Post # 1
We are newly engaged and we plan on eloping next summer. My family is fine with it, but my fiancee’s mom keeps telling us not to do it because she has to be there when we get married. I am hoping she gets over it, because A.) it’s not about her, and B.) She isn’t the one planning/paying for anything. The other option (the one future MIL keeps bringing up) would be to have a very small wedding (20 guests) with a ceremony and small reception at a restaurant……. I would MUCH rather it just be the two of us to go away to bermuda and get married on a beach.
Any advice on how to react about this? Thanks!!!
Post # 2
I don’t really think it’s unreasonable for a mother to want to see her son get married. Is there some reason you are opposed to this?
Post # 3
I’ve been to Bermuda 9 times and I totally agree with you.
Post # 4
Elope!! I knew I wanted to, and instead got pressured into a wedding. It will always be the biggest regret of my life.
Do what makes you happy-life’s too short to please others
Post # 5
Elope, and have someone video the ceremony so she can watch it. Everyone gets what they want, and if that isn’t good enough for her, oh well! Your wedding and your life.
Post # 6
My brother eloped with his girlfriend and invited no one. It really damaged the relationship he and our mother had. There’s more to the story, but this was one of the biggest nails in the coffin. It isn’t unreasonable for her to want to see her son get married. You’re right, it’s not all about her, but it’s not all about you either.
Post # 7
The thing about eloping is that you are not supposed to tell anyone about it. Once you tell people it is no longer eloping. So the first thing I would do is stop talking about it. Then silently plan your elopement and go and do it without telling anyone.
It is much easier to ask for forgiveness after the deed is done than before.
Post # 8
LongIslandRN: As a mother, I would be saying the same thing. This is one of the big things we wait for throughout parenting. (And in response to a PP, watching a video is nothing like being there). FMIL has given FI a lot, obviously. Also, she’s not asking for the big white wedding, she’s asking for a small intimate one.
It is the choice of you and FI, but don’t be dismissive of her concerns.
Post # 9
LongIslandRN: WELL…my husband and I got married with just us and basically told our moms “we love you, but it’s not about you right now.” and I’m the only child, so it was a hard pill to swallow for my mom but she understood why we did it the way we did. (our moms like each other, but somehow make everything 1000 times more complicated than need be). And what do you know? We have a great relationship with our moms and they understand why we did what we did. Just our daughter (4 month old) was in attendance, no getaway wedding). What does your FI think? If he is one to be for the destination wedding, then you should let him tell his mom that, not hte other way around because then you sound like you’re taking him away from her (which is kind of what you’re doing in a sense).
Post # 10
My first thought is always ‘you want something? you pay for it’…and this goes triple for weddings.
FMIL wants the traditional event? She pays for it. I told my late MIL exactly this when we got engaged. I have no family here, and there was no way I was going to pay – or get in debt, as the case would have been – for a party for H’s family. Luckily my MIL had already realised this. She got to plan a wedding (H is an only child) with exactly what she wanted, and I happily went along with it all. If she hadn’t been willing to pay, we would have eloped.
This FMIL can ask all she like, but asking ain’t getting.
Post # 11
It doesn’t sound like FMIL is asking for a big wedding, just to actually see her son get married. I still fail to see how this is unreasonable.
Also, like a PP said, it’s not an elopement if you keep telling people about it.
Post # 12
I say do what you want (although I could never have gotten married with my parents and would have opted for the smaller wedding to ensure they were included). However, like PP mentioned, I would stop talking about it. If it is already done there isn’t much she can do about it in the end.
Post # 13
j_jaye: Exactly. A lot of people don’t seem to understand that.
At this point, it’s no longer an elopement, it’s a private ceremony. If you want to have your Bermuda beach wedding, you’ll have to accept the fact that your FMIL and some other people won’t be happy about it. You can’t make everyone happy, and in this situation what makes them happy doesn’t really matter. You and your fiancée are getting married, not his mom or anyone else.
Plan your private ceremony, and get married your way. If you want, have a reception back at home where everyone watches the video and sees the photos.
Post # 14
Why don’t you want his mom there? It’s her son’s wedding too. I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable for her to want to see her son get married.
My FMIL & my mom would have been heartbroken if we eloped.
And by the way, you aren’t actually eloping if you’re talking about it.
Post # 15
Okay I can see both sides here. As woman who is independent, we did what we wanted for wedding, since you are adults. However as a mother I would be extremely upset if my son eloped. My brother did this and his relationship with my parents have never been the same