Post # 1
(forgive me if this does not belong here.)
I’ve read on many sites that, unless specifically mentioned on the invitation, that you are allowed to bring a guest. Well, herein lies the problem…
My relative’s wedding is in just a few days. My sibling decided that he wanted to bring his girlfriend, and decided to call and make sure that was alright. However, they refused – they said that everything was already paid for, and they couldn’t make any adjustments. My brother’s gf was very hurt by this, and so is my mother – who has always had problems with her inlaws and is now very angry. My brother now doesn’t want to go. My mother offered his gf his seat, but now the gf doesn’t want to go. So my mother won’t go either.
Now instead of going and having fun there is this drama going on. My questions are:
1) should my mother not go?
2) Although it was last minute notice, was it bad for the inlaws not to try and fit in one more person?
3) how to solve this problem?
Post # 3
ive never heard of the rule that “unless specifically mentioned on the invitation, that you are allowed to bring a guest”- in fact, i believe it to be the opposite. unless your invitation envelope says “And Guest”….just that person is invited. weddings are expensive and each bride and groom has to set their own rules for where cut offs will be made.
Post # 4
Typically, when invited to a wedding you should not assume that you can bring a guest unless the invitation is address “Mr. Smith and Guest.” In the past, it was very common and the norm for everyone to be invited with a guest. Now days, it is not an assumed thing. This is one of the biggest nightmares of a bride and groom when receiving RSVPs. Your brother was kind to call and ask, however, the bride and grooms decision to not include a guest should be respected. Do he and his GF live together? How long have they been together?
I do not think that this is something that should cause your mother to not attend the wedding. It sounds like there may be some built up tension there to begin with? My only solution to solving this problem would be to explain that if the invitation did not include “and guest” that this should not have been an expected thing.
Post # 5
A lot of brides have a specific number of people they are allowed to invited either due to restrictions by the venue or their own budget. IT usually is not something personal. With our wedding my parents were paying and allowed anyone to bring a +1 even those people who called just days before the wedding. my situation is not the norm. Most brides have their table settings finished, number given to the cater and any other things already done at this point and can not add people after the fact. I know it seems like no big deal to add one person (from an outside perspective) but this is just how it is.
Your brother should have called when he received the invitation and asked if he could bring his gf, not waiting until the week of the wedding. your brother, his gf and mom have no right to be mad and creating drama. This is putting the bride on the spot and being inconsiderate to her by calling just a couple days before her wedding.
Post # 6
After trying to plan a wedding you realize that numbers matter. Every person that comes adds an additional cost. The rule of thumb is that unless the ivitiation states “and guest” or “plus one”, then only the names on the invitation are invited. It is wrong of your mom to be mad about this situation and it would be wrong of her to give her seat to the gf because the bride and groom invited only who they wanted to be there. Sometimes weddings require cutting costs wherever you can, and the guest list is the easiest way to do it. If the gf is not a friend of theirs, and is not married into the family then there is no reason or obligation that she should be invited.
1). Your mother should go if she was invited, but should not cause any drama for the bride on her wedding day.
2). No, it was not bad for them to not try and fit in one more person. Their numbers were probably due to the caterer in advance and they knew how many they wanted there. It might even be that there was no way they could add on food or a seat for another person.
3). Solve the problem by letting it go. The relative’s have the right to invite only those who they want to be there, so they are doing nothing wrong. For your mother to get mad is disrespectful to the bride’s position.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but I am dealing with a limited budget and there is no way that I could add another person on, and honestly I don’t see why I would add someone on that I didn’t know/talk to/wasn’t friends with on my special day.
Good luck with your problem, I hope it doesn’t cause too much drama 🙂
Post # 7
I agree with the previous poster. If you brother’s gf was not listed on the invitation, then she was not invited. If he wanted to ask the bride and groom if he could bring her, he should have asked when he received the invitation, not a few days before the wedding. It would be rude of your mother to back out just because your brother’s gf can’t go to the wedding. She already RSVP’d yes and if she doesn’t go, the couple will still have to pay for her meal.
