Weddingbee boards

I haven't posted about this because I was really really really upset about it at the time, and just hoped it would go away. So I'm hoping you all can give some advice (or just hugs) for this situation.

I'll start by saying that DH didn't have the greatest of childhood relationships with his father. His parents are divorced and his dad was pretty MIA from DH & BIL's childhood, never paid child support, would promise to show up but didn't, would routinely leave them literally on the side of a river so he could go fishing when he did have them, generally not a great dad. MIL struggled but got both boys through university and they are both wonderful people.

When I first met DH he told me his dad would never be present at his wedding. Over time, I encouraged a friendship between them to grow, and we would visit with my FIL and his wife a few times a year. This was partially also for the sake of my stepson, we wanted him to have a good relationship with all his grandparents. FIL and SMIL have been wonderful grandparents, and I honestly can't help but feel if my FIL is making up for the mistakes he made with his own sons.

Leading up to the wedding, I knew we wouldn't be able to do everything to please everyone because there were so many politics and emotions floating around. We made the decision not to include FIL and his wife in the receiving line because we didn't feel it would be appropriate. They were not involved in the planning (or really in DH's childhood) and the idea of someone saying thank you to them made me uncomfortable. I had asked DH if he wanted a formal photo with his dad and stepmom, and he said no. In hindsight, I really should have pushed him to agree with it, but I didn't and that's my one regret. DH was very adamant about the roles and boundaries of where his father was to be involved in our wedding day and I respected that. FIL and SMIL walked down the aisle, had boutineers, were in the program, etc.

FIL and SMIL gave us a very thoughtful "day" on our honeymoon. They arranged massages for us, sent down hand written notes for us to read at breakfast and dinner, and had photos of all of us at the wedding put up in our room (a little weird but the thought was nice). It was very very nice of them and we expressed our gratitude many times.

Fast forward about 4 months. SMIL writes passive aggressive notes on some of my Facebook albums from the wedding about FIL not being in the photos. I delete them and message her to ask her if she wants to talk about something. We talk on the phone and this HUGE drama unravels that I swear to you was entirely in her head. Apparently our entire wedding day was constructed to hurt her and my FIL. DH and I are evil people who exist to torture them. Here are a list of her apparent complaints (I wish I were joking):

• DH and I signed the license and registry before the ceremony and he made a joke to his dad about us being already married. SMIL accused us of having a sham of a wedding thinking we had eloped or something. I quickly straightened her out and she apologized, but I can only guess how many people she told first.
• My parents didn't acknowledge my FIL and SMIL in their speech. They've met twice. She wanted them to say that she had had them over and we "all had a lovely roast together". I'm not kidding.
• We didn't take a photo together. I completely agree with this and apologized. I wish I could change it but I can't.
• MIL didn't want to walk down the aisle with FIL. Nooooo kidding.
• DH and my BIL should "just get over it" in regards to their childhood because hers was worse and it's not like my FIL ever took them to a crackhouse or anything. Yep. She said that.
• I didn't do enough to make them feel like the stars of our wedding day.
• I wouldn't let her be a bridesmaid.
• I told her wearing a long white dress to my wedding was not appropriate.
• They weren't in the receiving line.  

DH and his dad talked, hashed things out, and have continued on with their friendship as is. Everything is fine. They agreed that my FIL & SMIL's involvement in the wedding was appropriate as to their relationship and level of involvement in our life. She kept dragging things on and on and on. When you thought things could get worse, they did. I blocked her on FB and told her I needed a break. That didn't go well.

I feel I should also mention that throughout our wedding day, she sat with a sourpuss on her face from start to finish. She got trashed and literally pole danced on a big wooden column at our reception. FIL sent her home and was clearly embarassed by her behaviour.

Over the past few months, I've felt sad that the small relationship we had got tossed aside so harshly by her and I was disappointed at how cruel and vindictive she had acted towards me and DH. She emailed me today to ask if I wanted to get together for coffee and I honestly don't know what to do. She said some really harsh things and literally ripped apart fragile relationships for no reason other than what I think was her own amusement. She loves drama. I'm going to discuss it with DH and I'm leaning towards meeting with her next week, but honestly, I'm already stressed and concerned about what she might say. She owes both me and DH a huge apology, but I know I'm never going to get one and that she expects me to apologize instead.

Part of me is very suspicious about the timing of his. DH told me that FIL and SMIL aren't talking to cousins of his any more (her closest friends I believe) because they finally realized said cousins are pretty much not very nice people and will only stay friends with you so long as they can use you for something. They've had a falling out and now I think she's looking for a new "bff".

If you made it to the end, congratulations. Sorry this is so long, it's been a long few months and a lot bottled up. Any words of advice or support are appreciated.

