Wedding Date Etiquette Dilema

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

@mdwilson86:  I would never be so presumptuous as to ask someone to change their date.

 

plan your wedding & people can choose on their own. 

 

Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d send out your STDs early! Like in June. Then the ball will be in her court!

Post # 5
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

No, you definitely cannot ask someone else to change their wedding date.

Post # 6
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

If they already have a deposit down (and they likely do), they can’t move the date. We are not having a church wedding either, and yes, it’s kind of ignorant to assume they can change because of that. Our ceremony and reception are in the same place, and we have paid a deposit. I’m not sure who booked first, but by not announcing when there’s another engaged family member, you both kind of left yourself open for this.

Post # 7
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

I don’t feel it is ever appropriate to ask someone to move their wedding date. If they also hear your wedding is the same date and don’t do anything then there’s nothing else you can do. FI has some family who also had another wedding the same day as ours but they’re all coming to our wedding.  We don’t even know the other person getting married personally and didn’t find out until later that both weddings were the same day. I guess they were told verbally about the other wedding first but they’re closer to FI and I, so they decided to come to our wedding.

FI’s brother is also getting married three months after us and for some family that would need to travel across country for both weddings a few have decided to go to neither one. Others decided to just go to ours because it’s first and they already made plans before FBIL was even engaged, and some will probably go to FBIL’s because while out of state they’re still technically closer distance wise to him than us, it’s not ideal but we all make it work.

Post # 8
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You point out the trouble you would have moving your date, yet assume it would be easy for her to move hers?  Just because she’s not having a church wedding doesn’t mean her wedding is easier to move.  She still needs a venue and reception hall, just like you. 

If she’s set the date before you, then she got the date, and that’s all that matters.  You’ll be able to find another date.  Siblings can come home from college and miss a day or two.  You can be flexible with the timing of your wedding and not do it at 3pm on another day. Your fiance can stop “refusing” to have a summer wedding (Summer in Annapolis is gorgeous, so I don’t understand why he won’t consider this).

I think it would be very rude of you to ask someone you don’t even know to change her date, especially since you don’t know about what she’s gone through trying to get that date. 

It just seems to me like you are both being really inflexible with the date and are trying to justify a way to rudely tell someone to change their date because you’re unwilling to consider the alternatives.  I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but I believe it’s the truth.

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mdwilson86:  No, you cant ask someone to move their wedding date to accommodate you. They would be offended and angry.

The only thing you could maybe do is ask your FMIL if she wants to mention something to the niece or her Mother to make sure they are aware of the conflict.  She should not suggest they do anything like change their date, just let them know so they can make their own decision about what they want to do. 

However, if your FMIL knows about the conflict, her niece probably does too and if so, there’s no point in saying anything. 

This isn’t an etiquette issue.  People are allowed to choose the wedding date they want and its completely irrelevant who got engaged first, how long the couples have been together or who is older. Yes, it would be crappy for a friend or relative to knowingly pick the same date if the guest lists are going to be similar but that doesn’t appear to be the case here.

What you and your in-laws should do is just be gracious and not be hurt or offended by those relatives that choose to attend the cousin’s wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@mdwilson86:  Since your FMIL knew offhand when the cousins date was and that it wasn’t in a church wouldn’t that kind of tell you that they had already locked in that date?

And it is pretty awful of you to think that it would be easier for her to move her date. All venues whether it be a church or an otehr type of wedding venue book out.

I think you can choose any date you want but I also think it would be pretty crappy to knowingly choose the same date as a close family member and by close I mean sharing a large part of the guest list. I also think it is a pretty crappy move to put family in the middle of this by having to choose whose wedding to go to.

Honestly if I found out that you did this and your reasons why I would probably attend her wedding even if I wasn’t going to before because well they would seem like the nicer people who I would want to support.

 

Post # 12
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Why not take this back to your FMIL?  It’s her sister’s daughter getting married, she may have an idea or two, since she deals with her own family alot.  I would also include FI in the discussions, it’s all nice for him to dictate the parameters of what month he will/will not get married in, he should see the kind of rucus the small window of time he wants to get married in, is causing.  He may see things differently.

July may not be too bad in Annapolis, it’s August I would avoid like the plague. (I’m from Northern Baltimore Co.).

Post # 13
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Dear first off I think pp are just sharing the opinions you asked for- no ones being rude. Thicken up your skin for the internet! It can be harsh but honestly the bee is the nicest. Now to your issue:

 

it sounds liKe you looked high and low for a date, working against many constraints, you finally found one a booked a deposit: done and done. What I would do with the cousin is as follows: have your FI call his cousin and explain:

 

“oh cousin you wouldn’t believe what ended up happeninfg. We are SO sorry but we just didn’t realize when we paid the deposit and we were up against a lot of scheduling challenged. Congrats and your engagement and we really wish we could be there! We will have to celebrate another time.”

 

dont ask her to change the date- maybe she will on her own, maybe she won’t care. About losing some family- yes that will happen but it’s not the end of the world. Just have FIs side of the family explaining what a random accident it was. And send your STDs out early!

 

ETA: you can also have FMIL have these convos with cousins mom (her sister?) on your behalf- just have FI make sure she doesn’t offer for you guys to change the date! 

 

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You can’t ask her to change her date, and to assume because it’s not a church wedding that it would be easier is a bit ridiculous IMO. Some venues book up years in advance.

Send your STDs out asap and hope for the best.

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