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Good for you! I think its great that you are both in agreement and have already talked about your plans and are not letting others influence you. Im sure once you explain to your family and friends they will understand what you want. Best of luck to you!
Good for you! Beautifully written post. And you sound like you have a great man by your side, too! :)
Thanks! And @Monkeygirl: Nice pic! I live in Philly and I work not too far from Love Park.
I agree, you sound very at peace with your decision... That's a wonderful thing! Isn't it amazing how freeing it can be to listen to that deep inner voice?
Definitely good for you! You have one life and do what you think will make you both happy. Dont concern yourself with others expectations and wants as hard as I know it may be. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders! I think in the end you are making a great decision.
It good that you guys are on the same page about it. you may never feel completely 'ready' to have kids, but spending time together, for however long you think you need will make you a stronger couple and stronger parents!
Good for you, with all that family pressure it must be a hard thing to admit to yourself that you would prefer some baby-free years. But honestly I think it's healthy to have some baby-free time, for anyone. :o) Good for you!
What matters most is that you and your life partner on the same page about children. Everyone else will hopefully get on board eventually, and once you ARE ready to have kids, I'm sure they'll be excited to welcome them into the family. In the meantime, you and your soon-to-be husband can enjoy each other and know you'll be great parents one day!
Good for you. My FI and I feel the same about just enjoying being married for a few years. I think it helps to work on one new thing at a time.
This is one of the many reasons hubs and i are waiting to have kids. I just love spending time with him, and right now I'm so busy with school and work that we don't get as much time together as I would like. While there is a higher risk of complications of waiting until I'm 30 to have kids, we both feel it is worth the risk. We are both in agreement that we will take what we can get at that time, and if we don't have kids than it wasn't meant to be for us
Good for you! We're waiting about a year after the wedding to even think about starting trying. I'd wait longer, but we've already been living together for over 2 years, so we've had plenty of "us" time to get us started.
I would print that post out, and store it somewhere so you can look at it when people are getting down on you. Also, if you ever question your decision, you will see it came out of love for your future husband, and an absolute seriousness about the role of parenting.
Good for you, and congratulations on making such a thoughtful, self-examined decision. It is so tough to really get in touch with everything in our heads, and you have here.
good for you for being able to articulate what you really want and go for it! my parents were married fairly young (21 and 22), and waited 10 years to have kids. they were put under a lot of pressure by their families, but they still say how happy they were that they waited and how it was one of their best decisions--they were able to put their careers first, grow up together some more, and wait until they were really ready and excited to have kids
This is such an important realization! I am ALL FOR really getting to know your husband (not that you don't already KNOW him, y'know) and enjoying your time together. My grandparents were married fairly young and had kids right away. Then before they were all moved out, I was born and they adopted me. Once I moved out, my grandmother didn't know what to do with herself, and it was even worse when my grandfather retired. They couldn't stand living with each other.
Luckily, they didn't divorce or anything, but he did go back to work. He's 72. And he's working a full-time job 3 hours away from home... he only comes home on the weekends. LOL. I keep saying to my FI, I do NOT want this to happen to us!
It's great that you are doing what you want instead of what your family wants. Just stay firm to it!
Good for you! A lot of times people can't distinguishe what THEY want to do vs. what the people around them want them to do. I think you obviously have every right to make that decision and deal with the family backlash, its not fair to make yourself unhappy to appease the fam. This is what's best for you guys!
Way to go! So glad you guys are doing what works for YOU! Good luck, & know that we're all behind you (and MUCH more importantly, your FH is standing with you) whenever those dreaded comments start to haunt you.
well if u are worrying aout infertility,simply store your eggs at a fertilit bank.am not exactly sure what kind of fertility problems may exit in ur family but doing this might put your mind a ease knowing that in the event somthing goes wrong u have viable eggs in storage.also start thinking of in the event somthing absolutely goes wrong who could carry these fertilised eggs.just a suggestion.
So glad for you. Your post gave me shivers!
I think its difficult today to be the modern woman and have it all. I think your decision to take some time for yourself is wonderful. And when you do hear from your family (and you know you will), just mention that they had the chance to do things in their own timeline and you would like to do the same.
Good! I am glad that you were able to express yourself and that you feel happy with your decision. I already have a son who is 2, and we wanted our kids close in age, but we have both decided that we want to take some time before having anymore. At least like 2 years! Neither of us are ready for another. It is a really good feeling to know that you are both on the same page.
Me and FI have always been best friends since we've met. We are already husband and wife even though not legally married yet. I feel like we will always have more to learn from each other and that makes it so wonderful. We share a daughter together and let me tell you, its the best addition to the love we have already shared. She is a piece of both me and him and its so wonderful that I cant even explain, it has brought the best man out of him, he is such an amazing dad. Now we can grow together with her and she is a part of us that we created together. We are excited to create a family of our own and challenege ourselves as parents and give what our parents gave us and more. Im glad you are happy with your decision and glad you are both on the same page.
Thank you thank you thank you everyone for your wise and insightful feedback!
@bird: The fertility problems seem to be focused on the act of actually carrying a child full-term, not conceiving. In a way, that's what makes it so devastating, because there have been so many pregnancies that have ended shortly after being announced. Storing my eggs is an idea, but I think that, should I experience the same issues, I'd turn to adoption.
The issue of what's "traditional" has been at the center of every argument I've had with my parents since I got engaged. (At that point, the hot topic was that my fiance had the audacity to propose to me without asking my dad's permission first. The thing is, we both new the answer would have been "NO", and in the miraculous event that permission might have been granted, we wouldn't have been able to get engaged without a formal engagement ceremony, which is essentially a mini-wedding in itself.)
