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Hi, I have a concern that I know is common for a lot of couples getting married in a Catholic church.
My fiance and I have been living together 3 years. Our wedding is set for August 2010, it is in a church connected to my university which is not officially a parish. All couples have to get their own priest and of course do all those workshops, and get permission from their local parish.
Our priest was recommended to us. From what I understand he's a "liberal" democrat guy, and we've met him and like him a lot but regardless I am scared to tell him we live together. I've heard things about the Catholic church frowning on that. I know there is a rule about the church not refusing marriage on the basis of that and that they still have to marry us.
But really what I'm afraid of is something like what I heard, about being forced to postpone the wedding or something like that. He and I are very happy, and we also refuse to "separate" like the Catholic church supposedly encourages. I really don't want to have to deal with anything like that.
Our plan has just been to not say anything about it. Our plan is for my FH to use his old address (in the same borough as the one we currently live in) and I use the one we live at. Even our parents, who are church-going Catholics agree that is fine to do.
Now I have no problem with not mentioning to the priest that we're living together, I've got no problem with lying about it in order to protect us. However, I'm worried about possible inconsistencies, for example do we have to fill out a lot of paperwork at these workshops, etc? Who knows, we could make a mistake or somehow let it slip.
Sure, I know it's not the most ethical thing in the world or even the smartest but has anyone been able to not mention living together or lie about it and getting away with it?
Thanks and hope this wasn't offensive....
Why would you lie to your priest? That's no different from lying to God or anyone else. What is wrong with being honest? They don't have legal authority to stop you from getting married or even living together. Your marriage is not something that you want to start off by being fraudulent in any way with anyone.
Thanks for getting back to me, I can't believe how fast you can get responses on this site.
I don't typically feel right about lying, especially since we like this priest so much. I guess I am inclined to because I don't want anything going wrong.
For example, I had asked him if we could have two family friends who are episcopalian (protestant) priests up there on the altar with him, not being the officiants but just helping out on the altar. He left me a message saying that would be pushing it, that the catholic church would not allow it or it's frowned upon or something like that. Now the church we're getting at is not part of a parish, there is no one who would even know if we used protestant priests to stand there on the altar so he was strict on that. I don't really care about that issue, but I'm afraid he'll tell us something else like that -- for example, that he doesn't feel comfortable doing a full mass or even just doing the ceremony since the church frowns on it, or that he would like it if we would separate before the mass, etc.
That's my dilemma.
Is there another Catholic church in your area that you can check out? All priests are different so just because this particular one is very rigid doesn't mean that everyone is.
well, the church isn't a problem as it's not officially a parish (but it does catholic weddings). it's up to the priest. i guess if he won't do it we could find another one. i suppose what we could do is either not mention it unless he asks or i could call him and tell him and see what he says (he's good like that, he's fine with me calling anytime) and that i should do it asap just in case we have to find a new priest?
My Gf just got married in a Catholic church and the priest knew that they lived together and it was no problem. I am also having a Catholic wedding and I am sure it wont be an issue. We have lived together for 9 years.
ok, thanks! good to know, i'm glad that it's quite possible then he'd be okay to it?
besides, who wants to lie to a priest anyway? don't wanna go to hell. lol
I'm Orthodox not Catholic, and we are not technically living together but we are 'living in sin.' I'm not sure if this will come up with my priest before the wedding, but if it does, I will be entirely truthful with him. In my personal opinion, sex before marriage is definately not a sin...but lying about it is. I have an ethical rule - if I have to lie about something, I shouldn't be doing it.
Yeah, I definitely would not lie. FI and I are Catholic and are getting married in our home parish. While going through our marriage classes, we went over a chapter in our book for couples who are living together. It hasn't been a problem for us, although, we were worried at first as well. Just be honest :)
Seems like the likelihood of him refusing to marry you is WAY higher if he finds out you lied to him (which come on--- its going to happen) than if he finds out you live together.
We didn't lie. He didn't ask us directly if we live together, but we gave the same address and he didn't say anything. Our priest is also the priest at a college and I think he's a bit more liberal than most.
However, my friend went to her priest, told the truth and he told her to give him her parents' address for the paperwork!
I wouldn't lie though. If he has serious issue with it, he'll probably just have you give your parents' address or something.
