Post # 1
I’m in a pretty dismal state and I just need for someone to help emotionally. My fiance almost gave up on our relationship yesterday. He wanted to call off our wedding, and my heart is literally breaking from this. I’ll admit, we’ve been in a rough state for a couple of months, but it’s not because we love each other any less. Outside factors have definitely been an influencing part – the main one being that I’m devastatingly unhappy in my job (I’m applying like crazy to find a new one, and I feel like good news is on the way) but it has been mentally and emotionally draining on me to where it has put some rough patches in our relationship. I get stressed out easily at home, and the closer we get to our wedding day, the more frustrated I feel. I want to be happy planning my wedding, but with the burden of my job, it has sucked so much of my happiness away. It’s carried over into my fiance’s state of being as well. Recently, I’ve been trying to be more positive with the hopes of a new job on the lookout and we’ve been in a good point (or at least, that’s what I thought).
Anyway, yesterday, my fiance came to me and told me that we had these problems in our relationship now and that he wasn’t feeling happy anymore. So he was basically breaking up with me. He said he was talking to his best friend (his best man, AND the same guy who happens to be marrying us) and essentially, his best friend told him that he could find better and he shouldn’t settle for me and encouraged him to break it off. It broke my heart that he wouldn’t address our problems first and got a 3rd party involved who only knows one side of the story, and of course, wants to support his friend in need. So after a long, long, long conversation between my fiance and myself, we agreed that our relationship is worth saving, and that neither of us could picture a future without the other one in it. I love him more than anything else in this entire world and want to do anything to have a thriving, loving, successful marriage with him and he wants it too. We just got stuck in a deep rut, and we both are mature enough to at least acknowledge that this is going to take so much work, but it’s totally worth it because I get to marry my best friend. So my fiance eventually texts his best friend back saying how he wants to make this work, and his best friend comes back with:<br />I can’t believe you’re settling for her, how can you compromise your happiness? You deserve so much better than her…and so on and so forth, and he was getting angry at the fact that my fiance apparently did a 180 from what he was previously feeling in their conversation before. Then he eventually tells my fiance that he no longer supports our marriage and will not be the one who will officiate anymore. He can’t believe that my fiance is letting me “manipulate” him into staying with me. It’s not fair that his friend only saw a tiny glimpse of our relationship and doesn’t know what truly goes on behind closed doors. I never forced my fiance to stay with me, I even gave him the option that if he truly felt we were done, that I would accept his decision no matter how much it would hurt. But if he wanted to try to make this work, we would start fresh and continue to grow our relationship. His friend doesn’t know anything that’s happened (he lives 1500 miles away, so he maybe only sees us together once a year, if that) and I don’t want my fiance to feel influenced now because his best friend no longer approves of us. My mom told me once that if you don’t want others seeing someone you love in a bad light, to never say bad things about them. And I’m sad that this one slip up in our relationship is now the defining factor of how his best friend will forever see his friend’s relationship…and I will forever be that woman who took away his friend’s happiness.
It’s been tough and I just don’t know what to do. My head and my heart have been put through the emotional ringer and I didn’t think it was possible to cry so much. I just really want to hear help and kind thoughts and input from anyone who has experienced this sort of situation before and how you handled it.
Post # 2
I’m sorry to hear you are stressed. It can be difficult when someone does not agree with your marriage, but as long as you and your fiance are willing to work it out then his best friend will have to get over it. If not, that’s his decision.
I wish you a happy and healthy marriage!
Post # 3
Wow… big hugs!
It sounds like his “best friend” has some motive for wanting him to break up with you, or why would he be so gung ho about it?
A true friend would have been supportive. I am sorry.
I am glad you and your FI are going to try to work it out! 🙂
Post # 4
MrsTeasandkeys: I just dont understand because I’ve never even had a bad relationship with his friend. This may be a bit TMI for all of this, but we’re not incredibly intimate, and a lot of that just has to do with how stressful it is lately…I mean, who wants to when you’ve been experiencing high anxiety all day? But he addressed that to his friend, and his friend basically said “you can find someone who will treat you well AND have sex with you. Don’t settle for her.” It’s not his place, and I don’t understand why he’s so persistent in trying to have us break up.
Biscuitluv: I know his friend has no real say so in whether or not we continue our relationship, but I’m just so frustrated that he’s putting my fiance in that position. If he’s your best friend, you support them and give them help when they’re in need, not force them to choose by making them feel guilty.
I appreciate the kind words from both of yall!
