(Closed) Wedding Budget & In-laws

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4355 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand how you feel because SO’s family is quite wealthy and mine is much like yours. I would put my foot down, no offense to the new family and it wouldn’t be a personal thing but I couldn’t put my family through that. It’s YOUR wedding not theirs, tell them to cool it and take the planning into your own hands. If they are so hell bent on this elaborate wedding then why wouldn’t they assume more then 50% of costs. They should be considering your parents in all of this, it sounds like they are being selfish.

Post # 4
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would say, “Look, my family can afford to contribute this much. If you want to match that, or give more, that’s fine, but they can’t go above that.” Let your in laws pay more if they’re the ones who want a more elaborate wedding.

Post # 6
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe you and your FH need to step up and contribute from your own funds to help take the pinch off of your parents.

Post # 7
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

So your in laws are communicating to your parents that they want xyz and your parents are going along with it? Or you’re passing the message along to your parents that your inlaws want xyz?

Post # 8
Member
46135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The first task may still be for you and your FI to get on the same page. You say you’ve fought over this a lot. Does he now agree with you and support you in your desire to scale down the wedding expectations?  If so, great. If not, then I see that as the first step. Sit down together and work out what the two of you really want-not what someone else wants. That may take some compromising on both parts. Work out your budget.

Next, meet with  your parents and find out how much they are willing to contribute. Make sure they know that you appreciate their support but you want them to be realistic about their financial commitment.

After that, meet with his parents. Enlighten them about the new reality of your wedding vision. Let them know that you appreciated all their support, but felt like things were getting off track and that you have re-grouped to have the wedding you want as a couple. Ask them to commit to helping you attain your vision.

 

Post # 10
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You need to let your in-laws and your FI know that there is a limit to the amount of money your family can contribute.  If his family wants to contribute more, then they can do that, but not if you are not comfortable with the extravagent event.

You and your FI need to be communicating and compromising on this, and your parents are going to have to understand that it isn’t them being ‘cheap’ if they put a limit on their contribution. 

Post # 11
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would see what your parents feel is a reasonable amount to contribute. You’re actually pretty close, so I assume you already have the venue already. Then, tell your fiance, $X is how much we have to work with. And if his parents want more, then they can pay for it. You’re in a hard spot though–my parents and his are similar in financial situations and they both offered the same amount, which made everything easier, and we paid for any extra.

You must have a good sense of the budget already–you’re going to have to put your foot down. Parents do want to keep “face” with the other side, but it sounds like the difference is too big between your two sides.

Post # 12
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You need to put your foot down with your parents and your in laws. It’s not fair for your parents to agree to paying a certain amount, and then to guilt you about it. So I would decide with them how much they’re comfortable paying and tell that amount to the in laws, and that’s that.

Post # 13
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I would say that you and your fiance chip and pay a portion to ease the burden on your parents. 

Perhaps i have a different view though as my fiance and I are paying for 60% of the wedding ourselves.  His parents are paying waaay more than my mom, but I know she is contributing what she can (and my fiance understands that too).  What she lacks in the financial contribution she has more than made up for in support (now and through the years).  taking us to vendor meetings, helping make various things for the wedding etc.

Post # 15
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@TG20: So then let your inlaws know that your parents can only pay up to a certain amount and that’s that. They’re not going to go into your parents’ pockets to take out more, lol.

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@TG20: Sounds like it’s time for some honest, open communication.  Sit down with your fiance and speak about the elephant in the room…  Actually share roughly how much your parents make and how many years they’ve saved for this wedding.  Tell your fiance you loved them too much to allow them to sacrifice their retirement for one day, simply in order to “keep up with the Jones.”  Then decide together whether you will: 1) Chip in more to cover your parents share, 2) Downscale the wedding.  Then TOGETHER approach his parents and lay out again the situation.  Perhaps not how much your parents make exactly, but tell them what you said to us, that they are [school teachers/police officers/etc] that have saved for years to make this dream a reality and that they want to do their part, but you know it’s too much of a burden for one day.  If you’ve decided option 1, then tell them that you have to stick to the budget.  If 2, tell them you have to downscale the wedding (or as one reader suggested, allow them to cover a greater percentage of the wedding).  Say that you very much appreciate their generosity in in paying 50%, but it’s gotten to the point where your parents are sacrificing (retirement/other kids education or weddings/fill in blank) and that as a loving daughter, it hurts you to see that happen.  You could always try giving them a copy of Father of the Bride, if you think that they will be amused/not offended/get the point.

Really this is first about getting on the same page with your fiance.  Then it’s about holding firm to what you decide.  Honestly, imho, your parents should set a figure they can afford (e.g. 10K, 20k, etc.) and then tell his parents that if they want something different (e.g. bigger & better), they’ll have to cover *everything* over that sum.  The 50/50 split just sounds like it’s trouble.

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