My fiance and I are both Catholic, and we live together. I wouldn't lie about it to the priest. If he gives you problems about it just find another priest. My friend was pregnant when she got married and she hid it from the priest when they had meetings, but she was def. showing on the wedding day and the priest looked confused...lol
I always hear stories like, they refuse to give communion to divorced people, refuse to bury a baby that wasn't baptized, etc. but i've never known anyone it happened to... In fact I just went to a Catholic funeral for a man who was a buddhist, but all his 9 children were Catholics and he supported the Catholic church for decades so they gave him a Catholic burial although he was never baptized...
Although there are some really strict old fashioned priests, there are also some really liberal up to date ones too....
If I were you I wouldn't lie or use different addresses on the forms, but I wouldn't volunteer the information either.
My friend is getting married in the Catholic church and they have lived together for 3 years. Part of their pre-cana discussed their cohabitation but they weren't judged for it and it didn't cause them any problems.
I think lying may cause problems.
The FOCUS test you'll have to take actually has a section for cohabiting couples, so the church is aware that while they don't condone, a large number are.
That's all I really have to say. This has kinda rubbed me the wrong way... When the priest say's mass and performs Sacraments (like Marriage) it's not a "man" doing so. We as Catholics believe that the Priest is acting "in persona Christi" which means "the person of Christ. We believe it is the Holy Spirit (part of Christ) who is descending down and acting through the "man" of the priest, but that it's not the priest, it's CHRIST performing the sacrament. Not the best person to lie to... he kinda already knows...
I would chime in to say that my husband and I also lived together before marriage and never had a problem with our priest. I've also never met a person or heard a story directly from a person who was refused marriage in the Catholic church because they lived together; I feel like that story is a bit of an urban myth. It sounds like you're not going to lie, so that's a good thing. Just be honest with your priest and I think everything will likely be fine. :)
As far as your example about your Episcopalian priest friends standing up on the altar... I guess I'm not really understanding why the priests would be standing up there in the first place? If you wanted them to assist the priest during service (like altar boys?) I think it's pretty reasonable he denied your request. But you can still have them involved in your service in other ways. Many churches allow non-Catholic Christians to be readers, or to pariticipate in some other way (leading music, reading prayers, etc...). Good luck!
It all depends upon the Priest. My FI and I were living together for two years, but then while attending mass one day at my home church, an adult friend of my parents who is widowed with two children was denied communion. She is currently living with her fiance, whom she had been dating for 3 years and who also attended mass with her and her family. They weren't even planning their wedding yet and already they aren't allowed to take communion anymore. Talk about a traditional Priest! Needless to say, my FI moved out for the 6 months leading up to our wedding. It's kind of extreme, but I would rather do that then not be allowed to get married in my home church!
You will be asked your addresses. We were asked more than once for multiple forms. I think the key to remember is that he is a Pastor not a vender. It is his job to spiritually prepare you for marriage and thus to prepare you for fulfilling your vocation in life and for Heaven. Pray and trust that you will be guided in whatever way God wants you to be guided and for the courage and humility to accept that guidence. Don't be hostile to his guidence, don't be suspecious of his guidence. Go into this with an open mind and honesty. If you do, you may get more out of the Catholic Church than a fancy ceremony.
Please don't lie. I think it is ok for you to live together and get married in the church. Not only do I think it's ok, I think alot of churches and priests know that it is common and are prepared to handle it. It's not like you'll be the first couple he meets that are already living together. We told our priest and parish secretary that we live together, and there were no negative comments made. In fact, they used that to guide our preparation.
Thanks everyone! So I will not lie..
I do have one more question: We want to have the whole mass (not just the wedding ceremony). Anyone know if they would do THAT if we're living together?
I would think that as long as you both are practicing Catholics that they would WANT you to have the full mass. Again this is something that you will need to discuss with your priest. But the impression I have gotten is that unless there is a major reason not to (like your FI is not Catholic) then they prefer having the sacrament performed during a mass.
I think both of you need to be confirmed to do the Mass. I am not confirmed, so our parish wouldn't "let" us have that.
We definitely got a longer speech from our church lady because we live together, but it wasn't that bad- and I feel better having told the truth (corny but true). I had A LOT of aphrensions but if my church couldn't deal with us living together maybe it wasn't the church for me. I suggest just bearing it all. It's easier and way less stressful than lying or just not saying anything.
