I am getting married July 18, 2009 and am having a difficult time picking my wedding attendants. I have three brothers, and my fiance has one brother and one sister. If he could pick he'd chose his best friend, brother, and one of my brothers who he is close with. He has told me that I can have all three of my brothers in it if i want, but i also don't want a huge wedding party! I sort of want all of my brothers in the wedding because I don't want to offend anyone. One of my brothers has not been supportive of our relationship because I am white and he is hispanic. It has been very difficult, however, I am very close with all three of my brothers. I feel bad just having one out of the three brothers in it. I know that I can have them be ushers, but i feel like that is belittling them! I have three bridesmaids, but i feel like if my fiance includes my three brothers, i should include is 15 year old sister, even though I am not very close with her!
HELP!
Also, I have five young neices! How do I choose a flowergirl?
My mother's oldest brother got married in 1973 and asked his other 2siblings to be in the wedding. My Mom has never forgotten it, and she does not typically hold grudges. I think it is risky to ask some family members and not others.
This is just my opinion, and I don't know what your family dynamic is like, but I would never think to NOT have my 3 siblings in the wedding. We put in my 2 sisters and brother. He has one brother, so we started off with 2 on each side and went from there. Unless neither of your other 2 brothers wants to be a part of the wedding, I'd ask them. I'd also ask your FIs 15 year old sister as a gesture of goodwill towards his family. After all, you'll be related to her after the wedding! Of course, if it makes you uncomfortable at all, don't do it, but I guess I was brought up with the idea that even though you might not always get along with your brothers and sisters, they're family and will be around for the long-haul. That being said, we have 6 BMs and 6 GM (which was NEVER our intention) so we didn't leave anyone out. I'm telling you, having to pick a bridal party is like having to pick your favorite kids... best of luck to you!!!
I also have 3 brothers (no sisters) and FI has one brother. My twin, whom I am the closest to, will be a groomsman, and my older brothers are both doing readings. (FI's twin is the best man.) I feel like everyone is included and no one is left out. Because one of the GMs is "mine" we asked his cousin to be a bridesmaid so one of the bridesmaids was "his". I think your closest brother should be in the wedding, and so should his sister.
I also have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, so I am just having them all in the wedding. (Ages 6, 5, 4, and two 2 year olds). It just seemed easier and more fun! There is no rule that you only get one flowergirl, plus just think of how cute they will all be in their pretty dresses! I think more feelings would be hurt by choosing, so just have all or none.
I definitely think your brothers can be ushers - men are a little diffferent in that they don't get offended as easily as women in the bridemaid situation. I am not sure if leaving out the unsupportive brother completely would cause a difficult family situation but defiitely don't have him up there with you - that just doesn't seem right.
If you think his sister would enjoy being part of the wedding and upset if she is excluded you can make her a junior bridesmaid which just means she shows up and wears a matchingdress.
As for the flowergirls I would ask all your nieces. I was just at a wedding where they had a ton of little girls in poofy white dress walking down the aisle together with wands and petals and it was the cutest thing.
Yeah, I had trouble with my attendants as well. I'm STILL having trouble and I have 11 months to go before the wedding!
I ended up having six attendants on my side. My FI has five. I chose three of my life-long friends (one of whom happens to be my third cousin or something like that, but we've been closer friends than family, if that makes sense) and then I asked my FI's sister and two of my first cousins.
I asked the first cousins for family/political reasons, mainly. I used to be very close with one growing up; the other is my junior bridesmaid because my mother wanted her to be in the wedding...
My FI chose his best friend, one cousin, two close friends and my brother, not because he's close to him, but just because he's my brother. I didn't ask him to, but he scored major points with my mom for doing that.
My dillema came when my FI's mother asked why my FI's female first cousin was not asked to be in the wedding. I had never met the woman in my life and didn't think I had to ask a person to be my bridesmaid if I didn't know her. Well that upset my FMIL until the day came when I did meet my FI's cousin. She completely blew me off, did not say one word to me. After that, my FI laid to rest the ordeal and said that if she was going to treat me like that then no, I did not have to ask her to be in the wedding party.
However, to appease his family, the female first cousin's daughter is going to be the flower girl. Her brother may end up being ring bearer. There's still one other small child in that crew and I have no idea what to do with him, as I can not have just two of the three without upsetting someone..
