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I'd love to see what people say to this too -- I feel the same way! I'm just not big on getting so much attention. When we started our guest list I definitely had a few cry-my-eyes-out evenings looking at my FI's side and realizing how many of them I hadn't met and how much MORE nervous I'd be in front of people I barely know. But what are you gonna do? His family insists the distant relatives be there. I wish we were eloping or having a very small ceremony & BBQ, but I'm the ONLY one who feels that way, haha. I just don't want to walk down an aisle with everybody staring at me and be the center of attention for so long.
I wish I had some solutions for you (& myself!) on how to deal with the attention! I've been trying to just incorporate as many ways as I can to lessen the impact. No big formal head table on a stage, both my parents walking down with me, etc. I feel for you though!
Ah yes, I too suffer from this! In fact, my fiance and I were just talking about it last night because the plan was to have an extremely small ceremony and invite everyone else only to the reception. This was a great idea until we discovered there are too many people that "have" to come to the ceremony and I almost passed out when we tallied up the numbers to 80 people! I had imagined maybe 25 at the actual ceremony...not 80!!! Needless to say, this caused me to breakdown in tears last night.
What's even worse than just the anxiety is that I am very fair skinned (thanks to my British parents, argh) and get bright red and blotchy all over my face, neck and upper chest when I get nervous, overly-exited, when I drink...it pretty much happens anytime I show emotion haha. It also worsens when people stare at it or ask what it is! Just the thought of 80 people is causing me to break out in the blotch, nevermind on the actual day! So I get to walk down the aisle in all my blotchy glory, not something I'm looking forward to.
I agree with minneapolitan though, there doesn't seem to be a way to avoid the anxiety other than changing other details around (the head table, parents walking you down the aisle, etc.) or to elope! Here's hoping that we'll be so excited on our own wedding day that it erases the nervousness!
I know what you are going through. I too am a very shy, and do not like being the center of attention. I was worried about all of the same things. But I can tell you this, When it actually came to that moment when I had to walk down the isle in front of all those people... I was calm and it didn't matter. I was actually very calm all day and just excited to be married. I won't lie and say i didn't notice everyone there, but it didn't matter. I focused on my Husband, gripped my mom's hand and we were off.
During the ceremony, it was a bit strange at first, but again, I just focused on my husband, staring at him the whole time. Our ceremony was very personnel, we even wrote and recited our own voes (which gave me plenty of anxiety before hand) but that was fine too. I actually manged to speak pretty loudly, for me anyway. We did practice, which helped. ( My husband had me stand in the other room of our apartment and say my vows to practice being loud )
After the ceremony, everyone won't be so focused on you. They will be into their own conversations, drinking, eating, etc.
I think you need to try to keep in mind that everyone who is there, is there because they love the both of you and want to be there to celebrate with you.
Also, my tip is try to have a stress free and peaceful day before everything begins. It helped me immensely and set the tone for the rest of day.
Good luck!
I had a bit of anxiety about being the centre of attention at my wedding, but when the time came I was really too excited to care.
Have you tried visualization of your wedding day? As in picture various situations (ie. walking down the aisle, having everyone watching you during the ceremony, reception and/or first dance) work through how you're going to feel and react in that situation. It also helps to know that everyone there is supporting you and not wanting to rip you to shreds with questions, etc.
You can do it! :)
From a medical perspective, beta blockers are wonderful and can help those with severe problems (especially with blotchy-ness and racing heart).
ditto what msbean said- you get so excited and focused.
the first few minutes of photos feel weird but then you get used to that too. Try to relax and let go and think of what a fun day you have ahead of you
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I saw a good post on offbeat bride about this. The link is below:
http://offbeatbride.com/2009/03/weddings-for-shy-people
Just remember everyone there loves you and is there for you and your fiance, and you are there for each other. But there are also things you can do to tone-down the "me me me"-ness of it all. Good luck!
There is also a calming serum called Rescue Remedy that you can get in health food stores and places like Whole Foods. I took this before an exam once and it helped. You'll be ok!
I think there are things you can do to minimize the attention on you, if you really don't want it. You can eliminate some of the "events" like announcing the weding party, the receiving line, even the first dance if yo're that self conscious. You could tell the best man you don't want any toats. It's your wedding. You don't have to follow those traditions. Don't cut the cake if you don't want to.
But you might find that you enjoy some of those things on your day. It's all a blur. You might find yourself less preoccupied with others looking at you. And with a few hard drinks, even less so. 
But I think the big hurdle is walking down the aisle. Once you get past that, I think it will be pretty easy.
Thanks Ladies for all your suggestions! I am sending my FI to whole foods to pick up some rescue remedy today!
