Post # 1
Hey there, regular posting going anon for this one.
Been together for 5 years, engaged for one. Around xmas FI wanted to take a break. We had both been under a lot of stress from our jobs and a health issue that quickly drained our wedding savings. I was a stressed out ball of crazy due to bad family issues and my own parents divorcing and our rapid draining of savings. We were on the break for 2.5 months, and it was the worst months of my life. He concluded it by coming back saying that he knew he could never want anyone other than me and wanted our life together. He says he never considered us apart during the break. however, during this time I saw photos on a girl’s facebook that involved him. there were no photos showing physical contact between them, but there were photos from multiple occasions that showed them hanging out. In said photos, I could not tell if there were other people present, but they definitely could have been group outings. I had never heard her name before. This led to horrible, teary confrontations with him about who the hell she was. He says she is a childhood friend of a very good friend of his, and she is around when they go out in groups. He doesn’t have many friends, so this guy is usually who my FI is out with. Her comments on the photos show that she really liked him. He says he knows she has a crush on him, but he can’t help that. I cannot get over it.
I feel like I am nagging him about it, and I hate that I have to bring it up over and over. But even today I see her comment on his photos and my heart drops. I feel her comments are out of line and bordering on being too flirty. He maintains nothing happened with her. That there was never any cheating or lying. We do not live together, and I was out of town for the holidays whereas he stayed here, so there is no way for me to know if she was over at his place ever. I am in my residency at a hospital, so there are days where I am gone 48 hours at a stretch, so I am not around him to see if there is any contact such as texting or calling.
I just don’t know what to do. I am turning into a paranoid stalker, even though I have no concrete proof that anything happened. But you read all these stories about cheating men, and the secrecy and how women put up with being “the other woman.” I don’t know if I am so afraid because my dad cheated on my mom. And I try to think even if he did date, and ultimately chose to come back to me, isn’t that enough? If he wanted her, he would have permanently left her for me. I’m a mess. I don’t know how to handle this.
Post # 3
Were you allowed to date other people during the break? I guess I would have to know that first.
Post # 4
@deetroitwhat: we said no, there would be no dating. He maintains he didn’t date or even look for anyone else.
Post # 5
Okay. Well if you believe he is honest with you and you trust him, your only real issue is this girl has a crush on him. I assume he is not actually friends with her on FB, you just see these comments through his friend – correct? If that’s the case & your FI is not reciprocating any of these comments, my suggestion would be to block her so you cannot see them. And maybe ask your FI to do that too so that you can adjust (especially if they are not friends, I am not sure why this would be an issue for him.)
Honey if you want to be with him and you’re happy he came back to you (because it sounded like he super wanted to) you have got to be 100% present in your relationship today. You took the break for a reason, he socialized more with friends. He’s right that he cannot help if the girl likes him, and you cannot either. But you can move forward.
Post # 6
Even if he did “date” her, I would try to move past it. What difference does it make now? In this moment, he came back to you– and only you.
My best friend was passionately in love with a man who got cold feet and left her. He was gone for 3 months, and then came back with his tail between his legs. They got married a year later and they are blissfully happy. He needed the wakeup call, and he got it.
If he treats you well now, and loves you and wants to be with you– then let this go. You don’t even have proof that he did date her. I wouldn’t even consider it cheating if you were broken up. Don’t drive this man away over suspicion of something that MAY have happened when you were on a break. It’s not worth it.
Post # 7
Do you have reason not to trust him? Just because he is in photos with another girl doesn’t necessarily mean he was “with” her.
Honestly, I would probably be upset too, but you 2 were on a “break”. He came back to you, right? He chose you!
If you constantly nag him about this, it will cause problems in your relationship. Since it sounds like you’re on delicate ground to begin with, I would not question him any more about it. You asked, he answered. If you have trust issues that go beyond these pictures, that’s something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
Post # 8
Get off FB. FB causes more problems than it’s worth and you’re spending all your time reliving this. Go outside and do something, stop FB stalking. He answered your questions you either believe him or you don’t. You’re going to drive a wedge and you don’t want that. You two are a team now.
Post # 9
You were on a break when/if that happened so you can’t be mad about it. However, you are back together now and she needs to respect that. If she isn’t able to, and keeps on with the flirting, then your FI needs to cutoff contact. everything should come from him though. Besides, it shouldn’t be any issue for him since it was a friend of a friend. If he’s committed to you and making your relationship work, he should be willing to do this for you.
Post # 10
Delete her from your facebook and ask your FI to do the same.
Post # 11
Thank you all for your opinions. It is helpful that so far everyone is in agreeance. This girl’s photos are public, so that is how I can see them. And then I can see her comments on his photos. It is a good idea to block her. I have severely limited my time on FB because it is so evil and prompts the crazy to come out in me.
Throughout the rest of our time together, he gave me no reason to worry at all. The only change I have seen in him since getting back together is that he doesn’t text me constantly throughout the day. He also tells me he loves me multiple times everyday, but he doesn’t ever write it in text form. He used to text me alllllll the time saying loveing things. RIght after we got back together, I sent him a text asking for reassurance that we would be permanently together. He responded saying that “our love is so special. permanent is the idea here.” I analyzed that sentence to death.
But like some of you have said, it is that paranoia and questioning that could drive him away.
Post # 12
To me, there doesn’t seem to any indication of him dating her. And there’s nothing wrong with her flirting, especially if she thought he was a single and available guy. However, now that the two of you are back together, she shouldn’t be flirting with him, and he may have to say something if a line is crossed.
If she flirts with him, and he wanted to get back together with you, you have nothing to worry about. He’s chosen to be with YOU! And if he knows you’re not comfortable with her, he should be able to respect that and avoid being around her if he can.
Don’t turn something into an issue if it doesn’t have to be! Enjoy your relationship.
Post # 13
I see this from the other side because DH and i broke up for 3 months and i was the one who “dated” someone else, although nothing even close to serious. I was honest from moment it pretty much happened and it really hurt him, but he didnt deserve to be lied to
i dont know if it was paranioa, but upon getting back together it was me stalking his facebook. He has a lot of girl friends, always has, and i was being a jealous crazy person. I knew i needed to take a step back and just stop looking for things. He is a trustworthy person and it was me being a psycho. Its been over a year andi feel like a totally different person. I don’t go searching for things, the only time i go to his page is to post something.
I feel like now we have so much of a better relationship. You have to trust him, even though that means putting yourself out there to get hurt.
Post # 14
Tread lightly here. This is supposed to be a fresh start, not the beginning of another break.
Post # 15
Maybe I’m crazy!
But I’m TOTALLY suspicious!
If FI had known this girl for a while, “took a break” from “us”, was suddenly tagged in a bunch of pictures with her, then nothing developed between them and he came back, I would be PARANOID that he only came back because she didn’t want him!
I’m sure I’m just being cray cray (I am one of those crazy jealous types).
But if something in your head is sending off MAJOR red flags, you should listen to them!
Post # 16
You are definitely being paranoid about this. If he says he didn’t date her, and hasn’t done or said anything to the contrary, then this is really an issue of your own trust in him. Is he being secretive about it, or do you think he’s lying? If not, I don’t see why you’re still worried about whether or not they dated on your ‘break.’
The other issue seems to be her comments on FB. Ask him to make it so she can’t comment on them anymore! Either that, or he needs to TELL this girl that it’s inappropriate, because he is TAKEN. Does he ever tell her to stop? Does he reply to her? Does she know you two are together? I would imagine that she’s aware that he is with you, and that she’s crossing the line. HE needs to stop it. You should both delete her from FB, especially if she continues this kind of behavior after he talks to her about it.