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Hi guys!!!
so me and my FI are getting married on august 27, 2011. when we became engaged we decided to get married at our local catholic church. we immediatly met with the father and started doing the pre-cana classes. We did the 8 hour program called "a god filled marriage" semiar, for $150. Our priest had asked us if we were living together and at the time we were just living with our parents, but then he asked if we were going to start looking for an apartment, we said yes and he said if we needed any help let him know. a couple months later we finally moved in with each other, and our priest asked how our apartment hunting was going. We thought he was ok with us getting an apartment so my FI told him that we had been living together for a month now. He told us he had to make a phone call the catholic diocese/sisters for us to have a weekend catholic retreat for $200. He comes back and tells us he has some bad news. He said,"The sisters really don't agree with your lifestyle. Cohabitating before marriage is something we do not believe in. I have to send your paperwork down to them to evaluate your marriage. If they agree to let you get married in our church we can proceed with the wedding. But as of right now we are refusing you."
Three months before and now it's a month later from when he refused us and told us that the sisters are looking at our paper work and we need to set up a meeting to basically plea why they should allow us to get married. I'm so fed up with this church and right now we are looking at another church with a younger priest to marry us. but he's been on vacation right now. I feel that my wedding is a circus right now and if we can't get married in a church i have no idea what we're going to do.
I just needed to vent I'm soo stressed out. Thank you for listening!
What if one of you moves back in with your parents? Then would they marry you?
ETA: Is that even an option for one of you?
we said that i moved back home and he told us that the sisters would still have to evaluate our wedding
Many churches would NEVER turn you away, but they probably wont be Catholic.
@mantha929: How weird! Your church must be SUPER strict. We have been "cohabitating" since we started meeting with the Deacon and Father of our catholic church and although they say the church doesn't agree, they are still allowing us to get married. We just got the lecture during one of the meetings that cohabitating presents certain "problems or issues" and just to be aware of that.
So sorry you are going through this...((hugs!!!)) You poor thing! I'm not sure how much this church means to the both of you, but if you can still get married there, I would try. otherwise, I would look into another church. Maybe try another catholic church in your area? Looks like your big day is fast approaching so I understand you are feeling the time crunch. Good luck! Hope it all works out.
Yeah, I would find another priest and or church.
Wow, thats pretty intense. I've heard of priests asking couples to refrain from living together but I also thought they couldn't NOT marry you based on those grounds. Now if he asked you to live apart until the marriage and you refused I think he could say he woulnd't marry you but since you are telling him you live apart again there shouldn't be any problems.
If he comes back and says he won't marry you, talk to the diocease.
if the sister's are from the diocese (i'm guessing the family life office?) then choosing another local church won't make a difference. you'd have to choose a different diocese.
not every catholic church is like this - if you want to be married catholic, i would suggest looking at other churches in the area, and even outside of the diocese if that is possible (i don't know how your dioceses are broked down and what that distance would look like)
i had been living with my now husband about 2 years when i was married in a catholic church - actually, i would say that 80% of the couples in our pre-cana class were living together at the time of their wedding, so its not the catholic church in general that does not allow the marriage of people who are cohabitating
The Catholic church is making a killing off of these couples! I didn't know you had to PAY for pre marriage stuff!
i feel your pain. Although i am not Catholic my pastor has informed me that he will not marry us because my fiance is not a member of a bible believing church. He says its a personal thing. We're on the hunt to find a pastor who will. It's very frustating to say the least. i hope everything turns out for you.
FI and I have lived together for over a year and our Catholic church has not said anything.
Why on earth would you even want to get married by an establishment which "disagrees with your lifestyle?" Who needs them? Ask for your 150 back too.
I can't vote in your poll! Try the younger priest but then also using the JoP works too. Or have a friend get ordained online.
We are getting married in a Catholic Church and have lived together for 3 years now and not even an eyebrow was raised at us after we told the Priest how long we have lived together. I think it all just depends on the Church.
Don't get discouraged. It's unfortunate that there are Catholic churches that act this way because it gives all of Catholicism a bad image. Before DH converted to Catholicism, his protestant pastor wasn't going to marry us because we were living together - so it's not just the Catholic church. Try looking around for another priest.
I think it's weird that he sent your file to the sisters and not the bishop - the bishop is the one who you "appeal" to when there's an inter-faith marriage (for example). Something just seems really fishy about the situation. I recommend you finding a new church.
ETA: Also, when we told the Catholic priest who married us that we were living together, his response was "you know, in medieval times, the moment a couple got engaged they moved in together." That was the only time he brought up our living arrangements haha.
@ninerz113: Agreed. No offense to nuns but they don't really have any power. Thats why I said talk to the diocease, ie. the Bishop. He has the final say. I know my archdiocease was REALLY helpful for my situation even though the original priest was a meanie!!!
Wow I can't believe they are refusing to marry you! Not every Catholic church is like that. In fact, I have a friend who is pregnant with her second child and has been living with her FI for years and the local Catholic church is still marrying them next year, and this is one of the stricter churches around here. They actually told them they would likely not need intensive precana classes because they've already figured a lot of stuff out through experience. I'd definitely try another Catholic church that will not reject you!
I think you should have that meeting with your diocese. If you already said that you moved back home I don't see why there's a problem. Meeting with the diocese might clear up any confusion everyone has esp since your wedding is coming up quick. Hopefully everything will work out smoothly. Good luck!