Your priest will probably make you go/ strongly suggest that you go to confession before you get married and take Communion.
The church can't refuse to marry you on the grounds that you live together. I suppose they can refuse to give you Communion if they know you are "living in sin" which is why the preist will probably want you to go to confession.
Me and my fiance live togather and are getting married in a Catholic church. We were honest about it and the priest was kinda like eh thats not ideal but 50% of couples who get married in a catholic church today live togather, gave a paphlet about it and moved on. They cant refuse to marry you and you might feel better being honest instead of always looking over your shoulder. Also a tidbit our priest is NOT a young liberal democrat type!
Oh sorry just saw that last comment about the mass. We are having a full Mass living togather and all!!
I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't necessarily bring it out in the open unless the Priest directly asks. Our church knew we were living together (I figured they knew at least since we both had the same address) and they didn't say anything about it. If I were you I would have just had both of you use the same address and then see if the Priest or church brought it up. Most likely they won't, unless you are at one of the really conservative Catholic churches (but it doesn't sound like your Priest is like that). Right now you sort of are lying to the church since you are using separate addresses. I don't really think it is good to be lying to a church you are getting married in. I would write down your actual shared address from now on. The leaders at those retreats and most Priests understand now that most couples live together. At the retreat we went to they understood that over 2/3 of the Catholic couples there have already had pre-marital sex. They just deal with it. And from the sound of it, your liberal Priest would probably be fine with it too if he knew about it. Just don't lie about your address from now on. And if he brings it up don't lie then either. It's better for them to find out sooner than later; if there is a problem you could find a more accepting Priest sooner.
We are in the same position. Our priest just asked us if we could live together as "brother and sister" until the wedding. I thought it was hilarious. I was worried too, but I think the priest is more concerned with keeping parishioners than your sex life.
Most everyone has chimed in on the "lying/not lying" part of your question - I agree with not lying...
As for full mass & living together: FI & I have lived together for 10 years, my parish pastor knows about it, & we're having a communion mass. It's TOTALLY encouraged to have a communion mass, especially if both parties are Catholic and/or at least one party is an actively participating Catholic, so that shouldn't be a problem.
Finally, I thought I'd take the liberty of clearing up an unasked question - I think a common misunderstanding/myth about the Church is that they think cohabitation is a SIN...it's not. The Church simply does not encourage/condone it because it's a GREAT TEMPTATION to an actual sin: the sin of pre-marital sex. If you & your FI are living together, but have not yet engaged in or, post-confession, are refraining from pre-marital sex, then cohabitation is FINE, ACCEPTABLE. It's just that the Church recognizes that the vast majority of cohabitating couples are engaging in pre-marital sex, which IS a sin. So if you're NOT living together, but you are having pre-marital sex, then, in the eyes of the Catholic Church (and therefore all who profess to follow the Catholic Church), you're sinning & the priest will ask you (really belief in the Catholic faith requires you) to go to confession before your wedding (which, technically, could be as late as the day before), confess (& ACTUALLY feel sorry & promise not to engage in that particular sin again), & then you'll be allowed to take communion at your nuptial mass. Hope that helps!
(Side Notes: FI is not Catholic; I am a regularly practicing Catholic; we have come across NONE of the problems you mentioned above. By choice, although we live together, we've refrained from pre-marital sex since my last confession; an act that none of the priests in my parish have asked about or require. FI has been a real trooper about this because it's important to me & my faith.)
I wouldn't lie either. We have been living together & have a 3 year old daughter and our preist is more than happy to marry us into the catholic church. My FH also is not catholic or baptized and this is not an issue @ all. We also had just joing the church after moving from VA so we didn't know him @ all when we asked. Good luck to you!
My fiance and I are getting married in our local Catholic church and, not to worry you because all Priests are different but, I REALLY wish now my fiance had listened to me when we filled out our initial paperwork with the church. We had lived together almost 3 years when we filled out the paperwork. I told him to put my parents address down for me and instead he used our address. Now, we've had our initial meeting with the Priest and discussed dates. He hasn't denied to let us marry when we want, but he basically told us it was his way or no way.
