wedding expense & extravagance & vanity – guilty feeling??

posted 3 years ago in Money
  • poll: did you feel guilty, selfish or vain when choosing your dress/ring?
    yes - and i am christian : (20 votes)
    18 %
    yes but not christian : (26 votes)
    23 %
    no - but i am christian : (31 votes)
    27 %
    no - i am not christian : (37 votes)
    32 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    For us, our wedding wasn’t terribly extravagant. We spent 4K, and had 42 guests. It was a church wedding followed by a nice luncheon.

    It was really like we treated all our closest friends and family to lunch!

    Post # 4
    Member
    344 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I am a Christian and I know what you mean! I feel like it is just so me focused but on the other hand I believe that marriage is a beautiful thing in the eyes of God. We started planning our wedding with the most important focus of us just being married but because we have big families we are having 140-150 guests. We are not being extravagant but just spending within our means. Money is tight but we are trusting God to provide for us.

    I have never believed in spending more than I have and I am not going over the top because in the grand scheme of it all, it is just one day. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee

    I feel like our wedding will be a celebration more than anything. It’s not an event where we will be saying “Look at us! Look at how much we spent!”, we simply want our family and friends to be celebrating our marriage.  I’ve been to multiple weddings, and I’ve only admired beautiful decor and delicious food, I never deemed it was wasteful or vain.  To each their own.  

    and I don’t “feel weird” at all honestly.  We worked hard, now we get to play hard…

    Everything we do is not simply “for necessity”, yes, we spend money on housing because it is a necessity, but we also want to enjoy our place…so we will pay more for the place offering more square footage or better kitchen appliances.

    Perhaps if a big wedding is not for you, consider eloping or an intimate get together.  Maybe just a cake and champagne reception.

    Post # 6
    Member
    804 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @BrideofChrist:  I also feel guilty and selfish with all the spending and attention on me.  I’m Christian, but I find the idea that “God will provide” to be bizarre in wedding planning.  I believe God wants us to be happy, but if I chose to spend all my money on petunias, that’s my mistake to make.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2649 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @BrideofChrist:  I consider myself Christian but I’m what a lot of people would think of as a bad one.

    For me, I didn’t feel guilty about my ring or my dress. While both were expensive, they were not extravagantly so. Before she died, my mom had given me a gift of $1000 from a windfall she had received. I had put it in savings because I wanted to spend it on something important So years later I used that money so that my Mom bought my dress.

    As for my ring, I made no demands. I indicated a preference for a white metal and a few other style things that didn’t have an impact on the cost. My husband set the budget, selected the diamond. I have no idea what he spent. It wasn’t cheap for sure, but it also did not cause him financial hardship or debt.  I suppose we were both traditional enough that we wanted to go the diamond engagement ring route.

    So for you – if you would prefer to get married in your own clothes and forgo a diamond engagement ring and stick with a simple wedding band, I think that would be perfectly fine and perfectly lovely.

    However, if you long for a pretty dress and would like an engagement ring, I don’t think you should torture yourself with guilt over it. It’s your wedding and there is nothing wrong with celebrating it.

    Its okay to splurge a little on a dress that makes you feel pretty and for your FI to buy you a pretty ring if he chooses. You don’t have to conform to any notions of extravagance that are meaningless to you.

    There are lots of affordable options for dresses and rings. David’s bridal has lots of gorgeous, affordable dresses and you can even buy a used dress. An engagement ring doesn’t have to be a diamond. Check out moissanite rings – they are exquisite for a fraction of the cost of a diamond. Or go with a gemstone. Or maybe a piece from someone in your families?

    Find the balance that allows you to be both happy and true to yourself. But don’t deny yourself out of guilt. Remember God likes it when we experience joy and celebrate the gifts He has given us. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    6503 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I am a Christian and I did not feel guilty. We work hard for our money and I feel that we make wise financial decisions. Our wedding expenses did not decrease the amount we saved and donated each month do I didn’t feel selfish.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1822 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    Unless you live in a shack eating nothing but rice and beans, there will always be something you spent money on that could have gone to the less fortunate. I think as long as you keep things within/under the averages (isn’t the average wedding like $25k these days?) and generally donate what you can to charities you care about, no deity will fault you for splurging on some fun. Especially if marriage is a big milestone in the religion, it should be celebrated. Have fun 🙂

    edit: Not that I think that going above average in wedding planning will make you go to hell or anything… just generally be a good/considerate person and you’re good. Of course it is possible to have a $100k wedding and still donate time/money to the needy and all that… woo boy I should tread carefully here. I don’t mean to ostracize anyone with my little comment. I just woke up and am groggy, lol.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1441 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Zhabeego:  There is no FI here.  She is marrying God as a consecreted virgin.  Just FYI.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2878 posts
    Sugar bee

    @BrideofChrist:  No, I think a wedding is the reunion of two families together as well, and it takes some money to reunite and feed all those people ! I agree with you when it comes to ”extravagant” stuff, it’s not of my liking either. My budget will not go to my dress, to my ring or to my decor, it will go to catering and being a gracious host to both our families during the festivities. And it’s totally worth it. I want to celebrate our love, but also the love we have for our family and friends. It’s not just about ”us”, it’s about us wanting to spend quality time with our loved ones. 

    Also, I agree with a PP who said if a marriage is a milestone in a particular religion, it SHOULD be celebrated. 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @BrideofChrist:  Remember, in biblical times, weddings were extravagant events that were celebrated for DAYS. Jesus performed his first miracle at a wedding. Song of songs is an entire book dedicated to marriage and romantic love. You are making a commitment before God to be bonded to another human being for the rest of your life. This is something that is worthy of being celebrated with family and friends, and is not vain at all.

    Nothing says you can’t have modest wedding that is still beautiful, if that is where your comfort zone is. Same with your ring. Who says it has to be a diamond. Look at some of the rings over on the ring boards. I mean, WOW….there are some absolute beauties there that are much more affordable than a diamond.

    Coming from a Christian perspective, I really think everything is relative. God knows what is in your heart. The Lord rejoices with us on our wedding day. There is no reason why we can’t celebrate too 🙂

    Post # 16
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @BrideofChrist:  There is nothing wrong with a planned elopement either. Or even a small destination wedding with just immediate family. 

    Congrats on your upcoming marriage OP! I think as long as you and your FI stay true to who you are as a couple, you’ll be fine.

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