Post # 1
So, about a week ago we were having a heart to heart about the engagement/wedding and we set a date! Well, we set two dates, we’ll choose the actual day after our official engagement and we know our families’ schedules. We are getting married either May 21 or May 28, 2011.
Here’s the thing though, he still doesn’t want to get engaged yet and I don’t understand why! I know it sounds like I’m being whiney, but this has been a long process, and I was origanally hoping for a November 2010 wedding, and I compromised a lot with the May 2011 wedding. I told him I’d like to be officially engaged by sometime in May so I can have a year to plan. I can find inspiration and stuff now, but until we speak with our families and get a budget/guest list, its’ hard to do anything concrete. And he doesn’t want to tell anyone until I get a ring on it…so, what’s his reason for not getting engaged yet?
He thinks once you’re engaged, that’s it, that means you’d be ready to get married the next day, and he’s not ready to get married yet. And I said, “but we decided on May 2011, we’re not getting married the day after the engagement” to which he replied, “I know, but still. I’m not ready to be engaged yet.” What?! Aren’t we already semi-engaged cause we have our wedding date!!?? I don’t know, I’m just confused and a little annoyed and I just needed to vent…that’s why I love you all, I can do that here.
Post # 3
Actually I think it’s awesome that he’s being so truthful about his feelings about engagement. And yes, I think he’s right, being engaged is totally committing yourself to being with that person. Being engaged to someone, at least to me, does mean “If you want we’ll go and get married tomorrow because I want to be with you and only you and there’s nothing else in the world that I would rather want to do”. Speaking about dates that you’d like to get married? Yes, that’s planning but there’s no commitment to it. It’s like saying that by 2012 you’ll get a puppy. It’s something that you’d like to happen by that time but it’s not actually a committed “We are going to go buy a puppy now” statement.
I realize it must be really hard but give him some time. He was honest enough to tell you that he’s not ready to become engaged yet. That’s something that he needs to come to in his own time. Maybe he has something that he still wants to do? Maybe he’s scared of being engaged? Who knows. But he’s got to come round to it, and it sounds like you’ve already promised to each other that you’ll get engaged and married one day, which is like the step before being actually engaged.
Post # 4
My now-FI was like that. I was soooo frustrated because like you we had talked about it all so I couldn’t understand how he “wasn’t ready” when he was basically already planning it with me! So we fought about it then I backed off. A month later he came to me and said that he wanted to go ring shopping together in another month. So from him initially telling me he wasn’t ready despite knowing he wanted to marry me, it took two months for him to propose. And looking back, I think he had a better handle on it than I did. I wish I wouldn’t have pressured him, and we actually moved our wedding date back a year. Sometimes I wish I would have just let it go and not pushed to get engaged because we do know more of what we want now (and it is making for a long engagement). It does change to say “this is my fiance” instead of “this is my boyfriend.” They’re such little changes in thinking, but it will hit you.
It is difficult, but you have to be patient and let him come around in his own time. And definitely take comfort in that you picked a date. Yeah, I would say you are “semi-engaged!” I mean, to me, you may as well be engaged already if you set a date for a wedding. There is no hard rule saying an engagement needs a ring. So obviously he doesn’t consider you engaged yet, but really, for all intents and purposes… Also, that’s what the Bee is for! Come get ideas and plan and poke around the Waiting board where a LOT of bees share your situation. Glad you like it here.
Post # 5
We may be date twins!!!! My So doesnt want to get engaged yet either but our tentitive date is memorial weekend 2011 (May 28).
Post # 6
I am going through the same kind of scenario… but as I learned over the weekend, you really shouldn’t push your SO. It only leads to uncomfortable silence and unnecessary arguments.
I know my SO has an Engagement Ring, we have a date, and he encourages me to go to bridal expos, etc. It is really difficult, but try to push your focus onto other aspects of the planning process and to yourself. I have found a lot of support throughout the hive, which has made it a lot easier to stop nagging Mr. Frosting. I am doing the workout buddies and I have become a posting nut because it is a great way to get out frustrations without taking it out on your man.
I know you can’t, but TRY your best to be patient. He sounds like he’s almost ready… get excited for that vacation and start taking care of those hands and nails!
Post # 7
I went through the SAME. THING. I’m not going to lie, it was very frustrating!
We picked our date 2/08, for 2/09, but then he didn’t propose until August. I had actually contemplated breaking up!
We paid for most of our wedding, so I had an idea of budget. I did do some dress shopping in July, and I started looking for inspiration…picked colors, etc. I basically let him know that I needed to get my dress X # of months before the wedding, and we needed our budget by then, etc. Try this approach. Don’t just make it about your frustration. Lay out the timeline of decisions, or maybe even show him one of those wedding magazine checklists of what to do when.. 😉 Maybe a light bulb will go off of how much there is to do, and I think most timelines start 8+ months out.
My hubby was OK with paying for certain deposits (but I didn’t ask for many!) before the formal engagement.
In the meantime, try not to stress. Unless you live in a big city, you really can plan a wedding in 6 mos, especially if you know in advance to do research! I really resented my (now) Darling Husband for the added stress, but in the long run what good did that resentment do, now that we are married.