Post # 1
I feel like I’m going crazy waiting. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, living together for 2. We’ve talked about getting married, we both know we want to get married, but he doesn’t see why we should do it any time soon.
Yesterday we talked about how it makes me feel that he doesn’t want to marry me yet. I explained to him that it makes me feel like he’s not sure about our relationship. He said he is sure he just doesn’t want to get married yet. I asked him for a timeline, and after he completely avoided the question about 10 times he said, “in a few years.” Gee, thanks. Now I feel so much better. I guess it’s my fault for being hopeful he would say something like 6 months. I tried to explain that I don’t want to wait that long, and he just doesn’t get it!
I showed him a quote from When Harry met Sally that says exactly how I feel about it, “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” He just said, “Well getting married doesn’t mean you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Just look at your parents.”
Arghgh. It’s so frustrating. I don’t know how to make him understand that this is something that is important to me.
Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent.
Post # 3
Is he freaking about ruining your relationship by marrying, or something? He could be one of those guys who’s perfectly happy as things are, and afraid he’ll jinx it by making it formal and legal etc.
Post # 4
That might have something to do with it. If I try to talk to him about the M word he gets frustrated and asks me why I can’t just be happy with the way things are.
Post # 5
Hmmm…..I know it’s most people’s advice to not pester about marriage but really after 4 years I think it’s perfectly reasonable to address concerns.
‘A few years’ would not sit well with me either. Why if he knows you’ll get married is a few years necessary. If there are still issues to work out then you need to know what those issues are. Otherwise this is some solo journey he’s taking and really that’s not good prep for a marriage.
I’d try another talk, not a I want to get married right now talk but asking him what will change in a few years that will make him ready for marriage or what he’s still looking for out of your relationship or if it’s just some age he think he’ll be mature at. There could be lots of reasons but ‘a few years’ is not a good reason.
Post # 6
I’m sorry. I too would ask him what makes him want to wait a few years, what in his life will be different at that point, etc.
I’ve occasionally been upset in conversations in the past when my boyfriend would make comments about us getting engaged and married when it’s the right time for us…well, no…the right time for me was about a year ago. We will get engaged at that right time for him! I sometimes feel like I have no say in this…he knows my ideal timeline and it’s up to him to actually ask then or not.
Post # 7
How old is your SO? I see that you are 20? I hate to pull this card, but a lot of people (and especially guys) just aren’t ready at 20.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies for the advice. I think I’ll wait a couple weeks to bring it up again so I’m not pestering him too much, but I’m going to ask him what he thinks is going to change in the next “few years” that will make him ready for marriage. It’s so frustrating because I know he wants to get married (someday). We went camping this weekend and he walked me to the bathroom, when we were walking back a woman said, ” I wish my husband would walk me to the bathroom!” He got the biggest grin and said, “She thought I was your husband… :D” I was just thinking yeah.. you could be if you would just ask me already!! Lol.
Post # 9
It took my FI a lot longer to be ready for marriage than me.
I was ready a year and a half before him. Ya it was hard but he was definitely worth the wait! (We got engaged at 5.5 years together – living together for 4 of them)
Enjoy this part of the relationship and it will be so much better when he is ready for marriage!
Post # 10
I think you need to repeat that question to yourself, what’s going to change in the next few years? I knew I was going to be with my FI years before we got engaged but there was no reason to rush into marriage. We were still together all those years and when we did get engaged, 5.5 years later, it felt right for both of us. Would you really feel good about getting engaged knowing you had to pressure your boyfriend into proposing?
Post # 11
@fourpeass: No, I don’t want to pressure him into proposing, I just want to understand why he wants to wait. It’s frustrating knowing that he wants to get married someday but not knowing why the wait or when he wants to. We were planning on buying a house together in the next couple years, and honestly I don’t want to buy a house together if we aren’t married. I own the condo that we live in now, but buying a house together seems different.
Post # 12
I agree, find out what he’s waiting for. Sometimes guys just need to get over the initial freak-out of thinking of what they think they “want” (to get married someday…) vs the “reality” of how it applies to them (timelines/etc).
Post # 13
All these things you are telling us, you need to make sure you are telling him. Does he know that you don’t want to buy a house with him if you aren’t married (and that’s a completely valid way to feel, don’t let him tell you otherwise). Sit down, have a big talk with him and then leave it for a few months. Hopefully you will have planted a seed with him that will grow into what you want.
Post # 14
Just as a side note, I was adament that I wouldn’t buy a house with FI till we were at least engaged. When we first started dating he really wanted a house and 6 months in he wanted us to get a house. I told him no way uness we were married/engaged. Now we’re getting married in less than 2 months and still don’t have a house because all our money went towards the wedding. Don’t let him tell you you need to get a house together before you get engaged or married if you don’t want to. Stick to that if that’s what you really believe 🙂
Post # 15
Another poster commented on age but I don’t know if it was addressed; maybe that’s a factor? Are you guys in school, or just starting out career-wise? I’m not making any assumptions, because people are at many different stages in their early 20s, but I know at least for me (I’m 22), saving up because I’m in grad school and he’s just starting out in his job field was a big factor in how long I’ve had to wait! That being said, I don’t blame you for being frustrated, and I agree that after that long, you definitely have the right to want to know. It sucks how the decision lies in the guys’ hands haha.
Post # 16
We are young, both 20 but I feel like we’re more mature than some other 20 year olds out there. I have a career established already, I’m an accountant at my dad’s business and I’m training to take over when he retires. My boyfriend got laid off from his last job and is looking for a new one. I know that plays in a part in all of this too. I don’t know if I’ve ever told him that I won’t buy a house with him unless we are already engaged, I felt like that was a given, but it’s probably not! I’ll bring that up with him next time we talk about it.