Post # 1
Hi everyone. In in an odd situation right now and I’m not sure how to address it with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 3 years and have know each other for a decade because we were also high school sweethearts.
He is 27 and lives at home with his parents. Has a full-time job.
I’m 24 and rent a room near my university where I’m finishing up this May. I’m taking a lot of heavy, law school type courses right now and through May. They require me to study at times when most students are done studying. I should be working on some stuff right now. I don’t have the time to apartment hunt. He only works 40 hours a week so we agreed that he would find places through craigslist and I would check them out once he knew they were doable. We have also been talking about moving in together since May or June. It is now November. We made a solid plan to find a place with a January 1, 2014 move in date in September 2013. I have to give my landlady notice by December 1st and that is coming up soon. I’m getting tired of waiting. I don’t want to be to forceful about this as I know some men are scared of commitment but I don’t want to be strung along either. If he doesn’t want to move in with me, thats fine….just let me know.
10 days ago he told me “It looks like the only apartments available are in XYZ neighborhood and I don’t want to live there. I feel like I have already done all there is to do there”. He knows that I prefer XYZ neighborhood to all the others because of its proximity to my university and its one of only 3 neighborhoods most people our age can afford in Boston. Instead he wants to live in ABC which is more expensive, further from my school (not that close to his job either), and I think its where some of his friends live. I don’t want to live there at this point in my life.
How should I approach this without thinking I’m trying to trap him? Or is it already too late for us? I guess I figured if he was truly serious about me he would have put more effort in. I’m going to see him today and I want an answer. I can’t afford to mourn our relationship now because it will really get in the way of my studies but I just want to tell him to tell me whats going on in that mind of his.
What is his deal? Is he never going to make any real commitment to me? Thanks.
Post # 3
Before you and he move in together a discussion about where the relationship is headed needs to be had. Moving in with someone with little to no idea of what the goals of the relationship are is not a good idea.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like the two of you are on different pages. Based on how long he’s taking to make any real decisions about apartments, I don’t think he’ll be on the same page as you when it comes to making bigger commitments.
To be quite honest, moving in may not be a good idea right now. He may not be stringing you along on purpose, but because of where his head is at and how he’s prioritizing things you may end up in an unfulfilling and stressful situation.
At the very least, you might want to postpone moving in with him until you are done with school.
Post # 4
yeah If i were you i’d stay in the place you are now until you finish school first.. then have another discussion around the top of the year and maybe find a place with a Aug 1 move in date, if he blows that off too, ask him straight up to tell you whats up, dont beat around the bush any longer.
he does sound rather misleading, but im not too sure if its intentional or not.
Post # 5
@chewy88: Oh! I’m a Boston Bee, too!
And I agree. Some times you have to live in Shit City when that’s all you can afford! (And affording ANYTHING in/near Boston is near impossible)
I would find out if it’s an issue of him not wanting to live by your school, or if it’s an issue of him not wanting to move out of his family’s house!
Post # 6
There’s a big difference between the college crowd neighborhoods and maybe where is friends are being “young professionals”
It doesn’t sound like he’s 100% committed to moving in together but you will both need to compromise.
Post # 7
@chewy88: Perhaps if you postponed moving in together until after May, being further away from your school would be ok? In general it sounds as if you two are not on the same page as far as where to live and why, and not able to cpmpromise – I’d suggest discussing the idea more with your BF – he doesn’t seem all that eager to find a place. You guys need to discuss priorities. Best of luck with your studies!! 🙂
Post # 8
@chewy88: What is a 27 year old man with a fulltime job doing still living with his parents in the first place? Is this a cultural thing? That would be an immediatel red flag for me.
Post # 9
@chewy88: Hmmm…it does seem like he’s dragging his feet until you have to sign a new lease and then he can say “Oh well, looks like we have to wait another year. Drat!” I personally do not understand this. I do not think it takes a guy 3 or 4 years to decide if this is the woman for him.
