(Closed) We had a fight with tears with just 5 weeks to go!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Although the two of you have A LOT IN COMMON… this does sound like a MAJOR issue in your lives… especially for him (although if he’s dealing with it, because he just sees it as “what he is” and you see it as more / potentially a BIG issue affecting your future happiness / togetherness etc … then quite rightly the ISSUE is yours to figure out).

I’d certainly say this is something that needs therapy to work thru… and probably A LOT OF THERAPY to get past whatever “coping mechanisms” he’s put into place to avoid having to deal with it outright.

Sadly, you don’t have MUCH time with just 5 Weeks to go before the wedding.

I can’t look into a crystal ball and predict the future for you… if he gets good counselling then he may get by this.  If he doesn’t it could potentially get worse as he gets older.  It truly is the SMALL problems that become BIGGER ones in a marriage given time and the age of the participants (as we get continually more “stuck” in our ways)… I can say this with much confidence because I married a guy “with issues”… they DID NOT GET BETTER… to the point that they poisoned our relationship… and after 20+ Years, I couldn’t take it any more and left

If I had known then (5 weeks out) what I know now, I would have probably opted out despite the fact that at “face value” we had sooo much in common, and I loved him desperately.

I would have had a lot happier life if I hadn’t been dragged into a myre of self-loathing, poor self esteem etc.

Sorry, I don’t know what to tell you… other than counselling is a place to start.  But the outcome will ultimately be up to him, not you… so you truly are putting “your future” blindly in his hands

Hope this helps (somewhat),

PS… BIG (( HUGS )) because I am sure you need em.

 

Post # 5
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Hey, guess what? Marriage is nothing but waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows. It’s a big continuum of problem solving, and placidity. You get used to that sort of thing, and you keep the communication open and honest to get through it. 

Problems like yours aren’t insurmountable, so long as each of you is willing to work at the relationship for the better. When one of you stops caring, then you have problems.

Post # 6
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@sept22insf:  Is FI taking any medications for anxiety and/or depression?  Either is not something that you can “fight off” and although talk therapy is VERY VERY helpful – he might need medication. Forget any stigmas attached to such topics – from personal experiences, they can be very helpful. I think it might be best to seek therapy AFTER the wedding. There is a lot going on for you both now. Maybe a month or so after, once things have calmed down. The stress right now for him might also be a trigger and making this worse for right now. All you can do for him in the meantime is be supportive.

Post # 7
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can relate to some of the stuff you’re saying. I think with 5 weeks to go, realistically you’re not going to put the wedding on hold. It’s likely his anxiety will get worse with age. Men tend to internalize it and it just builds through out life. My father is like that, he worries about EVERYTHING now. He drives my mother insane with his anxieties and his lack of social grace (he constantly interrupts people, has an awful temper) but they’re still really happy together and have been married for 30 years. If he’s open to going to therapy then you’re already on the right foot. My dad didn’t take a xanax until he was in his late 50s! The frustrating thing is, people get really defensive of their anxities so if he’s cooperative then great but if not, it’s going to be a long road.

In terms of the friends thing — I’d had a similar conflict with my FI. He blew up at a friend of mine (they were BOTH in the wrong) and I immediately defended my friend. I just hated that he couldn’t control his temper enough to just behave when he was upset and he was really angry that I didn’t have his back. Like you. We still haven’t really resolved it but I know that life is really long and these conflicts are going to come up. No matter how socially graceful anyone is, there are going to be spats. At the end of the day, it’s just the two of you. If and when you have kids, it’ll be you and your kids. I think keeping the relationship solid is a bigger priority than are friends. I’m torn about this myself because my parents have such a good, close-knit group of friends and I want that for us but I see that it comes with a lot of work and drama. Any long term relationship is bound to have drama!

Don’t be embarassed that he acted like that, it happens. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have similar anxiety problems are your FH, except I don’t freak out on people too easily.  I do have a morbid obsession/fear of terminal illnesses, and dying.  I can say that unless you have experienced severe anxiety or a panic attack, it is hard to relate to.  Have you ever leaned back in a chair, and then it almost tips over, causing you to suddenly lunge forward to save yourself.  You know that feeling you get just for a second, that almost takes your breath away?  Now, imagine that, but instead of for a second, minutes.  

