(Closed) Wedding etiquette is pissing me off. Sigh

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 4
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@2littleslauren:  

I think just not registering is enough.  If people choose to give you a gift it would be rude to turn them away.  You don’t need to tell people not to give you gifts, just don’t say anything and leave it up to them.  I’ve been to plenty of second weddings and I wouldn’t dream of showing up without a gift and a card.  They’re really common and they are just like any other wedding.  

I’ll admit if I was at their first wedding too it does irk me a bit though to give someone a wedding gift, have them divorce 2 years later, then buy them another wedding gift again for the next wedding.  It’s not the second wedding gift that annoys me though, it’s the first one that I gave that probably went to an ex that I’ll never see again.  If I’m at someone’s second wedding I obviously care enough about them to want to wish them well and I would definitely bring a gift.

Have whatever kind of ceremony and reception you want.  The only thing is if you’re religious and wanting to have a church wedding that isn’t always allowed, like in a Catholic church.  But if it’s a secular ceremony go all out and tell your mom to mind her own business.

Post # 6
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@2littleslauren:  We’re on our second marriages (FI and me) and for the first time we are having the big white dress, dancing, bouquet toss, garter toss, cake…and we are registered for a honeymoon fund (never registered the first time around either). We have our family and friends interest and participation this time around too.

Post # 7
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

it’s my second wedding but i’m registering and doing the whole nine (except the bachelorette party because i don’t want one)!

there’s nothing that says that you shouldn’t. the point is to celebrate THIS marriage. you two are just starting out together, why not support that? you may not need a blender or a toaster oven but then i’d get you a gift card or something like that.

leave all of the naysayers by the wayside and enjoy your day. do what you want and DONT DO what you don’t want to.

Post # 8
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@2littleslauren:  Have a full ceremony and reception, if you want! Who cares about some stupid social norms? Maybe some people will think twice about it but I’m guessing that a lot won’t and they’ll just be happy to share with you and enjoy a good dinner/party. I would say, don’t register and just don’t mention anything about gifts. Do you secretly want some? If so, I wouldn’t blame you at all just don’t spread the no gifts thing by word of mouth. Just prepare something to say in case people ask you. You could say, “Your presence is gift enough for us” and then just wait to see if they bring something or not! Either way, this is your day and your celebration of YOUR relationship so celebrate it in whatever way will make you happy!!

Post # 10
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Screw what people think.  If you want a nice wedding, have a nice wedding.  If it was okay for Charlotte in Sex and the City, it’s okay for you.  There’s no rule of etiquette that says you can’t.  Maybe there was back in the 1950s, but that was some time ago.   

As far as etiquette goes, don’t make any mention of gfts anywhere on or included in your invitations.  That is a no no.  It’s always up to your guests to decide if and what to gift you.

Post # 11
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I say have a nice wedding like you want! It’s not your mother’s job to dictate if people want to give you gifts or not- I agree with a PP that not registering is enough. In fact if people want to show their support of you 2 witha  gift, it would be RUDE to turn that down!

Post # 12
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Check out the posts on Encore brides or 40 Something boards and you will see plenty of people that are having big weddings.

I had a big wedding the first time 23 years ago and this marriage deserves just as much of a celebration! There will not be as many people invited but it will definitely be more in a lot of ways. Those that care for me and my FH understand that and will be there.

Post # 13
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@2littleslauren:  it’s yoru day, do whatever makes you happy and let everyone else do their own thing.

 

I’m technically a second time bride. my fiances first. but we are doing a big wedding (my frist wasn’t and didn’t last but 4 months, got married because I was pregnant)  at any rate, I don’t even listen to ettiqutte because as far as we are concerned husband #1 doesn’t count 😉

Post # 14
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@padme:  I don’t blame you for being annoyed when you end up getting a gift for a 2nd wedding two years after getting that same person a gift for wedding #1 that didn’t last. I’m stuck on the other side of that though. This will be my 1st and my wedding will be only about 2.5 years after my FI’s wedding to his now ex. And yeah, she took every gift they got that wasn’t nailed down. It makes me sad to think people may feel put out by my wedding over something that wasn’t my fault.

Post # 15
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@2littleslauren:  What etiquette actually says is, that you should not care one way or the other about getting things, and that you should NOT make ANY mention of gifts, NOT EVEN “no gifts please”. I am not shouting: I am just speaking loudly and firmly in the hope that your mamma, who has obviously not managed to hear Mrs Post or Miss Manners, might just happen to overhear Auntie Aspasia.

Etiquette also says, that mature women should have a mature and dignified taste in organizing their affairs. I don’t know what you mean by “full ceremony”, since all that is necessary in most jurisdictions for a ceremony to be legally complete, is a couple of very short phrases. Everything else is excess unnecessary symbology — symbology that makes the ceremony emotionally, or spiritually, or socially meaningful. Since feelings, faith, and friendship are at least as much part of life as is law, that symbology is valid. Just think about the symbols and decide for yourself whether they do in fact mean anything to the mature and dignified woman that you are.

But for that matter, keep in mind that most women getting married for the first time have just as much worldly experience as you do and are just as inappropriate subjects for being “given away” by their daddies or for batting virginal eyelashes behind a full face-covering veil — and they do it anyway. You have as much right to inappropriate undignified symbology as they do.

As for the reception — it’s a party. Good hosts put their guests first and provide good food and good entertainment for their guests. Formal parties involve decorations, centre-pieces, fancy desserts, toasts, dancing, and whatever froofrora the hosts can afford and organize — regardless of the hosts’ marital status or experience. Good hosts don’t throw parties just for the sake of shining the spotlight on themselves, even if they are first-time brides and grooms (not to say that self-honouring parties do not happen, just to say that good hosts do not do it). What part of all that good food and good entertainment does your mother think you should withhold?

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