i can cope with lol! Either way i booked and appointment just to talk to my doc on wednesday evening, and i will take a wee pot in on the tuesday to send off, pfft, what the hell i suppose.
Yesterday I walked around feeling so incredibly protective of my tummy. But by the afternoon I realised that I was petrified. I am so umbelievably petrified, and this is the reason for this post. I am terrified it isnt real. It just can’t be. I don’t deserve this to be real, i have done nothing good to my body ever, how can the one thing i want so much be true? How can the beautiful miracle, with everything different doctors have said, have happened to us? I am so petrified to believe that it is true. I know women get pregnant all the time (working in a pharmacy i regularly feel waves of envy for women and their belly’s or their little ones) and i know that people who struggle with their body or fertility issues also fall pregnant, but not me. It feels like when i think of the lottery, a frigging amazing thing, but not something that would ever happen to me. Does this even make sense?
Mr D told me that it is ok to be happy and love something even if you are scared of it going (i frequently panic about D dying and therefore i worry about loving him so much and the utter loss i would feel if anything happened to him and i panic) he said that if i dont just be happy instead of worrying constantly that the happy things will be taken away, that i will never truly be happy or content. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…and i know this is true, deep down i know we are human beings who are lucky to have emotions and the attachments that we do, but i am just so terrified that i cannot be this lucky, and getting happy or believeing it to be true means jinxing it, or tempting fate, and it will be taken away.
Is my body really growing a little one? How am i worthy of this little possible life? I took two more tests, one last night and one this morning, the stupid pink line ones (much cheaper than the digital lol, hurrah, but crap) and the line was more defined this morning. So we are now on 4 BFPs, but still no confirmation fron the doctor so to me I’m still not utterly convinced. Am i allowed to believe it yet? Please tell me what i can feel, i am such a terrified mess. As ridiculous as it sounds i’m scared i will miscarry befor emy doctor’s appointment or before the proper test results are back, and it will show a negative, and in the surgery’s eyes i would have never been pregnant. wheras i would have seen the 4 BFPs and known i had been, but without it being official, will i be allowed to grieve? Sometimes when i read the TTC threads all i see is the word ‘miscarriage’ in the past and i have so much admiration for the Bees who continue trying. I am scared that maybe it is a righ tof passage for every person with a messed up body, to go through one, but i just dont think i could continue if i am and i lose this. I am too weak.
I’m so so sorry that this isnt the typical happy BFP post. I know i should be delighted and ecstatic but i am just too scared to believe that it is true, i am too scared it will be taken away. Mr D is so happy, callin it the little bean, i want so much to join in but how do you be happy without tempting fate?