Post # 1
Is anyone worried about wedding crashers? In my case I’m worried that Future Mother-In-Law will tell her friends from church and God knows who else to come on down and we will have no knowledge of these people until the day of the wedding. The parents are not getting an option of a guest list and she doesn’t understand the concept of an RSVP because in her culture (Korean) it’s expected to invite all of the people from church.
What to do, what to do……check invites at the door? Have someone handing out placecards? We refuse to have perfect strangers at our wedding.
Post # 3
Tell her a very firm NO! And if you need to repeat the “no” several times, don’t be afraid to.
I suspect that I may have uninvited guests at my wedding, so I’m going to be taking a pre-emptive measure by hiring security, and I will tell the people in the family who may try inviting their own guests that there will be security for that reason. My situations a bit different though, I have actual relatives who aren’t going to be invited, so I have to take some stricter measures so make sure that everyone understands that my “no, my aunt and her family are not invited” is clearly understood.
Post # 4
Are you having a seating chart? That could help with the issue. Also, I’m sure this is something you’ve done, but let your Future Mother-In-Law know how you feel about the issue and why the people who are actually invited are and why they are the only ones. I went to a reception once where there was an attendant helping people with their escort cards. The attendant had a list of all guests invited, even those that RSVPed ‘no’ and where the bride would like them if they decided to come. Looking back, I’m sure it was because she was in a situation similar to yours. However, the way the attendant handled things did not make this seem like an ‘invite check’ before you entered. He was SO helpful…I remember a couple of times the DOC had to come over to speak with a guest who couldn’t find their escort card or weren’t on the list…but honestly…as a guest, this did not seem like a huge deal at all. However, I think done improperly and this could be viewed as very tacky and even offensive, even to guests on the list. I would find someone who’s capable of handling this job in a friendly and quiet manner, in addition to an ‘enforcer’ (a DOC is great for this). Let your Future Mother-In-Law know that you’re putting this in place and she most likely won’t be inviting people from her church for fear of embarrassment if they’re turned away.
Also, why are you not allowing your parents to have a list (I totally agree with this btw)? Is it for financial reasons? If so maybe you could let each set of parents invite up to like 8 or 10 people provided they pay for EVERY cost that person will incur…food, any and all drinks, favors, stationery, etc. I did this with my mom. Even though she’s paying for some of the wedding she knows all of California, I’m sure of it, and I didn’t want her to feel like her best friends couldn’t be there on a day when she’s a proud mama and wants to show off her daughter. This turned out to not be an issue for either of us. She had no problem paying for the 6 people she invited and I had no problem having them there because they were not a financial burden. It didn’t increase the size of my wedding too much so I felt it was kinda win-win all around.
Post # 5
@little_cricket: You’ll have to read my other long drawn out posts about my Future Mother-In-Law which is why his parents aren’t getting a guest list. My mother is not invited either. It’s been nothing but drama with our wedding. His parents made us cancel our destination wedding because they wouldn’t close their business for a few days AFTER we checked with them and they told us it was okay and AFTER we made deposits and sent STD’s. They’re not helping us even though we changed everything around for them and our budget doubled. They said they would reimburse me for lost deposits if we changed the location A YEAR AGO and when Fiance brought this up the other day to his dad because I have yet to still see a penny, Future Father-In-Law actually got mad and said it was pretty crappy of me to be asking for the money. He thought I wasn’t going to make him pay up. It’s $1100!!! His mother doesn’t want him to marry me because she’s prejudiced/racist. So we’re having an expensive wedding that neither of us wanted to have here because thsi area is so pricey, but to make his parents happy we changed it. Uh yeah and they’re stil not happy.
That’s why they do not get a guest list. We can’t afford it and they don’t deserve it. Even if they offered to pay, they do not have a postive credit history with me!
@beccybaby: There’s no talking to this lady. She doesn’t even discuss the wedding with us since she hopes it will not happen. The sense of entitlement she has is obscene.
Post # 6
@WestieGirl: If they are acting like that then I would not treat them any different than a regular guest invited to the wedding. And as I see it guests do not get a say in who is invited to the wedding. It sounds like they are not supportive of your relationship with your fiance at all. It’s almost seems like they started all this drama on purpose just to give you two more stress. I would put your foot down and tell her that no univited guests may come and hire security to make sure that it does not happen.
Post # 7
Wow, maybe you will need to talk to the guests she wants to bring if she is that unreasonable. It will be awkward, but maybe you can do it in a subtle way.
I would suggest if you know anyone from her church having a conversation along the lines of “it’s so unfortunate we’re only able to have a small wedding. It’s going to be family only. It would have been nice to allow Future Mother-In-Law to bring guests, but the venue just won’t cater to any extra people”.
Post # 8
I could have written this post. My Future Mother-In-Law is from a similar culture and she is having a hard time understanding the guest list limitations. We originally gave her a max of 35 people and through manipulation, she has grown it to 50. They are also not contributing anything monetarily. We recently found she photocopied some invites so I’m worried about this too.
I’m doing something similar to PP’s suggestion. My DOC will have my guest list plus table assignments, in addition to assisting with escort cards. If they are not on the list, he will ask them to leave. My Future Mother-In-Law is very aware that we’re doing this and has told me that it will shame them. To which I reply that over inviting without our permission is shameful and she’s bringing the shame on herself (we offered to invite them if she paid for them, which she refused so yeah I’ve got nothing). I’m hoping that Future Mother-In-Law will call the guests and tell them she was mistaken about the invites.
