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Despite your mother's interference, it sounds like your gut instinct was to call off the wedding until things can be sorted out. It sounds like you want to work things out with your FI but a lot of things need to happen so that it will work. I'm glad that you are seeking counseling. Hopefully this will help your relationship with your mom as well as with your FI. Best of luck.
You had no problem with the issues until your mother called your attention to them? And you just called off the wedding without talking to your FI?
Wow, even though your mom very clearly expressed a dislike of your FI and obviously was against you getting married, you believed her right away and didn't even talk to your FI about this before cancelling your wedding?
I think you made a terrible, terrible mistake that will be VERY hard to make right again, and I wouldn't be surprised if it ruined your relationship.
I'm a bit confused...ARE there issues with your FI? Or did your mother just make things up and you called off the wedding?
Either way, I think you need to sit down with you FI and have a talk with him. I would be pretty upset if DH had called of the wedding without even talking with me about it because one of his parents had said something about me.
It sounds like there is a lot of tension between both mothers and you both, maybe this is something that should be addressed.
I'm just curious, you say hes 15 years old than you, how old are you?
I'm sorry but maybe this is for the best... It sounds like thre is alot to sort out without adding a marriage to it. Notice, I said marriage, not wedding. This is a lot more work than just saying I do.
Let's review. You have problems with a) both of your living situations b)money c)your families thinking you're not good together c)you both letting your mothers interfere in your life d)parenting e)communication and trust
Ooh, just gave myself a headache thinking about it. Go through the counseling and take some time to figure things out. Marriage should be a serious lifetime commitment that frankly you seem not to be ready for. There are too many red flags for you to get married just because you are "in love".
Sit him down and explain to him that no wedding doesn't mean that you don't love him but that you guys need to get it right so it can last forever. Good luck
I think based on what you're saying here, you maybe did exactly the right thing calling off the wedding. 15 years is a HUGE age difference, and it doesn't matter so much when you think 32 to 47 (which is still a lot), but matters a WHOLE lot when you're say 20 and he's 35. I also think the two of you living with your parents, is a sign that maybe the timing isn't right, and marrying a guy with kids, especially children with special needs, is a huge undertaking and should not be done lightly. I think based on your post (and you could just be upset/excited) it sounds like you have a little growing up to. I'm not saying this can never happen with this guy, but that maybe you're right to go to counseling, get a job, save some money, move into your own place (ie. make some adult decisons on your own) and then re-examine things regarding marriage with him. Good luck!
reading this i say its a good thing you didnt marry him - you still have alot of growing up to do for yourself and i think you need to learn to be your own person first
going into a marriage where you are already unhappy (you are unhappy with his mommas boy complex and have issues with his son, money concerns and school pressure) is not a good thing, these problems do not resolve themselves or get better just because you signed the wedding certificate - you both need to be on the same page if you are going to make it work
by the sounds of it you were running into marriage to escape your mom then running away from the wedding to escape other issues
i can also say that if someone told me a load of dirt about the person i love, the person i love so much i was going to marry them i would face my FI and ask him directly before i made such a huge decision as leaving him - you didnt, another example of how you are not ready to deal with issues maturely
as far as his mom "having the nerve to" trash you on FB, well you broke her sons heart, dumped him at the alter, publically humiliated him - what did you expect?? and its FB btw, who the **** cares what people post on FB
Honestly, i think this is for the best. You seem not mature enough for marriage quite yet. If you are this easily manipulated by your mother, you have a lot to do before you're ready to be married.
*****CLASSIC******* example of how you can't live for other people. Not even your mom. So your mom was able to find out these "secret" things about your FI right before your wedding that you were unaware of after dating him for 3 1/2 yrs and being engaged for 2 (right?) And a wedding she has been against for months? What would lead you to think they were true? And there seems to be absolutely no communication between you and your ex FI. I agree with the other posters, your gut must have told you something different because no one could come in at the very last possible minute and persuade me not to marry my FI. I love that guy more than I have ever loved in my life! And especially someone I KNEW disagreed with the relationship in the first place. I would say try to talk to ex FI with an open mind, but give him some space and time. The ball is in his court as to how the relationship progresses forward.
I agree with everything @eloping: and @DazedFiancee: said. The relationship had a lot of serious unresolved issues, notwithstanding the problems caused by your mom's meddling. Neither of you sound like people who are ready and able to begin a successful marriage at this point in your lives.
