Post # 1
I’m starting to regret my wedding planning right now…
I got duped into this whole idea that I should save and save and then spend big bucks on our wedding. We are having a destination wedding and my family is contributing, but even with their help, we are putting in thousands and thousands of dollars towards this wedding.
FI sat down with me the other day and said that if not for spending this kind of money on our wedding, we could be having children right now, which he knows is a hot topic for me. Seems like our wedding is now (in my mind) out of hand…I thought I wanted to splurge the money, and now I know in the back of my head that we could be in a whole other place if not for it. I’m regretting all of my plans and I’m so upset.
If I backpetal on this, then my family will be upset and I lose deposits. If I move forward with it, I might regret spending the $ and delaying children for another year and a half. I feel awful. How do I get myself to feel better about all of this?
Post # 3
@destinwed: How much deposit would you lose? and how much more do you have to spend? Could you trim down the plans without losing ALL the deposits?
I am definitely a big proponent on small less stressful weddings. I guess i’m just not that type of girl…. I don’t look back on my wedding and say “it was all worth it”…. I see stress, money and regrets. The ONLY good thing i got out of it was i’m now a MRS and i’m someones wife….. and that i could have gotten a lot easier. Its behind me so its whatever at this point but i wish i would have done things ALOT differently.
Post # 4
@destinwed: You have to follow your bliss lady, and if you thought a big lavish wedding was the ticket, and realize now that it isn’t…you call those vendors and your parents and tell them that there’s a new plan, and that’s that.
Just make sure this is what YOU want….and not because you feel guilty about it, not because your FI threw the kid factor into to…but because its what you want.
Post # 5
Honestly, this is the here and now… and if you spend too much time dwelling on the money. I can promise you, that’s what you will be thinking about during your wedding… and it really wont be worth it.
Relax and tell youself… This is your wedding. This is the chance you get to have a wedding. Years from now you will reflect on this as your wedding. You children/grandchildren will see pictures of your wedding. It’s a memory. And it may postpone kids for a bit. But kids will come and money will come back.. but this memory will be irreplaceable. Relax and enjoy. In a few years the money lost will be irrelevant.
Post # 6
I’m unclear what, exactly you’re thinking about doing. Canceling the whole things and doing a JOP? Scaling back the invite list? Cutting some things and getting cheaper versions of some things?
I’m all for going the cheaper route on most things. I approached each wedding cost with the question of “Is this really worth this much money”. Consequently, our wedding came in significantly under budget.
On the other hand, I don’t, for one second, regret the money we spent on our wedding. It was important to me to celebrate with all my friends and family. Yes, it’s a lot of money, but for us it was well worth it.
All that being said, you just have to decide if it’s worth it to you. Don’t let kids be some carrot that is dangling before you. But think about your finaces as a whole and your future life as a whole. And if it’s worth it to you to save the amount you could at this point, then there’s nothing wrong with changing your plans.
Post # 7
You got pulled in to the idea that weddings should cost a lot of money…don’t get pulled in to the idea that you need to be rich to have a kid! Yes, it would be preferable to be financially stable and debt free. No, you don’t need to enroll in Baby & Mom yoga, or have the 2000$ stroller, or the 20000$ college savings fund. I have a few friends who grew up with a little less money (their mum cleaned houses, or they remember a time when the cupboards were empty, or they never went on fancy vacations), but they were raised in stable, loving homes and grew to be responsible adults. As kids grow older, their needs eventually become more expensive, but it seems like you alreayd know how to budget and save.
Post # 8
@destinwed: I think it is kind of wrong for your FI to throw in the kid factor. Did he originally agree/object to the budget? It takes two to get married and he could have spoke up in the beginning. I think it’s kind of messed up to guilt trip you in any way about the money spent/could have had kids.
You two should talk and discuss expectations. Perhaps you can scale back and still have the destination wedding, and save some money. Then it will position you financially to feel more comfortable about having children.