Post # 9
wow..im half korean and my mom is trying to pull this too… she is allowed ten people/ she isnt paying for the wedding this time so she has no say. lol.. my first wedding 185 people were all her friends. ex husband had his family 20 people and i had 10 people i knew/ it was weird seeing all those people i didnt know. lol. dad-american is say they can come to the ceremony but they wont be able to go to the recpetion. i dont know if i like that idea/ i think just talking with ur venue manager/coordinator about the what ifs wedding crashers do appear at ur wedding what steps can be taken where it is handled discreetly and quickly/
hopefully all the weddings we are planning dont have crashers coming/ good luck
Post # 10
I’m worried about crashes. I am white and my SO is hispanic and he swears his family will bring everyone he has ever met in his entire life. My solution to this was to do a seating chart. But he doesn’t want one and so I am going with his wish on that since I have gotten everything else I want, cake, DJ, menu, flowers, everything! But I am worried that my little grandma won’t have a place to sit because he has a third cousin crash that we have never even met before. But also I kind of think the more the merrier and as long as we don’t run out of food it will be a better party with the other people.
Post # 11
@beccybaby: Not an option. We don’t know any of the people she goes to church with. She doesn’t even talk about the wedding because she doesn’t want it to happen. Only when she’s making money off it and not giving it to us since they aren’t paying once single cent towards it even though we changed date and location for them.
The parents do not get a guest list AT ALL. Random people show up they will be thrown out. I’m so over the FIL’s.
Post # 12
i am not so concerned about wedding crashers at my wedding. it’s very small.
@WestieGirl: i do think that escort cards/seating chart would be beneficial.
a latino guy i know had his wedding last year. they initially wanted around 200-300 ppl but with all of his father’s political contacts, the guest list went up to around 500 ppl. how many ppl showed up…700 ppl. he said that the venue didn’t have enough tables and chairs, they ran out of food (obviously) but he said luckily the venue had enough liquor for the whole night so everyone had a great time.
Post # 13
1. Koreans are racist. Not in a general life sense way, but they just don’t want their kids marrying anyone who is not Korean.
2. There are no rsvps in Asian culture. I don’t ever remember my parents sending back an rsvp (although I must have sent some out for them). They rsvp by talking to the parents and usually its: “are you coming to my daughter’s wedding?” – “yes, i’ll be there” “ok, good” – continue onto gossip.
3. Asians, especially Koreans, are all about saving face. You need to, and when I say you need to – I really mean your fiance needs to because these are his parents, hash this thing out before the wedding. If the whole church shows up and most of them are turned away from the door, I guarantee you that your relations with his mother will become the 9th circle of hell. Her face will have been disgraced in front of her church members -which is really important in some Korean circles, and she will blame you for it. Explain to her that since you are paying for the wedding that there is no way you can possibly afford to pay for her entire church to attend the wedding, especially with all the extra costs they have already incurred on you guys. If she would like for her church to attend the wedding, then she can pay for their attendance.
4. Good luck from the bottom of my heart. I dread planning the wedding because of issues with his side as well and we’ve seriously contemplated eloping and getting married on our honeymoon.
Post # 14
I would have the Destination Wedding that was originally planned and FH would have a nice long conversation with his mother about this.
When I originally saw this post, I remembered a wedding I attended in 2010 in RI where there were so many crashers it was mayhem for awhile. The crashers were hotel guests though that were returning from a long night of drinking and thought the way to end the night would be to crash my friend’s wedding.
I would definitely have a DOC (and maybe a little security) to keep this party in order; if she’s half as nutty as she sounds you’re going to need some protection from her antics.
Btw, I still vote for the DW; it sounds like a great plan given the circumstances!
Post # 15
@Shlieka: You are AWESOME. You hit the nail on the head about everything. FI got into it with her on Saturday about her being racist and hypocritcial since she married outside of her own race and how they should pay me back my money from the cancelled wedding and she said a whole bunch of stuff including: how did we expect the neighbors (whom we hadn’t invited) to go to St. Thomas, why am I in such a rush to get married (uh we’ve been engaged for almost 2 years because of her nonsense) and that no they weren’t going to pay me back and she ended with “I’m not going to the wedding, I have no son.”
He’s going to sit down with his father and have a very long talk with him about how things are going to go on that day. I have no doubt that she will show up simply because she’s so superficial, wants to put on a good face and Future Father-In-Law will make her go but she will be most unhappy about it. As for her church friends, too bad so sad it will be made clear ahead of time that no one other than people on our list will be allowed and that they will be turned away. If I have to hire security, I will. I have some family friends that are local cops and would love the extra work.
I would be most happy to meet her in the 9th circle of hell. I’ve been respectful so far but she hasn’t seen the real ugly side of me. A Puerto Rican originally from the projects of the South Bronx….oh yeah bring it lady.
I’ve seen through her since day one, I knew that us moving the wedding because they wouldn’t close their business was a stall tactic in hopes that we would eventually break up. Fiance didn’t see it at the time but boy oh boy does he see clearly now.
She’s doing a bang up job of alienating her son. I don’t have to say a word, she’s doing it all on her own. I just sit back and watch her dig an even deeper hole. She needs to think that no son = no grandkids.
@MelnChris: I would LOVE to do destination wedding but we’re too far in with deposits now to change plans again. I know that Fiance feels really bad about it especially after seeing how his parents are acting.