My point in this is that, to do it over again, I would not have even opened the lines of communication on this issue. I would have had my FI and I select our attendants and left it at that. Weddings can bring out the best AND the worst in family and friends. Just remember that what you decide to do isn't always going to please EVERYONE and that's OK. Just focus on the prize-- being able to say "I do" and spending your life with the man you love. Good luck!
Ummm, we are only including those friends/family members that we actually want to be attendants. We aren't giving consolation jobs either (guest book attendant, usher, reading). I don't think that it's as big a deal as most people want to make it. We included those closest to us, and for the rest of the brothers and sisters, they already know that although we love them like - brothers and sisters - we're not that close. FI's sister is not supportive of our relationship (to put it mildly) and there is no way I would consider including her as other than a guest. I think if you do what you want, in a matter-of-fact way, and don't pose any of it as some kind of slight, nobody in their right mind will take it as one. And if they do, they'll get over it. Of course, I'm not compromising on any of the things that I actually care about - and everybody knows that's how it is. Anyone with questions gets a big hug and gets told "Oh, I'm so sorry. But you know, we just agreed that we really didn't want (a song in the ceremony, a big wedding party, readings by anybody other than the pastor...) You know, we're really looking forward to enjoying the evening with you. And isn't it so much easier to have a good time when you don't have so many responsibilities?"
I have four sisters, one of whom got married last year. She chose only one of us to be a bridesmaid. Two of us did the readings at church, and I was the MC at the reception.
Even though we were not all attendants, we were all part of the wedding! No one was upset or offended in the least (except for a friend of hers, but that's another story). I think bridal parties should be small rather than large.
Unless you've always wanted a big wp, do yourself the favor and keep it small. Even if it means no family and only friends. There is nothing that says you can't do just one on each side with no ushers or flower girls.
One of my good friends, we'll call her Sue, is marrying a cousin with whom I am very close this summer, we'll call him Bill. I am a bridesmaid. His brothers are groomsmen. His sister, however, was not asked to be a bridesmaid as Sue and she are not particularly close. Drama. Tears. Frustration. Drama. More drama. It has been a nightmare. This took a relationship between the two women that was already in need of TLC and absolutely severed any chance of anything beyond cold civility between them for the forseeable future. Needless to say, Sue is wondering why she didn't just suck it up, ask her and avoid all this. If your FH and brother have had tension in the past, it might be best to include him as a sign of respect. It's funny how people get upset about these things. Besides, if your brothers are close to you, you should feel perfectly entitled to include them as you see best fit. Perhaps his sister stands with him and your other brothers stand with you? Get creative, but be sure to include everyone if you feel it may be a problem within your family.
I knew my sister would be devastated so she is my maid of honor and because she lives out of state I asked my FH sister, who I am close with, to be my matron of honor so that she could help out with the planning. My brother has never met my FH so it seemed strange to include him with the groomsmen. My FH is not that close with his brother so we are having both our brothers as ushers so that they will escort their prespective mothers down the aisle. I thought it would be a nice touch for them to have their son walk them down. I also included my FH cousin, who I am also close with, as a bridesmaid when one of mine dropped out. My son will be a year old on 7/18/09!
Cyd - you kind of said it all when you indicate that the relationship was already in need of TLC. My guess is that the sister was looking for something to create a scene about, and it would have happened sooner or later regardless. You can knock yourself out to please everyone, or you can please yourself and be reasonably polite to everyone. If you include someone just because you think they are going to make trouble otherwise, you have just let yourself be manipulated in a big way. The only good long-term way to deal with people who use emotional manipulation like that is to refuse to play their game. Eventually they will learn.
Hi Suzanno - we are in the same boat! I have 2 brothers, one of whom has become good friends with my FI. My FI wants him in the wedding but refuses to have the younger one in it ... due to some racial comments he's made in the presence of my FI (he's black, I'm white). However, him and I are kind of close. As of now, I'm planning on having the younger one be the "head usher" and hope that flies with him and everyone else. He'll wear a tux and have a boutonniere like the groomsmen.
WOW! Thanks for all of the comments! It is a tough decision to make, and I am still trying to make my decision. I don't want to regret it either way!!!
Thanks for all of the advice and input bees!
As for the flowergirls- i think i might just have four in it. One will be too young. I am considering having the oldest -7 - be a ring bearer- still wear the dress but bring down the rings, and then have three little flower girls! What do you guys think?
