Weddingbee boards

Hi all! I just joined the site, and I'm looking to all of you other bees to help with some blues...

My FI and I dated pretty briefly before we got engaged. My mother and father were less than delighted to hear the news, which I can understand. However, my mother has become increasingly hostile towards the wedding and all but trashes the wedding when she gets an opportunity. If my mother and I were accustomed to having a tough relationship I could understand, but we were always the best of friends beforehand. Now, my FI and I have had some issues in the past, issues I talked through with my mother, but I now know in all certainty that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I want us to have the most beautiful wedding ever with, hopefully, great support from friends and family. 

I don't have too many friends, but my best friend (and MOH) is sort of coming at this from the same angle as my mother. FMIL and FFIL, however, are absolutely elated about the wedding. This is a great base for support, but a part of me hates that I'm sharing all of my wedding decisions with my FI's family instead of my own. I'm happy with my decision, but I feel like it's coming with the risk of literally tearing my family apart. 

What can I do? Am I totally helpless?

I suppose I had a history of dating men that were a little bit "needier" than others -- not that I sought them out by any means; I just know how much it means to be able to nurture someone and I do my best. My FI and I dated only two months before we got engaged. I know this is very, very extreme, and I know my mother saw this as a warning flag. We're having a 17-month long engagement, which I felt would be enough time to let the feelings settle, but I suppose not. Instead I'm being bombarded with accusations of not being responsible, being too young, etc. I'm just so surprised at such a heated reaction from someone who is normally so level-headed! (And I have been able to talk to her face-to-face, and that's when the accusations fly and I end up in tears). 

Thanks for responding, melisslp!

@melisslp - A big strain is that FI and I come from TOTALLY different kinds of families... His family is very open-armed and welcoming, whereas mine is loyal but reserved and very slow to make any judgments. My brother just got married last October to a girl he dated for 5 years, and my mother admitted she's still not even sure about them! I want to say my mother's just lost it and there's no hope, but I know she's got valid points and I don't want to give up on what should be the most exciting time of my/our lives.

@MissShork -- I totally understand that and appreciate your point of view. I know if it was my daughter, I would be apprehensive too. I think that, for me, I see this as a threat to our relationship because, at a certain point, you'd think there'd be a realization on her part along the lines of "Well, nothing I say can change the reality of this, so I suppose I'd better smile and nod." Instead, I just get curtness and hostility.

How did your brother's engagement work out? Was your family eventually able to come to terms with the engagement?

@pinkshoes: I completely understand, and it's a totally valid point. Thanks for your honesty :)

@MissShork: Is there anything your brother could have done or said before or after the wedding to make the situation any better?

Sticky situation for sure. Do you and your FI spend a lot of time with your family? I apologize if you have already addressed this but the more time you spend with them, the more time they have to get to know him and to get to know the two of you as a couple. Your mom might just be feeling left out, and knowing that you aren't discussing the wedding decisions with your family as much as your FI's family might be making the situation worse (unless she doesn't know that).

My mom is my brother's stepmom and when he was planning his wedding, she felt really left out because my brother wasn't really sharing many of the details with her and my dad. My parents got married when he was 10 so she has been in his life for over 20 years. They just felt left out and wanted to be a part of it. They also didn't know his fiancee very well since they only dated for about a year. She just wanted the chance to get to know her future daughter-in-law and share in the joy.

It is nice that they are concerned about you because it means they love you very much. Weddings are so trick because you can't make everyone happy but you want it to be just as happy for your family as it will be for you. I am sure that the more they get to know him, the more receptive your family will be to the idea.

Difficult situation for sure...

fast engagements certainly can put family and friends on edge...those of us who have been around the block a little longer and farther than you have may have concerns about the quickness...relationships almost always start off hot and heavy, emotions are high and hope and optimism are high, as time passes, the real nitty gritty of life comes back; compatibility shows itself, feelings of real love appear, and emotions run deeper than the early feelings.

These are perhaps the reasons people around you are reacting the way they are, out of love and concern for you, to make sure you are sure for the rest of your life, to make sure you don't get hurt, to make sure you will wake up the day after and not say "what have I done?"

If indeed the feelings you have for this man are true and real for the long run, then everything else will fall into place because those people who love you will know and sense that it is all good.

Patience is all that is needed in this scenario.

Good luck!  :)