(Closed) Wedding date drama–would you say something?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I wouldn’t say anything. You are going to come off looking bitchy and controlling even if that isn’t your intent. As for people that will have to travel for both weddings, wouldn’t they have to spend the same amount/travel the same amount even if your weddings were farther apart? I don’t see how that’s a legitimate factor here. If they had time/financial contraints, they would have to “choose” anyway, right? I say let this couple choose whatever date they choose. As much as you may not want them to get married around your date, you really don’t get a say in when they get married and even if you do have the best interests of others in mind and it’s not about thunder-stealing, it is going to come off that way if you say something to your cousin.

Post # 4
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

that is tough and id want to say something but would be hesitant because no one want to be rude.  to me its like you got engaged first therefore should have choice of wedding date first and hers should come after.  id be  alittle upset that shes planning a wedding so close to yours, do you think shes doing it purposly to make you mad or something? either way stick with your date and say something if you feel its needed, otherwise focus on your wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I think you could say something to remind them of your chosen wedding date, but I don’t think you can suggest they pick a different date. Do you realize that 2-4 weeks before and 2-4 weeks after is basically blocking off two whole months? I think two weeks between the weddings would be fine, although I do understand the financial issues. Hopefully people have already been saving to come to your wedding 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hmmmm….even if it’s a few months apart it might be hard for people to buy two plane tickets.  Though I guess it woudl help with time constraints.  It might be worth talking to your cousin and suggesting you guys speak with some of your relatives that need to buy plane tickets to see what would work best for them.   We have two cousins who this happened with, their weddings are within like two months of each other and it’s an international trip.  We worked it out since there’s no way to make two trips, and everyone’s happy. 

Post # 7
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I probably wouldn’t say anything either.  You can be as nice as possible and give the unbiased facts but in the end there’s really no tactful way to say how you feel because while your concerns are valid, they will most likely get defensive and it could easily blow up in your face.  If anything, I’d suggest you speaking to someone, maybe a mutual relative, who can bring up the issue.  Without the direct involvement you may be able to get away with letting them know how troublesome this could turn out.  I definitely think that they should space the wedding better so your guests aren’t put in a tough spot, I hope it works out for the best!

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You know, I would be inclined to tell you not to say anything since it’s just a cousin, but I am leaning towards saying something. In the nicest way possible, I would call up your cousin, ask what date they are leaning towards and if it is still very close to your wedding date I would make her aware that this might create an awkward situation for guests who would potentially have to choose between weddings. Tell her you feel bad for even bringing it up b/c you know what it’s like to be engaged and planning a wedding, but this is something your family seriously needs to consider.

Ask her for feedback – does she know of anyone who might feel put out from having to spend $400 twice in the span of 2 months on your weddings? Or if you already know of anyone, point out those specific individuals to her. Explain that you have already chosen your date a year ago and reserved vendors, so it is too late for you to change your date and it’s kind of up to her to consider this. Reiterate that you don’t mind if seh gets married before you or ‘steals your thunder’ just as long as it’s enough time so that guests don’t feel too put out because they’re broke or have to miss a family members wedding.

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Also – this actually happened to me when I got engaged. Long story, but my sister got engaged 4 months before me and took so long to set a date that she literally set her date about 3 weeks before I got engaged for a year after our engagement date. Make sense? So basically her wedding was planned for 1 year after we got engaged, makeing my dreams of a short engagement totally squashed. But I realized this right away and without anyone asking agreed to have a longer engagement in order to keep peace with the family and not steal any of her thunder. Regardless of my decision, she was still mad that I got engaged during her engagement (oh, drama!) and took a while to come around to being nice to me about my wedding.

Post # 10
Member
2682 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldnt say anything.  2-4 weeks is a short amount of time but I doubt you saying anything would change their minds, especially since they already know the date.  Probably about half the guests are not from your family so it wouldnt affect a huge number of people.  My wedding and my SIL’s wedding were 4 months apart and there were still people who had to “choose” that made it to mine and couldnt make it to hers (our date was in June, set 8 months before she got engaged) and theres really nothing we could do about it except be happy for the people that were able to come and celebrate with us.

Either way I hope everything works out for you!

Post # 12
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

<h2>@Kara: My situation isn’t exactly similar (my cousin & I got engaged almost simultaneously – me 3 months before her & set our dates simultaneously – me 1 month before her & after asking our “VIP” if they could make it), but I may have a solution that might help you.  My cousin’s wedding is local for our family (Hawaii), while mine is “destination” for them (LA – local for me & sorta local for FI’s family).  All of my VIP family members are going to come to my wedding, but in order to make my other family members feel included, FI & I are going to throw celebration party (about 1/10 of the cost of our wedding) in Hawaii about 6 months later – we’re tacking it on to the end or beginning of our honeymoon, so it doesn’t really cost us extra to get out that way.  If your VIP family members can’t make it to your wedding & they live in the general direction of your honeymoon destination, may be you could drop in on them after your wedding & have a more personalized “reception” to include them in the wedding.  We’re showing pictures & video from the wedding & doing a Hawaii exclusive performance that the LA guests don’t get to see live.  Good Luck & Hope that helps! (oh, & I agree, it doesn’t really solve anything to tell her…it may cause tension for YEARS to come)</h2>

Post # 13
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand your conflict but I would definitely not say anything.

You don’t know why they are deciding to chose their date around that time and there could be circumstances making them choose their date. 

Yes this may be tough on shared guests but there are always conflicts in guests lives and you can’t ensure that they would be able to come on your/or their dates in the first place.

As for your other concerns there will always be jealousy and competition with weddings even if they are not close together.

Good luck and I hope you have fun going through the wedding planning with your cousin!

Post # 14
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

How often do you and your cousin talk?  If you talk regularly,  I don’t think there’s any harm in asking about the logistics of people flying to two events.  I wouldn’t bring up the date though directly, that’s for them to decide.

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