Weddingbee boards

Also?  This is long, and I'm sorry.  

Sunday involved a major fight with the boy about what to serve as appetizers at Thanksgiving.  I wanted to do a cheese tray, which is what we've been doing in my family ...uh for years?  I said I'd like smoked gouda (since my parents both like that) and camembert (another crowd pleaser).  He made some snarky comment about having "normal" (I hate that word, officially) cheese, like cheddar.  I said fine -- no problem, we can have cheddar too.  Not my favorite, but I'll be the one shoving camembert in my face so no biggie.  In my head I envisioned a few cheeses set on a platter so the addition of the cheddar was fine.  He then proceeded to throw an out of the blue, major hissy fit about appetizers.  He said he didn't want any "weird" food and then when I asked him what he defined as "weird" he just said "do whatever you want, since you'll do it anyway."  I tried to talk to him about it -- I think I was being really rational about it -- and ask him, okay, what do you define as a normal appetizer.  I finally got him to tell me that he thought chips and salsa, carrots and celery were "normal" appetizers.  I said we could have those too, I just wanted to have a cheese tray.  He continued to insist that it was "weird" even though I told him it's not weird to me (or to like the rest of the world?) and then he shut down and told me again to do whatever I wanted since I'd do that anyway.  In the midst of my relatively rational behavior, I may have told him that he only though it was "weird" because his foodie parents [/extreme sarcasm] had never exposed him to it and also that it might not hurt to open himself up to new things. 

After a very tense dinner, I went into the bedroom to watch TV and basically get away from him.  He came in and started to talk about it again and -- I can't remember the exact sequence of the conversation but the gist of it was that he said "why do we have to have weird cheeses" and I said "they're not weird to me" and then he just got up and left.  As he was closing the door I said "so that's it?  we're just done discussing it?" and he said "yeah, deal with it." 

Now, I was officially pissed off.  I slammed the door, changed into my gym clothes and walked out the door without saying a word.  Stayed at the gym for an hour, came home and showered and went to bed. I cannot figure out why he chose this one issue to pick a fight over and freak out about.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my parents are coming in and we won't be able to eat at his family's house.  Or maybe he just decided to be an jerk that day.  Who knows.

So -- sorry this is long, but I'm still really pissed, really confused.  Why the hissy fit?  Why is he being so closed minded?  I'm from Pennsylvania and he's from Texas and I notice this a lot -- he thinks things I do are "snobby" or "fancy" but they're really not (smoked gouda isn't what I'd consider fancy) and besides -- lots of people have cheese trays at parties?!  I've noticed a resistance to any type of food he thinks is "fancy" or he can't pronounce -- we've encountered this searching for wedding caterers.  I've got no clue what to do and we're still only hardly speaking to each other.  Mostly I just want to yell ... or cry.  Agh. 

I don't know, it sounds like there are some deeper issues at play here.  From his "just do whatever you want, you'll do it anyway" comment, it sounds like maybe he feels you don't take his opinions very seriously.  This is something you guys should definitely try to talk about and work through.  From your post it also seems like he feels insecure about your differences in socio-economic status.  I faced this issue with my fiance as well, it's not an issue now, but it was something we definitely had to get out in the open and discuss.  Maybe bring it up like: "you said I just do what I want anyway, what did you mean by that?  Do you feel like I don't take you into consideration?" and see what happens...

@hello -- In terms of status growing up, we're pretty similar.  His parents probably had more $$ than mine because of better investing.  And it's not that my family is worldly -- my mom won't touch sushi, no matter how hard I try -- I think I just absorb more from other people/cultures around me.  I also think I've been exposed to more -- I've been to Europe; he's never been out of the US.  I've moved around from PA to SC to TX and he's never lived out of state.  I've met people from everywhere -- it was one of my BMs from Cali who introduced me to sushi in grad school (...speaking of sushi).  2 Thanksgivings ago, I went to Austin with my boss and ate dinner with her family -- it was the first time I'd ever eaten fois gras and drank port.  They put it in front of me, and I tried it.  So it's not as though I come from this grand, worldly family, I think I'm just open to new things more than he is.  Which makes it frustrating when I try to get him to try things and he won't based on the fact that he can't pronounce it.  

It is the "you'll just do it anyway" comment that really upsets me.  True, I get my way a lot, but I think our relationship is pretty balanced.  And it wasn't as though I said "we will ONLY have fancy, smelly cheeses and NO chips and salsa!!!"  -- I totally compromised!  I essentially offered him everything he wanted plus two cheeses that I liked.  Plus, it was totally out of the blue.  I agree that there are probably underlying issues -- but what are they?  And how am I supposed to pry them out of him? 

I agree with @klikky - My FI and I had similar types of fights (one over hailing a cab) when we first started dating.  We kinda nipped it in the bud early, and what he said was that because I am so "strong-willed," sometimes he didn't feel like the man in the relationship because I was independent and would "do what I wanted anyway."  I think it came down to him wanting to be helpful and have input, and me not telling him what to do - he felt like his opinons were just as strong and right, but I was overridding him because I thought I knew better or that my way was the right way.

There are times when I just grit my teeth and let him do it his way - because it seems as right to him as your delicious cheeses seem to you (and me!)  We're building a life TOGETHER, and...unfortunately...I don't always get to win.

BTW, the way you should hail a cab is to have your arm up BEFORE the cab is near you - that way they can see your arm and slow down/put on their blinker or change lanes if needed ;-)

So.. this isn't really related, but I thought I would share. When I was a senior in high school, my best friend and I started a cheese club, where we would go buy different types of cheeses and then write about them, noting which ones we liked the best. It only lasted one trip, but it was a great concept. 

I agree with Mr. Bee that compromises usually make both parties unhappy. Much better just to talk about it and figure out the underlying problem. 

Or, just make the cheese tray with all sorts of cheeses (cheddar included!) and just not label any of them. No one will know that they can't pronounce the name of the cheese they're eating. And include crackers! Yum. I love cheese.