Post # 1
This quote from one of my favorite girl movies (Sex and The City) pretty much sums up my current situation.
My 31 year old fiance and I (27) have been together a little over 3 years (engaged for a year) and things are the worst they have ever been. Parts of his family (his mother in particular) does not like me because I am black and he is white and does not want us to be togethe. She never has. In the beginning I was just “that black girl he sneaks off with every weekend”. One of his sibling was going through his own issues so he would “deflect” accountability by spreading nasty rumors about me which only made things worse. It took about a year before his mother refered to me by name in conversation. At that point she just tolerated me, like a pet your child irresponsibly brought home that they swear they will take care of but you know sooner or later it will just die and boom no more problem. I guess I’m one resilliant well taken care of pet cause i’m still around lol. (sorry all i can do is laugh sometimes cause it’s so bad)
When we talked about getting engaged and living together it was great. He told his parents that we were going to move in together and his mom said “well don’t make anything perminant” and told her that were were going to get engaged and eventually get married. Shortly after he proposed to me and his mom went into denial (a family trait apparently). They never brought up the wedding or anything with me they only wait till he goes there to help fix something and then tell him he’s stupid. We’ve been actually planning the wedding for about 6 months now and we’ve moved the date up 3 times because we just want to get it ove with as the stress is surely going to kill us. We decided to keep our January 13th wedding date and sent out our save the dates for our Alice in Wonderland theme wedding. When his mother got her in the mail she was “hysterical” was the word used by his dad… And his dad wants to have a “long serious talk” with him in person. His parents acted like they were blindsided! Needless to say just about everytime we talk about the wedding, we argue. We use to have fun writing down ideas in our wedding book together but it’s like a blanket to cover the fact that his parents, his mother, is so against it. It’s to the point where we don’t want a wedding anymore we just want to be together forever. We’re even revisiting our original elopement idea. We strayed away from it so people didn’t feel left out. We haven’t even book any vendors or the venue yet just incase we just decide to run off. I mean i’ve already got my dress and the wedding bands and he has a suit so that works for us!
We’ve known since the day we met we were going to be together forrever and he knew from the day we met it wouldn’t be easy but neither one of us knew it would be this damn hard. So what to do I stick it through and try to keep up this small wedding plan for only our closest friends and family, less than 40 people (which I fear more and more each day is going to be a sh*t show) or just cut our losses give my bidesmaid their wouldbe gifts and elope??
Thanks for bearing with me bees and I am looking forward to your desperately needed advice!
Post # 3
I’m really sorry his parents are treating you like that. If I was in that situation, I wouldn’t even bother with the wedding, seems like its going to be more trouble than it’s worth. I don’t see anything wrong with just flying to Vegas and having a special ceremony with just the two of you. Besides, if his family ever decides to grow up, you can always have a wedding down the road for a vow renewal.
Post # 4
I don’t understand why you don’t just elope.
You know his parents are a-holes, so why would you expect they would suddenly change when you decided to make it legal?
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Elopement sounds like a great idea if the wedding planning and his family are causing you this much stress. Sorry you have to deal with these crazy future in-laws, I hope you and your FI come up with a solution that works for both of you!
Post # 6
@dollface313: Our situations are similar. I’m black and my DH is white (Russian to be exact). My family was opposed to our union too although it had very little to do with racial differences. However is family avoided talking about the wedding or making any attempt to get to know me. We ended up cancelling our wedding and eloping. Once we told everyone they were in shock but seem to have come around to it now. The bitching stopped because at the end of the day, what the hell are they going to do about it anyway?
Post # 7
Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through that! It sounds like a horrible situation, and I wish his family would realize how much they are hurting you, him, and your relationship.
I echo PPs….maybe just elope! Although it sounds like you have a pretty cool wedding planned. But at the end of the day, if you can actually enjoy your wedding day and not stress about what might happen, but truly experience saying ‘I do,’ that could be worth it!
Post # 8
Sorry you’re going through this.
Elopement sounds like it would save you a lot of hazzle & craziness.
Post # 9
Such a shame that they can’t just see you as the woman their son loves ugh! I say be happy with him and elope. All you need is each other.
Post # 10
@canarydiamond its not that we thought his mother would change because it will never EVER happen but we didn’t want to exclude the accepting part of his family or my family that loves him. We thought since there were more people that were for it than against it would be ok but we just underestimated how stressful those few could make it…
Post # 11
I say just elope and if your want have a small reception with your friends and close family later on.
Post # 12
Elope! I think having a wedding will just be a platform for more drama and nonsense from his family.
Post # 13
Aw that’s horrible. Sorry you have to deal with that racist garbage.
I’m also one half of an interracial and international couple (I’m Chinse-Canadian and Dh is a New Zealander of Irish descent…and we live in NYC just to make it more interesting.) But I am so lucky that both sets of family and friends are supportive.
Elope. We essentially did that for immigration purposes. But now we’re having a party so our friends and family can meet (and one of our friends is ‘marrying’ us.) Here’s the thing. Since we’re already married, we can just concentrate on planning the party. While I’m not calling it a wedding, it’s a celebration of our marriage and everyone is right into it.
So, get married/elope and your in-law’s can suck it (ok, don’t tell your FI that part.) Then have your awesome AIW-themed reception/marriage celebration/one hell of a party and ENJOY! They can sit at home and pout or they can put on their big boy pants and realise that they have a daughter-in-law and be welcoming.
Post # 14
@dollface313: I’m so so sorry you and your FI are going through this. Though both DH and I are Vietnamese, I’ve see the situation you describe every time someone in one of our families dates outside our race and culture. I think it’s very sad that some people can’t accept others due to something so arbitraty as skin color. OP, if I were you, I’d elope. It’s so hard to just find that one special person to love. Don’t let anyone or anything get in between what you two have and the commitment you both are making to each other. Good luck!
Post # 15
Thanks so much bees! I think we will definately go back to the elopment idea.
Post # 16
I am SO sorry you’re going through this. If it makes you feel any better, I’m in a similar situation. My parents don’t really like my FI. Part of it has to do with them thinking he’s not good enough for me. And even though we’re both white, he’s not Jewish. I hate that race, religion or anything really comes into play with parents and their children’s happiness! Part of me wonders how you could stay with him, knowing that his parents feel that way, but I am so glad my FI stays by me even though my parents are kind of assholes to them (mostly behind his back). Sometimes, we toy with the idea of eloping, too. It would just be so easy. But, I have this feeling that I would look back and really regret not celebrating with the people who ARE supportive of this relationship and DO love us. Would you feel the same way?