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I think sice your paying for the wedding you should do what you want to do. A pot luck doesn't seem so bad, but is that something that you want to do? I know its hard to please everyone, but the one you should be pleaseing is yourself.
I am sorry that your Fmil thinks it is not ok to have a small wedding an you feel torn. But you and your fiance want a small wedding, and are footing the bill yourselves, so you have every right to do what you and your fiance want. I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I would have the wedding you and your fiance want period. If you want to have some sort of church reception to appease your Fmil then that is something you and your fiance have to think about and decide on. Would your fmil be paying for this reception since you are just doing it for her? Would she be the one to plan it? If it were me I would have the backyard wedding. Have a shower with the people attending that wedding and if fmil wants to plan and pay for the church reception she can do just that. I feel that would be a good compromise imo.
A second reception (potluck, at the church or at your FMIL's house) is a great idea if she wants to do something bigger or fancier than you do. What I would do is plan exactly what you want, and then let her know that she is welcome to host a bigger, second reception if she likes. Either you will end up with a really nice party a couple of weeks after the wedding, for which you have to do nothing but show up, or once she realizes she will have to do the work and write the checks for this party she will drop the idea. But you don't in any way 'revent her from having the party she is thinking about - silver punchbowl and all.
As far as the shower, you really need to only invite the people you are actually inviting to the wedding. A lot of the people who come to the second reception will probably being presents, but that's totally up to them. But if you're not sending them an invitation to the actual wedding, inviting them to the shower (which is an occasion where a gift is expected) wouldn't be appropriate. It's also not appropriate for you to plan your own shower. That should be done by somebody who is not an immediate family member (your MOH, or an aunt or cousin).
What your FMIL gets to plan (other than a second reception) is the rehearsal dinner. Although in that case as well, she gets to invite only immediate family, people actually in the wedding and their significant others, and out of town guests. Maybe if you get her working on the party she is actually supposed to host, she will have a little less energy about the party she doesn't get to host.
In the meantime, just smile and say "Oh, no. We don't really need a silver punch bowl. Remember, we talked about this." And then change the subject.
I grew up in a church where announcing the wedding in the bulletin was pretty much SOP. As people started wanting to have smaller (and often fancier) weddings it became normal to see the shower announcement in the bulletin and not a general invitation to the wedding. Noone was offended to not be invited to the wedding as long as they got to celebrate with the couple at something like a shower or reception. If some of your FH's mother's friends for example wanted to give the two of you a wedding (couple's) shower, that would be fine. You will just want to make sure that the word gets out that you are having a small wedding for budget and venue reasons.
The idea of a second reception is also nice, but I would feel weird doing it potluck. (Just a personal preference for not having people bring food to my party, but if that is common practice at the church and you are comfortable with it, then go for it.) You could still do something budget friendly by asking friends and family to cook/ bake for it with you and keeping it low key, though.
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At the church I grew up in there were many missionary families and college students getting married, so they would announce the wedding in the bullitin and they would have a "church" shower for the couple, usually hosted by the mother of whatever child was most involved in the church or the Sunday school class of the couple and most people would go, regardless of an invitaion to the wedding.
A few people got married out of state or even country and then at a later date they had a big party at the church in the courtyard and the bride and groom came dressed as if they were getting married and everyone in the church came and had cake and punch and evey sunday school class brought something different to eat and it was just as though the wedding had taken place and we all felt as though we were a part of it.
I think this is totally fine, but that is because that is how I was raised in that church. I think you should talk with the FMIL and tell her that when you become man and wife you want it to be small and if she would like to host a shower before and/or a pot-luck reception after, you would love to do that as well.
Good luck!!
I think your mom's suggestion was a great one. You can have the wedding you want and the church luncheon for the church friends. I would recommend not inviting people to the shower if they are not invited to the actual wedding. It could be awkard and hurt feelings. If people really want to give you a gift they will bring something to the luncheon. When you talk to your FMIL make sure FH is with you and can help support the decision the two of you have made together. Good luck!
I understand not wanting to start and argument with your FMIL. But if you and your FH are in agreement, he needs to be the one to tell her how the wedding will take place, not you. He needs to make sure she knows you both want the wedding the way it is. (Just don't want her thinking you were masterminding the whole thing. And he's a puppet.)
Was your mom suggesting having a second ceremony and potluck with the church folks? Or just a potluck for church folks? Sounds like it could be a good compromise, as long as it's not completely unprecedented there. I would think most folks would be bringing a gift of somekind. So would you dress in a wedding dress or be more casual? If casual and FMIL is footingthe bill, it sounds a little bit more like a shower than a second reception. Still might be OK if it's something that the church goers see as acceptable.
As for your shower, no one can be invited to the shower, who will not be invited to your wedding. The only exception to this is if (for example) coworkers want to have a seperate office shower for you, and don't except a wedding invitation.
Thanks for the suggestions!!!!
My FH took care of it last night :) Apparently his mom 'didn't' remember mentioning wanting to invite the whole church. She said it was just important for her and her husbad, daughter and brother and his wife to be there. So thats all she gets to invite, we are doing it our way, and after our small ceremony we will have cake and punch :)
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HELP!!!!!!
So my Future MIL, God bless her, she is really sweet, but I already see problems coming up and I am getting VERY frustrated.
My FH and I just wanted a simple wedding, with friends and family and a cake reception. Just simple, nice and not very expensive (we would rather put more money towards the house than the wedding).
So I get in the car with FMIL and her sister-n-law and the wedding talk starts. It starts off with simple, well how many ppl, what are your wedding colors, etc.... Then it goes into well I could get silver punch bowl, silver trays, and candlelabras. Stuff that we don't really need for our simple, outdoor wedding! Then we start talking about expenses, and that we want to keep them down and not have a big reception or a lot of ppl there. (by this time ive mentioned small wedding several times)
She seemed to totally agree that we should do what we wanted.
Then we start talking about guests. She had already mentioned before putting the wedding in the bulletin at church. Since my FH has been going there forever and the entire church knows him.
I asked with we could invite everyone to the wedding shower, but only a few close ppl to the wedding b/c we wanted to keep it small. Well, she didnt think that was right (and I dont know if it is either) ans she mentioned again that it would also save us invitation if we put the wedding in the bulletin.
So I mentioned small wedding again......
At that point I just hushed up and I am still rather frustrated.
Later talked to FH and just asked if we could just *please* elope. We talked about it for a while, and he said it was whatever I wanted. Then I asked for what he wants, and he said small wedding and reception. Ok, great! We've agreed and small wedding is fine with me.
So I later talked to my mom, and she agrees that the wedding should be what my FH and I want, not want someone else wants us to do, especially since I am paying for the wedding.
Now, I can't decide how to plan our day. A family friend is letting us use their house and yard for the wedding (also hence keeping it small since it isn't our home) and we WERE going to just have the wedding in the yard and then the cake reception on the deck.
What my mom suggested, to keep everyone happy, is have a small wedding and have a pot luck reception at the church the next weekend(that way FMIL can put it in the bulletin and its not very expensive)
Is that ok to do? Would we still have a wedding shower and 'ask' for gifts? Anyone have any better suggestions?
Im just totally frustrated, I have 3.5 months to plan the wedding and all I want to do is go away and get married. I'm not look forward to this at all. Well I was, but Im not now. I guess I just want to have a good relationship with my FMIL and I don't want to start it out on the wrong foot, but I don't want this wedding to be about her.
Ugh, any help would be great bees.