Perhaps it's for the best that you finish school, start your career, and gain some independence and sense of self before you reconsider marriage - whether with your FI or someone else.
i totally agree with these ladies @DazedFiancee: @eloping: @jayce:
i'm sorry everything happened so dramatically and right before the wedding, but it might be for the best. focus on YOURSELF for a little while and then reevaluate things.
I totally get the impulse to blame your mom, but your decision to call off the wedding was YOURS. A wedding is not a marriage - I think if you felt that your FI was lying to you, or could be lying and you took your mom's side instead of taking your FI's side, it's because you know deep down that something isn't right and were not ready to make that lifetime commitment - which is okay. You should only get married if you are 10000000% certain of what you are doing. Do you feel that after the time you've been dating that there might be serious things from his past that he hasn't told you?
My husband is 16 years older than me, and I've always dated older men (most 10+ years older than me). As someone who has dealt with several older men lol, take this for what you will: If a man is in his mid 30's, or older, and living with parents, thats a huge red flag. If he has a child he isn't in regular/healthy contact with and isn't fighting to change that, that's another red flag. If you feel he hides $$ or isn't open about that (or credit/past $$ issues, etc), thats another red flag. If you feel like a "3rd wheel" dealing with his mom, that's a huge red flag - you two were/are a family, that should come first.
@gabrielleelise1981: I agree!
To the OP, there's just a little too much red flags going up here. I definitely think you should evaluate your situation and use this time apart to figure out the best way forward.
All the best.
I am so sorry to hear that you are so upset. I do agree with the other bees that this is most likely for the best. You both have medling mother, a HUGE 15 year age difference, live at home, financial issues, DWI's(on his side, thats a deal breakeer for me, and i mean ever), and you have issues with his son. Most of those are not changable(like son, and mothers). I would try counseling. Good Luck
Deathbydesign simply stated that you will have a difficult time "righting" this. And, she's right. It's not going to come easy and don't be surprised if your guy doubts you and often. I think that this will always be in the back of this guy's mind. I know if this happened to me, it would always be there to haunt me, too. You can't tell me that it won't always be in the back of your mind, too.
I'd like to know why these issues, which you say you knew about, didn't bother you before? It took your mother to bring it to your attention to have them bother you? And why were you so rash? Why didn't you talk it out with your SO instead of flying off the handle. I'm sure you left him extremely confused. God knows I'm confused as to why you let one discussion with your mother end your wedding instead of discussing it with your SO.
@ashleykaye15 I put myself in your ex FI's shoes. I would be incredibly hurt beyond description if my long time partner, whom I trusted and loved for years, freaked out over some lie her mom told her, didn't even discuss it with me and up and cancelled our wedding 2 days beforehand. If I were him, this wouldn't be something you could just apologize for, it would take months to fix the damage you did and even then I probably would have trouble trusting you from then on. I think you can anticipate that your SO will not get over this easily. If I were him, I would be done with the relationship after a stunt like that. So, no. I wouldn't be surprised if it ruined your relationship.
I agree with all the PPs. I think it all happened for the best. Neither of you are ready for marriage. There are many longstanding problems that have not been dealt with, and perhaps you did jump to conclusions at your mom's lie because you knew in the back of your head that this wasn't right. In any case, it'd be great if you could bandage up this relationship and make it better, but I think it is definitely going to be an upwards battle.
We all have a past, we all have skeletons...and its no ones right to go digging!
*Tsk Tsk*
Might as well move back in with your parents and let her do the rest of it for you!
@DeathByDesign: Agreed. And as for the mom posting stuff on facebook? Facebook = tacky, but I know if my SO did that to me? Two days before? Without discussion? Based on a LIE? She would have some very choice words for him.
why do I get the feeling she is under 18?
And if I'm wrong, (and I'm not trying to be mean or rude) But based on what I'm hearing, not mature AT ALL mentally. To let your mother make a lifelong decision for you ... wow, never!!!
And if the FI is 15 yrs older ... then he's probably level headed enough to realize how young mentally you are for allowing your mother to make such a strong decision (or, I'm sorry, how you just believed her without asking your FI and up and cancelled a wedding 2 days beforehand). Crazy man, absolutely crazy. That type of irrationalization is usually only done by teenagers because they are not mentally strong enough (yet) to handle a decision regardless of how strong their emotions are.