@kdunham: you have me beat! Luckly I don't have "the blotch" to battle with as well. I feel for you!
You all said that the day of you just get too excited to care...and boy, do I sure hope you guys are right. Because right now it's the opposite I am worried about... being too anxious to be excited. I am also worried about living with this level of anxiety for 4 more months... it can't be healthy, right?
@doctorgirl: after a googlefest of beta blockers last night, i think they are more suitable for "day of" anxiety, which sounds great! But is there something I can take in the months leading up to the wedding to relax me? (I am not typically one for "non-necessary" medication, but at this point I don't think my "self-medication" of half a bottle of wine a night is good for my waist line...er, I mean my health).
I was also worried about this, but as soon as I saw my now-husband up at the front of the aisle, I just kept my eyes on him and everything else kind of disappeared. My first few seconds stepping out onto the aisle were definitely "WHOA!! ALL THOSE PEOPLE!!!" but everyone was smiling so it wasn't that stressful and then I just locked eyes with my husband and wasn't remotely nervous for the rest of it.
The other big wedding event I was terrified about was the first dance. So we just did about 30 seconds ourselves (shuffle & sway) and then signaled to a bunch of people who we had notified beforehand that they should come join us for the rest of the song. So we still have a few good "just us on the dancefloor" photos, but just as I started getting anxious that everyone was just STARING at us, we got everyone else to join in so we were no longer the sole focus.
Good luck!!
@ bluebell -- I somehow hadn't even though of that for the first dance! I'm definitely going to be running that by my FI. Or maybe have my dad and his mom come out after half the song to dance w/us & get both dances out of the way in one song.
I'm super duper nervous about the big day too...i'm getting married in July as well. I'm overly shy, hate being the centre of attention and i don't know how i will deal with the hired paparazzis that day. FI said he will start taking pictures/videos of me everyday and get other people to do it so when the time comes, i'll be used to it. Thank goodness it hasn't started yet.
Instead of me having to meet some guests for the first time at the wedding, we started throwing parties like crazy so i get to meet them and won't be shy around them. We're having 3 couples showers in the upcoming months, we had our themed engagement party last year and last month we had our stag and doe party.
I also keep reminding myself that we're spending quite some money for our day, especially for the photographers/videographers and if there's any time to overcome my shyness, that day better be it!
Lilbird- I guess it depends how debilitating your anxiety is... I think most primary care providers would recommend daily exercise and relaxation to manage jitters, but if your symptoms are more severe than can be managed that way, I would suggest getting evaluated by a provider for anxiety.
Given how long 4 months is, I might talk to your doctor about an anti-anxiety med. Also, be careful not to add something to the regimin on your wedding day if you haven't tried it yet. (Being dizzy and shy won't help anything!)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that when I walk out and see my soon!!-to-be-husband that I will put my blinders on. Like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold">aspring noted, I don't think that everyone else will cease to exist, but I am banking on not caring.
And like <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold">bluebell, we're planning on having the DJ make an annoucement to have peopel join us on the dancefloor after 30-60 seconds. (Once we find the song, we may have a better idea about the timing. That way we aren't limiting the search to songs that are under 3 minutes...)
Good luck!
If you are looking into things to help you with the anxiety for the months leading up to your wedding, there are several things I have taken up recently to combat wedding stress and anxiety. I started doing yoga (ok, I do the Wii Fit version 
); I started meditating and deep breathing at least 1/2 hour every day (usually before bed), and I started getting regular massages (every 1-2 weeks). Also, I found that I feel a lot better when I excercise during the day by running, walking the dogs, biking, etc... and that I respond really well to aromatherapy (I rub a chamomile and lavendar oil behind my earlobes before bed to help me relax).
I know "the blotch" is no fun, but I was excited to see that someone else has this like I do. I get the same red blotches on my face, neck, and chest for any emotions and if I've been drinking. People are always asking about it, especially because I give a lot of presentations at work. 
I'm not anxious at all about being the center of attention, but I know I'll be so excited that I'll probably get "the blotch" big time. I'm actually not worried about it though because most everyone who will be there already knows about it. I guess this isn't really helpful, I was just glad to see someone else who gets it. Good Luck!
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@papermate: I'm so jealous of your confidence with the blotch! I try to tell myself to accept it because everyone knows it happens to me also, but I'm still unable to come to terms with it happening. Maybe I'm convinced that someday it will just disappear (I wish!). P.S. It's definitely nice knowing I'm not the only one out there!
@doctorgirl: thanks for the advice about beta-blockers, I'm going to ask my provider about that next time I see her!
I think all of us would be lying if all of us brides didn't admit to at least a little anxiety over having all eyes on us for a day. However, this definitely becomes problematic when you're suffering from insomnia.
