Post # 1
I write this with a heavy heart…sorry it’s so long.
My marriage ended on Sunday because my in-laws won and ruined my marriage. Even our therapist agreed and said that my husband needs to step up but he hasnt . we have been going through therapy and of course trying to figure each other out but I want a family. My husband says that he doesn’t want this marriage anymore, doesn’t love me or is attracted to me. I am devastated and so upset. We have a four month old son!!!!. I am trying to be happy and keep it together in front of hubbie and son before I pack up leave and come to UK.
I don’t know what to do. We have been unhappy for a while because we have the same fights about in laws and when I stopped, hubbie still wants to give up even though we only had 4 seesion s of therapy. The therapist was shocked because a week ago he said he loves me and wants us to wôrk?. Then he saw his grandma and mother father and aunt at work and they basically said they have written me off and only blood matters. By the way I have done nothing wrong!! Everyone knows that. My in-laws made wedding hell and they also turned up lying to my husband on the day I gave birth to my family. The even walked in the labor room as they thought they have a right to be there and then endeup SLAmming the door during my contraction because they were asked to leave kindly. My husband can’t bear that we have finally set boundaries against them to build a Health y relationship. And now they were all crying about our son and that they want me dead. hubbie said they can’t see our son but it has affected him so much, he basically said were over.
What did you do?? I am so upset and wish I could fix things but I can’t. I also have no idea how to pack things.
I begged him yesterday to stay but since last night and today I didn’t except o have said the door is open if you want us to get back together as I would like a family. He is blaming for most of out like the argueing and moving to Florida as he desperately didn’t want too. I argued because he emotionally and mentally neglected me for a long time and I argued a lot because of his family. i feel so much blame and he says he might be making the biggest mistake of his life but he says we don’t work and doesn’t see us working! Plus he is now unattracted to me!, it takes two to make a relationship and being with someone who has depression and also never made the most of where we were. He would never ever be happy with anything. I suggest let’s go for a walk and he hated it or for a picnic he hated it considering this man used to be the most romantic man who did everything for me. He had major problems however with people. If he didn’t like one thing about you, you were pretty much ignored or just written off,I Finally made that list. Its so hard because oi feel like why didn’t I see the signs before. Why didn’t I see jthat his parents would never not interfere with theor sons mind. I know your right, why be with someone who doesn’t want you. I asked for a divorce months ago because I was so upset with him and his family but iapologised and he seemed forgive me but now he jsays this is real for him. hubnie never asked for me to take him back. He just always brushed every issue we had under the carpet and now because everything is being solved or trying to get solved, he now wants p bother. He says he’s tried but our therapist said that 4 sessions really doesn’t do Anything much but get you on the road and it takes time especially with our history. What I don’t get is that I have a four month old and he is just willing to give it all up and not even consider. My dad said regardless if you argued or had ups and downs and hubbie hated it, it should never influence a Man to leave Especially with a new baby.
Husban came home last night and I said I need help if I leave wth money for our son as your asking me to leave our home that we built! He lashed out and said he could only afford this much and that I’m crazy and now he knows we don’t work! Then he said his parents have been praying I go back to UK and never return!!! They all want me gone! I don’t know what to do! I’m so so upset!
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
this situation is so sad with a new boend involved. But it sound like you’ve tried and he hasn’t. He doesn’t seem to want to try for your newborn. You deserve better and your newborn certainly deserves better.
Sending big hugs your way
Post # 4
@Crlove: He’s not much of a man, Sweetie. It sounds like he comes from a very sick family. I can only imagine how hard this is for you but if there’s any chance, I think it will rest in your leaving and giving him time and space to miss you and your son.
That said, you ought to give some thought if you really want to stay with him as he is, and consider the actual life that you will have together. Deep down, do you respect him? Trust him? Feel like you can depend on him? Can your son?
Im no therapist but I know for me in my first marriage, I didn’t want to let go and kept thinking if only a few things were different, we could be perfect. But they werent different and they were never going to be different And those few things were actually pretty major and more than enough to ruin our marriage.
Keep seeing a therapist to help you navigate this and get yourself an attorney and a child support order.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your husband’s family is toxic, and it’s a shame that he is taking their guidance over yours. But, like you say, it takes two to make a relationship work. If he has no interest in salvaging your marriage, there is not much else that can be done here. Right now, you need to focus on what is best for you and your son. Do you really want to raise your son in an environment like this? Agree with PP that you should continue with therapy on your own and consult with a lawyer to see what your options are if you do end the marriage.
Post # 6
Have that coward piece of shit sign over his parental rights, file for divorce and never speakto him again. Your son doesn’t deserve an cowardly asshole for a dad. You deserve much better also. Much luck and love.
Post # 7
@Crlove: Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
Reading your post, it sounds like your relationship hasn’t been healthy for a long time (ever?). It sounds like you have been giving 150% and your husband has only been passively involved with you and your son. Seriously, he can’t handle going on a picnic or for a walk?!? Sure, maybe he didn’t want to move to Florida, but a mature adult should be able to compromise when needed, rather than be all passive aggressive about it.