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!! His friend sounds like an asshole. He should be happy for your FI, not upset at him – regardless of his personal feelings. <br /><br />
It’s awesome that you guys are willing to work it out! I don’t know how much you obsess about the whole job situation… but a while back, before meeting DH, I was REALLY stressed out all the time. I couldn’t think about much apart from money/school/work and I couldn’t concentrate at work. It starts to infect you, ya know? Well, I saw my doctor and she could tell I was really amped up and couldn’t contain it anymore. I was put on some low-dose anti-anxiety meds and let me tell you, it was a godsend. I didn’t feel different, but I could focus. I could concentrate on what I needed to do, and it let me take a breather.<br /><br />If it’s something you’re open to, I would talk to a doctor about it to see if it might be helpful for you. 🙂 Best of luck!
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
AlmostMrsJPS: Your mom gave you very good advice! I wouldn’t worry about the friend, would you want that guy marrying you anway if he doesn’t support your relationship?! It’s scary that your FI wanted to walk out on your relationship when it gets rough – is he going to do that when you’re married too?
Post # 7
You’re not going to like what I have to say, but you posted for advice so I’ll tell you what I think.
You should not get married anytime soon. I don’t know if September is your real wedding date but that’s awful soon for people who need to make major changes in their relationship. I think sometimes people think “we just need to make it to the wedding and everything will be perfect” but I don’t get this. Once you get married, you still go home and are the same people. If you’re worried you won’t even make it to the wedding date, I’d be worried about what happens after you get married. Obviously you have to fix your issues before the wedding, or tempt divorce.
I would be worried about what your FI said to his friend about you. Usually people reveal their true feelings when they’re upset and with their friends, and the only reason I could see his friend acting like suck a jerk is if he really doesn’t believe his friend is happy. Now, it seems like your FI has decided to try and make it work so his friend needs to shut his trap, but I think he was trying to be a good friend to your FI by supporting his first decision. I’m not sure he was trying to break you up based on his own feelings.
As far as your work situation, I hope you are able to find a better job but in the meantime continue trying to be positive like you said. I strongly believe in leaving work at the door when you come home. What you do at work should not negatively effect your relationship so try hard to separate the two if you want your relationship to work.
Anyway, I wish you much luck and hope they you guys can get your communication on and eventually marry if you’re able to find happiness together.
Post # 8
BluebonnetBride: I understand exactly what you’re trying to say. It’s terrifying to have such a huge wrench thrown in with a wedding basically 5 months away at this point. I really think premarital counseling would benefit us, not necessarily as a consistent thing, but to at least throw our problems out in the open with a completely unbiased 3rd party. I also agree that a best friend will always stick up for their friend, because its your best friend. I’ve realized that I do not even talk to my closest friends about problems in my relationship with my fiance unless my fiance and I have addressed them first. I have unfortunately let my work consume my happiness, and I’ve taken a lot of frustration out on him. We can pretty much pinpoint when things went south, and it was basically the time my job started coming home with me mentally. I just am frustrated that his friend is not budging anymore. He heard a couple of negative things…and is convinced that our marriage is done now. Another reason I take what my mom said to heart. I had a fight with him a long time ago and complained to my mom, then got mad at my mom when she said I should find someone who makes me happy. I wasn’t trying to break up with him, but she’s my mom and will always want her daughter to be happy. And that’s when she told me, if you don’t want me to think negatively about him, only say good things no matter how angry with him you may feel.
Anyway, I do appreciate what you have to say and was not upset by it at all. I know that he’s the one I’ll end up with, whether its in 6 months, or 6 years.
Post # 9
AlmostMrsJPS: this whole thing is definitely on your fiancé for involving his friend and over sharing private things about your relationship instead of coming to you first. If my best friend came to me and told me she was unhappy, her soon to be husband was treating her poorly, stopped sleeping with her, etc, I would be like ” don’t marry that guy, you can do better!” I’d be looking out for my friend first and foremost.
Ultimately, the friend’s opinion doesn’t matter – what matters is that you guys are going to work on things, and rather than over sharing with third parties, your fiancé comes to you and only you with problems for now on. If he’s really serious about fixing things, he should tell his friend to back off with the judgment. Unless abuse is involved, any real friend will respect the decision, even if he disagrees. And you never know – in the future, the friend may yet change his mind if he sees you guys have worked things out. I know that if I saw that my friend was happy and the couple worked hard and fixed their issues, I would be happy too.
Good luck! Sounds like you’re dedicated to making things work and hopefully your fiance is too.
Post # 10
I am so so sorry, but I do have to agree with BluebonnetBride. As horrible and costly as delaying a wedding can be, marrying someone who basically tried to break up with you is a terrible idea.
Getting married doesn’t fix anything. Yes, planning a wedding is really stressful and almost everyone fights more pre-wedding than they did before, but you can’t ignore something like your FI saying he isn’t happy with you anymore. His friend might be making it worse, but if your FI is having major doubts, you need to rethink this.
