Post # 1
Hey fellow bees, I am posting this anonymously in case any of the other parties involved are members of the hive. I will try to not turn this into a huge rant I promise. My fiancé and I are having a bit of an issue with his best friend and I could really use your advice. For the sake of conversation we will call my fiancé A and his best friend B.
A and B have been best friends for years, well B and his fiancé got engaged a little more than a year ago now after being together for a pretty long time. They immediately knew that they wanted to have a destination wedding, which as we know can be tough. My fiancé and I got engaged a few months after they did and we have known each other for over 10 years and have been together for 4. B and his fiancé could not decide on a date but rather had a rough idea of what month they wanted to get married in which would be early 2014. My fiancé and I began thinking about dates and planning our own wedding shortly after getting engaged. We knew what months we did not want because of other important dates and what months we didn’t want because of the summer heat we get where we live. We wanted an outdoor wedding and did not want our guests to be dying of the heat in the middle of summer/fall so we decided to opt for a spring wedding.
At this point B and his fiancé had still not set a firm date and had gone back and forth on the months as well. It had been 9 months since they got engaged when we decided to book our venue and set a firm date. We knew of only one date they were hoping for so we planned around that by ensuring that our wedding was a full 5 weeks before their potential one. In our eyes this was the best month for us to get married and because we had to also pay to go to their destination wedding we opted to not do our own honeymoon and go on that trip instead. We also wanted to make sure we didn’t blow a ton of money on that trip right before paying for our wedding and end up not having enough to cover those bills.
Neither one of us had any intentions of stepping on their toes or anything of the sorts. Over the past few months they have been flip flopping on the date and what month they wanted to get married in and have been coming up with different reasons to change the date. Earlier this week they officially set the date, and then we begin hearing from mutual friends that they are upset at us for planning our wedding before theirs.
Our wedding being 5 weeks before the date they wanted has been a topic of discussion amongst them saying that we are trying to one up them. In my eyes 5 weeks is plenty of time between weddings. Both weddings are completely different styles and only have a few mutual guests that will be attending both. These guests are very close friends and would not be the type to pass judgment on “whose wedding was better”.
This has me very upset and irritated at the fact that my fiancés best friend couldn’t just come out and tell him himself that there was an issue. If it was that big of a deal they could have told us before we booked our venue and we would have discussed it with them and taken it into account. To me this seems to be more an issue that his fiancé is having then B having an issue with it.
At the end of the day this is not a race and everyone should just be happy for each other. We are all getting married and are all good friends there should be no issues. If the situation were reveresed and there wedding was a few weeks before ours the thought of her trying one up me wouldn’t even cross my mind. The worst part about it for me is I was going to ask her to be a bridesmaid.
Does anyone else feel like they are being unreasonable? Or were we inconsiderate when setting our date first?
Post # 3
They are definitely being unreasonable, you did nothing wrong. You picked the date that works best for you and they did the same. I will never understand by people think they get to claim a certain time frame in which no other couples can get married.
Post # 4
You were very considerate of their potential wedding. 5 weeks is plenty of time. It’s not your fault that they couldn’t choose a date sooner, they had plenty of time.
Getting married doesn’t mean you get the whole year, or the whole time between engagement and the wedding. If they wanted to get married first, they should have moved faster, you’re not obligated to keep your life on hold for someone else.
I don’t know why the FI of B is upset, it sounds like they are having a destination wedding and yours will be local, so they will be nothing alike. Hopefully it’s just a case of bride brain and the bride of B can move on so that A and B can continue their friendship.
Post # 5
They’re being unreasonable. That said, he (she) may feel like they “deserve” to get married first because they were engaged first. As someone waiting for a proposal, it’s tough to see someone dating for less time get engaged. Maybe it’s similar for her. I wouldn’t change your wedding or give into her pettiness though
Post # 6
@RunsWithBears: I assume that’s because the WIC has convinced brides that their wedding will be the greatest day of all of their guests lives therefore anything that competes with that day is wrong. When in reality, no one else cares about the wedding as much as the B&G (their parents and potential children being a close second).
Post # 7
It’s not as though they had a firm date and then you decided, “Aha! We’ll have our wedding before theirs then!”
No, you waited, and they didn’t have a date picked, and you were ready to pick yours. You were thoughtful in your choice. 5 weeks is plenty of time, and they shouldn’t be getting their panties in a bunch over this, especially since there are few mutual guests.
Post # 8
No, you weren’t being unreasonable and it sounds like you were very accomodating as to not choose a date they were interested in. I hope they don’t think getting married five weeks apart is an issue, because I think you’re absolutely correct that they are entirely different events. Hopefully, they’ll calm down a bit and not be upset, I think people get caught up in weddings and it adds an extra layer of stress.