Anyway, my future mother-in-law and I were talking about this, and she laid the debate to rest by simply saying, "You know what? This is 2010." And she's right. Things are very different now, and however wonderful traditions might be, if they're detrimental in relation to your present circumstances, it doesn't make much sense to uphold them.
All I know is that I woke up this morning feeling light as air, and I continue to feel better and better about the decision to wait to have kids.
Oh, and you guys are all amazing, by the way. :)
First off, I want to congratulate you and your FI for coming to this decision together and being open and honest with each other. That is a huge step in a relationship that some couples never achieve.
Like @TammyT - I have known my hubby for over 4 years. Since day one, we made it a priority to make sure we built our friendship first and made sure that was solid as our relationship was growing. He is and will always be my best friend and that is something that we know we can fall back on when the kids grow up and leave the nest. Unlike most couples our age, we had to grow up fast as my hubby had to take in his dad for medical reasons just before we met. So imagine a 25 year old having to alter his life to take care of his then 52 year old dad. That was huge and since it was at the beginning of our relationship we learned to do this together even though we lived in separate homes. There were and still many obstacles with having his father with us but it has made our relationship concrete. So by the time we got married we were set. We were practically married already. Although we are still learning about each other we know we live on sold ground and were ready to start our family. So here we are with our first born growing in mommy's belly and not once will we regret how we have lived our lives.
Having said all that, you and your hubby will know when you are ready for that next step in your relationship! Good luck!
Good for you to know what you want. FI is a lot older than I so we are worried about waiting to have kids, but also want a couple of years of just us - we haven't decided how to handle this. Having been in grad school and now being out looking for a job I'd suggest grad school (after he's done with classes) is a great time to have kids if he has a sympathetic advisor. Grad school is busy and seems like a bad time, but your work schedule is usually flexible and it's not a problem if you need an extra year to finish. No pressure - just perspective.
GOOD FOR YOU!
and great great post...I ENJOYED reading the whole long thing hehe ;)
Thank you, everyone! I'm glad you enjoyed my long post. I thought it would just be a thoughtful paragraph but I just kept typing...and typing...and typing. It was cathartic!
I'm still feeling really peaceful about the decision. I'm getting excited for all the things I want to do with my future husband once we're married. We're both very outdoorsy, and he keeps promising to teach me to ski. We're even talking about hiking the Appalachian Trail!
I also just wanted to say that I really, really appreciate the point of view of the Bees who found great joy in starting families right away. That's beautiful, and it's inspiring to know that I have something like that to look forward to.
WeddingBee is really the best thing I could have come across right now.
It's always gratifying to read about a woman who asserts the reproductive choices that SHE wants to make, instead of giving into everyone else around her.
Don't worry too much about running up against the clock. There's a good chance you won't have any problems, and if you do, reproductive technology has come a long way.
I echo what a lot of the othe women have said when I say good for you! I am getting married the second time around and have a 3 year old. My FH and I have decided we won't have any more kids (he's 38 and has never been married and has no children). At first, we experienced so slack from his parents when we told them I was getting a tubal ligation, but now everyone has come around and it's less of an issue. The family name on my FH's side will end with him but we are both okay with that. You never get that time back to just be a family of two. It is precious and not to be rushed just to get to the child part. I love my daughter more than anything, but what you said about the "empty nest" term resounded with me as well. Cherish your marriage and move to the next step only when you two are ready. Everyone has advice but no one will ever be in your shoes.
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Hey Bees,
I wanted to share this and open the floor for some fruitful discussion.
I come from a very traditional, religious (Roman Catholic) background on both of my parents' sides. I grew up believing that the central purpose of marriage is to have children, and to raise them in a stable household. Many of my cousins on my dad's side got married young (21-22) and were pregnant right away.
On my mom's side, pregnancies didn't necessarily happen immediately after the wedding, but one thing that was always on my mind was that fertility problems have touched every woman on my mom's side of the family, starting around age 30. That seems to be the cutoff age before the serial miscarriages begin. My mom and grandmother deny that this pattern exists, but trust me, it does.
So, here's where I'm going with all this. I'm getting married in about 5 months, and up until this point, my fiance and I had agreed to try to start having kids as soon as our circumstances become favorable (he's aiming for a PhD, so he's got some schooling left.) But last night, I got all contemplative, and realized that a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself to have kids wasn't coming out of a genuine desire to be a mother as soon as possible. Now, please don't get me wrong. I ADORE kids. When I play with toddlers or hold a baby, I feel so happy that, should my heart visibly glow through my chest, I wouldn't be surprised. But nonetheless, I've been so focused on family expectations and the threat of infertility, that it was clouding what I really want.
It was almost surreal to say this, but I admitted to my wonderful, lovely fiance last night that what I really want is to have plenty of time to just be MARRIED to him, before kids come into the picture. I want us to have several years of just us. I want us to grow and know each other to the extent that, when children finally do come along, grow up, and eventually leave home, my husband and I will not have to face the grim reality that we no longer know each other. This happens to so many couples, and it can be devastating. The term "empty nest" always makes me sad, because what I want to see when my children finally leave home is an opportunity to devote the maximum amount of time to my husband, and to our relationship, once again.
Best of all, he was absolutely and unquestionably in agreement with everything I said last night. We're very similar people, but a tiny part of me was afraid that he was going to say something along the lines of, "Well, I really don't want to wait that long..."
Letting go of the expectation that I would jump at motherhood as soon as possible was a huge step. I know that many of you have already reconciled this issue within your own minds, and with your future spouses, but I'm guessing that just as many of you are in situations similar to mine.
I'm preparing myself for disappointed grandmothers, prodding questions, and accusations of selfishness, but (corny as it sounds), saying my wishes out loud last night made me feel like I'm constructing a shield against all of that. I feel stronger, and above all else, incredibly happy.