Truth? You have a lot of work to do. You can keep telling him how much you love him, and he can keep telling you the same (and it may even be true!!!) But, love is NOT THE ONLY THING that makes a marriage right. You fall in love many times within your life ... so what makes "the one" ... well, "the one"???
The fact that nothing else in this world matters other than "the one" (and that includes your mothers lies, etc). Think about that ... and good luck.
I'm just wondering what responsibility you feel you have in this situation? There is a lot of blame you've thrown towards your mother but I would have thought that you have also allowed yourself to be controlled. You didn't talk to your FI but impulsively called the wedding off.
Do you trust that your mother is concerned about you and cares for you?
Do you trust that your FI has been honest with you?
It surprises me that you're outraged by your FMIL - from what you've posted, it seems pretty normal she'd want to trash you for calling off her son's wedding before even discussing the situation.
The impulsivity and confusion suggests to me you are not mature enough yet for marriage.
What @deathbydesign: said may have sounded harsh, but she's right. I can't even conceive of a situation where a healthy relationship two days away from the wedding could be destroyed by a few words from a meddling third party.
You already had doubts about his trustworthiness or else you would not have been so quick to believe your mother, especially when you know she dislikes him and wants him out of the picture. If that's all it took for you to jump ship, I seriously doubt your relationship is strong enough for a lifetime commitment.
It looks like you're using your mother as a scapegoat to avoid feeling any responsibility for your own part in this. You can't just "undo" this kind of mistake, as you say. The issues you have with trusting him, and surely the issues he has now with trusting you, those take years to fully repair. The fact that you don't realize this speaks volumes about your lack of maturity and experience.
And I think @gabrielleelise1981: raises some really good points. Either you're still a teenager (RED FLAG) or he's middle aged and still dependent on his mother (RED FLAG) or both.
I know it's hard to hear but I think you're much better off without him, at least while you finish growing up and getting to know yourself better.
To me, the key is that this is the second time the wedding has been cancelled/postponed due to your mother's influence over you. I think you and your FI need some time apart to do some thinking on your own. And your fiance will have to take the lead on whether or not he wants to work it out with you.
@ashleykaye15: So wait...you called off the wedding based on what your mother said? You didn't ask him about it? You are an adult right? Don't let your mother control your life.
Yeah, I'm curious for an update as well, esp about how old the OP is because I also agree that that may make this a little more understandable.
@JrzyGurl: ditto
Although the number you might tell us doesnt really matter, either way it seems you are unfortunatley lacking the maturity to have a long term relationship liek marriage. Its..life long (i know there is divorce) but you cancelled your WEDDING to the man you say you love bc of something someone randomly said...and from what you have said...this is a reoccuring thing....meaning you and your mom have fought about him before. So why was this fight the straw?
I dont know you but I want only the best for everyone. your choice to leave your FI was obviosuly hard as you are upset about it. I can only suggest trying to talk to him and distancing yourself from both his and your family (more importantly yours).
@menobride: have to agree
sounds like the best thing to do was call it off..i do not think you are emotionally ready for marriage - you and FI have A LOT of things to discuss.
all i can think about after reading that is "his poor son" i know what its like to live with someone with a disability (my sister is mentally challenged) - his son doesnt need help - its not a curable disease or problem to overcome like alcholism or drug abuse- he is who he is and there is no changing that - what he needs is people who understand his disablilty - education on aspergers would be great for you, espcially since he would be your stepson.
I think the best way to move forward would be for each of you to live separately, support yourselves and get in a healthy place- financially and mentally.
A few big issues that stand out to me in your post are: $$, living arrangements (sorry, but what guy, with a child and 15years older than you, so I'm assuming 30ish? still lives at home with his mom?), and each of your relationships with your moms need focus and work BEFORE a wedding and marriage.
It's easy to be caught up in the excitement of planning a wedding (we all know how that feels!) but the best marriages survive and flourish when started on a strong foundation. I think you need to work on building that before committing your life to someone else.
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Okay this is going to be long and crazy but I'll try to condense as much as possible.
Fi & I had been together 3 1/2 yrs engaged for right at 2 was suppose to get married Sat but I called it off on Thurs and I regret it with a passion and now he's so hurt and shocked he will barely speak to me.