I know that right now it probably feels like your life is over, but if you leave this man, I think you will never ever regret it. You have put up with this toxic guy and his toxic family for too long when you (and your son) deserve so much better! Life is too short to be involved with jerks like these!
Post # 8
@Crlove: I’m so sorry this has happened to you. What a jerk! He is not a man!
Get an attorney before you go abroad and make sure you know your rights!
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Who needs him or his family?
BUH-BYE. And yes, get him to sign his parental rights over.
Post # 10
Get on a plane and go back to the UK! Get as much distance between you two as humanly possible.
You had a dream of a family and you have one.
Take your newborn and raise him in a loving environment that is free from the toxins this ‘man’ and his family ooze outwards. I put ‘man’ in quotes because he is one only by age as a definition…not by action, emotion or mentality does he qualify.
I’m sorry this hurts so much right now…but it will only kill you more day by day to hope that you can fix this.
Post # 11
Thank you all so much for your comments. I needed to hear this I guess. Thank you for the conversation the other day : )…I am just now a little more confused as says now, while he was in therapy he was being nice and didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but he feels that our relationship was making him miserable and I was an aspect of it. He says he is not depressed because at work he finds happiness in some aspects and interacting with his parents brings happiness but there are no aspects about me that bring him happiness. He says I am an amazing and wonderful person but my culture, opinions, the way I think (especially because my mind is in the clouds apparently) which is true in some ways and the fundamentals that come with me frustrate him. He says our upbringing are so different ad he just can’t accept my way of thinking as it’s so different from his ad he doesn’t want to be with me because of it and also the other issues we had I mentioned to you before. I said I have accepted you and your fundamentals and your way of thinking. I also said, if I have to work on accepting other things that are different, then I will and I want too. I found it hard before but marriage is all about gettig to know our differences and working with it. He says marriage is not about accepting that and he finds it to unbearable to work with and accept my difference and he has lost attraction because of it. He doesn’t like my way thinking. He then said he regrets we had a son because he should have addressed this before or we should have been separated before we had a child as he was feeling this way and also miserable, even though he loved me.
I’m now very very confused because I don’t get it!! He seems so complex and non accepting and just feels that this relationship is immature. I can’t believe he has a happier relationship with his parents who lie and manipulate than have one with me. He used to run away from his family and say he found them annoying and enjoy himself with me and now we swapped. He also said because I picked all the furniture, he is upset with that too. I said I did things romantically with you, I tried to encourage you to do things with me and support him and he said that doesn’t help him. I asked him what would? And he said he doesn’t know. Ugh I’m so so sad that my marriage feels like it was a sham!! Last thing is, he says my optimism is too dreamy and not grounded which also frusyrates him. All of this has landed up in leaving me. I feel like these are workable and salvageable. Is he making excuses because he is immature and irresponsible. I don’t know : ( xoxox
Sent from my iPhone
Post # 12
Ok… Brace yourself.
This man sounds like a narcissistic, passive aggressive man-child. Honestly, this isn’t about you. There is something going on with this guy and rather then check his balls and tell you what’s really going on he’d rather place the faux blame all on you! And you’re letting him do it.
Now I hate to say this but I’m going to because I watched my father nearly ruin my mom with this same tactic. Is it possible that he’s got another fish on the line? I don’t mean that he’s already cheating…but is there a girl he’s liking the idea of exploring? Maybe it’s not another gal, but honey, he’s pushing you away for some reason and whatever that reason is, he’s made up his mind that the relationship is over. My mom spent years trying to fix every reason my dad tried to give her about wanting to leave. It made her miserable because in trying to be ‘his dream woman’ she lost herself. And at the end… she lost him anyway…to the gal he’d been banging for years.
Marriage is all about compromise. It’s about learning about, and loving your partners individual personality quirks. It’s about learning to live with those little things that irk you while loving the person who does them. Look…he’s already decided to walk out that door. The sooner you let him, the sooner you can concentrate on building a healthy family with your son, and possibly a REAL man sometime in the future. One who will love your optimism and all of your individual personality quirks.
Post # 13
@musicalrose: +1 This is exactly what I was thinking as I read through this post…
Post # 14
Dont waste anymore of your time on him, all he’s doing is wasting yours.
Post # 15
@Crlove: there is something wrong with HIM that he wants you to go back overseas with your son! I have a 6 week old and I can’t imagine DH ever willingly leave his life. You are not the problem. He and his family are. I’m so sorry. I want to say good riddance but I m ow at my the simple. Try to just focus on what you and your baby right now.
Post # 16
@Crlove: I am so sorry you are going through this but I’m with other PP, take your beautiful son to the UK and never look back. You both deserve so much more then what that man has been doing to you. Big hugs to you both!