@mightywombat: I very rationally agree with you but very skeptically believe that she's coming from a 100% selfless agenda. She may be looking at it as a way to bestow me with the honour of apologizing to her. I guess I won't know unless I talk to her though and there's nothing to stop me from telling her to stuff it and leave if she gets under my skin, LOL!

@nqz100: Thanks! I think normal isn't how you would describe this woman. She has to be the centre of attention at all times. I recently heard through a chain of people that she opened her door to two acquaintances buck naked and wouldn't take the hint to put on some clothes. Apparently you must brush the dog naked or else hair gets stuck to everything. She is a little coo-coo for cocoapuffs. LOL! Maybe she'll apologize, I just hope she's wearing pants and a shirt while she does it ;)

Thanks for your support ladies. It's honestly been weighing on my mind a lot lately and while I'm happy she's gotten in touch, I'm also pretty skeptical which is a sad thing in itself.

@helenberrycrunch: LOL! You never fail to make me laugh! Seriously, that list is the tip of the iceberg! I can't even remember the majority of her list of complaints!!! It's amazing to me that people can create something out of nothing and get so wrapped up in themselves that they can't possibly believe that one day doesn't revolve around them. Sigh.

ETA - I think your disclaimer should be standard on the bottom of each wedding invitation suite.

I just talked to DH and his response was "I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole" so I guess the ball is in my court. I'm thinking I'll meet up with her, but likely go to her house for a cup of tea or something so that way I have the option of leaving when I want to, and not be embarassed about other people overhearing what we're talking about. There are also no witnesses. Kidding kidding.

@eloping: FIL knows she's pretty nutso, but honestly, I think he just figures he has to deal with it. He adores her and she takes good care of him. I see them a bit like my grandparents though. My grandmother was pretty toxic to be around and they slowly lost all their friends because of her behaviour. Eventually it just became the two of them, and my grandfather believes in his vows, so he's stuck it out with her all these years. I think my FIL is the same way. He's decided he'll make this marriage work, for better or worse and that if he ends this one he'll have no one to turn to.

I just want to say thank you again to you ladies. I have to admit, sometimes I feel like because I'm a hostess here I shouldn't talk about the bad stuff that happens or show where I have weaknesses. I'm always the rock for people, and I don't often ask for help or support, so I appreciate being able to drop my guard around you all and get some love and advice from you. You guys are simply wonderful. <3

@Mochacoca: That's a really good point. I mean really, all of her points of contention when this all came about were about DH, his childhood, and his decisions surrounding the wedding (which I respected, rightly or wrongfully). I'm not sure how either myself or my parents got dragged into this. DH is still really hurt and upset by what she's said and I'm not sure if he would agree to see her. I think you're right that a sit down with all four of us would be more appropriate than just me seeing her. I don't have a lot to say other than I'm sad that she's damaged some already fragile relationships and that it hurts me to know that she's hurt my husband, FIL, BIL and miscellaneous other people in the process.

Thank you again ladies. I'm going to meet with her for coffee next week. We emailed briefly and cordially yesterday. My mom wants to strangle her still and doesn't think I should give her the time of day, but I'd like to think that maybe this could be salvaged some how. I'll let you know how it goes, we're planning on meeting up late next week. xoxo

Just to follow up with you ladies and your very kind and good advice, everything today went really well. I think we were all right that she was extending the olive branch. She admitted to being wrong in some of her reactions (and actions) and said that she wanted to put it behind us and move forward with our relationship and being a family. We had a good chat, both were honest, and she was very kind and mature about the whole thing (honestly not her typical M.O. so it was very nice). So, we're going to move forward. I briefly talked to DH about it and he seems a little skeptical and I think he's still pretty hurt by some of what she said and did, but I'm hoping he can get through it and we can get back to being a family again :)  I'm really happy and relieved at how things turned out. Thank you again for your love and hugs and support girls, you're the best!!!

@mmsva: LOL! Thanks! I'm hoping this is a new leaf for her. She seemed very genuine and I appreciated her being big enough to admit where she made mistakes and taking the step to contact me to talk about it. I'll give her brownie points where it's due and hope that it's a new start for us all. What's done is done right?

@bakerella: So sorry about this whole situation.  You are a stronger person than most not to hold a grudge and let her try to make amends and even stronger for following thru and making an honest commitment to moving forward and forgiving.  I think that in sharing your journey through this issue you are helping other Bees, and sometimes that is what being a Hostess is really all about.  Huge (((HUGS))) to you lady, you are always such a great role model.

@tksjewelry: Awww tks, I loves ya! Thanks sweetie!