Think of it this way: What could go wrong to embarass you? Weddings are unique in that people are so excited for the bride and groom and have an emotional connection with you. It's different than being an actor on stage (where people are paying to watch someone perform, and therefore have higher expectations). People know that you are anxious and nervous about the big day, so everyone will overlook it if you stumble a little over your vows.
If you're still nervous, it might be beneficial to talk to a therapist during these next few months to give you some relaxation techniques to truly enjoy your day. I would personally recommended guided relaxation CDs (there is a ton of them on Amazon) and relaxation yoga.
Hope you're able to relax!
Mini-update!
I did a little research yesterday on breathing exercises. Last night before I went to bed I spent some time doing them and I slept better than I have in months!!! Yipeee!!
I wanted to try other options before going to a doctor. It seems so silly to go into a doctor and say, "I am having anxiety over attention on my wedding day." I mean, duh...everyone feels that way!
And I wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement. I am trying to make myself realize that everyone there is there because they love and care about us...which is comforting, if just a little bit.
I know this is a little different but I had significant anxiety issues prior to taking the bar exam to the point where it really interfered with my sleep during the months that lead up to it. I even had breathing issues. The only thing that helped me was exercise. I would either run outside or on the treadmill as fast as I could until I was so tired that I had to stop. Exercise really helped me manage my anxiety so it might be worth a try.
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Hi. This was something that I was also very anxious about. I do not like being the center of attention, and I turn red and get nervous when I am. However, I didn't let it get to me before the wedding. I knew I'd be nervous, but I managed to keep it in the back of my mind as something to deal with when I got to it. So if I were you, I'd try putting it into a different perspective. Realize that, yes, you will be nervous, but also realize that you will survive and get through it. And leave it at that instead of worrying about it.
On the night before the wedding, it might help to have a sleepover. That's what I did. I was surrounded by my sisters and friends, and they kept me laughing and gave me minimal time to dwell on the fact that I was going to be the center of attention the next day. On the day of the wedding, try to keep yourself busy. My day was busy from the moment I got up, so I didn't have time to think about being nervous. That helped a lot.
The worst part for me was during the ceremony. When I focused on the ceremony, I was okay because I had something to focus on and something to do. And I never once looked out into the crowd, instead focusing on my fiance and what we were doing. But when it came time for the officiant to talk about us as a couple, I got extremely nervous, knowing that all eyes were on me, and thought I was going to pass out because I couldn't breathe. In hind sight, I really wish I would have mentioned my problem to the officiant before hand so he would know to minimize that sort of thing. So, I would suggest that you do this as well. I know the ceremony will of course be a focus on you as a couple, but the officiant can put the focus more on the "ceremony" aspect than on the "you as a couple" aspect, if that makes sense.
Once you make it past the ceremony, you should be fine. For the toast, you are surrounded by your bridal party and have probably already had a few drinks. And by the first dance, you've mingled with the crowd and realized you're in the company of friends and family who all love you.
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Go make yourself an appointment with a 5-elements (not traditional!) acupuncturist... PROMISE it will help you SO MUCH! I had weird health problems about 2 1/2 years ago and when regular doctors couldn't help me I started acupuncture. It has been amazing... and is so relaxing! If you go for treatments from now until your wedding you'll be in much better shape. To find someone good you can look here: http://www.tai.edu/Practitioners.aspx
Tai Sophia is one of the only accredidted acupuncture schools in the country and from the above website you can search their list of graduates. Even if you're afraid of needles you can benefit! Good luck dear! I hope you find something because it would be so sad to do so much for your wedding day and then not be able to enjoy the day too!
We had 150 guests, and looking at the photos later on (and writing the thank you notes) I kept asking "Really - so-and-so was there? Are you sure?" Believe it or not, everybody doesn't actually spend the entire evening staring at you. They socialize with each other, dance, congratulate your parents, eat, drink, admire the decorations... In fact, you will find that you need someone to make announcements in order to get your guests' attention when you want to have a toast or cut the cake - as they will all be busy doing other things and paying very little attention to you.
Most of them will try to at least say hello to you, and you should really try to make it around the room and at least speak to all of them. But unless you arrange your day to include a bunch of events where you really are the focus of the whole room (like, for instance, a choreographed first dance, a bouquet toss, a grand introduction) you shouldn't really be the absolute center of attention. If you think about it, you aren't actually the center of attention during something like a toast - most people will be looking at the person giving the toast. If you don't like the idea of a first dance alone with your new husband, you can have the first dance include your immediate families, and even your attendants. Also, getting a good DOC, or at least designating friends and family members to take care of various things can take a lot of pressure off you, so you don't have to much to worry about.
