Post # 1
I feel extremely silly, and naive writing this, but I don’t know what else to do.
I don’t even know where to start. I had this thought that weddings are supposed to be exciting. I should be happy and beaming with joy, but Im not. Its been a nightmare come true. I moved to a very small town in Montana, I am originally from Miami and moved to Oregon to go to school then met Paul and moved to Montana where he was born and raised. I was so happy to move here until the day I met her. I met the man of my dreams who I was perfect with until his friends met me and it all went down hill from there. They found out I was from the east coast and judged me from that. They went on and on about how horrible east coast people are and how much they hate them. I sat there on the verge of tears that night 3 years ago not knowing how bad it was really going to get. Since that day one friend in particular (Cedar) has made it her mission to make me leave. She started by rumors about how horrible I was, then how horrible of a nurse I was. It got to the point where I had patients harassing me because of it. Patients were afraid of me, said I would hurt them and so on…. (I work in breast cancer) So one day I stood up to one and was fired. I tried to get hired at the clinic where I was well acquainted with a nurse from there and she said she couldn’t hire me because of the rumors, the other nurses didn’t feel comfortable with me working there. So I left the medical field all together all because someones immaturity. Over the next few years I worked so hard trying to make friends and every person I try and talk with reply’s with “I’m Cedars friend and I know about you”. Its been so hard I feel like I have no one, I’ve tried so hard. So Paul said I needed to try harder he felt it was my fault. So I got some Christmas gifts for her and her husband to try and make things right but she told me she didn’t want my crap. It was the worst day of my life, he took her side until I proved otherwise.
Then he popped the question, I was so happy he actually wanted to marry me after everything she put us through. Then today happened…..
Today was the day that broke me. I wanted to get a specific type of gravel for the wedding, its a lot like concrete. Only to find the owners are her parents and they will NOT sell ME gravel. Gravel of all things… She has gone to far, she has taken my career, my life, my smile. He says just keep your self busy and it will all blow over… So I thought about doing my guest list, well I had a mental break down I only have 20 people…. It made me see on paper how friendless I really am, how I have no one….. 17 people that are family and 3 people that I worked with but aren’t really friends, and who’s to say those 3 would even come. I feel lost in all this mess, and I don’t know what to do. Shouldn’t I be happy? The worst part is no one is happy about this wedding… his sister thinks its a joke (she is also friends with cedar) his friends have already expressed that they wont be coming and this is a desperate attempt from Paul.
What am I doing wrong?
Post # 3
I understand some of your situation I moved from a big city half way accross the country to a smaller comunity near the cost. Ive been descriminated against due to my hometown and due to my first language being french. FI has no problem finding work and I cant get anything. I cant believe how people talk around here its nuts. According to FIs boss all young girls who claim an injury are faking it for attention and shouldnt be checked out in depth. Where thinking of moving next year or atleast I will and josh will work here 4 months of the year.
Are you unable to move? Nursing in the states you shouldnt have much issues finding work anywhere.
Post # 4
@naturalysam: no I can not move, he wont leave this town. There is only one hospital and one clinic. I am “black balled” from both. I’m ok with not being a nurse anymore, I dont want to help mean people.
Post # 5
Honestly no offence but is ur FI serious…How cud that woman’s own issues be ur problem. U shud be excited and happy about planning ur wedding guest list. It is SOOOOOOOOOO horrible that she has done these things to u. And he doesn’t realise wat she has done?
Again no offense but does she have a brimming jealousy of you and FI or is she just a childish ‘girl’? I think this is truly unfair to you. I say put FI to sit and let him no down rite wat u are going thru. I am sure this is emotional and mental torture. ARRRHHHHHHHGG…The nerve or lack thereof of some pppl.
Post # 6
@Mz Izzie: I dont think she is jealous of me at all, her life is perfect. She is just childish but at 30 years olds its surprising. My FI knows he just doesnt know how to handle it, and I feel the same way. I dont know how to handle this.
Post # 7
i’ll be honest, 3yrs with a man who sees you lose your job, career, reputation while being bullied and miserable by his “friends” no less and he tells you to deal with it – how long can you love a person that wont fight for you?
i know im simplying things but how many years are you prepared to be this miserable. he might be a good man but where is your happiness?
Post # 8
@dganntech: I just think it’s weird for a grown a** woman wit a perfect life to be torturing a fellow female. PATHETIC she is.
Ppl with seemingly perfect lives had a lot of issues goin on underneath it all. I truly understand the not being able to handle it, but eventually someone needs to handle it. She is bullying you!
I am sorry but i am so pissed by this woman. I really want the rest of the Bees especially those who have experienced this to answer: *BUMP* THIS POST
Post # 9
I hate to say it, but it sounds like your FI is almost as much to blame as SHE is. I am really concerned that he is telling you to “try harder” and not taking these issues seriously. You haven’t named one positive thing about your life, but rather how just about everything is wrong. You lost a career you love, you’re lonely, and this Cedar person is making you truly miserable. Why on earth does your FI insist that you guys stay? His own friends said they wouldn’t come to his wedding, I shouldn’t think he’d even want to stay there!
