We had the chat.. What are your thoughts on what he said?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If it is financial, as he says, you should have a financial plan in place together. It’s not rocket science: X dollars put towards your debt everyone month for X amount of time. For me, “around the 5 year mark” is a little vague, and 5 years is a little long to decide about marriage. 

But it really depends on how you feel. If you can feel happy waiting another year, wait. If you can’t feel happy with this timeline, be honest and tell him. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, you can’t force it or pretend. 

Post # 4
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, that is still so vague. You still don’t even know if you can stop waiting this year. I actually think it would have been nicer of him to rule out the proposal this year. 

I agree with canadajane that a bigger deal is your finances. He is reluctant to propose because of your debt, and because he thinks you will argue about how to save for a wedding. How you deal with finances is a huge deal, and it will be better to deal with it now. I think you should decide not only how much money you should both put toward debt payment, and calculate how many months that will take, and also how much money you can save each month for a wedding. 

He is worried that if he buys something fun for himself, you will be mad, but if you have a savings plan he is following, there may be more left over. For instance, if you each save $100 per month, you will have $4800 for a wedding in a little over 2 years. If you can save more, you can either get married faster, have a bigger wedding, or use the money for something else. The same goes for your debt repayment. Taking care of the debt is more important than saving, because debt interest is always higher than savings. HOWEVER if your debt is smallish, you could transfer the balance to a no-interest credit card and try to pay it off in one year. I did that with mine, and it really helped. You need to do the math and figure out savings plan and timeframe is realistic, or this timeline will stretch out indefinitely. Learning how to communicate about money is a critical part of a marriage, and you should practice it now if you can.

Post # 5
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sounds like you guys are on the same page about where you’re going just have slightly different interpretations of if four years is a long time. And that’s subjective – I wasn’t ready at our four year mark, so it doesn’t seem like a super long time to me. But it sounds like you guys have the same goals, and that’s what’s important.

Post # 6
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@LilMonkey:  I think his concerns are legit, and that you should work a financial plan together to get rid of debts and to save for a wedding. Together, starting now. Not because you’re getting married in 2015 (don’t pressure him), but because it’s something you both want in your life at some point ? Because you both want to get rid of debts to start your marriage, when it happens, on the right foot ? Great, now let’s take concrete actions toward those goals. It’s team effort and it will comfort him to know there’s a saving slowly building up each month, and following a budget means he can save for you and spend for himself from time to time as well. And for you, it will make the waiting less excruciating and more real, since you’ll put money aside too toward a common goal. 


Post # 9
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

:/honestly it sounds pretty non commital to me. I understand his concerns, but those concerns would still be possibly a thing even 10 years from now if you were saving for a wedding, so it sounds like a bit of an excuse. It’s good that he’s on kind of the same page, but it doesn’t sound like he has a specific timeline or plan… 

Post # 10
2878 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think he’s toying with you OP. I know my ex was ”in the moment” type of guy. Unless things were all sorted out in our life, he struggled to plan ahead for important projects. Ex.: when I used to talk to him about a downpayment on a house, he would say it was not a priority as long as I was a student, etc. Some people genuinely need to feel they’re at a good place financially before making big plans. My FI is somehow the same, he’s more down to earth and he’s the one making my ”waiting” (for a house) more tolerable, because he explains to me why it’s better to wait another 2-3 years while I felt SO READY, and over time I realized he was right. He preferred to focus on what was bothering him right now (wanting to have a better job and more money = needing a degree = going back to college for 3 years). It postponed all our projects, but it’s a decision he made for our well-being in the long run. I, on the other hand, would have liked to have a house this year, and I now realize we better wait and have more options, plus we’ll have a better life quality once we cleared our debts, etc. 3 years is perfect to save and be debt-free. 

There’s definitely a way to compromise between his financial insecurities and your feelings, and to decide on a rough timeline together like you suggested.  

Post # 11
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@LilMonkey:  My thoughts are… that he’s already decided on you forever. Don’t “expect” anything at a designated time otherwise you will just be disappointed if that time comes and goes. You are a sure thing; you both know that. Enjoy your life together and let it happen when it happens. 🙂

I’ve read too many threads where a girl has pushed a proposal and then regrets it when it finally happens because she’ll never know whether it happened because he wanted it to or just because she said something about it.