If FI’s friend agreed to be the best man and to officiate and then took that all away, it clearly means your FI told him some seriously bad things. Those feelings might have just been a spontaneous moment of anger, but they also might be something more. Work/wedding planning stress is hard on any relationship, but you’ll have hard times your entire marriage – mortgages, kids, elderly parents – trust me, you guys will have periods just as low as this one, and one of you can’t want to breakup every time it gets bad.
You and FI need to focus on fixing your relationship, if it’s worth fixing to both of you, and not just trying to wait it out until marriage. Marriage won’t fix what is wrong right now.
Post # 11
MOHlookingForIdeas: Fortunately, my fiance did show me their conversation, and I do feel as though it was a little of both. Spontaneous and underlying. I know I have been hard to be around and that’s one thing we addressed when we talked last night. I’m going to stop letting my frustrations from work carry into our home life. Here’s basically everything he said to his friend:
Minimal sex, we never do anything fun (because we work opposite schedules and it’s nearly impossible for us to spend a lot of time doing things except going out to dinner – when I’m free, he’s not, and when he’s free, I work. Our max amount of time together on the weekends is about 4 hrs on a Sat or Sun- so yes, we hardly do anything fun lately), he’s not happy with how negative I’ve been (again, something we addressed), and the last thing, he feels as though his only free time is spent with me and that’s constricting him from feeling “free”, which is yet another thing that’s fixable. All of these problems that he addressed are fixable. It’s not like he said, I can’t imagine marrying her anymore. He even told his friend, he loves me more than anything, but just misses the commitment free life and doesn’t want to regret giving me up because he wants to be selfish. All of these things, I get. It’s not easy committing the rest of your life to one single person and not expect to get shaken up. I know that we can work through these things if both of us put in more effort to make things better, but it’s discouraging that his friend has completely backed out and said he doesn’t support the marriage anymore. le sigh.
Post # 12
I would be very weary of moving forward with marrying someone who tried to break up with me on the advice of someone else. For his friend to have such a strong reaction to your FI’s decision to stay with you makes me wonder what he said to him.. I look down on people who discuss their relationship problems with outside parties that don’t have PhDs.. You’ll never know what was said and his friend now knows the inner workings of your relationship well enough to be completely against it.
I’d be post-poning at the very least. My FI recently got out of a horrible job situation, it was trying for us as a couple but never once did I consider leaving him.. Albeit he did try very hard to make sure he didn’t bring it home and let it spill over into our relationship. For him to want to break up with you when you’re at your worst is a red flag. Post-pone the wedding and really figure out what’s going on with your FI and work on getting your relationship back to a place where marriage makes sense.
Post # 13
AlmostMrsJPS: Make sure you work on conflict resolution strategies for the future too then. If his reaction to not enough sex and not enough fun time is to break up with you, boy, he’s going to be scrambling for the door post-babies. Have you thought about couples counselling? It might help having an unbiased party (ie. not a friend) listen to both of your issues and give suggestions. They can definitely work on conflict resolution ideas too.
Post # 14
BluebonnetBride: MOHlookingForIdeas: I have to agree with the posters who are saying to postpone the wedding.
AlmostMrsJPS: it sounds like your relationship is in a very bad place right now. It is not the time to be planning a wedding. You should postpone to focus on mending your relationship, if that’s possible. Or, to spare yourself the pain of a divorce or the embarassment/cost of calling off a wedding last minute. I know someone who was in a similar situation. They were about 6 months out from the wedding when the groom had serious doubts about the marriage and the relationship. The bride convinced him, basically pleaded with him to stay. They sent their saved the dates and started getting counseling. A few months later the groom was still unsure (I think he knew the relationship was wrong all along, but lacked the courage to end it). Despite the serious issues in their relationship, they went ahead and sent out the invitations, because they were already paid for and printed. Ultimately about a month before the wedding the groom finally got the nerve to call it off and they broke up. Several years later he is happily married to someone else, and I’m sure the bride has moved on with her life too. I’m not saying this will happen to you. But, it sounds like your life is in crisis right now. In the grand scheme of things, the wedding is not that important! You should put it on hold and focus on getting to a better place.
Post # 15
KC-2722: I completely agree. Which is something I told him last night when we talked through things. I told him that we should not tell people our problems without first telling each other. I was able to see what he said to him (they conversed via text) and all of the things he mentioned as to why he was unhappy are fixable so long as we both agree to be better. I can understand where he’s coming from as well because he’s never ever been in a real relationship, let alone one thats lasted 3 years already, so the notion of cold feet – I get. But when we talk about our relationship, both of us state that we genuinely could not find in someone else what we’ve found in one another, so that’s why I am so open to making this work. I gave him the option that if he truly thought we were done, I’d let him go. But he wants to make it work and we realized that our problems are fixable.