Post # 9
@destinwed: I’m sure you’ve seen this floaing around Facebook, but this really came to my mind:
Top 5 regrets of the Dying
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
To me that kind of answers it, “Do I do what feels good for my life or do I do what my family expects even though it makes me ill to think about it?” You have to be true to yourselves in the end.
Post # 10
FI made it clear that he would’ve married in a cardboard box if I OK’d it. He knew I wanted a destination wedding in Italy and he was good with it. It was me who wanted to spend more $ for the wedding in the beginning…
Yeah he is kinda dangling the “kid” thing like a carrot because he knows how much I want kids and that I’ve got this “over 30” syndrome…I’ll have to call him out on that tonight.
There were some things that we promised to our families that we would help with. I might have to break those promises, and I hate to be that person.
Post # 11
While I certainly don’t think you need a lot of money for kids, DH and I did scale back our wedding plans by 50%. Sure, it pissed off my mother (who expected a fancy wedding), but in the end…. giving myself more savings and a better financial life was way, WAYYYYY more important that a couple of hurt feelings.
That being said, I cut back on things that guests would not notice. A downgraded appetizer. Less flowers. Cheaper wedding programs. Few details. I kept the things that would keep the guests comfortable relatively the same. It does sound like you have some more tricky things with it comes to destination wedding. If you can be more specific with where you originally allocated money, we can help.
Post # 12
FYI, I read through some of your other posts. What you have envisioned for your wedding is NOT easy. Italy is easily much more expensive than many other parts of the world. My DH and I have collectively traveled to 60+ countries and we would not touch Italy unless we’re rich, we can go to Southeast Asia or South America on the same budget.
Paying for your guests airfare and lodging is beyond generous. And when you plan a destination wedding, the backlash you receive is the downside of a destination wedding. Think again about the kind of life you want, the kind of memories you want from your wedding and go from there. If you want everyone there, then I can see you’ll have some difficulties. If you’re happy with the people who can afford and choose to attend on their own volition, I think that is perfectly reasonable. I love, love, love my family. However, if it’s my own money at stake – and I’m just a super practical person – if a destination wedding is going to be hard on my finances, it’s not worth doing it. It’s not worth the stress. And you also have that sibling rivalry going on with your sister, it sucks, it does sound like all these factors are just creating difficulties for you.
Have the wedding you love, not the wedding that people expect.
Post # 13
Thanks for the replies. We had decided to downgrade on how much airfare to contribute for people, and we are thinking of taking the lodging off the list too (except for certain unemployed relatives). This will help a bit with the savings, but I KNOW I will hear backlash from my family on it.
I love my family, but recently they’ve been really disappointing and its a constant battle. I’ve always wanted to get married in Italy. I don’t want to give up on that dream. Plus my family is so huge – if we had the wedding here in NY, it would cost pretty much the same.
My family is a bunch of loud mouth people – and I know they will be ripping on me. They already gave me an earful on the destination wedding idea. Any other things you think I could cut back on? I’m gonna have to have a big skype sit-down with my wedding planner.
Post # 14
@destinwed: Why not just elope to Italy and then have a casual reception when you get home? That way your family won’t gripe about the travel and you can still have your wedding in Italy without breaking the bank.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@destinwed: You’re paying to fly people to Italy…. then paying for them to lodge there? That is really generous of you but incredibly financially foolish. People can’t expect you to do that… unless you’ve already told them you are.
If I were you I would not pay for any of that. This might mean people can’t attend but at least that way your guest list will much much smaller. Sounds harsh but you had to expect that going in, having a wedding in Europe. I’ve heard Italy is one of the most expensive places to travel these days.
That’s probably the biggest way to cut down!
It’s all about priorities 🙂
Post # 16
sorry to hear your going through this coming from a budget bride only spending 4k here i think doing all the diy stuff makes a wedding special knowing you put your own touch on it i mean if you have the money and want to spend it then thats fine but if your regretting it i would cut back and have a less expensive wedding to be honest even at my budget im getting pretty much all the things i wanted and the extra money we save can go towards thing for our future like kids in the end you shouldnt listen to what others what you need to do what you want!