The correct way to handle the situation would be your mother and brother still attending even though his girlfriend can’t since they already RSVP’d yes.
Post # 8
Yes, I believe it is the opposite. Only people whose names are on the envelope are invited. Exactly what
@Mrs. Meowerson: said. Sorry. – But maybe you can end the misunderstanding and the drama. Weddings can cost $100 per person or more. And once the # of expected guests is given to the caterer, it is really too late to invite more.
Post # 9
1) Your mother is being childish. She ought to attend the wedding. Throwing a hissy fit because she didn’t get her way is very immature.
2) Your inlaws are not required to accomodate the guests. Especially after the RSVP deadline. ESPECIALLY if the wedding is in a few days! All the deposits are in, the seating chart is set, and adding guests at the last minute can be a logistical nightmare, depending on their setup. Your brother SHOULD have asked BEFORE he RSVPed.
3) The only problem that exists is your family. Your brother and mother should attend since they RSVPed yes. Your brother’s gf should be mad at your BROTHER for not RSVPing for her to come. Tell them all to grow up. The wedding isn’t about them.
Post # 10
I can kind of see their point.. I have had people add +5 on their RSVP card. Are you KIDDING ME? I look at it as I’m sending to invitation to those who are specifically addressed on the envelope.. not you and various other family members I hardly know.
Touchy situation though… I understand that feelings can get hurt.
Post # 11
I agree – unless you’re specifically been given an “and guest” invitation you don’t get a guest.
I’d go easy on the couple – it’s so hard trying to make your guestlist and keep within budget. Many couples feel bad that they can’t let everyone have a guest or invite everyone’s SO and it can be really stressful for them. You don’t want to offend anyone but at the end of the day you just CAN’T invite everyone. There’s a line that has to be drawn somewhere. And for lots of us it’s not just a matter of fitting in just one person, because if you’ve said that one person can have a plus one, it can open up a flood gate type situation where you feel like you have to let everyone have a plus one. It’s really stressful cos you don’t want to offend anyone, and you certainly hope that people will be understanding and there won’t be any drama resulting from it.
I really hope that your mum and brother can attend happily and that they think about the couple and their feelings too.
Post # 12
Thank you for your comments. I did not know it was the opposite invitation wise and I do agree with you all that, my brother should have RSVPd on the invitation for his girlfriend. I have convinced my mother to go, and the brother and girlfriend will probably do their own thing (since he refuses to go without his gf *sigh* )
Also, I realize and told my mother that it is very difficult to change wedding plans. I believe that it would have been nice if they had been able to squeeze her in, but I can see that sometimes it is near impossible to change things at the last minute. It is, as you all said, up to the Bride and Groom to decide.
Please do not judge my mother too harshly – my inlaws and her have had many problems, and this was just the icing on the cake! Part of the reason she was upset was because she believes that they could have done something to accomodate. Hopefully, she can see past it and enjoy the wedding day.
Again, thank you all for your opinons. 🙂
Post # 13
I don’t want to offend you; however here is what I think.
Your brother RSVP’d yes and he should be going. That is incredibly rude for him to say he’s going to be there, the bride and groom pay for his meal, and then for him not to show up. It was his mistake not verifying if his girlfriend was invited or not, and he should man up & go without her.
Post # 14
No offense taken. I agree he should go. However, my brother does what my brother wants to do lol. His gf drove a long way to visit him, and he does not feel it is right to leave her alone. I do not think my brother means rudeness, but I understand what you mean when you say that is a wasted meal.
Post # 15
that wasted meal could be $100+ I would NOT be happy if that happened to me….
Post # 16
@CariBerry: may i just congratulate you on taking the responses in the light that they were offered? comments on family can be a very touchy subject, particularly when posters are trying to be succint and brief. it’s nice to see a bee who can accept the opinions of others without becoming completely unhinged herself!
i agree with all the above posts regarding the etiquette of your situation. mums are carzy creatures, and mine is a complete nutter too (adorable, but a nutter nonetheless!) i hope that you all enjoy the wedding!