I don’t know anything about your FI except what is posted here, so I could be very wrong. However, this post does seem to shed a lot of light and I think you may need to reconsider marrying this man. He is not making your happiness a priority at all. What makes you think it will change after marriage? NO ONE DESERVES WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. You deserve to be happy. This is a very extreme situation.
Try talking to your FI again. But if this doesn’t change, i really hope you reconsider all of your options. This is not good for you. You deserve t be happy.
Post # 10
@eloping: <— agreed
One thing to ask yourself: is this something you can deal with for the rest of your life?
If I were in your position I would be very upset too. This person is robbing you of your life and it sounds like they are sucking you dry emotionally. I do not like the fact that your FI said “[you] needed to try harder he felt it was [your] fault” this is not your fault. I moved from a city to a small town for my FI and people here TALK. All they do is TALK. The newspaper is literally like the onion. I get the stink eye too for being from a city.
How are you feeling about your FI’s response to all of this?
Post # 11
@dganntech: This makes me sick! I lived in a small town growing up and dealt with girls who acted the exact same as this girl! It was pure torture to the point of me being very depressed! Once I left that town my life change completely-for the better!
Although I don’t have much advice to offer I definately sympathize for you! Girls like this have grown up being the “mean girls” and will forever act this way in order to feel superior to others. Do try to keep your chin up! I think you need a sit down with your FI to explain everything this girl has done to you and how it has effected you. You need to explain to him how it’s emotionally damaging to you (and your career). You sound like an amazing person to just give up you job in nursing and be alright with it! I would have fought back kicking and screaming before I gave up my job in nursing. I think you need to explain how much this girl has sabotaged your life and now is sabotaging your wedding. And not just you personally, but BOTH of your wedding! He will soon be effected by her too if she is interfering with the wedding. Then together you need to come up with a plan to decide what you will do about this. I would consider cutting this girl out of your lives completely!
I hope things get better for you and you can finally have the happy engagement you should be having!
Post # 12
I wouldn’t marry him. If he is unwilling to move, etc, to make you more comfortable, you’re in for a rocky road…
Post # 13
When you’re dating and engaged, that’s as good as it’ll ever get. If your fiance is unwilling to make some changes and compromise so that you can be happy, too, then he’s not going to make those changes or get any better once you’re married. You need to get the HELL out of that town and you probably need some space from your fiance to get a better perspective of what’s going on here. How is it a 2 person relationship when he gets to live and work where he wants to among his friends, at the expense of your career and happiness???
Post # 14
I agree with the PPs. I understand wanting to be closer to his hometown, but why won’t he move to Bozeman, Helena, or Billings? You would have way more job opportunities in any of those cities, and plenty more opportunities to make friends. And you’d still be a relatively close drive to his hometown. Presumably much closer than you are to your family.
I am in MT, too, and just moved here from the Midwest (which everyone keeps calling the “East”). Trust me, I totally understand what it is like to feel like you’re different. Everyone is always commenting on how I dress or that my etiquette is different (I have very traditional etiquette), but most people say those things in a complimentary way. It’s hard enough to be different, I can’t imagine people pointing out my differences as if they are negatives! How horrible!
Anyway, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. PM me if you need someone to talk to!!
ETA: Does he have an awesome job there or something? I know commuting isn’t really an option, here, is that why he won’t move? That’s the only thing I can think of that might be reasonable, and, even that really needs to be discussed.
Post # 15
@les105: we cant just pick up our ranch and leave…. I dont think the billings would be to happy with cattle walking down the street 🙂 I have a lot invested here and dont have the money to turn back. I was also raised with southern hospitality and people point it out as a bad thing.. what does PM mean? sorry im not big on the internet slang.
there are positives, im sorry i didnt clarify.
I have a 5 year old daughter that was so happy when he popped the question that she hugged him and asked if she could call him daddy. She loves him more than I could ever imagine, and he has been the ONLY man I ever dated that actually cared about her. He has been there for her more than I could ever imagine, every parent teacher confrence everytime she has a bad day at school, every boo boo. Its all I could ever ask for.
Post # 16
oh darlin…i think you need to take a really good look at your fiance…what good man would allow his so called friends to treat someone he loves so much this way? what good man would not move for the one that he loves after he has made her move and it didnt work out? ask yourself – will you ever truly be happy. Are you happy with someone who does not, has not and will not ever stand up to others to defend you, and your honor? I havent moved, I am where I have always been, and I would not put up with this shit – if my FIs friends talked to me that way, treated me that way and he told me it was MY fault or I wasnt doing something right – his ass would be on the curb. Period.
You deserve better than this, you deserve someone who will be on YOUR side. If his friend and her feelings are more important than you and your reputation and feelings, he is NOT worth your time and your love. Move home, find someone who treats you like gold and marry them. You deserve better.