Post # 1
(Background – Together for 4years, lived together alone for 3years, both set in our careers but both a little in debt. He is 30 and I am 25 nearly 26).
Ok, a week ago I posted about how my boyfriend had made several comments/jokes about how we would not be getting married for a long time, or how he put it ‘eventually/when he got round to it’. We had a serious chat about 3 months ago so these comments surprised me as I thought we were on the same page. Anyway one ranting post later (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/urghh-what-a-weekend-apparently-i-am-not-patient-1#axzz2u9mTit8L) I knew you were all right and we had to have a chat.
I sat him down and asked him what was important to him and told him what was important to me. He agreed that marriage, kids, house etc. were very important to him too and they are what he wants.
I aske him what was holding him back from proposing and he said that it was predominantly finacial but he also didn’t see 4years as that long a time as we’re going to be together forever. I said that 4years was in fact quite a long time and I really thought we would have been married by now.
I said I would like a rough timeline just so I know where I stand as not knowing anything is driving me crazy and a timeline would help me relax as I wouldn’t be second guessing everymove/disappointed at certain events.
I said ‘I guess I shouldn’t expect a proposal this year then?’ and he said that he was thinking of proposing around the 5year mark/sometime next year but he wouldn’t want to rule out a proposal this year if everything feel into place.
He said he would worry about getting engaged as it could cause arguments e.g. He would buy himself something and I would get pissed off as I would want him to save for a wedding. I then said that we need to start prioritising and decided what is important as you can’t save every penny and not enjoy day to day living but need to start realising the future is more importatant. I agreed we would compromise in this areas.
I made it clear I didn’t want a massively expensive ring, a extravagant proposal or a big wedding. As long as it is thoughtful and sentimental I would be happy.
I think I am happy with this and taking that I should be expecting a 2015 proposal??
What are your thoughts bees?
Post # 3
If it is financial, as he says, you should have a financial plan in place together. It’s not rocket science: X dollars put towards your debt everyone month for X amount of time. For me, “around the 5 year mark” is a little vague, and 5 years is a little long to decide about marriage.
But it really depends on how you feel. If you can feel happy waiting another year, wait. If you can’t feel happy with this timeline, be honest and tell him. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, you can’t force it or pretend.
Post # 4
Wow, that is still so vague. You still don’t even know if you can stop waiting this year. I actually think it would have been nicer of him to rule out the proposal this year.
I agree with canadajane that a bigger deal is your finances. He is reluctant to propose because of your debt, and because he thinks you will argue about how to save for a wedding. How you deal with finances is a huge deal, and it will be better to deal with it now. I think you should decide not only how much money you should both put toward debt payment, and calculate how many months that will take, and also how much money you can save each month for a wedding.
He is worried that if he buys something fun for himself, you will be mad, but if you have a savings plan he is following, there may be more left over. For instance, if you each save $100 per month, you will have $4800 for a wedding in a little over 2 years. If you can save more, you can either get married faster, have a bigger wedding, or use the money for something else. The same goes for your debt repayment. Taking care of the debt is more important than saving, because debt interest is always higher than savings. HOWEVER if your debt is smallish, you could transfer the balance to a no-interest credit card and try to pay it off in one year. I did that with mine, and it really helped. You need to do the math and figure out savings plan and timeframe is realistic, or this timeline will stretch out indefinitely. Learning how to communicate about money is a critical part of a marriage, and you should practice it now if you can.
Post # 5
Sounds like you guys are on the same page about where you’re going just have slightly different interpretations of if four years is a long time. And that’s subjective – I wasn’t ready at our four year mark, so it doesn’t seem like a super long time to me. But it sounds like you guys have the same goals, and that’s what’s important.
Post # 6
@LilMonkey: I think his concerns are legit, and that you should work a financial plan together to get rid of debts and to save for a wedding. Together, starting now. Not because you’re getting married in 2015 (don’t pressure him), but because it’s something you both want in your life at some point ? Because you both want to get rid of debts to start your marriage, when it happens, on the right foot ? Great, now let’s take concrete actions toward those goals. It’s team effort and it will comfort him to know there’s a saving slowly building up each month, and following a budget means he can save for you and spend for himself from time to time as well. And for you, it will make the waiting less excruciating and more real, since you’ll put money aside too toward a common goal.
Post # 7
Thanks for your advice!
@canadajane: I did try and sit down with him and work out a plan e.g. I said if we each saved at least £165 a month (most months I would save more) we could have enough for a wedding in 2 years. He is starting a new job and said once he knows exactly what his ‘bring home’ amount will be he will sit down and start figuring out what he will save. (I will make sure I hold him to that come April lol).
@HBanan: agreed, it is still rather annoyingly vague (but 6months ago he refused to give me any sort of timeline at all) and I agree I wish he kind of said there would definately be no proposal this year too! We have sorted our debts so are paying them off reasonably fast with quite low interest so hopefully we can save more. As I said to CanadaJane I will definately be on him to sort out a savings plan and paying into a joint savings account once he knows exactly how much he ‘brings home’.
@JenGirl: I am hoping we’re on the same page 🙂 just hoping he isn’t placating me.