Really, my memories of my wedding are mostly about the small group of people or single person I was focused on at the time - my dad, and my good friend who was singing when we walked down the aisle; my husband (and his brother and my sister) waiting for me at the altar; the pastor; my sister and new BIL giving their toasts. And then the guests who came by a few at a time to chat and congratulate us. Anyway, I hope your day goes the same - just a whirlwind of excitement and happiness - and not so much worry.
A friend of mine who is really shy videotaped her vows instead of saying them live at the ceremony. I know it's a little extreme but it helped her a lot. Also I think doing the 'repeat after me' type vows instead of writing your own might take the difficulty out of public speaking. And practicing everything you'll have to say/do before hand does wonders. I used to have to practice presentations for school so many times! Then I had a summer job as a tour guide and I just totally got over stage fright. If it wasn't for that I would be so nervous too.
So, I've posted a few times to other posts about how my mom totally stressed me out on my wedding day with everything. So I was also extremely nervous as soon as I was getting ready to walk down the isle! My dad was telling me how badly I was shaking, I knew! I could barely walk up the church stairs I was so freaked out!
As soon as I saw my husband, it was like it all melted away. He has this way of calming me, and I hope you feel the same way about your fiances as I do about my husband! It was like once I saw him, I couldn't think about anything else. I was finally able to see him and stand next to him and be as happy as I wanted to be!
The same thing happened when we danced our first dance! Since my mom was still stressing me out, it was the first time that no one could talk to us, and it was the first time I was able to have a conversation with my husband and not have anyone interrupt us! It was as if we were the only two people in the room.
Just keep your focus on your fiance! He and you have made it through the planning and the tough decisions of getting to that point TOGETHER, and you'll get each other through the ceremony! You girls can do it 
Oooh, I totally feel you on being nervous about being the center of attention. I think in some ways it will be different b/c it is your wedding day. You will be so excited/nervous about all the little details that maybe you'll forget about being the center of attention. At least for a little while. Just try to keep in mind that while, yes, everyone will be paying attention to you and your groom for much of the day, there will be other things for people to focus on, like eating dinner, mingling, and dancing. Also, just try to remember that everyone is there b/c they love you and are happy for you!
I second both the yoga and the aerobics idea. Always makes my stress melt away.
Finally, if nothing else helps, there are anti-anxiety pills you can take. I'm pretty sure there are even some for people with what is called "social anxiety disorder." Might be worth a shot.
Good luck. I hope you are able to relax and enjoy this wonderful time in your life!
My sister was the same way. She was DREADING walking down the aisle with everyone staring at her. Her solutions was to build her bouquet as she walked down the aisle, so that she had something to do as she walked down the aisle rather than just be stared at.
Her bouquet was gerber daisies. She had special people (her godmother, hr husband's sister, some good friends, etc.) sit on the aisle seats holding one gerber daisy, and as she made her way down the aisle they each handed her a flower, one by one. So when she got to the end of the aisle, she had a whole bouquet, which our mother then tied for her with a ribbon.
She said this helped her immensely, because instead of feeling like she was being stared by 125 people, she was having little moments with those individuals, taking the flower, saying thank you to each one, then moving on to the next person.
And also, it was a sweet way to include important people in the ceremony.
Just one idea for you. Good luck!
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Hello Ladies,
I have been engaged for 15 months now with my wedding coming up in July (about 200 invited). I have really enjoyed the planning process as I am a planner by nature. I have always enjoyed "small details" and I have had no real stress until about 1 month ago.
I have always been EXTREMELY shy. I am a total introvert and homebody and all of a sudden the reality of an entire day when I will be the center of attention has me TERRIFIED. I am having problems sleeping, I can tell my blood pressure has risen. I have always been the girl to shy away from attention, so now I can't figure out what pocessed me to think that just because it's my wedding I would be ok with it?
If my parents hadn't already fed thousands of dollars into this wedding I would cancel the entire thing and just have a private ceremony with just family and close friends. Obviously, that is an obnoxiously selfish idea (and not really an option),and just because I am anti-social that really isn't an excuse to steal the whole "wedding experience" from my FI, my parents, his mom, and our friends. (really...I think I would be perfectly fine doing the entire ceremony from behind a blanket blocking everyone from view...yes, I am kidding...kinda).
I am so excited to marry my FI and I really want to enjoy that day and enjoy the ceremony... I can't phathom being able to think about anything other than all the people looking at me! And deep down I do want all of our family and friends there to celebrate with us... I just am dreading that all the focus will be on me.
Does anyone have any good advice or pearls of wisdom on how to actually ENJOY my wedding? Something other than, "imagine everyone naked" or "have a few shots beforehand" (actually...the shots idea is pretty much my plan at this point).
Thanks guys!