Ask her to be a bridesmaid. Also, even though you definitely did nothing wrong, I might go out of my way to call her and assure her that no one will compare the weddings and that you’re so excited for their big day. I know some brides worry that they’ll be compared to other weddings, which can be a source of worry.
Post # 9
5 weeks is plenty of time between weddings. They are being silly. I’m going to 5 of my very good friends weddings 95 separate weddings) in the lead up to our wedding. Everyone is friends and not one of us has 5 weeks between weddings. It kinda sucks but it’s wedding season after all.
Post # 10
They are unreasonable. You gave them 9 months to choose a date then when they had a guestimate of a date you chose yours 5 weeks before. There is no rule that says just because they got engaged first they have to get married first. I think you and your FI were more than accomodating to wait as long as you did to book your venue.
Post # 11
I’ve seen these questions before and its really strange to me. When did getting married become no one else can get married? I’m confused. I’d understand the hurt feelings if the weddings were right on top of each other, but 5 weeks is a solid bit of time. Not only that, but did you say y’all were forgoing a honeymoon and spending the money on the trip to their wedding instead? Heck, I think that’s pretty giving in and of itself.
Post # 12
@anonbee0720: Unless I misunderstood what you wrote, B and his FI haven’t said anything to you about your date, correct?
If that’s right, then the people you should be upset with are the trouble makers and gossips carrying you tales out of school. What, exactly, do they hope to accomplish other than creating a problem?
Lets say for a second that B and his FI are bitching to everyone about your date. Oh well. Yes, they are being unreasonable. You don’t owe it to them to plan your wedding around them and yes, five weeks is plenty of time between weddings. But, if they haven’t said anything to you and are just kvetching – oh well. Not your issue to deal with – its theirs.
Or, maybe they just made a random comment that’s been taken out of context, misunderstood or exaggerated – then you’re doing them a huge disservice getting angry at them.
Unless they say something directly to you, then I’d forget I’d ever heard anything about it. And the next time one of your mutual “friends” starts to tell you something they said, tell them you don’t want to hear it. Also be careful what you say around these people since they like to cause trouble amongst friends.
Post # 13
you sound like you were very considerate and they are being a bit unreasonable. you waited and waited for them to pick a date. they can’t expect you to wait until after they’ve picked a date in order to secure your venue. venues need to be booked one year or more in advance.
five weeks is more than enough time in between a wedding. i had to throw three baby showers around the same time as my wedding. one was one month before my wedding. the second was three weeks after my wedding and then another two weeks after that. three out of my six bridesmaids got pregnant. two dropped out of the wedding party but still attended the wedding and one had to do major alterations on her BM’s dress (gussets we added down the entire length of the dress). one friend had a baby the day before my wedding. did anyone to put their engagements, weddings, pregnancies, or even labor on hold because i was getting married? no.
Post # 14
They are most definitely out of line. I don’t know how many times it needs to be said, BUT YOU ONLY GET ONE DAY!!! Your friend is being very childish to be mad that you are getting married before them, even though they were engaged first, and also incredibly childish in that they feel it’s about ‘one upping’ each other.
I have been engaged since April 2013. A friend of mine got engaged at Christmas time 2013. She is getting married 2 weeks before me, and I am not mad, nor is she mad that I chose to get married two weeks after she did.
I would just ignore it unless they bring it up directly to you (which I get the feeling won’t happen, since they seem to be content only discussing it with mutual friends), and if they do bring it up with you and your FI, tell them exactly what I say above. THEY ONLY GET ONE DAY! And it’s their own problem that they were flip flopping about the date for so long!
Post # 15
@anonbee0720: I agree with the previous posters and think B and his fiancee are being unreasonable. The only situation that I feel it is rude to select a date before another couple is when you are siblings, especially if your parents are financing both weddings. I’ve heard friends mention how they wish certain weddings were more spread out, but if your wedding is an inconvenience to someone, they do not need to be there. I even had two of my teacher BMs ask me why I planned my wedding after the school year begins; I told them that I work 12 months out of the year and manage to make it to weddings on the weekends, so they should be fine. Prepare yourself, as everyone will have an opinion on your wedding, but it’s YOUR wedding, NOT THEIRS 🙂
Post # 16
UPDATE: My fiance and his best friend just spoke and he does not see the issue. She is having as FionnaCake put it a case of bride brain. The set their date and pushed it back one more week so now there is a full 6 weeks between weddings. Hopefully over time she puts these ideas out of her head and gets back to reality that its not an issue and everyone can enjoy both weddings.