So many women have no idea of the immense pressure a guy feels about proposing – not about “Oh my god is this the right woman”, but rather “Oh my god, I’m going to ask the love of my life to marry me, will she say yes? What if I say the wrong words…?!!” So if he’s taking his time, he could just be nervous and mustering up the courage/plan something nice.

Post # 12
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it’s really unfair that some PP are saying basically saying his reasons are crap. IMO not having the money is one of the only acceptable reasons to wait. I’d rather a guy who wants to marry me but is waiting because he doesn’t have the money over a guy that isn’t sure he wants to marry me, any day.

He wants to marry you. Things just aren’t in place yet. I’ve been there, and it sucks, but my husband wanted to marry me, and it sounds like this guy wants to marry you too. Only you can decide whether you believe what he says or not, but at face value, his reasons are absolutely legit.

Don’t drive yourself crazy, don’t stress. Enjoy knowing you found the one and the two of you are working towards a future together.

Post # 13
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think he is unhappy with his financial situation and taking on a wife would add additional worry. Aside from the burden of throwing a wedding, having a wife changes the dynamic of a man. He isn’t ready for the responsiblity until he is secure he can provide for you. Eventhough you live together and many everyday t u ings won’t change how he views himself and the pressures he will put on himself will undoubtedly change after you marry. Marriage is different. Fact. Wait as long as you can. Support him emotionally as much as you can so he can reach whichever milestone he needs to before proposing.

Post # 14
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think he’s given you some better insight into his thinking and that should help you.  My FI also waited bc of financial issues but still proposed earlier than I thought, around the 4 year mark.  If he’s telling you 5 years, and that means 2015 – I probably would’ve just made it a little clearer (for myself and also so he knew my expectations) that I would be expecting it then by or before dec. 31 2015.  Not an ultimatum by any means, bc that’s no way to start a marriage.. I would just say something like “So from what you’re telling me, I can expect that by year’s end 2015, we’ll be engaged?”

I would be happier and relieved if I were you.  I was also disappointed with how long my FI planned to wait (it was also 5 years, but he proposed early) but realized I couldn’t force him to be ready just bc I was.  He told me he knew he wanted me forever, but wanted to put in the time etc and make sure we were both sure when we got engaged – (his parents had just gotten divorced and mine were having serious problems, so might’ve scared him too)

Good luck!

Post # 15
2 posts

@LilMonkey:  Hi! I can definitely sympathyze because my boyfriend (of 2 years) is just as vague. After 4 years he should definitely know if he wants to spend his life with you, especially since you have been living with him for 3 years. It sounds to me like he is buying time here and is not being specific because he doesn’t want you to nag him when its year 6 and still no ring. He may blame your finances (a convenient excuse).

Yes, you do need to get your finances in order. 

If I were you I would have a date in mind (for me year 3), and walk away, otherwise he may have you on hold for the rest of your life. I am not saying break up with him but move out and get your own place, continue dating or date other people. Just be you and enjoy life. If he wants to spend his life with you then he will buck up fast and get it together and do what is right by making it official for the world. If not, you will meet someone better who is marriage centered like you. 

This sounds harsh and I am sorry for that but I think you need to protect your interest here. I would try to leave the topic alone, get your finances together, go see a free financial planner at your bank (if they offer this service) and continue to be your awesome you and concentrate on things you want to do.

Xoxo, hope it all goes well! 

Post # 16
592 posts
Busy bee

Man reading was sort of like deja vu for me! I felt a lump in my throat and stomach sink for you. My SO is just as vague about a timeline, it crushed me listening to him give a timeline, then slap a maybe or possibly around it.

I agree with @canadajane. You have reviewed plenty of good advice about finances and how to settle them. So I would just add to the emotional/feelings aspect, think this over a couple weeks, maybe even a month. If after that time, you feel comfortable waiting two years for a proposal and three years or so for a wedding, than yay! You two are on the same page! If not though, I would figure out why it is more important to you to be on a different timeline and bring it up to him again. 

Good luck! Ands the bee is always here. 🙂

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