Okay story here he's 15 years older than me which my parents esp my overbearing mother hates. She kept crying and trying to maniuplate me into not marrying him. We were suppose to be married in may but back last march she begged me to wait a while longer, let me get done with school etc.
So I did we set a new date of 1/8 everything was ready everything was in order. I had been living with him at his mom's place *an issue I will cover shortly* for about a month and i came home to thurs to take care of some stuff. As soon as I walked in my mom started in with the crying and the guilt abt how he was changing me and she knew i wasn't happy and this was killing her. she even tried to tell me my older brother was against it *upon asking him later he said he thought i could do better but it didn't matter to him*
she had googled him *okay i did too back when we started dating* but the way she worded things she had gotten a PI to look into him. she started tellin me all this crap and hinting at stuff in his past twisting it making me think he was lieing to me. In a fit of emotions and despair over her drama *and the thought that my mother would not lie to me & he had* i called off the wedding i drove back to his house took my belonging and left. since then she has not been at all sympathic towards me. On friday i found out she didnt' know any information she was just guessing at crap. she told me he had a felony dwi conviction *he has dwis from way back before we met but not a felony* so basically i threw us away based on her lies. she also brought up how he refused to take money out of savings for us to go on a honeymoon right after our wedding *we had planned on going in march during my spring break from school & also when we had more $$ this wedding has taught me to save $$ and if we had to wait and not be poor then so be it* she's nuts
I'm furious. I'm stuck living here now as i am unemployed but looking to move and get away from her craziness asap. When we ordered the food she told the girl the whole time she just knew I was going to call it off and she didn't want me to get married. she told everyone she met that. When people asked me if i was excited to get married she'd say *oh she'll call it off* that's psycho.
yes i had some issues with getting married i realized that i had been to focused on a wedding vs a marriage and we hadn't done enough to be entirely ready but i knew we would have been okay. he's very loving but he leaves most decisions to me. my mom was furious when he didn't come with me to get our apt *1st he had to work that day & 2nd he doesn't care he lets me make those choices* we were going to get an apt back before thanksgiving when he moved home from a contract job but due to family pressures *his overbearing mom* and $$ issues *which is one major flaw with him bc he never wanted to discuss it* and holiday stress he said we'd have to wait til after Christmas. And true to his word on Dec 27th we got an apt.
Now he wasn't always as open abt his $$ situation as I would have liked but I knew our bills would be paid & he said he'd always let me see his statements to knwo he wasn't keeping something from me.
Also he has a son from a previous relationship and their relationship is good but strained *the son has aspbergers *or however you spell it* and needs help but the mom won't do anything about it-the kid talks in nonsense sometimes & other times is just flat out mean to his dad i love the kid but he needs help* so alot of that bothered me i thought they both needed some cousneling bc my fi doesn't get to see him son very often *he lives out of state* and he still treats him like a small child. so that was prolly my biggest issue is getting the son help.
the last big issue in this story is his mom she's a mean girl i mean she acts like she is 13. after i called off the wedding she had the nerve to trash me all over facebook. she's overbearing. manipluative, meddlesome and controlling. she whines about everything is a gold digger, nothing ever makes her happy. the woman until the other night had never been flat out mean to me but she makes snide comments *he usually takes up for me but he's a momma's boy so there is a constant struggle there as i am the 3rd wheel*
while staying with her-she'd come in our bedroom to get our dirty clothes *even when i told her i would do our own laundry* she would throw hissy fits if she cooked breakfast and i didn't eat it *i can't stomach greasy foods in the am esp cold eggs ick* it was a constant struggle bc he needed to please her too much and she told me repeatedly she'd never live w/o him she'd always move wherever we were to be with us. *she's crazy too*
so it's a mess but its in a nutshell i called it off i regret it i still love him he says he still loves me we want to fix this all i want to undo all this nonsense. i am starting counseling on how to deal with my crazy family my dependcy issues and hopefully get him to come to couples consueling so we can deal with our joint problems.
what do i do next how to i help heal thsi other than give him time and space he's pretty shocked and hurt he was so excited *he'd never been married before* he's not an innocent victim but how do i help this
if we do get back together i know he will never fogive my mom neither will i but i hope he'll at least be civil like i was to his mother. i also know we will never have a wedding bc he'll be too gun shy but now what.