@ninerz113: lmao, LOVE a priest who knows his history!!!!
so sorry you're going through this, OP. Hopefully things will smooth out and you can get married in the other priest's church.
wow! that would upset me too! especially after paying for the classes and being strung along! my dh and i lived together since before we were engaged and our catholic church didnt seem to have a probem with it. there is even a portion of the foccus assessment test specifically for cohabitating couples.... id find another church.
I would just meet with who you need to to clarify that you HAVE moved back and then keep it that way. I would assume that they should show the same grace they themselves have been shown in it.
As for their standard, I would highly respect them for holding to the scripture and expectation of lifestyle. And I wouldn't leave for sure... you and your FH could probably learn and grow alot in a place that still calls for a higher standard... great foundation! =)
It's stuff like this that reaffirm my desire to NOT get married in a church. that totally sucks that they are doing that... I don't have much advice to offer, but I hope you get it all squared away soon so you can relax!
that is really weird. Who are these sisters? I have never heard of a diocese having a say in who gets married...the priest does! wow. sorry, I just can't get over how weird that is.
That IS the catholic way though... I am catholic but that's pretty much precicesly the reason I don't want to marry in a catholic church.
In what world do nuns have a say at a parish church? This guy is strange...unless you are talking about a church at a convent.
Oy vey, calm down people.
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOES NOT VIEW COHABITATION AS AN IMPEDIMENT TO MARRIAGE AND THEY ARE NOT ABLE TO REFUSE YOU BASED ON THAT. PERIOD.
THAT, is the "view" of the church. @vmec:That is not "the Catholic way" at all.
ps, The problem is not with cohabitation it's with sex before marriage.
Here's a TON of threads about cohabitation and catholocism.
http://www.weddingbee.com/search/?search=catholic+cohabitation&sa.x=0&sa.y=0&sa=Search
Since couples have a natural and canonical right to marriage, any delay beyond the normal waiting period for all couples is a serious matter. Care must be taken to ensure that delay is not used as a punishment for a couple's continued cohabitation.
@KLP2010 WHOA!!!!! Although it may not fall under "catholic code" I think it's still up to the preist/pastor that's doing the marrying.
As for Christianity and Biblical truth for ALL Christ Followers
1 Thess 5:22 Tells us that we shouldn't do something if it makes it even LOOK like we're sinning.
22Abstain from all appearance of evil. (KJV)
Remember that it's the person of Authority that will get the judgment of a person set to teach in truth not in err
From reading through the posts I think this probably happened through a mis-communiction of the priest asking if they were looking for an apartment w/o the clarifications of the expections of them NOT living together before the I Do's
@amnystik: Since cohabitation is not in itself a canonical impediment to marriage, the couple may not be refused marriage solely on the basis of cohabitation.The Priest (and nuns) have taken vows to be obedient to their bishops and Rome, aka, The authority of the Church. Part of the beauty of the Catholic Church is that we have a rich history and structure of counsels and hierarchy which takes interpretation off one mans shoulders unlike our protestant brothers and sisters who often have only their pastor. Instead of one person being able to change and create rules, (which there are places for minor things) for most things, it has to be within the realm of the churches teachings and there are limits. While they are allowed to show concern, counsel, and request more time for addressing the issue before marriage, they cannot deny it based on cohabitation. Sin of Scandal can come into play with cohabiting couples who remain chaste, however, that's not our place to judge.
I agree, it sounds like miscommunication and I think the OP needs to sit with the priest and have a heart to heart. Unless the church is part of an actual convent, I'm very confused why nuns have the "power" to cancel your wedding.
@Miss Tattoo: often these fee's go to the individual organizations running the event. We did a 2 night 3 day weekend in an oceanfront hotel and it was only like $280 for both of us. Between our catered meals and room fee's, They weren't exactly milking it... That fee went to engaged encounter NOT "The Catholic Church."
Miss Tattoo et al.....(The Catholic church is making a killing off of these couples! I didn't know you had to PAY for pre marriage stuff!
$150 for an 8 hour seminar is not making a killing. Ours was in a rented hall, they provided snacks and lunch, had a booklet and folder made up for each person, videos, AV equipment, and I believe 6-7 speakers. Even if the speakers donated their time, I doubt they even covered the costs involved. Plus the parish would help if you had a true finacial hardship and were unable to pay.
I'm deeply offended that people think the Catholic Church is making a killing of their paritioners. They aren't. People they employ to speak at the events and the food that's served costs money. If you have a serious financial issue, you can speak to your priest and there can be accomdations made.
OP: A priest can't deny you marriage just because you're living together. They can however deny marriage if you have some sort of other impediment as KLP2010 listed. I would sit down with the priest and if you have issue, speak to your Bishop's office. They can show you what issues either you have or send you to another priest.
@beekiss:people who have *decided* that they don't like the Catholic Church like to take any excuse to bash it... :-/
@beekiss agreed
I'm also offended that certain people think 'the catholic church' is making a killing off of couples. 'the catholic curch' is a VERY broad assesment. The fees are used to pay for food, the couples who take whole weekends to teach pre-cana, the hall (if necessary), the booklets couples need, our pre-cana class even had games and prizes. If you're not catholic and haven't gone through it, please don't make judgements.
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