I definitely think therapy is a good option, and as much as a lot of people are against it, I am pretty sure they will recommend medication.  There is nothing wrong with medication, but please be warned, it can take some time to find the perfect med that works for your FH.  I would just try to be patient, and if you know there are certain triggers, like grey hair=aging=closer to dying, help difuse the situation before things escalate. 

I wish you luck, and I really hope you enjoy your wedding.  Just remember…it is for better or worse. 

Post # 9
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Aww. It sounds like he felt ganged up on and then hurt that you didn’t stick up for him – while you were wondering why he couldn’t just take a joke and feeling embarassed that he reacted that way.  You talked about it though, so thats the biggest step in the right direction.  It sounds like you guys need a “signal” – a nudge, a pat, a hand squeeze – some way for him to say “I need out” or “I need you to change the subject” before his anxiety goes through the roof.     My FI has some traits of high functioning aspergers and can get really awkward in social situations sometimes – I’ve trained him a bit, but I’ve also just learned to read him and can tell when he needs me to redirect a conversation or give him an excuse to leave – like asking him to go get the car or something. If he’s hard to read, give him a way to get that message to you non-verbally.

He will probably never be an extrovert – and thats okay – this is certainly not a deal breaker!!  And no amount of therapy would or should try to make him something he isn’t. Its about finding a balance of social-life things that work for both of you. And that might mean that more often than not, you go out with friends and he’s happy to stay home – thats also perfectly okay!!

Post # 10
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I can see why both of you are upset. He should NOT have acted that way. I would have been mad to. Yet, in front of others, I always have my fiance’s back, even if I don’t completely agree with it 100%. I wait until we’re alone to address the issue. It’s just something about having a united front that makes my fiance feel secure and like our relationship works, when it does. Plus, in the heat of the moment, he probably needed your support.

I think it’s a great idea to look into therapy. I have a close friend that has a perscription for anxiety and it helps him a lot. This, like all other challenges, will only make you stronger!

Post # 12
Member
7796 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Perhaps it’s stuff I’ve seen in my husband, but I partly side with your FI. The other woman was way, way, way out of line.

First, unwanted physical contact from a woman who’s not his wife. Second, pulling a hair can hurt. Third, public humiliation. Fourth, you joined in the teasing and you must have known he wouldn’t like it. Fifth, he wants your support and instead this woman – a woman who’s not his wife – puts his arm around him.

It’s hard to know how to react when your spouse has been totally wronged like that, when the other person doesn’t realise it. But after the initial couple of seconds, I think you should have comforted him (e.g. with a hug). There’s no way around it, it was awkward. But I think it was just one of those cringeworthy moments which happen sometimes in life. Add this with the stress of wedding planning, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Post # 13
Member
7796 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just following up… what DH hates more than anything is public humiliation, especially when it comes from me in any form. Not sure if it’s a male thing or just something some people have. Anyway, the comment about wanting you to “have his back” rings very familiar to me.

Post # 14
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you handled the situation pretty poorly. This isn’t a reaction your FI has direct control over. You could have stuck up for him gently/explained this to the friend. I’d talk with him and see if you two can come to an agreement about whether it’s ok for you to disclose his anxiety to people if they are unintentionally egging him on. He may be comfortable with you doing that with closer friends. It would really help diffuse the situation for all involved!

Post # 15
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@paula1248:   you’re absolutely right.  The first several big fights I had with mine were over these kinds of situations – where there was a perception of “you didn’t stick up for me” or “I felt ganged up on”.  The tough part is when you know thats not how you acted on purpose, but its his perception – and his perception is valid (as is yours though).

With my FI, he would say something that people thought was funny, and at first, I thought he was being funny on purpose.  But sometimes it turned out he wasn’t trying to be funny, but we’d all have laughed, and on the way home he’d tell me he was hurt.

The good news though, is that once we kinda figured this out, it hasn’t been a problem in probably 2 years.

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