Weddingbee boards

Is anyone worried about wedding crashers? In my case I'm worried that FMIL will tell her friends from church and God knows who else to come on down and we will have no knowledge of these people until the day of the wedding. The parents are not getting an option of a guest list and she doesn't understand the concept of an RSVP because in her culture (Korean) it's expected to invite all of the people from church.

What to do, what to do......check invites at the door? Have someone handing out placecards? We refuse to have perfect strangers at our wedding.

Are you having a seating chart? That could help with the issue. Also, I'm sure this is something you've done, but let your FMIL know how you feel about the issue and why the people who are actually invited are and why they are the only ones. I went to a reception once where there was an attendant helping people with their escort cards. The attendant had a list of all guests invited, even those that RSVPed 'no' and where the bride would like them if they decided to come. Looking back, I'm sure it was because she was in a situation similar to yours. However, the way the attendant handled things did not make this seem like an 'invite check' before you entered. He was SO helpful...I remember a couple of times the DOC had to come over to speak with a guest who couldn't find their escort card or weren't on the list...but honestly...as a guest, this did not seem like a huge deal at all. However, I think done improperly and this could be viewed as very tacky and even offensive, even to guests on the list. I would find someone who's capable of handling this job in a friendly and quiet manner, in addition to an 'enforcer' (a DOC is great for this). Let your FMIL know that you're putting this in place and she most likely won't be inviting people from her church for fear of embarrassment if they're turned away.

Also, why are you not allowing your parents to have a list (I totally agree with this btw)? Is it for financial reasons? If so maybe you could let each set of parents invite up to like 8 or 10 people provided they pay for EVERY cost that person will incur...food, any and all drinks, favors, stationery, etc. I did this with my mom. Even though she's paying for some of the wedding she knows all of California, I'm sure of it, and I didn't want her to feel like her best friends couldn't be there on a day when she's a proud mama and wants to show off her daughter. This turned out to not be an issue for either of us. She had no problem paying for the 6 people she invited and I had no problem having them there because they were not a financial burden. It didn't increase the size of my wedding too much so I felt it was kinda win-win all around.

@little_cricket:  You'll have to read my other long drawn out posts about my FMIL which is why his parents aren't getting a guest list. My mother is not invited either.  It's been nothing but drama with our wedding. His parents made us cancel our destination wedding because they wouldn't close their business for a few days AFTER we checked with them and they told us it was okay and AFTER we made deposits and sent STD's. They're not helping us even though we changed everything around for them and our budget doubled. They said they would reimburse me for lost deposits if we changed the location A YEAR AGO and when FI brought this up the other day to his dad because I have yet to still see a penny, FFIL actually got mad and said it was pretty crappy of me to be asking for the money. He thought I wasn't going to make him pay up. It's $1100!!! His mother doesn't want him to marry me because she's prejudiced/racist. So we're having an expensive wedding that neither of us wanted to have here because thsi area is so pricey, but to make his parents happy we changed it. Uh yeah and they're stil not happy.

That's why they do not get a guest list. We can't afford it and they don't deserve it. Even if they offered to pay, they do not have a postive credit history with me! 

@beccybaby:  There's no talking to this lady.  She doesn't even discuss the wedding with us since she hopes it will not happen. The sense of entitlement she has is obscene.

@WestieGirl:  If they are acting like that then I would not treat them any different than a regular guest invited to the wedding. And as I see it guests do not get a say in who is invited to the wedding. It sounds like they are not supportive of your relationship with your fiance at all. It's almost seems like they started all this drama on purpose just to give you two more stress. I would put your foot down and tell her that no univited guests may come and hire security to make sure that it does not happen.

@beccybaby:  Not an option.  We don't know any of the people she goes to church with. She doesn't even talk about the wedding because she doesn't want it to happen. Only when she's making money off it and not giving it to us since they aren't paying once single cent towards it even though we changed date and location for them.

The parents do not get a guest list AT ALL. Random people show up they will be thrown out. I'm so over the FIL's.

1. Koreans are racist. Not in a general life sense way, but they just don't want their kids marrying anyone who is not Korean. 

2. There are no rsvps in Asian culture. I don't ever remember my parents sending back an rsvp (although I must have sent some out for them). They rsvp by talking to the parents and usually its: "are you coming to my daughter's wedding?" - "yes, i'll be there" "ok, good" - continue onto gossip. 

3. Asians, especially Koreans, are all about saving face. You need to, and when I say you need to - I really mean your fiance needs to because these are his parents, hash this thing out before the wedding. If the whole church shows up and most of them are turned away from the door, I guarantee you that your relations with his mother will become the 9th circle of hell. Her face will have been disgraced in front of her church members -which is really important in some Korean circles, and she will blame you for it. Explain to her that since you are paying for the wedding that there is no way you can possibly afford to pay for her entire church to attend the wedding, especially with all the extra costs they have already incurred on you guys. If she would like for her church to attend the wedding, then she can pay for their attendance. 

4. Good luck from the bottom of my heart. I dread planning the wedding because of issues with his side as well and we've seriously contemplated eloping and getting married on our honeymoon. 

@Shlieka:  You are AWESOME.  You hit the nail on the head about everything.  FI got into it with her on Saturday about her being racist and hypocritcial since she married outside of her own race and how they should pay me back my money from the cancelled wedding and she said a whole bunch of stuff including: how did we expect the neighbors (whom we hadn't invited) to go to St. Thomas, why am I in such a rush to get married (uh we've been engaged for almost 2 years because of her nonsense) and that no they weren't going to pay me back and she ended with "I'm not going to the wedding, I have no son."

He's going to sit down with his father and have a very long talk with him about how things are going to go on that day. I have no doubt that she will show up simply because she's so superficial, wants to put on a good face and FFIL will make her go but she will be most unhappy about it. As for her church friends, too bad so sad it will be made clear ahead of time that no one other than people on our list will be allowed and that they will be turned away.  If I have to hire security, I will. I have some family friends that are local cops and would love the extra work.

I would be most happy to meet her in the 9th circle of hell.  I've been respectful so far but she hasn't seen the real ugly side of me.  A Puerto Rican originally from the projects of the South Bronx....oh yeah bring it lady.

I've seen through her since day one, I knew that us moving the wedding because they wouldn't close their business was a stall tactic in hopes that we would eventually break up. FI didn't see it at the time but boy oh boy does he see clearly now.

She's doing a bang up job of alienating her son. I don't have to say a word, she's doing it all on her own.  I just sit back and watch her dig an even deeper hole.  She needs to think that no son = no grandkids.

@MelnChris:   I would LOVE to do destination wedding but we're too far in with deposits now to change plans again. I know that FI feels really bad about it especially after seeing how his parents are acting.