We may not make it to the wedding day, please help.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sorry to hear you are stressed.  It can be difficult when someone does not agree with your marriage, but as long as you and your fiance are willing to work it out then his best friend will have to get over it. If not, that’s his decision. 

 

I wish you a happy and healthy marriage!

Post # 3
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow… big hugs!

It sounds like his “best friend” has some motive for wanting him to break up with you, or why would he be so gung ho about it?

A true friend would have been supportive. I am sorry.

I am glad you and your FI are going to try to work it out! 🙂

 

Post # 5
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!! His friend sounds like an asshole. He should be happy for your FI, not upset at him – regardless of his personal feelings. <br /><br />

It’s awesome that you guys are willing to work it out! I don’t know how much you obsess about the whole job situation… but a while back, before meeting DH, I was REALLY stressed out all the time. I couldn’t think about much apart from money/school/work and I couldn’t concentrate at work. It starts to infect you, ya know? Well, I saw my doctor and she could tell I was really amped up and couldn’t contain it anymore. I was put on some low-dose anti-anxiety meds and let me tell you, it was a godsend. I didn’t feel different, but I could focus. I could concentrate on what I needed to do, and it let me take a breather.<br /><br />If it’s something you’re open to, I would talk to a doctor about it to see if it might be helpful for you. 🙂 Best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

AlmostMrsJPS:  Your mom gave you very good advice!  I wouldn’t worry about the friend, would you want that guy marrying you anway if he doesn’t support your relationship?!  It’s scary that your FI wanted to walk out on your relationship when it gets rough – is he going to do that when you’re married too?

Post # 7
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You’re not going to like what I have to say, but you posted for advice so I’ll tell you what I think.

You should not get married anytime soon. I don’t know if September is your real wedding date but that’s awful soon for people who need to make major changes in their relationship. I think sometimes people think “we just need to make it to the wedding and everything will be perfect” but I don’t get this. Once you get married, you still go home and are the same people. If you’re worried you won’t even make it to the wedding date, I’d be worried about what happens after you get married. Obviously you have to fix your issues before the wedding, or tempt divorce. 

I would be worried about what your FI said to his friend about you. Usually people reveal their true feelings when they’re upset and with their friends, and the only reason I could see his friend acting like suck a jerk is if he really doesn’t believe his friend is happy. Now, it seems like your FI has decided to try and make it work so his friend needs to shut his trap, but I think he was trying to be a good friend to your FI by supporting his first decision. I’m not sure he was trying to break you up based on his own feelings.

As far as your work situation, I hope you are able to find a better job but in the meantime continue trying to be positive like you said. I strongly believe in leaving work at the door when you come home. What you do at work should not negatively effect your relationship so try hard to separate the two if you want your relationship to work.

Anyway, I wish you much luck and hope they you guys can get your communication on and eventually marry if you’re able to find happiness together.

Post # 9
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

AlmostMrsJPS:  this whole thing is definitely on your fiancé for involving his friend and over sharing private things about your relationship instead of coming to you first. If my best friend came to me and told me she was unhappy, her soon to be husband was treating her poorly, stopped sleeping with her, etc, I would be like ” don’t marry that guy, you can do better!” I’d be looking out for my friend first and foremost.

Ultimately, the friend’s opinion doesn’t matter – what matters is that you guys are going to work on things, and rather than over sharing with third parties, your fiancé comes to you and only you with problems for now on. If he’s really serious about fixing things, he should tell his friend to back off with the judgment. Unless abuse is involved, any real friend will respect the decision, even if he disagrees.  And you never know – in the future, the friend may yet change his mind if he sees you guys have worked things out. I know that if I saw that my friend was happy and the couple worked hard and fixed their issues, I would be happy too.

Good luck! Sounds like you’re dedicated to making things work and hopefully your fiance is too.

Post # 10
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

I am so so sorry, but I do have to agree with BluebonnetBride. As horrible and costly as delaying a wedding can be, marrying someone who basically tried to break up with you is a terrible idea.

Getting married doesn’t fix anything. Yes, planning a wedding is really stressful and almost everyone fights more pre-wedding than they did before, but you can’t ignore something like your FI saying he isn’t happy with you anymore. His friend might be making it worse, but if your FI is having major doubts, you need to rethink this.

If FI’s friend agreed to be the best man and to officiate and then took that all away, it clearly means your FI told him some seriously bad things. Those feelings might have just been a spontaneous moment of anger, but they also might be something more. Work/wedding planning stress is hard on any relationship, but you’ll have hard times your entire marriage – mortgages, kids, elderly parents – trust me, you guys will have periods just as low as this one, and one of you can’t want to breakup every time it gets bad.

You and FI need to focus on fixing your relationship, if it’s worth fixing to both of you, and not just trying to wait it out until marriage. Marriage won’t fix what is wrong right now.

Post # 12
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would be very weary of moving forward with marrying someone who tried to break up with me on the advice of someone else. For his friend to have such a strong reaction to your FI’s decision to stay with you makes me wonder what he said to him.. I look down on people who discuss their relationship problems with outside parties that don’t have PhDs.. You’ll never know what was said and his friend now knows the inner workings of your relationship well enough to be completely against it.

I’d be post-poning at the very least. My FI recently got out of a horrible job situation, it was trying for us as a couple but never once did I consider leaving him.. Albeit he did try very hard to make sure he didn’t bring it home and let it spill over into our relationship. For him to want to break up with you when you’re at your worst is a red flag. Post-pone the wedding and really figure out what’s going on with your FI and work on getting your relationship back to a place where marriage makes sense.

Post # 13
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

AlmostMrsJPS:  Make sure you work on conflict resolution strategies for the future too then. If his reaction to not enough sex and not enough fun time is to break up with you, boy, he’s going to be scrambling for the door post-babies. Have you thought about couples counselling? It might help having an unbiased party (ie. not a friend) listen to both of your issues and give suggestions. They can definitely work on conflict resolution ideas too.

Post # 14
Member
2243 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

BluebonnetBride:  MOHlookingForIdeas:  I have to agree with the posters who are saying to postpone the wedding. 

AlmostMrsJPS:  it sounds like your relationship is in a very bad place right now. It is not the time to be planning a wedding. You should postpone to focus on mending your relationship, if that’s possible. Or, to spare yourself the pain of a divorce or the embarassment/cost of calling off a wedding last minute. I know someone who was in a similar situation. They were about 6 months out from the wedding when the groom had serious doubts about the marriage and the relationship. The bride convinced him, basically pleaded with him to stay. They sent their saved the dates and started getting counseling. A few months later the groom was still unsure (I think he knew the relationship was wrong all along, but lacked the courage to end it). Despite the serious issues in their relationship, they went ahead and sent out the invitations, because they were already paid for and printed. Ultimately about a month before the wedding the groom finally got the nerve to call it off and they broke up. Several years later he is happily married to someone else, and I’m sure the bride has moved on with her life too. I’m not saying this will happen to you. But, it sounds like your life is in crisis right now. In the grand scheme of things, the wedding is not that important! You should put it on hold and focus on getting to a better place. 

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