So my situation is that now, he's basically porcing us to marry in April, as soon as I'm baptized. Then have the traditional wedding come October like planned. I know it sounds wrong to say your lying to a Priest but, if your that concerned by it, just do it the way you planned. Otherwise, if you think he wont be opposed and you feel weird lying or not admtting everything, tell him your situation and see where he stands.
Congrats and good luck!
And about the paperwork, well...the only thing we've had to fill out so far was just a 3-page worksheet. The first page asked typical personal info:
Name, birthdate, age, church attended, religion, parents names, parents religion, when/where you were baptized for both bride and groom. Second page asked questions for things that could be grounds for annulment: are you being forced to marry, can you legally be married in the eyes of the church (ie; not a priest, nun, etc), can you have children/are you willing to have children, and then the last page asked more boring typical questions. Then there was a lot of stuff that the Priest had to fill in to send off to the Diocese for approval. I may be forgetting a few things because we didn't get copies of it but, that was basically how it worked. And that's all the Priest has had us do so far atleast!
My fiance and i live together and were getting married Catholic, Im catholic Hes not. I refused to lie to the preist like everyone told me to do, and its not what the church wants but he didnt refuse us. And i very glad i didnt lie, i couldnt live with lying to a preist.
We're getting married in a Catholic Church and our priest and pre-marital councilor there both know we live together and have basically since we met. Everyone is cool with it and not a single person has mentioned our seperating or moving out before the wedding (which would be crazy in my book!).
I'm nervous about this too! I was thinking of it all throughout Mass today. my sister and BIL got married 4 years ago, he wasn't Catholic AND they had a baby. No problem.
But we are doing our Pre Cana in California where we live and having the paper work transferred over. I just haven't inquired yet... ahhh
ok, thanks everyone!!! we'll tell the truth...:) sounds like for the most part this is not going to be a problem.
@ BridePower
- Please do not take any offense to this, as there is absolutely no intention for me to do so. However, I feel that it is only right for me to answer this question honestly so that you know the truth/answers.
"He and I are very happy, and we also refuse to "separate" like the Catholic church supposedly encourages. I really don't want to have to deal with anything like that."
- What this boils down to is what GOD would want you two to do. Your statement of refusing to separate means that you place your will and wants above what GOD wants for you. Again, this is your choice, but the right thing to do is for someone to move out until the wedding, to which you can move in after the Sacrament has been received.
"Our plan has just been to not say anything about it. Our plan is for my FH to use his old address (in the same borough as the one we currently live in) and I use the one we live at. Even our parents, who are church-going Catholics agree that is fine to do."
- So the plan is to try to deceive GOD and the Church? This is definitely not a good way to start of a relationship, with the Church or with your FH. If you guys are willing to attempt to deceive GOD and HIS church, what is to say that you are not willing to decieve one another in the future?
"Now I have no problem with not mentioning to the priest that we're living together, I've got no problem with lying about it in order to protect us."
- What are you protecting yourself from? The Church does not intend to cause harm to anyone, but rather protect what you will have in the future --- Your blessed wedding. The protection you are talking about, sounds like protecting yourselves from doing what is right. If the current situation is so right, then there should be no need to lie about it, correct?
"Sure, I know it's not the most ethical thing in the world or even the smartest but has anyone been able to not mention living together or lie about it and getting away with it?"
- You may "get away with it", but if you truly believe in GOD, HIS Blessings, and Promises... then you would also understand that you will not be "getting away with it", as HE will know. In the end, we will all be accountable for everything we've done. Just think about it.
I pray that you end up doing what is right, and morally ethical. In the end it's your choice, but I would look towards the Church for the guidance in doing the correct thing. I too, hope that these responses do not come too tough for you, but somebody should tell be honest with you.
GOD BLESS...
We're getting married in the Catholic church and we live together. I agree with the other girls, that being honest is your best option.
Ha - my mom was the one who told us to lie to the priest! Or in her words, "I'm not telling you to lie...just don't mention i". Ok mom, I'm sure that would have gone over great when I was a teenager!
We live together and the priest didn't bat an eye during our meeting. It was not a big deal during the pre-cana or the meetings. Though I wouldn't have cared if they did deny us a mass, we're not believers to begin with and we're only getting married in a hucrch as a concession to my mother.
ok, great, glad to hear all this. you're all probably right, so many couples are living together nowadays they're probably used to it.
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