Post # 8
@NauticalDisaster: agreed, finances are important! Will sit him down and sort a budget with him when he sorts his new job :). Thanks for support 🙂
Post # 9
:/honestly it sounds pretty non commital to me. I understand his concerns, but those concerns would still be possibly a thing even 10 years from now if you were saving for a wedding, so it sounds like a bit of an excuse. It’s good that he’s on kind of the same page, but it doesn’t sound like he has a specific timeline or plan…
Post # 10
I don’t think he’s toying with you OP. I know my ex was ”in the moment” type of guy. Unless things were all sorted out in our life, he struggled to plan ahead for important projects. Ex.: when I used to talk to him about a downpayment on a house, he would say it was not a priority as long as I was a student, etc. Some people genuinely need to feel they’re at a good place financially before making big plans. My FI is somehow the same, he’s more down to earth and he’s the one making my ”waiting” (for a house) more tolerable, because he explains to me why it’s better to wait another 2-3 years while I felt SO READY, and over time I realized he was right. He preferred to focus on what was bothering him right now (wanting to have a better job and more money = needing a degree = going back to college for 3 years). It postponed all our projects, but it’s a decision he made for our well-being in the long run. I, on the other hand, would have liked to have a house this year, and I now realize we better wait and have more options, plus we’ll have a better life quality once we cleared our debts, etc. 3 years is perfect to save and be debt-free.
There’s definitely a way to compromise between his financial insecurities and your feelings, and to decide on a rough timeline together like you suggested.
Post # 11
@LilMonkey: My thoughts are… that he’s already decided on you forever. Don’t “expect” anything at a designated time otherwise you will just be disappointed if that time comes and goes. You are a sure thing; you both know that. Enjoy your life together and let it happen when it happens. 🙂
I’ve read too many threads where a girl has pushed a proposal and then regrets it when it finally happens because she’ll never know whether it happened because he wanted it to or just because she said something about it.
So many women have no idea of the immense pressure a guy feels about proposing – not about “Oh my god is this the right woman”, but rather “Oh my god, I’m going to ask the love of my life to marry me, will she say yes? What if I say the wrong words…?!!” So if he’s taking his time, he could just be nervous and mustering up the courage/plan something nice.
Post # 12
I think it’s really unfair that some PP are saying basically saying his reasons are crap. IMO not having the money is one of the only acceptable reasons to wait. I’d rather a guy who wants to marry me but is waiting because he doesn’t have the money over a guy that isn’t sure he wants to marry me, any day.
He wants to marry you. Things just aren’t in place yet. I’ve been there, and it sucks, but my husband wanted to marry me, and it sounds like this guy wants to marry you too. Only you can decide whether you believe what he says or not, but at face value, his reasons are absolutely legit.
Don’t drive yourself crazy, don’t stress. Enjoy knowing you found the one and the two of you are working towards a future together.
Post # 13
I think he is unhappy with his financial situation and taking on a wife would add additional worry. Aside from the burden of throwing a wedding, having a wife changes the dynamic of a man. He isn’t ready for the responsiblity until he is secure he can provide for you. Eventhough you live together and many everyday t u ings won’t change how he views himself and the pressures he will put on himself will undoubtedly change after you marry. Marriage is different. Fact. Wait as long as you can. Support him emotionally as much as you can so he can reach whichever milestone he needs to before proposing.
Post # 14
I think he’s given you some better insight into his thinking and that should help you. My FI also waited bc of financial issues but still proposed earlier than I thought, around the 4 year mark. If he’s telling you 5 years, and that means 2015 – I probably would’ve just made it a little clearer (for myself and also so he knew my expectations) that I would be expecting it then by or before dec. 31 2015. Not an ultimatum by any means, bc that’s no way to start a marriage.. I would just say something like “So from what you’re telling me, I can expect that by year’s end 2015, we’ll be engaged?”
I would be happier and relieved if I were you. I was also disappointed with how long my FI planned to wait (it was also 5 years, but he proposed early) but realized I couldn’t force him to be ready just bc I was. He told me he knew he wanted me forever, but wanted to put in the time etc and make sure we were both sure when we got engaged – (his parents had just gotten divorced and mine were having serious problems, so might’ve scared him too)
Post # 15
@LilMonkey: Hi! I can definitely sympathyze because my boyfriend (of 2 years) is just as vague. After 4 years he should definitely know if he wants to spend his life with you, especially since you have been living with him for 3 years. It sounds to me like he is buying time here and is not being specific because he doesn’t want you to nag him when its year 6 and still no ring. He may blame your finances (a convenient excuse).
Yes, you do need to get your finances in order.
If I were you I would have a date in mind (for me year 3), and walk away, otherwise he may have you on hold for the rest of your life. I am not saying break up with him but move out and get your own place, continue dating or date other people. Just be you and enjoy life. If he wants to spend his life with you then he will buck up fast and get it together and do what is right by making it official for the world. If not, you will meet someone better who is marriage centered like you.
This sounds harsh and I am sorry for that but I think you need to protect your interest here. I would try to leave the topic alone, get your finances together, go see a free financial planner at your bank (if they offer this service) and continue to be your awesome you and concentrate on things you want to do.
Xoxo, hope it all goes well!
Post # 16
Man reading was sort of like deja vu for me! I felt a lump in my throat and stomach sink for you. My SO is just as vague about a timeline, it crushed me listening to him give a timeline, then slap a maybe or possibly around it.
I agree with @canadajane. You have reviewed plenty of good advice about finances and how to settle them. So I would just add to the emotional/feelings aspect, think this over a couple weeks, maybe even a month. If after that time, you feel comfortable waiting two years for a proposal and three years or so for a wedding, than yay! You two are on the same page! If not though, I would figure out why it is more important to you to be on a different timeline and bring it up to him again.
Good luck! Ands the bee is always here. 🙂