My mother's oldest brother got married in 1973 and asked his other 2siblings to be in the wedding. My Mom has never forgotten it, and she does not typically hold grudges. I think it is risky to ask some family members and not others.
posted by ErinMarieMack 263 posts 5 months agoinclude friends only.
posted by V 228 posts 5 months agowe are only including friends in our wedding party with the exception of my cousin who everyone understands is one of my best friends...
to include my brother we made him an usher along with another cousin....neither of them cared as they don't like all the attention anyway...
you could also have them do readings or give a special toast...
it seems like it'd be safest to keep all family members out and stand your ground about it...
posted by meelahj 116 posts 5 months agoThis is just my opinion, and I don't know what your family dynamic is like, but I would never think to NOT have my 3 siblings in the wedding. We put in my 2 sisters and brother. He has one brother, so we started off with 2 on each side and went from there. Unless neither of your other 2 brothers wants to be a part of the wedding, I'd ask them. I'd also ask your FIs 15 year old sister as a gesture of goodwill towards his family. After all, you'll be related to her after the wedding! Of course, if it makes you uncomfortable at all, don't do it, but I guess I was brought up with the idea that even though you might not always get along with your brothers and sisters, they're family and will be around for the long-haul. That being said, we have 6 BMs and 6 GM (which was NEVER our intention) so we didn't leave anyone out. I'm telling you, having to pick a bridal party is like having to pick your favorite kids... best of luck to you!!!
posted by ktdid23 105 posts 5 months agoI also have 3 brothers (no sisters) and FI has one brother. My twin, whom I am the closest to, will be a groomsman, and my older brothers are both doing readings. (FI's twin is the best man.) I feel like everyone is included and no one is left out. Because one of the GMs is "mine" we asked his cousin to be a bridesmaid so one of the bridesmaids was "his". I think your closest brother should be in the wedding, and so should his sister.
I also have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, so I am just having them all in the wedding. (Ages 6, 5, 4, and two 2 year olds). It just seemed easier and more fun! There is no rule that you only get one flowergirl, plus just think of how cute they will all be in their pretty dresses! I think more feelings would be hurt by choosing, so just have all or none.
posted by guinness257 51 posts 5 months agoI definitely think your brothers can be ushers - men are a little diffferent in that they don't get offended as easily as women in the bridemaid situation. I am not sure if leaving out the unsupportive brother completely would cause a difficult family situation but defiitely don't have him up there with you - that just doesn't seem right.
If you think his sister would enjoy being part of the wedding and upset if she is excluded you can make her a junior bridesmaid which just means she shows up and wears a matchingdress.
As for the flowergirls I would ask all your nieces. I was just at a wedding where they had a ton of little girls in poofy white dress walking down the aisle together with wands and petals and it was the cutest thing.
posted by vyeta7 170 posts 5 months agoYeah, I had trouble with my attendants as well. I'm STILL having trouble and I have 11 months to go before the wedding!
I ended up having six attendants on my side. My FI has five. I chose three of my life-long friends (one of whom happens to be my third cousin or something like that, but we've been closer friends than family, if that makes sense) and then I asked my FI's sister and two of my first cousins.
I asked the first cousins for family/political reasons, mainly. I used to be very close with one growing up; the other is my junior bridesmaid because my mother wanted her to be in the wedding...
My FI chose his best friend, one cousin, two close friends and my brother, not because he's close to him, but just because he's my brother. I didn't ask him to, but he scored major points with my mom for doing that.
My dillema came when my FI's mother asked why my FI's female first cousin was not asked to be in the wedding. I had never met the woman in my life and didn't think I had to ask a person to be my bridesmaid if I didn't know her. Well that upset my FMIL until the day came when I did meet my FI's cousin. She completely blew me off, did not say one word to me. After that, my FI laid to rest the ordeal and said that if she was going to treat me like that then no, I did not have to ask her to be in the wedding party.
However, to appease his family, the female first cousin's daughter is going to be the flower girl. Her brother may end up being ring bearer. There's still one other small child in that crew and I have no idea what to do with him, as I can not have just two of the three without upsetting someone..
My point in this is that, to do it over again, I would not have even opened the lines of communication on this issue. I would have had my FI and I select our attendants and left it at that. Weddings can bring out the best AND the worst in family and friends. Just remember that what you decide to do isn't always going to please EVERYONE and that's OK. Just focus on the prize-- being able to say "I do" and spending your life with the man you love. Good luck!
