Post # 1
…but not on purpose. Several weeks ago, mom and I went to look at what later became my venue. While meeting with the wedding coordinator, the coordinator did what she was supposed to do by starting the process of making me feel special. The coordinator asked ME what I wanted and what I envisioned for my ceremony and reception. She asked ME about me and FI’s likes and dislikes, etc.
She went as far as saying “no offense mom, but TaurianDoll, if I could suggest this, I think you and your FI should attend the tasting with just the two of you. This is your experience and you two should feel open to share your own opinions about the food with the chef. Sometimes hearing the opinions of others puts you in this space of wanting to accomodate everyone else. This process is about you and your day.”
This happened SEVERAL weeks ago… but today, mom called and said that she’s still bothered by that and if I don’t want her apart of my planning then she will be quiet.
My mom and I are very different. She takes things VERY personally even if a person doesn’t know her. She also carries things (as you can see) and forms these stories in her mind. I don’t do well with this when she gets like this and she’s been this way for the little bit of planning that has already taken place.
She was the ONLY person who helped me pick out a wedding dress but still feels “slighted”. I don’t know why. What should I do to maintain a “special” feeling without hurting mom’s feelings?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
I would suggest reassuring her that you do want her to feel special. Tell her the coordinator probably mentioned that because she sees other brides who’s family starts dictating, etc. And I would give her a project or two. Something that you trust her with to really have a hand in designing/creating! For instance, if you’re putting together centerpieces, maybe she could do that. You would have already purchased the parts, but she can actually put it together. Or my MIL is doing the remembrance table of our loved ones….
Post # 4
I’m sorry your mom’s feelings are hurt, but I agree with what the coordinator said. It is about you and your FI and what you like. Sometimes a 3rd party person has to be the voice of reason.
Let your mom know that you appreciate her help and suggestions, but kindly tell her that some things will have to be your decision.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
Oh here’s another one: My mom is making the boutineers. I always knew I wanted brooch bouquets for me and my bridesmaids (and she’s helping make those too), and she came up with this idea for bullet casing with a pin on the back (my FI and his groomsmen like hunting) and peacock feathers. Now, peacock feathers don’t *really* fit my theme, but she was so excited and my FI liked the idea, so I’m just totally letting it go! And she’s so happy with them.
Post # 6
Great suggestions! I really like the idea of giving her a project. I’m wishing I gave her the invitations as a project but I already gave them to FI. She loves creative things so perhaps I can give her the job of designing the centerpieces.
I can definitely think of some other little things. Great idea!
Post # 7
@Lyndzo: + a million
Your mom is really going to have to just get over it. This is YOUR wedding; I don’t get why she would need to feel special?
Post # 8
@TaurianDoll: your mom needs to get over it and move on and not take it out on you – you didn’t make the comments, the coordinator did. If you want her at the tasting, great invite her, if you don’t then don’t.
This is her issue to deal with, not yours to fix. You trying to fix it and make her feel special is going to end badly – it sounds like your mom is impossible to please (considering she felt slighted at being the ONLY one to pick our your dress with you – wtf what else could you possibly do to make her happy!?).
Post # 9
lucky -your mom gets to help 🙂 I second that the wedding industry probably sees a lot of couples with mom’s and family calling the shots, so they are only probably trying to help focus in on the couple. I would do what you want, but be sure to include her when you can and make a point of mentioning how special she is to you when you do include her in things and how you really wanted her there for __ _, she might see this as something bigger than you do-like losing her little girl, etc, but might also just be a personality thing like you said and something she needs to fix on her own:/
Post # 10
Honestly, this is so reassuring. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t some horrible person and insensitive daughter because my mom definitely made me feel that way in a lot of situations. It’s reassuring to hear others tell me that it’s not me, it’s her. My mom is great and we have an awesome relationship but when she gets this way, it’s as if I can’t do anything to make her feel better.
I ask her “what do you want me to do” and she either says “nothing… I’ll just (insert self-loathing activity here)” or “you’re so blind to your insensitive nature that you can’t even see how this is hurting me”. *sigh*
I just have to stand my ground and in the most gentle way I know how, just remind her that it’s still my decision and there’s nothing anyone can say to persuade me to do things one way or another. But I can already see this is going to be an uphill battle.
Post # 11
Holy cow! You guys are amazing! I gave my mom the job of designing the invitations and it’s like night and day! She’s so into it and out of my hair!
And I spoke with a coworker who has one child – a daughter and she gave me some insight into my mom’s feelings. She basically said that she’s experiencing some sort of weird separation anxiety. When your only child (especially a girl) “leaves” (I’m physically not going anywhere different), it does something to you – sends you into an identity crisis since your child has defined your role as mom for so long.