I told my FI once he ended up spending almost every night at my apartment for 5 months “What are you waiting for? All you do at your apartment is shower and change your clothes.” He said “Yeah, you’re right.” Then proceeded to sign another lease at his apartment. A couple months later I told him I didn’t see this relationship moving forward, we we’re just treading water. We had such a limited amount of time together and he wasted an hour every night going to shower and change his clothes at his apt. after work and then another hour every morning going home to get ready for work and what was the point? So he sub-let his apartment and moved in. And then he saw that nothing really changed, he just got to see me a little more.
He was just a little shy of the…I want to say commitment, but I don’t really mean commitment as he wasn’t attempting to date anyone else and we were committed to each other…I guess what I want to say is that it was a big deal to him to move in and he was a little shy of that. So he needed a little nudge to make up his mind. But I really was starting to feel like I was just some girlfriend and this was not anything serious when he renewed his lease instead of moving in. If he had waited a whole year longer to move in I might not have been around to see it. I just know too many women who sat arounding waiting for some guy to make up his mind and in the end he either walked away or refused to ever make up his mind. I don’t have years of my life to waste like that.
Post # 10
@chewy88: I don’t think it has anything to do with commitment. I think it’s a lack of communication and coordination between the two of you.
Post # 11
Have the talk of where you guys want to be and when before moving in. I am biased since I am an ardent engaged before moving in kind of girl, but and I think even people who aren’t in that camp would think it was smart to atleast get a straightforward sense of the guy’s intentions. As for the stringing along bit – I don’t see a huge red flag in his behavior, it just sounds like you two need to talk about it all.
Post # 12
@ju5tdance: +1. If he is still with his parents at 27 and works full-time, there is some sort of strange comfort issue there.
FI is 30, and owned a home by by your SOs age. I was on my own at 18, and am now your SOa age. I can’t imagine still living with my parents, unless they were ill. Both of us put ourselves through college and have 40+ hr/wk careers. I’m not saying everyone has our circumstances, by any means. I am just agreeing with a PP that this would be a huge red flag at 27 (when one should be a grown man). Do you think he’s hesitant to take on bills that he never had before? Going from paying $0 for your entire life to now paying rent, utilities, cable, groceries, etc. can be pretty daunting.
The one thing that stuck out to me is that he found apts, but that they aren’t good enough for him (for whatever reason), and that he has now given up. Clearly, he has no desire to continue looking. I’m almost positive there *are* other places to rent… Whether via an apt complex, or a private landlord. I might also suggest not looking only on Craigslist.
And, lastly, if you really want to see how serious he is about moving… You may need to find the time to hunt on your own and get a list drawn up for him. Maybe he is simply to lazy to do it in his own. “Here are the specs on the six places I found… Which one would you prefer?”. At that point, he will either have to agree or tell you the truth about how he feels about this moving stuff.
Post # 13
@smv22114: +1 why would a fully employed 27year old live at home with his parents? He’s obviously not interested in being an adult right now, or he isn’t making any money and therefore can’t afford an apartment – either way, it isn’t surprising that he’s dragging his heels on living with you.
Also, if XYZ is Allston, it’s gross and I don’t blame him for not wanting to live there.
Post # 14
I’m with many of the others: he just shrugged his shoulders and gave up? That suggests a lack of interest to me. Did he suggest moving in together, or did you, OP? You’ve already been dating this guy for 3 years, and both of you are old enough to commit to living together.
My suggestion would be to wait until you graduate before moving in – as difficult as that may sound. But that’s if you get the serious impression that in another 6 months or a year, he will actually move in with you. By then, you’ll have 4 years of your life invested with him.
But then, as all the others say, a very frank discussion of your future is necessary. Discuss bills and housework. How you’ll manage family. Essentially, living together is a lot like being married – without the formal recognition. That means having ironclad expectations in all of those arenas.
I told my husband in no uncertain terms when we moved in together that within a year, we would either be engaged or dating different people. We’d been together for 2 1/2 years at that point, and I wasn’t going to enter our 4th year together without being engaged.
I’m with many of the others – by 3 years, he should know. In retrospect, I wish I had moved on all of that sooner, rather than letting my husband call all of the shots. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s in a stable financial place – so what’s the hold up? Likes the security of being cared for? He has to leap eventually.