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 5 months agoUmmm, we are only including those friends/family members that we actually want to be attendants. We aren't giving consolation jobs either (guest book attendant, usher, reading). I don't think that it's as big a deal as most people want to make it. We included those closest to us, and for the rest of the brothers and sisters, they already know that although we love them like - brothers and sisters - we're not that close. FI's sister is not supportive of our relationship (to put it mildly) and there is no way I would consider including her as other than a guest. I think if you do what you want, in a matter-of-fact way, and don't pose any of it as some kind of slight, nobody in their right mind will take it as one. And if they do, they'll get over it. Of course, I'm not compromising on any of the things that I actually care about - and everybody knows that's how it is. Anyone with questions gets a big hug and gets told "Oh, I'm so sorry. But you know, we just agreed that we really didn't want (a song in the ceremony, a big wedding party, readings by anybody other than the pastor...) You know, we're really looking forward to enjoying the evening with you. And isn't it so much easier to have a good time when you don't have so many responsibilities?"
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 5 months agoI have four sisters, one of whom got married last year. She chose only one of us to be a bridesmaid. Two of us did the readings at church, and I was the MC at the reception.
Even though we were not all attendants, we were all part of the wedding! No one was upset or offended in the least (except for a friend of hers, but that's another story). I think bridal parties should be small rather than large.
posted by EricaBlonde 11 posts 5 months agoUnless you've always wanted a big wp, do yourself the favor and keep it small. Even if it means no family and only friends. There is nothing that says you can't do just one on each side with no ushers or flower girls.
posted by nickyt 42 posts 5 months agoI have to say...include the family. Here is why:
One of my good friends, we'll call her Sue, is marrying a cousin with whom I am very close this summer, we'll call him Bill. I am a bridesmaid. His brothers are groomsmen. His sister, however, was not asked to be a bridesmaid as Sue and she are not particularly close. Drama. Tears. Frustration. Drama. More drama. It has been a nightmare. This took a relationship between the two women that was already in need of TLC and absolutely severed any chance of anything beyond cold civility between them for the forseeable future. Needless to say, Sue is wondering why she didn't just suck it up, ask her and avoid all this. If your FH and brother have had tension in the past, it might be best to include him as a sign of respect. It's funny how people get upset about these things. Besides, if your brothers are close to you, you should feel perfectly entitled to include them as you see best fit. Perhaps his sister stands with him and your other brothers stand with you? Get creative, but be sure to include everyone if you feel it may be a problem within your family.
P.S. I am also getting married 7.18.09!
posted by Cyd 83 posts 5 months agoI knew my sister would be devastated so she is my maid of honor and because she lives out of state I asked my FH sister, who I am close with, to be my matron of honor so that she could help out with the planning. My brother has never met my FH so it seemed strange to include him with the groomsmen. My FH is not that close with his brother so we are having both our brothers as ushers so that they will escort their prespective mothers down the aisle. I thought it would be a nice touch for them to have their son walk them down. I also included my FH cousin, who I am also close with, as a bridesmaid when one of mine dropped out. My son will be a year old on 7/18/09!
posted by angee524 61 posts 5 months agoCyd - you kind of said it all when you indicate that the relationship was already in need of TLC. My guess is that the sister was looking for something to create a scene about, and it would have happened sooner or later regardless. You can knock yourself out to please everyone, or you can please yourself and be reasonably polite to everyone. If you include someone just because you think they are going to make trouble otherwise, you have just let yourself be manipulated in a big way. The only good long-term way to deal with people who use emotional manipulation like that is to refuse to play their game. Eventually they will learn.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 5 months agoHi Suzanno - we are in the same boat! I have 2 brothers, one of whom has become good friends with my FI. My FI wants him in the wedding but refuses to have the younger one in it ... due to some racial comments he's made in the presence of my FI (he's black, I'm white). However, him and I are kind of close. As of now, I'm planning on having the younger one be the "head usher" and hope that flies with him and everyone else. He'll wear a tux and have a boutonniere like the groomsmen.
posted by jeninrva 42 posts 5 months agoWOW! Thanks for all of the comments! It is a tough decision to make, and I am still trying to make my decision. I don't want to regret it either way!!!
Thanks for all of the advice and input
bees!
As for the flowergirls- i think i might just have four in it. One will be too young. I am considering having the oldest -7 - be a ring bearer- still wear the dress but bring down the rings, and then have three little flower girls! What do you guys think?
posted by tiffelise 6 posts 5 months ago