Post # 1
Alright so I had been getting help from other people’s posts about their problems with their brides maids and maid of honors BUT I am still clueless as to what to do in my situation.
You see, my “best friend” got a boyfriend soon about… 5 months or so after I had began dating mine. Well, then after 6 months my boyfriend proposed to me! (We grew up together and always denied becoming a couple and TA-DA!) Well… Literally 4 days after me being engaged…
That same friend was PLANNING HER OWN FREAKING WEDDING. She wasn’t even engaged yet, her and her boyfriend had been together about a month and a half (and only known eachother that long to add that in)! And so here I am, newly engaged and I’m having issues with her because I have to plan MY wedding around HERS and I will add again- when she isn’t even engaged. She was actually almost upset and why? Because I would be getting married before her.
It doesn’t stop there… They get a house LITERALLY handed to them. Free of rent and payment, all they have to do is pay utilities… Knowing I am looking for a place for my fiance and I. Well…. Next thing I know they are officially engaged, after almost 3 months of knowing/dating eachother. So she moved her wedding up to this year… (Well lookie there, you get to be married before me! Good for you!)
This whole thing with our relationships, being engaged, pictures, wedding planning, finding houses- EVERYTHING has been turned into a competition!
Personally, I do not want any part of this fued. I don’t even understand why she would be doing this crap.
I’m frustrated and hurt, she never let me have MY own time to be excited and plan things with my “best friend” and now she expects me to do what she didn’t even do for me? NOPE.
I have slowly learned she hates nothing more than for me to do something better or faster. How sad is that?
So my question to everyone is… What the heck do I do? What would you do? How would you handle this? And how do you POLITELY tell someone that they are being a self-centered “female dog”?
Post # 2
FaithAnn11: You don’t. You carry on planning your own wedding and let her plan her wedding. One has nothing to do with the other.
Post # 3
FaithAnn11: That doesn’t sound like a best friend to me.
At this point, don’t tell her anything about your wedding. Try to avoid the things that she’s doing. Let her go first, because chances are you will learn from her mistakes during the planning process (I know I did)
I always say “Save the best for last”. Your wedding will turn out lovely. Just because she goes first doesn’t mean it will be better. Trust me on this one 😉
Post # 4
It’s turning into a competition only because you allowed yourself to enter the competition. There isn’t a competition when only one person is in it. If you simply let go of the pressure and focus on your own things instead of feeling frustrated and insecure, you would never feel any competition, you’d be genuinely glad for your friend. Yet, you’re here venting about how she’s not really engaged (to me planning a wedding = being engaged, you do not need an actual proposal or a ring to be engaged).
The core of a wedding is the legal contract (and spiritual commitment, if you have faith) you and your SO are publicly getting involved in. So, why is there competition to begin with? Don’t let the fluff and social status distract you from the real meaning of a marriage. When you take time to reflect on that, you’ll see you’re wasting time and energy on a ”frienemy” right now.
Post # 5
FaithAnn11: Be happy for her.
Be happy for you.
Plan your own wedding. Plan your own life.
Let her plan her own wedding and her own life.
Did she get the house handed to her to spite you? No. You probably factored zero into the fact that they landed this deal or had a family member give them this deal.
Maybe she knew that she was going to marry this guy the moment she met him. Your situation may have had nothing to do with it!
Let it go, and just be happy.
Post # 6
Let her have her wedding first. Don’t tell her your plans, or even better, lie to her and make your plans sound super sucky. Then, of course, make your wedding a milion times better and more extravagant and you’ll have blown hers out of the water. She won’t know what hit her and it will teach her a lesson for being such a bitch.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your responses!
Post # 9
FaithAnn11: Well, honestly, pretty much the same exact same thing happened to my fiance and I and it was his sister who was doing all of the planning and getting engaged, also had a house handed to her all while my fiance and I are struggling and not getting help from anyone. It sucks and I hated it, until I realized, it’s not a competition for 1. It’s hard to see past this as it definitely feels this way. Secondly, with the way things were going it was going to be a half assed thrown together thing and not very well planned or funded and ours was going to be much more than that. Third, think about the real reason of the wedding. And fourth, they ended up splitting and calling off the wedding. Just live your life the way you want to, have your wedding the way you want it and just try and forget about it. The only thing you can control is yourself and your wedding, not hers
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Ellicott: That’s super immature and passive-aggressive.
If this person is such a source of drama in your life, why are they STILL in your life? Let them do their thing, and you do yours.
Post # 11
This does not need to be a competition. You are making this a competition.
What she does has absolutely no bearing on what you do. It’s not like she got engaged and got a house just to spite you. You say that “I have slowly learned she hates nothing more than for me to do something better or faster. How sad is that?” But aren’t you doing the same thing? Why in the world are you upset that your friend is engaged and has a house?!?
There is not a finite amount of happiness, love or attention in this world. You can both be engaged at the same time. It’s really not that big of a deal. My own sister got engaged after I did and had her wedding 6 weeks before mine and, trust me, we both got plenty of attention and excitement about our weddings.
So plan your wedding. Let her plan hers. Her house has nothing to do with you. Comparison is the thief of joy!
Post # 12
Don’t worry about her, you don’t have to measure yourself against her, your weddings will be different whatever happens. Just, don’t talk to her about the wedding and if she starts talking about hers, just change subjects subtly… Maybe she is just getting all worked up cause of the news of your engagement. I mean, my best friend is probably gonna get married before I do even though I’m the engaged one too, heck my sister, my mom, my FI’s cousins will before us but I don’t care cause I’ll just have more ideas of what not to do in my own wedding!
Post # 13
How do you know it’s a competition? You kind of sound like you’re making it into one (by saying stuff like how you got engaged quickly but you had known him a long time whereas SHE got engaged quickly without knowing the guy… Yada) your tone sounds hateful. Why are you even friends with someone you don’t like?
Post # 14
I understand that you wanted your own time to feel special and celebrate your relationship, but there will always be SOMEONE else who has a new relationship, engagement, marriage, baby, house, etc at the same time as you. That’s life. You need to try and get to a place where it doesn’t matter when she gets married. YOU are still getting married to the man you chose, on the date you chose, with the celebration you chose. As PP’s have said, it only becomes a competition if you allow it to be one. If you feel she is trying to start something, do not engage. Just say something evasive and supportive like “I’m so happy for you! What an exciting time for both of us!” If you can’t be happy for her good fortune with the house, you need to examine your own jealous feelings. The fact that she hassomething in her life doesn’t take something away from you, and hopefully your positive feelings about supporting her will lead you and your future husband to some good karma in the future!
Post # 15
Yeah, you can’t say anything. One of my bridesmaids MET her boyfriend when my husband and I got engaged after being together for 4 years, and she was seriously talking about her fictitious wedding more than mine. At my wedding shower, she was talking about the gifts she wants to register for, and on my wedding day, she was talking about all the ideas she wanted to steal from my wedding. Oh well!!