(Closed) wedding doubts that can't be pinpointed…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

First, I would read The Five Love Languages.  There are a lot of myths about what love is and is not, and I think this book really helps people understand love better.  I think it would help you understand what you are, (or are not) feeling so you can make an informed decision about if you love this girl, if you’re IN love with her, or if you’re better off breaking off the relationship, and if your doubts just cold feet, or are they legitimate should-not-walk-down-the-aisle feelings.  It’s also available in for Kindle, so you can get it instantly if you have an eReader.  I would also recommend having your fiance read the book, so you can work together on the relationship.  

You have some time before the wedding, but keep in mind that it may need to be postponed…you may want to discuss this possibility with your Fiance sooner rather than later, so she’s not blindsided, and also because the further you get in planning the wedding, the more money those contributing the wedding could lose out on, (as well as guests who have booked flights/hotel accomodations).

Whatever you do, don’t walk down the aisle if you’re not sure that you love this person and want to be with her for the rest of your life.  Cancelling a wedding, even if you lose out on some deposits, etc., is a heck of a lot easier than getting a divorce.

ETA: Premarital counseling would also be a good idea!


Post # 4
263 posts
Helper bee

If you’re a people pleaser, you should read the book “Codependent No More”.

Post # 5
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m not sure I can offer great advice since relationships are complex and everyone’s needs differ, but I’ve seen a difference in sex drive and a different need to spend time together drive a huge wedge in a relationship. Although the couple has been together for almost five years, their relationship often seems rocky. Are you the one with the stronger sex drive? Do you want to spend more time with her? Even if these don’t necessarily seem like red flags, anything can be a red flag when coupled with a duration of a lifetime. Have you had any past relationships where you’ve been madly in love with the woman? If not, perhaps you’re worried that you’re missing out the chance to do so. Do you regret losing that chance?

Of course, communication is important to every relationship, but I often feel like women are the ones divulging their insecurities and addressing their needs. Have you talked to her about your doubts? Perhaps doing so will offer some insight and help you uncover the issue.

Post # 6
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Go with your gut. 

Post # 7
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It’s far better to postpone a wedding until you are sure than to keep moving forward when you have a nagging doubt. I am sure she is a lovely person, but until you are 100% positive that she is absolutely the right person for you to spend a lifetime with, there is no good reason to get married. Put the wedding on pause and focus on your relationship. Maybe even take a weekend away for yourself to really listen to the thoughts in your head and the feelings in your heart.

I am not a big proponent of passionate love. It’s nice at times, but it’s volatile and unstable, so I don’t think it’s a key requirement for a lasting marriage. But you do need to be in love with her in some deep down to your core way. She deserves someone who loves her deeply, who wants to wake up next to her every single day for the next 70 years, who wants to lift her higher than she has ever dreamed, and who will hold her when she is lower than she ever knew was possible. She deserves someone who would drop everything at the blink of an eye to be there, who is her biggest cheerleader, who laughs with her, who shares her secrets, accepts her just the way she is, and can’t wait to share in what the future has in store for her. Are you that guy? Only you will know the answer.

Post # 8
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lovekiss:  I couldn’t have given a better answer. I completely agree with what was said here.

Post # 10
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why did you propose???

Post # 11
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think @lovekiss: gave you an excellent response. 

Only you can decide what level and type of emotion you need to have in a romantic relationship that leads to marriage. However, unless you are willing to commit to your Fiance for the rest of your life — regardless of how your feelings may wax and wane during that time — you definitely should not get married.

The fact that, right now, before marrige, you think that it’s quite likely that you would end up leaving your then-wife after you had made a marriage commitment to her clearly suggests that you should not move forward with this wedding. 

Post # 13
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

if somethings not right its not right.  If you are having these feelings now then please postpone the wedding!

There have been so many people who have posted here about how they felt that something was wrong and they got married anyway and are now heading for divorce or how they just went ahead with the wedding b/c they didnt want to hurt anybody and now they are getting a divorce.  And how there were so many signs they just thought it would get better…..

Good Luck, the feelings wont goaway after you say I DO so best to figure it out now!

Post # 14
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My brother was in a similiar situation, except he married the woman in question. He cared about her and they got on well, and I do genuinely think he thought it would work out. They had two children and had been through unemployment, illness etc together. No one in my family knew that there were any doubts or problems. Until he turned around one day and said he had fallen in love with someone else and that he had never loved my sister in law and he had been miserable the whole time.

I was angry and upset with him, I think we all were. But really it would have been better he just hadn’t married her in the first place. Yes she would have been upset, but she was more devastated by his actions later and having to deal with his affair and looking after their children.

At least postpone the wedding and take a moment to really think about how much you want to be with this woman. It would be kinder to end it now then to string her along and end up leaving her later.

Post # 15
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is TOTALLY normal.  I speak from someone who just celebrated her two year wedding anniversary.  It is totally normal to be apprehensive about walking down the aisle and wondering if you are making the right decision.  You are about to make one of the biggest changes of your life.  It doesn’t matter if you have been living together for 10 years, there is something very permanent and final about saying, “I Do.”  You will experience this same feeling when you have your first baby.  Change can make people very nervous, even if it is for the best.  Good luck! 

And for the record, I worried about this same thing to the point where it kept me up at night in the weeks leading to the wedding.  I couldn’t be happier with my decision and know that my apprehension had more to do with me being scared to take the next step in my life and let go of my childhood so to speak.  I also knew that there was no one who could make me happier than my now husband.  


I didn’t read the second half of the original post and now I see where he says that he doesn’t feel madly in love. That definitely strikes me as a red flag and not at all what I was trying to describe as being normal. My post is in regards to apprehnsion about moving onto the next stage of life and leaving the prior stage behind you under the assumption that both you and your Fiance are sure of your love for each other.


Post # 16
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you have doubts I would talk to her.  You need to put it out in the open.  Postponing or cancelling a wedding is much cheaper than a divorce!

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